


Through the Darkness

by Krohma



Series: Translations [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Blood and Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Casual Sex, Drama, Drama & Romance, Drunkenness, Explicit Sexual Content, Graphic description of torture, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mild S&M, Minor Character Death, Non-Consensual Touching, POV Castiel, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Torture, Past Underage, Past Underage Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Road Trip, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Torture, Unrequited Love, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 05:09:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 118,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3965590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krohma/pseuds/Krohma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is 22 and decided to flee his family to travel across the United States and find out what he wants to do with his life. When he picks up Dean, a mysterious young hitchhicker, he thinks he can share new experiences with him. He doesn't imagine that his presence will change his life, make him take risks and endanger him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Hitchhiker

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Through the darkness](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/111619) by Sydney8201. 



> Author's notes: Hello, here's the new story I want to share with you. This story is different from the previous one, darker and harder.
> 
> I hope you'll like it. Be careful it will contain sex, scenes of torture and Alastair... I guess that says it all, right?
> 
> I wish you a good reading and hope that many of you will read and comment it!
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
>  
> 
> Krohma's notes: Hey guys, I'm back with a new translation of a fic which I hold dear. If there are any french speakers, make sure to check Sydney's original work on ff.net, it's worth it!
> 
> As usual, make sure to carefully read the tags of the work and the warnings at each beginning of the chapters, it's for your own sake. The warnings aren't there just to decorate, and the fic's title is almost an understatement IMO.
> 
> I'll try to post the chapters ASAP, but they're quite long and sometimes I get a little overrun with my personal life, but those who already read my translations know that I'll go all the way anyway.
> 
> Anyhow, I hope you'll enjoy it. Brace yourselves and happy reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter's music:
> 
> Wake me up by Avicii
> 
> Warnings: mention of homophobia, mention of prostitution

_"The stranger might be a friend you don't know yet"_

Unknown

 

Castiel was driving for hours already and he was getting seriously tired. Yet he didn't intend to stop soon. He intended to put a maximum distance between himself and the city he had just left. Distance between himself and his family.

He sincerely loved his parents. He loved each of his brothers and sisters. He had every reason to be happy. But he had more and more difficulties to bear them. He needed to take a little time for himself and take stock of what he wanted to do with his life.

At the age of twenty-two, Castiel was still totally lost on this last point. He had a degree in hand, could continue in this path and become a doctor like his father. But that was what his parents expected from him. And it certainly wasn't what he wanted to do. He liked the idea of helping people. But he hated the idea of being a doctor only to satisfy the ambitions of his relatives. All of his brothers had prestigious jobs. Luke was a lawyer. Michael was a surgeon and Uriel ran his own publishing house. Anna had opted for the music, to the great displeasure of their parents, but she had rapidly become one of the greatest pianists of her generation and their father was proud of her. Gabriel had been the only one to refuse to follow the path that was laid out for him. He had never been one to obey the orders of their parents. And he had quickly been excluded of their lives and their inheritance. Last he had heard, he was a pastry chef at a Chicago restaurant. He no longer called any of their family members since his departure three years ago and Castiel had some news from him by email when his brother was in the mood to give him some. He knew Gabriel was right for having left. It was obvious today for Castiel that his big brother was the one who had had more courage. At the time, however, he had said the opposite. He had accused him of betraying their family, betraying their parents and being a coward. They had argued but had stayed in touch. After all, they had always been extremely close.

And now that Castiel was determined to take things in hand, he counted on the help of Gabriel to find his niche. He hadn't yet advised his brother of his imminent arrival but sincerely hoped that he would agree to accommodate him for a while. So that he fall on his feet and finally find something he would want to do.

Castiel's father had yelled at him when he had learnt his desire to get away from the family home where he was still living at the age of twenty two. He hadn't asked for his opinion before giving up on re-enrolling to complete his curriculum. He had graduated four years after leaving high school, got exceptional grades at the MCAT and earned the right to enter one of the most prestigious medical school of the country. But just when completing his registration, he had realized that he was boarding for four academic years more and at least two more years before being able to practice. He couldn't see himself spending all that time studying for the right to practice a job he didn't like. He needed to ask the right questions to himself and decide what he really wanted to do with his life. No matter that it cost him the affection of his parents and the financial security of the Novak family. He wanted to live his life as he pleased, and already knew he could count on Gabriel to teach him what it really meant.

But for now, Castiel wanted to drive above all. He had a whole year to decide his own future, some money aside and a car in perfect working order. A little journey across the United States seemed the best solution. Visit some known places before taking the road to Chicago. It was his only plan for the coming months and that was exactly what he needed.

Castiel knew he was probably a huge disappointment for his parents at that very moment. He had never wanted to get there even if he had always known that this was how it would end. He had never been really honest with them and he knew that if he had been from the beginning he would have been kicked out earlier. Not because he didn't want to become a doctor. Not only because of that. But mainly because he had always known, certainly since the beginning of puberty, that he was gay.

He knew exactly what his parents thought of homosexuals. He had heard them talk about it during dinner sometimes. They thought it was a deviance, a sin and a disease that was urgent to treat. They associated homosexuality and perversion, and Castiel would be no exception. This was what had led him to deny his preferences for a long time. What had led him to only have a few experiences with passing men of which he spoke to no one. What had led him to lie to his parents and to hide to be himself. But now that he was alone and determined to live his life as he pleased, he had no intention of hiding. He was going to tell everything to Gabriel. He was going to meet a man and be happy. No matter what his parents would think of him eventually. He loved them but they would have to accept him as he was or lose him. The ball was in their court.

Castiel stifled a yawn and changed the radio station to get music. He was driving without quite knowing the direction he had taken. He had no specific purpose and he loved this uncertainty that made him feel truly free for the first time in his life. He knew he was traveling north but he hadn't paid attention to the signs. He would stop when he wouldn't be able to drive longer without it being dangerous. He would drive until nearly falling asleep behind the wheel. He could do it. He had no one to order him to turn back. No one to tell him again and again that he was about to ruin his life.

Castiel began to sing over the music by beating time with his fingertips on the steering wheel. There was no one but him on the road and he was driving a little above the speed limit. The window was open, the warm air of late summer lashing his face. It was like living a waking dream. It was exciting and scary at the same time. It was his life now.

The young man felt a smile stretching his lips while the song was changing on the radio. He didn't know the next one but he continued nonetheless to follow the rhythm with his fingertips. He blinked several times when the sun began to go down into his field of vision. He released the wheel to catch his sunglasses and put them on his nose, keeping his eyes fixed on the road ahead. He had brought with him the bare necessities. Some clothes and his toiletries kit. He didn't need more for this new beginning. And he hadn't wanted to stay too long at home, under the disapproving eyes of his parents.

Castiel glanced at his watch. It was late afternoon and he was starting to get hungry. He had no idea of the nearest town or the number of miles that separated him from the nearest restaurant. He sighed and then observed the landscape around him. He was on a country road, straight and wide, surrounded by trees and fields. It was a beautiful and wild landscape. A landscape that completely tallied with the state of mind of the young man. He smiled even more while accelerating significantly. He could stop at the next town and have a snack before hitting the road. He could stop at a motel for the night. He could do exactly what he wanted. No one would judge him.

Castiel changed the radio station again when statics began to punctuate the songs on the one he had chosen a few minutes earlier. He had some difficulties in finding one that was broadcasting anything other than country music. When he finally managed to, he began to sing his head off. Everything was perfect.

The young man was totally absorbed by the music and the road that seemed to extend endlessly in front of him and was surprised when he saw a figure on the roadside at a hundred yards away. Castiel immediately slowed down. He remembered too well the accidents which people spoke of regularly on TV. People knocked over by drivers who didn't see fit to slow down when seeing them and ended up swerving on the road, costing their lives. Thus he pressed the brake violently as he approached the figure before him.

When he was close enough to see the person who was walking, he figured out that it was a man. He was walking at a rapid pace and had his arm stretched to his left, his thumb up. He was hitchhiking. Castiel wondered how he could have gotten there on foot while the latter city that the young man had already gone through was dozens of miles behind him. Perhaps his previous driver had dumped him here. Or maybe he came from another road Castiel wouldn't have seen. The young man frowned and without really realizing it stopped beside the hitchhiker. He knew it wasn't wise. He was alone in the middle of nowhere and this man could well be a killer in search of his next victim. But Castiel felt optimistic and in the mood to help anyone who needed to. He refused to let that person walk for hours under that blazing sun. He would eventually dehydrate and die on this road where obviously nobody ever passed.

Castiel engaged the handbrake and lowered the window. The hitchhiker turned to him, but kept his distance. The young man couldn't see his face but he guessed he had to be young. Probably his age. He had an old backpack, was wearing jeans worn at the knees and a sweatshirt of which the hood was up on his head probably to protect himself from the sun.

"Can I take you somewhere?" Castiel asked, leaning to see the stranger through the passenger window.

The latter seemed to hesitate to approach but eventually came to lean on the windowsill. He didn't remove his hood and his face was obscured by the shadow of the fabric. Castiel however kept staring at him, waiting for his answer. He should probably have been afraid of the attitude of this man but he felt strangely comfortable in his presence. He had no idea the why of this feeling.

"Where are you going?" Asked the stranger whose hands were now joined inside the car, his elbows still firmly rested on the windowsill.

It was a good question, to which Castiel had no answer. He was driving without a goal since he had left home. He had no clue where he was. He was unable to give a precise destination.

"No idea." He then admitted sincerely.

The stranger didn't seem perturbed by the response. He nodded slowly.

"OK, works for me. No matter where you drop me, it'll still be better than here." He said.

He then straightened to remove the bag from his back and opened the door. He then slipped inside the car and put his bag on the floor between his feet. Castiel looked at him for a second longer, unable to see his face with that damn hood, before pulling back the handbrake and getting back on the road.

"I'm Castiel." He finally launched by way of introduction.

If he had to ride with a passenger for an indefinite time, he preferred to know his first name. Beside him, the stranger's face was turned towards the window and seemed fascinated by the landscape that was passing before his eyes. Which was obviously surprising since it was the same he had had ample opportunity to observe by walking along this road.

"Dean." He finally said without looking at Castiel.

The young man substantially lowered the volume of the radio to be able to discuss freely with his passenger. He was sweating profusely with the heat and despite the open window, and he suspected that Dean was uncomfortable with a sweatshirt and a hood. Moreover the fact that he still hadn't removed it put Castiel unease. He had the feeling that his passenger had something to hide. Could it be that he was disfigured or covered with scars? Castiel shivered.

"What were you doing on the roadside?" The young man asked, pressing the steering wheel in his hands.

Dean groaned a second before sighing.

"Walkin'." He simply answered.

He seemed definitely not willing to discuss. His tone wasn't rude but his answer indicated that he didn't want to go on about the subject. Castiel knew it was definitely not a good sign but he preferred to think it was prudence on the part of the passenger. After all, they didn't know each other and Dean wasn't obliged to answer his questions. Although Castiel would have much preferred him to do.

"Oh… and for a long time?" The young man then asked because he had never been able to silence his obsessive curiosity.

This had made him an excellent pupil and a brilliant student. But it had often complicated his interactions with people. Nobody liked to be questioned of the sort. And Dean probably was no exception.

"For a few hours… three or four I guess… I lost my watch. The person who had picked me before must have had enough of the company. He left me on the roadside. I just kept walking."

Castiel couldn't help but wonder what had led the previous driver to drop Dean in a deserted place like this. He sincerely hoped that this person was not currently dead in a ditch, killed by the hand of his passenger. He hoped to not have made a mistake by picking him up. He bit his lower lip for a second and was surprised when Dean finally spoke again.

"So, what 'bout you?" He asked.

Castiel cast a glance at Dean and saw that he was still looking through the window the trees that passed before his eyes. Castiel wanted to snatch his hood and finally put a face on this deep and sensual voice. He wanted to see the features of the man he had agreed to get into his car. But he refused to ask him. He suspected that this may seem rude.

"How is it that you're driving without knowing in which direction? You just took your car and decided to drive without bothering to choose a destination?"

That was exactly what Castiel had done. He knew it might seem odd to anyone who didn't know him and didn't know what kind of parents he had. But he didn't care what people might think of him. He was happy on the road. Happy to be away from home and away from his family. He didn't need anything more.

"More or less, yes… I just needed to take off to clear my mind. What about you? You have a specific destination that you have to get to?"

Dean didn't answer immediately and Castiel attempted a new glance in his direction. His passenger was looking straight ahead now but the young man still couldn't see his face. His arms were crossed on his chest, his hands half buried in the sleeves of his sweatshirt. He had long and fine fingers. Elegants. Castiel tore himself away from his contemplation to focus on the road.

"Not really… I just like traveling… get around a bit and enjoy all that the US have to offer in terms of landscapes. I just forgot this kind of stuff was easier when you have a car."

Castiel assented. He was surprised to find that his passenger had more or less the same purpose as himself. This meant they could well hit the road together for a while. Unless Dean had lied to him and intended to cut him into pieces shortly. After all, he could well be a multi-recidivist murderer on the lam. The young man attempted to remember if he had seen a prison on the road but he hadn't paid enough attention to his surroundings to know with certainty. This could cost him his life now. He took a quick look at Dean's bag and wondered if it contained knives and firearms. Or even other torture tools like one saw in the movies. He swallowed hard.

"I thought for a time to go to Los Angeles. I've often been told that I could make money by posing for fashion photos… but I don't want to end up as an actor in a porn movie like all these desperate girls you see in reports about Hollywood."

Castiel frowned. If Dean was indeed so sure that he could become a model, he definitely had no reason to hide his face under his hood. And this seemed to prove that he was definitely not disfigured.

"But you know, I don't want to put pressure on you or anything… you can drop me off at the next town or even here if you want. I'm just glad I could rest my legs a few minutes." Dean explained after a few seconds.

Castiel immediately shook his head. The company didn't bother him. Actually, he rather liked the idea of doing part of the ride with someone at his side. He liked to discuss. He liked to ask questions and preferred by far to do it with someone rather than alone. But he couldn't help thinking that Dean was hiding something.

"I don't mind taking you with me." He explained squeezing a bit more tightly the steering wheel in his hands. "Actually, I'm pretty happy to have someone to talk to. We can spend a bit of time together and see where it leads us. I'm in no hurry and obviously you either."

"In this case thank you Cas."

The nickname considerably surprised the young man but he kept it for him. In his family, they didn't have a habit of shortening his first name. Only Gabriel refused to use his whole name. He had acquired the habit to call him Cassie. Which the young man hated at the highest point. But to his surprise, he quite liked 'Cas'. It was short and simple. He knew that 'Castiel' wasn't a common name and people had often made fun of him about it at school. He had eventually gotten used to it.

"Aren't you hot with your sweater?" He asked when the silence became heavy and his curiosity literally suffocating.

Dean approached a hand to his face and passed it under the hood, probably to wipe his face. Castiel watched him for a second before returning his attention to the road.

"A bit yeah." Dean finally conceded.

He pulled his hand from under his hood and leaned forward. For a second, Castiel had the feeling he was going to open his bag, and he couldn't help but significantly move away from him until his arm was pressed against the door. If the young man pulled a knife out, he had no chance to get out of that car alive. He didn't picture himself jumping from the vehicle still in motion and survive like all these guys did in the action movies that Gabriel loved. He would end up stabbed or run over on the road. He had no idea what he preferred. However, he was relieved when he saw that his passenger didn't open his bag and simply grabbed the edge of his sweater to remove it. Castiel couldn't help observing the belly skin of Dean, slightly visible where his shirt had risen along his sweater. The young man immediately looked away and forced himself to watch the tar in front of the car.

"I hate the heat… I hate the sun… I was afraid to get a heatstroke or a sunburn by staying too exposed to sunlight." Dean said then.

Castiel appreciably slowed down to again conform to the speed limit and then cast a quick glance to his passenger. Dean had removed his sweater and had rolled it into a ball on his lap. And he was not disfigured. Far from it. To tell the truth, he wasn't mistaken in thinking that he could earn money by posing for photographers. Because he was literally to die for. His face was fine and his features as drawn by the hand of an artist. His nose was straight, his jaw firm and covered with a thin designer stubble. His hair was light brown and pointing in all directions on the top of his head. He had green eyes and a myriad of freckles over his cheeks and nose. But what captivated Castiel were his lips. They were fleshy and feminine. Of a pale pink, they would probably have made many women green with envy. Castiel was fascinated by his lips. And he had the greatest difficulty in the world to break away from his contemplation and focus again on the road ahead. He didn't want to have an accident because he hadn't enough control over himself not to drool over a handsome man. He doubted his insurance accept this excuse and reimburse him if he crashed into a tree.

"So Cas, obviously you don't know where you're going but I guess you know where you come from right?" Dean asked, turning completely to his companion.

The young man could feel the sweat running down his neck and down his back, sticking his shirt uncomfortably against his skin. He wanted a shower. Preferably cold. And of course it had nothing to do with the gorgeous man who was on his right. At least that was what he was going to keep saying to himself.

"Palm Springs, Florida. You?"

Dean shrugged, clutching his sweater in his hands. Castiel wanted to withdraw his question immediately. He could feel that his companion didn't want to talk about himself. But he anyway considered having the right to know a minimum. He had agreed to drive the young man for a part of the way and he needed to have some informations about him. He wouldn't seek to know very personal details. Just the basics. Enough to stop thinking he might be a killer on the run.

"From here and there… in fact, I never had any ties. But I was born in Kansas… Lawrence to be precise. I lived there for four years and this is the place where I stayed the longest."

Castiel wanted to ask him why. He wanted to know what could have led the young man to travel so much. But he refrained himself. Perhaps he could ask more questions when they would know each other a little better. He contented himself with nodding and watching the road straight ahead.

"Okay, next question…" Dean said cheerfully. "What are you running away from, Cas?"

Castiel felt a chill run down his spine when he heard the young man's question. He knew the fact that he drives aimlessly was strange but he hadn't thought that his companion could have so quickly seen right through him. Above all, he hadn't imagined that he would ask the question when they hardly knew each other.

"What makes you think I'm running away from something?" He retorted.

Dean threw his sweatshirt over his shoulder in the back seat and stretched his legs in front of him as best as he could in the confined space of the car. He put his arm through the window and kept it outstretched, the air crashing into his hand. He seemed carefree at this moment, calm and happy. Castiel found the expression on his face fascinating and he cursed himself for having to drive and look ahead. He would have liked to observe him for several minutes to try to unravel the mystery that he represented. For he knew that there were things to know about his passenger. Things he would have really liked to discover but he doubted to know some day. They weren't friends. Would never be and they would eventually split sooner or later.

"All those who drive aimlessly like you are running away from something… or someone." Dean finally explained while observing his hand and turning it to change the angle at which the wind lashed it.

Castiel sighed deeply. He didn't necessarily want to talk about his family and go into the details of his story with someone he didn't know. But he wasn't opposed to the idea of elaborate a little. He had nothing to hide.

"I'm avoiding the plans that my family has done for me. And you, what are you running away from?"

Dean groaned again one second and then returned his hand inside the car to observe it carefully. Castiel gave him time to answer.

"I avoid responsibilities… I avoid stability. I avoid the normal life everyone dreams about." His passenger finally explained.

Castiel nodded. They were a bit alike on this point. He could understand how easy it was to have the sensation of suffocating when you complied with what the world, family and society expected of you. Sometimes it was easier to follow the rules but it was much more pleasant to turn your back on it and throw yourself into the unknown. To live your life. To enjoy.

"It's a good thing we came across each other then." Castiel commented, smiling again. "We could run away together."

He realized the double meaning of his words just as they crossed the line of his lips. He lost his smile immediately and began to bite his lower lip. He had no idea how Dean would react to his words and the innuendo he hadn't deliberately sought to do. Even if the idea of spending time with the young man didn't displease him.

"Okay but if and only if you let me drive occasionally." Dean replied after long seconds of silence.

Castiel straightaway felt relief engulf him and his smile return strongly. He had the feeling he had just committed in the long term with his passenger and the fact that it was the first time he would be with someone other than a family member for so long made him ecstatic. He didn't know Dean. He didn't know anything about him. He could well be someone dangerous and decided to harm him. But he was very handsome, obviously funny and carefree. And he was all Castiel needed to have fun during this little trip. The young man had never had any romantic or even friendly relationship with someone. He had never been able to fit in the schools he had attended. He was too weird, too curious and too talkative. He was always among the best students and he was the one people mocked more often. He had slept with a few men but had never gone out with any. And he refused to go out with a woman. He had been alone the majority of the time. Which might seem paradoxical for someone who had been raised in a family with six children. Dean looked like all these boys for whom he had had crushes back in school time. All these football players, popular and idolized who regularly took a dislike to him and took delight in heckle him to make others laugh. He was just like those men Castiel admired out of the corner of his eye, dreaming of accost them but never having the courage to. He was inaccessible in the eyes of Castiel. But he was there. He was sitting in the car of the young man and he seemed determined to do a part of the way with him. It was like a dream. A revenge on life.

"That's conceivable… but only if you can prove to me that you have your driver's license. I refuse to leave my car in the hands of anybody… I don't even have your full name." Castiel said, casting a glance at Dean.

His passenger nodded, then reached into the back pocket of his jeans one second before pulling out his license and shake it proudly in front of him.

"Dean Winchester, twenty years old and holder of a driving license for four years." He announced, pointedly sticking his chest out.

Castiel couldn't help laughing for a second. He found his passenger funny. And he could easily picture himself traveling long miles with him and never get bored. He had never done anything out of the ordinary. He hadn't done anything extravagant. He had lived in a protected and secure environment. He had never been drunk, had never touched drugs and had never been out until the early hours of the morning. He intended to make up for lost time now that he was free. And he hoped that Dean was ready to show him some of these things. He smiled when he saw the young man get out a pack of cigarettes from his jeans pocket.

"Mind if I smoke?" He asked, switching the cigarette lighter between Castiel and himself.

The young man shook his head then watched out of the corner of his eye Dean imprison a cigarette between his lips and light it with the cigarette lighter. He was fascinated for a few seconds by the way the young man's mouth had closed around the filter. He shook his head slightly to break away from his contemplation and then realized he still hadn't given his full name to his passenger.

"By the way, I'm Castiel Novak, twenty-two years old and obviously also holder of a driving license."

Dean laughed too before getting rid of the ash from his cigarette through the open window. He then took a new drag that he exhaled by the nose. He seemed more relaxed now. Castiel then realized that he must have had the same fears than him when accepting a ride in this car. He knew nothing of the man who was driving, nothing of his motivations or the things he had in mind by picking him up. After all, Castiel might have wanted to hurt him.

"You know what? You're a blessing! No kidding Cas… without you, I probably would have had to walk for hours under that damn scorching sun. I woulda gone nuts!" Dean told, once again getting rid of the ashes from his cigarette through the window.

Castiel hadn't seen any other car since he had taken this route and he could easily imagine Dean waiting for hours and hours without anyone stopping by. He was really happy to have stopped. He was glad to have taken this road without noticing.

"The person who left you there is quite simply irresponsible and cruel. They should have known that they were making you run a significant risk." Castiel responded.

Dean ended his cigarette silently before discarding the butt outside. He then let his hand into the wind once again and waved his fingers, obviously amused or fascinated by the feeling that it brought him. Castiel had rather the feeling that he wanted to avoid answering the inherent question. He didn't like that.

"Dean?!" He called out to draw the attention of his passenger.

The latter brought his arm inside and turned to Castiel. He crossed his arms over his chest and sighed deeply.

"Actually, I was the one who asked to get out if you want to know." He explained calmly.

"Oh and… can I ask you why?"

Dean ran a hand through his hair then looked at his bag which was still at his feet. For a second, Castiel really wondered what had lead his companion to leave the safety of a vehicle to try his luck on foot. But he wouldn't push the young man to answer him if indeed he refused to do so. He had no right to force him to talk.

"He was wrong about me… he thought I… that I prostituted myself on the roadside. And when he asked me how much I would take to give him a blowjob while he was driving, I decided to get out and walk. These things happen when you hitchhike like me. It's not the first time I get this kind of proposition. You just have to know how to react to prevent things from degenerating." Dean explained, looking up from his bag to look at Castiel.

The latter did not understand how someone could draw conclusions this hasty just because Dean was standing on the roadside. He couldn't imagine doing such a proposition to his passenger. Of course, he could understand that a man was attracted by Dean. He was himself and he had eyes. He knew perfectly well what people could think by seeing him. But that didn't entitle this man to make such proposition to the young man. And certainly not to imply that the latter was ready to do anything to be taken to the next town. He was sometimes surprised and shocked by the attitude of people.

"Well, if it can reassure you, that's not what I thought when I saw you." Castiel assured with a smile.

Dean shrugged before nodding.

"It reassures me."

Castiel then turned up the volume of the radio again and Dean settled more comfortably on the passenger seat. He closed his window and leaned his head against. Castiel took a new look at him and realized that the young man had impressive dark circles under his eyes. He was probably exhausted after all those hours spent walking in direct sunlight. He had well deserved to rest.

"You should sleep a little… I will wake you when we'll be arrived at the next town." Castiel said.

Dean nodded, then grabbed his sweater, rolled it into a ball and slipped it between his head and the glass. He then shifted a few seconds on the seat, presumably to find a more comfortable position, and finally closed his eyes.

"Thanks for everything Cas." Dean whispered.

Castiel saw no reason for the young man to thank him. He was happy to have a passenger for a few days. He liked his company and he was delighted to have someone to share this experience with. Maybe was he wrong to trust a man of whom he hardly knew anything. But he didn't care. He felt good in the company of Dean and he wanted to believe that he had made the right choice. He was just about to live a great adventure and he was glad to not live it alone. And the fact that Dean was incredibly attractive was a definite plus… although Castiel refused to think about it for now.

The young man tried to focus on the road and on the music the radio was broadcasting by the loudspeakers. But it was hard not to look at Dean at regular intervals. He knew, to the way the young man had to breathe deeply and slowly, that he was asleep. His face was half buried in his sweater and a hand was pressed against his sensual mouth. He seemed particularly innocent in this position, childlike and vulnerable. Castiel released the accelerator pedal and let his gaze venture into the neck of the young man. The collar of his shirt was lowered at his shoulder. Cas caught a glimpse of the top of a tattoo on his clavicle. He bit his lip. He would have liked to know what it represented. He wanted to see how big it was. And of course if it required that Dean removes his shirt, Castiel was not likely to complain. He smiled in spite of himself, then turned back to the road. He was accustomed to feel extremely strong things for men with whom he had no chance. He had always thought it was for fear of committing with them. It was easier to be attracted to men who never did a double-take when he passed one. It prevented him from having to make the first move. He stayed safely secured in his corner and never had to consider the possibility of a romantic relationship. It was inevitable for him to feel attracted to Dean. He was handsome, incredibly handsome. He was mysterious and seemed nice and funny. He was all Castiel could want. Which meant he was most likely straight. Which definitely reassured the young man. Because he didn't want a relationship with someone. He wanted to live a real adventure. Maybe meet men and have a good time with them. But he sought nothing more. And hoped he could become friends with Dean. It would be a first for him.

Castiel accelerated considerably, looking straight ahead. Beside him, Dean had started to snore softly. His presence comforted Castiel without him quite knowing why. He had never been alone in his life while being terribly lonely since he was a child. He had been surrounded by his parents and siblings. But he had always been alone at school. He had thought he would also go on this ride alone. He had thought he would be happy to. But just hours after his departure, he was already accompanied. And he was relieved of that. He knew that eventually, Dean would go. They probably wouldn't keep in contact with each other. However, they were going to do some way together and it was a novelty for Castiel. He smiled, thinking of all he didn't know yet and would probably discover with Dean. He was dizzy just by imagining all the possibilities presented to him. He had lived as a recluse much of his life and he had the feeling of having missed hundreds of things that others had known. He thought back to the tattoo in Dean's neck. He had never thought to mark himself like that. But the idea was attractive now that he could see the thin black lines hang over the hem of the shirt of the young man. He cast a new glance at his passenger. Dean was now fully turned to the window and Castiel couldn't see his face. He observed his back instead. He hadn't realized how the young man seemed more muscled than himself. His stature was masked by the too large sweater he had worn previously. But his t-shirt was sticking to his skin with sweat, leaving little to the imagination. Dean was muscled and had broad shoulders. A strip of skin was visible just above the waistband of his jeans, where his shirt was significantly raised. Castiel watched it for a second. There were traces of another tattoo on his lower back, obviously letters along his spine. Castiel was intrigued. He wondered how many tattoos the young man could have on his body. He could ask him when Dean would be awakened. He supposed it was nothing too intrusive. He nodded and turned his attention on the road for the umpteenth time. Dean was a mystery he expected to unravel. He was going to make it the aim of his trip. After all, he had nothing better to do than to get to know the man he had invited into his car. He just hoped that what he would learn wouldn't make him regret accepting him to get in.

 


	2. First Evening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Second chapter of this story. I want to clarify here that it will be written only from Castiel's POV because I want you to learn gradually Dean's story and if I had written from his point of view, I would have had to reveal things from the beginning. So you will discover what he's hiding together with Cas.
> 
> I want to thank you for being so many to read and comment this chapter. I'll try to answer to all those who will write to me. I couldn't do it before but I want to do it now.
> 
> With that, I leave you with this new chapter and I wish you to enjoy your reading.
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> I see you de Mika
> 
> Warnings: underage drinking, brief self-deprecation, mention of past drug use, minor physical violence, panic attack

" _To put your trust in men is to get yourself killed a little_ "

Céline

 

They had eventually stopped in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia. Castiel was driving for more than eight hours and he was frankly exhausted when he finally pulled into the parking lot of the first motel they had crossed on the road. Dean had slept for a good part of the trip and he seemed much more rested when he got out of the car. He offered to take care of booking two rooms and Castiel accepted with a smile, patiently waiting for him outside. His companion returned a few minutes later with two keys. They didn't even discuss the possibility of separating after joining a city. They seemed willing to leave together the next day and Castiel was perfectly satisfied. They each joined their room to take a shower and agreed to meet later to have a snack together and have a drink. Castiel immediately dashed to the bathroom of his room and let the warm water dispel the sweat accumulated during the day. He then put on a new jeans and a t-shirt and his jacket. He checked his appearance several times in the mirror before going out of his room to join Dean.

The young man was waiting for him, leaning on the railing that separated the rooms from the parking lot. He was smoking a cigarette in silence, obviously fascinated by what he was seeing. Castiel frowned by watching the parking lot in his turn. There was nothing very interesting to see. Evidently, Dean was thinking otherwise. He had put his sweatshirt back on and had again lifted his hood over his head. Castiel had to admit that the temperature had dropped considerably now that the sun had set but he found the hood unnecessary. He had the feeling that Dean didn't want to be seen. Castiel quickly wiped this idea of his mind because it relatively made him uncomfortable.

Dean finally turned to him when he arrived a meter from him. He gave him a broad smile before throwing his cigarette over the balustrade. He had perked up and the few hours of sleep he had taken the car had made him a world of good. He was even more attractive than when Castiel had seen him for the first time.

"There's a bar not far from there… we can walk there and grab a bite." Dean proposed, readjusting his hood so that it cover a little more his face.

Castiel nodded right away. He was tired and he didn't necessarily want to hang around outside very long. He was not against the idea of spending time with Dean but he thought he could do that when he would be a little more well-rested. He wanted to sleep even more than he wanted to discover things about his new friend. Which showed just how the young man was exhausted. He followed Dean to the said bar then sat opposite him at a table in one of the less enlightened corners of the place. He remained silent, watching his companion who seemed fascinated by their surroundings. He seemed to take his time to examine every people in the bar, every corner of which you couldn't see much. He seemed to be on his guard. Castiel frowned, realizing that this was not the first time that Dean had this attitude in his presence. He had behaved the same way when he'd been driving and again when he was waiting for him outside his hotel room.

He interrupted his contemplation and erased his ideas from his mind when the waitress came to take their order. Dean opted for a beer and a burger when Castiel chose a soda and a salad. He didn't pay particular attention to his line but he had always hated eating greasy before going to bed. He watched his companion openly flirt with the young woman who was taking their order and, on her request, show his identity card for alcohol. Castiel knew that Dean wasn't twenty-one but obviously he had an identity card which showed a different date of birth. A fake ID. Castiel knew that many young people had one to be able to drink alcohol in bars. But he wasn't very comfortable with the idea. He had always gone the rules by the book and didn't like people to contravene them beneath his very eyes. He nevertheless refrained from intervening. He didn't want to quarrel with Dean about it.

When the waitress was satisfied by what she saw on the ID card and the flattery of his companion, she moved away from the table, swaying her hips excessively. Obviously, she was interested. How could she not be?

"Okay, Cas… Let's talk seriously. I know you don't have a specific intention for your little trip. But you must have some idea of what you want to see in our beautiful country!" Dean said, returning his attention to Castiel after having lengthily followed the waitress with his eyes.

The young man shrugged. He was a bit annoyed by the way his companion had been flirting with the waitress and this idea unnerved him even more. He grabbed a paper towel into the dispenser on the table and began to tear it into small pieces.

"Not really… I've never traveled. I don't know what is more interesting to see or do. I suppose you could give me some advice. You've been doing that for a long time, right?"

Dean nodded before passing a hand over his face. In the dim light of the bar, his eyes seemed to shine.

"I'm on the road for a little over a year. I've seen loads of things. But it was the first time that I came to Florida… and no offense to your home state, I must confess that this is definitely not my favorite place!"

Castiel smiled weakly. He totally shared the opinion of his companion. He had never liked Florida. He didn't like Palm Springs. But he had never lived elsewhere and had truly believed that he would never leave. He was happy to have finally crossed the border.

"I can understand." He assured, smiling more frankly. "The weather is horrible, people absolutely detestable and during summer, it's overrun with tourists!"

"You never went on holiday elsewhere? Not even with your parents?"

Castiel looked away for a second. He remembered perfectly the school holidays he spent in his room, reading while his parents were busy with other things. He had never really shared anything with them. And when they didn't want him at home, they contented themselves with sending him elsewhere.

"They regularly sent me to summer camp." He explained, wincing.

"Must have been cool, no?"

Castiel sneered one second. This was definitely not the right word for what he suffered every summer. He had never complained of course. He had always accepted the fate that was reserved for him. He didn't disobey and followed the rules. He had tried to be the perfect son. But things were different now. He had every intention of catching up.

"Not really… these summer camps were… it was an excuse for all the good Catholic families to be able to get rid of their children just a few weeks. They got us to study the Bible and pray for hours. There was nothing cool about it." He protested.

Dean winced in his turn and Castiel was pleased to see that he sympathized with his fate.

"I can imagine… I've never particularly been a supporter of all these religion bullshit. I don't like the way they guilt-trip people to make them do what they think is right. That's just sick."

Castiel nodded as he fully shared the opinion of the young man.

"But to come back to what you were saying earlier, I can actually advise you some places to see… the first is undoubtedly the Grand Canyon. It's absolutely beautiful and gigantic. You feel so small when you stand at the edge that you… you realize how vast the world is and how we are… insignificant. I spent some extraordinary days there a month ago. I can also advise you the Black Hills… National Parks are wonderful over there. Oh and I think I remember that there's the biggest haystack somewhere in Arkansas but I'm not very sure to remember where. The United States is vast and there are hundreds of things to see." Dean said, apparently determined to change the subject.

Castiel was grateful for it and smiled while listening to him talk about these places with enthusiasm and nostalgia. He seemed to have seen and experienced so many things that the young man couldn't help but feel a little jealous of him. He would have liked to have the same experiences. But he would catch up very quickly. He promised it to himself.

"Apart from that, what do you do when you don't travel?" Dean asked, pulling Castiel out of his daydreams.

The waitress chose that moment to come and bring them their drinks and meals. Dean gave her a big smile and a wink that made her blush. He seemed comfortable when it came to flirting. It was a new thing that differentiated them considerably. Castiel had always been bad at making a man understand that he was interested. He talked too much, stammered and ended up making himself ridiculous. But Dean managed to convey his message without even opening his mouth. He was gifted. Castiel waited for the waitress to leave them alone again to answer the question.

"I just got accepted into a medical school."

"That's pretty awesome, right? Well, I mean… That's a prestigious thing. Must be really proud of yourself."

Castiel shrugged. He actually drew some satisfaction in his ability to have passed the entrance tests to the medical school. But he wasn't proud of it. And that wasn't enough to satisfy him completely. Probably because he had never wanted to be a doctor.

"I know what everyone thinks but I'm not… this is not what I want to do with my life. That's what my parents want me to become… which is different and… particularly stifling. I chose to put my studies aside for now. I want to experience the world as you have done and… I want to live and find my way in life."

Dean nodded before taking a long sip of his beer. Castiel watched him do without trying to hide. He was totally fascinated by the way Dean's lips were closing around the neck of the bottle and by the movement of his Adam's apple every time he swallowed.

"What about you? You… do you study anything?" He managed to ask after tearing his eyes away from his contemplation to watch his plate.

His salad seemed appetizing. But he hadn't touched it yet. He wasn't really hungry for now. Dean, meanwhile, took a bite of his burger and moaned loudly. Obviously, the food was good.

"No, no studies for me. Actually, I haven't even finished high school. Must be too stupid." He calmly explained.

Castiel was not sure that the last sentence was a joke. He had the feeling that the young man really thought not to be smart enough to do studies. Which was silly. But he knew nothing of his companion or what some people might have said in the past. Maybe he hadn't had the right teachers. Or maybe his parents were the type to deprecate him simply because he wasn't top student. There were thousands of explanation as to why Dean hadn't finished high school. But Castiel knew that it wasn't because he was stupid.

"I do not think this is a matter of intelligence… Sometimes, some people just aren't meant for studies… Aren't meant to fit the mold of the American education system." He replied.

Dean smiled to him, still holding his burger in his hands.

"That's all me." He said.

Castiel finally grabbed his fork and slid it between the salad leaves on his plate. He sighed before swallowing some and getting rid of them with a sip of soda. Dean put down his burger to take some French fries that he sank in his mouth, lengthily licking his fingers in passing. Castiel immediately looked away. He could have sworn that the gesture of his companion was intentional.

"You told me that you were traveling for a little over a year… and I suppose you need money for all of that… how do you do to have enough?" Castiel asked to keep the conversation going and focus on something other than the mouth of his companion.

Dean grabbed his glass of beer and stared at it for long seconds.

"I work when it becomes necessary. I've been waiter. I dishwashed in some restaurants. I even worked a few weeks in a garage. I live from hand to mouth Cas. It's easier than what you seem to think. And if that's the question you're asking yourself, I prefer to tell you right away that I've never prostituted myself."

That was not at all what Castiel thought and he was upset that Dean could imagine that this was what he wanted to know. He immediately shook his head.

"No, I wasn't thinking anything like that. I'm just kind of… curious. If it bothers you, you have to tell me because I may ask lots of questions… lots lots of questions."

Dean shrugged and put down his glass of beer without drinking one gulp. Castiel could feel that his companion was uncomfortable. He didn't understand what he had done for Dean to draw such conclusions. This was the second time that the young man evoked something like this. He seemed particularly sensitive on the subject. Castiel could understand. But he hadn't implied anything like that. Of course, he was attracted to his companion. He didn't, however, have the impression of having been too obvious in his way of behaving. He cleared his throat, desperately seeking a new topic of conversation. Fortunately for him, Dean took care of it in his place a few seconds later.

"You're leaving someone behind you, taking this little journey? A girlfriend?"

Castiel shook his head, looking down at his salad.

"No girlfriend, no… in truth, I never really had a girlfriend."

"Oh you mean you're a virgin?" Dean promptly asked, frowning.

Castiel could have been. He was shy and uncomfortable when he was in the presence of someone he liked. But he wasn't for some years now. His first time hadn't been frankly satisfactory. After admitting his homosexuality and decided to above all not tell anyone, he had gone to a gay club which he had learned about on the Internet. He had then met Balthazar, a charming fellow who had brought him at his apartment. They had slept together without taking the time to talk about them or exchange anything. Castiel had taken pleasure in the moment. But he had regretted having gone with the flow almost immediately. He had waited a long time before doing it again. The second time had been better. He had repeated the experience several times later. He had never had a romantic relationship with a man. Never more than an evening with the same one. He would never have lived with dating a man. And it was unthinkable to talk about it with his parents. He didn't know if he could approach the subject with Dean. But he wanted to be honest with the young man. If they were to travel together, he preferred to know from now on if his homosexuality was a problem to his companion.

"No, I am not a virgin… It's just that… I am not… not really interested in women." He stammered, keeping his eyes on his salad.

Dean said nothing for several seconds and Castiel closed his eyes right away. He shouldn't have approached the subject. But now that he had gotten things perfectly clear, it was unthinkable to go back. He had to take responsibility for what he had said. He raised his head, opened his eyes and placed them on his companion.

"Is this going to be a problem?" He asked calmly.

Dean smiled at him before shaking his head.

"That you're gay? Nope, certainly not. I told you. I'm not the type to like trying to get people into boxes. I don't care of what may seem normal to others. I'm pretty tolerant about many things. But if you had told me that you had a long distance relationship, it would probably have been a problem!"

Castiel could not help laughing, relieved to hear of acceptance in the words and tone of Dean. He then smiled at him and watched him finish his burger with enthusiasm.

"I take it that you don't have a girlfriend either." He said.

He really wanted to learn more about the young man. He guessed that Dean didn't like to talk about him. But he was extremely curious.

"No, I don't wanna be… attached to someone. I like the idea of meeting new people every day… to share a moment with some and just a few moments with others. I like discovery. I find this extremely exciting."

Castiel nodded. He liked Dean's way of thinking. He was honest and didn't hide his desire to not keep any attachment to the places he left. There was something refreshing in his way of seeing life and get on his own. He was carefree and adventurous. He was exactly what Castiel needed to get a good start on this journey.

"You know, for someone like me, simply leaving Florida is exciting." Castiel confided, returning his attention on his plate, determined to eat this time.

He swallowed a few bites of salad before taking a sip of his soda. He felt much better than at their arrival in the bar. He felt good in the company of Dean. He knew he had a lot to learn from him.

"You've never done anything a little... extravagant?" Dean asked.

Castiel put down his fork and shook his head. He had always stuck to the rules that his parents had imposed. He had never transgressed them except for his sexual preferences. But he had never spent the night out. He had always returned home after sleeping with these men.

"Nothing whatsoever. I've never been to any student party. I've never been drunk. I have never smoked cigarettes or weed. Actually, I have always been extremely well-behaved. I didn't have any of the experiences that people my age had. That must seem a little pathetic to you, right?"

"Certainly not pathetic." Dean immediately assured with a smile. "But that's still a bit sad. Well, I mean, there are so many stupid things that you can only do at our age. I remember some brilliant evenings spent drinking too much with friends met on the road. For cigarettes, even though I'm in no position to say, I don't recommend them. 'cuz it's hard to do without after. But pot on the other hand, if you have top quality, it can really be awesome. I could maybe show you a thing or two… Well, I know we haven't talked about it yet but if you want… we could…"

"It would be with pleasure." Castiel interrupted him because he saw exactly where his companion was driving at.

Dean smiled at him and raised his glass of beer to toast. Castiel did likewise and hit the bottom of his glass with the one of his companion. They each drank a sip before Dean rest his glass to catch a French frie in his plate. Castiel thought about the tattoos he had glimpsed in the neck and lower back of his companion. He bit his lip for a second before daring to ask the question nagging him for a few hours.

"Can I ask you something?" He asked to Dean, watching him lick his fingers again.

Dean motioned him to get started, looking him in the eye again.

"Earlier, when you were asleep, I saw… I discerned tattoos on your neck and your back and… I was wondering if they had a special meaning… if you had many more."

Dean cleared his throat a second before catching the collar of his shirt and pulling it forward to give a glimpse of the tattoo that started from the junction between his neck and shoulder and went down along his chest. It seemed imposing and Castiel was really intrigued. He kept his eyes on the black and fine lines that appeared to have been drawn with a brush on the skin of the young man.

"I have a few indeed. Four in total. Some have meaning and others don't. I see them as a way to assert myself and be really me. And if you must know, I also have two piercings. One on the tongue and one on the left nipple."

Castiel felt sweat drip on his forehead while Dean was sticking his tongue out to let him see the piercing he had at this location. It wasn't huge, just a small silver ball that proudly stood in the middle of his tongue, but it was incredibly sexy. Castiel swallowed hard, doing his best not to think about the second piercing Dean had mentioned.

"We're so different you and me!" He commented, amused to see how they seemed to get along when they had obviously nothing in common.

Dean laughed one second, shrugging. He seemed amused in his turn. Castiel couldn't tell if it was because he found his remark stupid or because he was on the contrary totally agreeing with what he had just said. It didn't matter. Castiel liked the laughter of Dean and he wanted to hear him laugh again and again. He looked down at his salad and set about finishing it. He then emptied his glass of soda and when he looked again at his companion, Dean had also finished eating. He was watching the other side of the bar, frowning. He seemed to have seen something that bothered him. Castiel looked in the same direction and saw two men who seemed to be arguing in whispers. He assumed that it was not something surprising in a bar like this and since no staff member seemed distraught, he turned his attention to Dean.

"What is it?" he asked, curious to see his companion so disturbed by a simple dispute of drunks.

He must have witnessed such scenes a thousand times in year spent on the road and in places like this. He shouldn't have been so surprised. But he seemed completely petrified by what he was seeing. And it immediately aroused the suspicion of the young man.

"Dean, are you all right?"

The young man glanced at him and Castiel then realized how he was pale under the neon lights of the bar. He had wide eyes and was biting his lower lip. He wasn't only surprised or taken aback by the dispute of the two men. He was terrified. Castiel was totally lost. He opened his mouth to say something but a thud behind him stopped him. He turned to see what was happening and saw the two men coming to blows. One of them had pushed the other against a table, making it overturn. They started exchanging punches and one of the servers finally intervened to separate them.

"Kate, call the cops!" The employee shouted by catching one of the the two men by the shoulders.

Castiel watched them struggle for a few seconds when a new sound at the table made him turn. He then saw that Dean had stood up abruptly from his chair, making it fall to the ground. He had put on his sweater again, raised his hood and thrown bills on the table to pay their meals. He said nothing to Castiel and turned his back to walk away. Castiel was unable to move for several seconds, watching his companion leave the bar with great strides. He got to his feet and returned his attention to the fight at the end of the bar. The waiter seemed to have been struck in the face and he had released the man he had been holding back. Several people were screaming and some customers had interposed in their turn. Kate had the phone glued against her ear and seemed to speak fast-paced to her interlocutor. Castiel then chose to leave in his turn. He could not intervene - he couldn't fight - and he wanted to see where Dean had gone. He left the bar quickly and looked around. His companion wasn't waiting in the parking lot. Castiel took the way back to the motel and finally saw Dean at the end of the street, bent, his hands on his knees. He was vomiting his meal in the grass.

"Hey Dean?" Castiel called him, stopping a few steps from him.

The young man coughed for a few seconds before straightening, groaning. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before facing Castiel.

"Sorry I… I hate fights." He said in a trembling voice.

Castiel could understand that violence was a problem for him but he didn't see how a simple dispute in a bar could have triggered such a reaction in him. This seemed considerably excessive to him. He ran a hand over his face and could not help but feel slightly uncomfortable by watching his companion fold a little his hood over his face.

"I think I'm just… I'm tired." Dean added, casting a glance over his shoulder.

He seemed to need to verify that they were alone. Castiel found all this weird. His companion was behaving like someone who was afraid of being recognized. Someone who was afraid of being monitored and Castiel didn't like that idea at all. He knew nothing of Dean and he began to wonder if he hadn't been wrong to trust him so quickly. He swallowed hard as he began to hear the sirens of police cars. Dean jumped and then turned his back and walked away quickly. Castiel raised his eyes to Heaven, uncomfortable. He had no idea what was happening but he knew his companion hadn't told him everything. His violent reaction wasn't only due to fatigue. There was something else. Castiel shook his head before following Dean up to the motel. The young man then stopped at the door of his room and pulled his cigarette pack out of his pocket.

"You can leave alone tomorrow if you want." Dean said when Castiel came to his level.

The latter would have been unable to say how his companion could have known he was there. He couldn't see him with his hood pulled down over his face and his back turned. He seemed to have a sixth sense.

"Why would I leave alone?" He asked.

Dean shrugged and smoked in silence for long seconds. When he spoke again, his voice was cold and detached. But Castiel could guess his anguish behind the words used.

"I know I'm weird. I've been told often enough to not be surprised anymore when people tell me. And if you prefer to get rid of me tonight, I can understand. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

Castiel had to admit that the behavior of his companion destabilized him. He didn't like the way Dean systematically hid his face when they were outside. He didn't like that he feels compelled to check around him systematically to make sure no one was watching him. And he definitely didn't like his reaction to the violence of the two men in the bar. This tended to prove that the young man was hiding something important. But yet he didn't intend to leave him on the roadside. He well might suspected something was wrong with his companion, yet he didn't feel like he was in danger.

"I've also been told often that I was weird." Castiel confessed, leaning on the railing to the right of Dean.

The latter sighed deeply before taking a drag on his cigarette.

"You're weird." He confirmed.

Castiel smiled as he felt some of his discomfort disappear. It probably would have been more prudent to let Dean in the motel and take flight in the night. The former Castiel wouldn't have hesitated a second before doing so. But the young man was a new person now. He wanted to live an adventure on the road and he liked the idea that Dean was at his side. Even if his behavior might seem weird. After all, Castiel had spent his childhood being told he wasn't like the others. He supposed it gave them at least one thing in common. He cleared his throat.

"Have you been beaten when you were a child?"

He didn't know why he asked the question, or even if he had the right to question Dean about it. He didn't want to seem overly curious. But it was too late to go back.

"No." Dean answered coldly.

Castiel nodded and chose not to insist. He thought this could be an explanation for the behavior of his companion. A beaten child became generally an adult incapable of supporting the violence around them. And the obvious desire of Dean to run away and never stay long in one place fully supported such a hypothesis. But Castiel had no right to ask for more details on this point. He had to accept that his companion wished not to talk about it.

"Listen Castiel, you're a nice guy and I like spending time with you but… you need you to know this before taking the decision to keep me… I don't like talking about myself… I hate confiding and… I often behave inexplicably. Either you can accept it or I prefer we stop here."

Dean's ultimatum surprised the young man. He had expected remonstrances about his morbid curiosity but certainly not something this radical. He was disconcerted by the ability of his companion to move from one attitude to another, from one emotion to another in the space of a second. He was unsettling. Castiel was offered a new opportunity to abandon him to his fate and he knew he had to seize it. It was definitely too weird for him. Although he didn't have a great knowledge in human relationships, he was nevertheless aware that Dean's behavior was strange. The most reasonable attitude would have been to leave without him and forget him as soon as possible. But Castiel didn't intend to do so. He didn't want to be reasonable. He did not want to think as he had done his whole life. He wanted to enjoy every moment and experience something new and exciting. Something that Dean would no doubt offer him if they were traveling together for a while.

"I accept it." He finally declared.

In the distance he could still hear the sirens of police cars. He wondered for a second how things were going at the bar. The two men had probably been arrested. They would undoubtedly be led in drunk tank. Castiel wondered what it looked like. He had never been in a police station in his life. It was an experience that he preferred not to know.

"OK.y." Dean agreed, pulling him out of his dreams.

The sirens seemed closer and Castiel saw his companion lower his head completely, presenting only the top of his head, covered by his hood, to anyone who might look in his direction from the parking lot of the motel. He finished his cigarette but still held the butt between his fingers. He seemed lost in thought. Castiel chose to say nothing and to observe what little he could see of the young man. His fingers. They were fine and elegant. The young man was wearing a silver ring on the right ring finger. It looked like a wedding band and he was surprised to find that the design was feminine. Obviously, it had belonged to a woman. He wanted to ask to whom but he knew he would get no response. Dean had made himself clear about that. He didn't like to talk about him and Castiel had agreed not to ask questions. He had to keep his promise. He sighed as the sirens were significantly going away now.

"I'm not a bad person Cas." Dean whispered, startling the young man.

He took a few seconds to analyze what he had just heard. He was relieved to hear those words even though he knew they were the ones that a bad person would most certainly say to get the trust of his next victim. But he could not help believing them. He could feel the sincerity in the words of Dean.

"I know." He assured.

He then raised his hand, ready to lay it in the back of his companion but renounced at the last moment. He estimated not to be sufficiently close to the young man to give him some kind of comfort.

"I'm gonna go to bed." Dean then declared, straightening up.

He still had his hood down over his face and Castiel could not see his eyes. He had always be pleased to manage to guess what people thought by looking them in the eye. But with Dean, this possibility had been removed and he was totally destabilized. He could only rely on what the young man said to him and agree to trust him. Although this went against everything he knew reasonable. He sighed deeply and nodded to indicate his companion that he had heard what he had said. Dean then threw his cigarette butt over the railing and walked toward the door of his room.

"See you tomorrow Cas." He said, laying his hand on the handle.

Castiel didn't answer immediately and was surprised to see that Dean didn't move. Obviously, he needed to hear the young man say the same thing. Maybe for reassurance that he would indeed be there when the sun would rise. There was great insecurity in his companion that only reinforced his certainty that he had experienced something difficult. A fear of abandonment that he hardly concealed under a casual and detached attitude.

"See you tomorrow Dean." Castiel finally said, smiling weakly.

His companion opened the door of his room and disappeared inside by closing it. Castiel remained long seconds contemplating the closed door and then took the direction of his own room. Once inside, he quickly undressed and went into the bathroom. He didn't need to take a shower but he wanted to feel the warm water on his skin. He was tense and it was the only thing that could completely relax him. He adjusted the temperature for a few seconds for it to be absolutely perfect and then slipped inside the shower. He closed his eyes, raising his face to the head. The water was falling over his forehead and shoulders, finally chasing the discomfort that Dean's behavior had raised the pit of his stomach. He could almost hear his father's voice in his head yelling at him to go home and stop his monkey business. Castiel was aware that his choice to leave and stay with his companion was mainly due to his will to contradict the man who had given him orders since he was born. That wasn't just that of course. He was also intrigued by the young man. Curious to know why he acted strangely. To understand who he really was. He wasn't sure to have an answer to his questions one day but he had every intention to try his luck. Dean was just what he needed to put an end to a life spent doing what was asked of him. The young man had a wild side that attracted him. He wanted to find out what he was capable of. He wanted to see all those things that the young man had told him about by having at his side. He wanted to share experiences with him. It was strange. Castiel had never experienced anything like this. He had already been physically attracted to inaccessible men. He had met people that he had wanted to know. But never before this feeling had been so strong. It was not only sexual or physical. It was much more than that. And this considerably frightened the young man. He was in unfamiliar territory. He had no one to tell him what to do or how to behave. For the first time in his life he was completely master of his destiny and decisions. He knew he probably would commit errors. But it was a chance for him to make up for lost time. He hadn't had an adolescence and he fully intended to make the most of his new freedom to live it delayed. This involved him to silence his brain and act in a carefree manner in his turn. Dean would probably be an excellent guide for him.

Castiel stood under the water until it becomes lukewarm. He turned off the shower, dried himself and then slipped under the blankets completely naked. He took a few seconds to wonder what Dean was doing in his room. Was he already asleep? Had he also taken a shower? Castiel bit his lip as he thought of his companion naked and wet. He erased this idea of his mind when he felt his body starting to react to the images his brain sent him back. He could not deny that he was physically attracted to the young man. He wasn't ashamed of it. He had come to accept his homosexuality. And if he had lived all his life by hiding, he had every intention of not repeating the same mistake. He was ready to multiply sexual experiences. He wanted to feel desired. He wanted to meet men he liked and lead them to his room to make love to them. He was twenty two and had years of sexual frustration to erase.

Castiel smiled, thinking of all the possibilities open to him. No matter that Dean was or not interested by him. There were many other men who would be attracted by him. He finally had a chance to live his life as he had dreamed it hundreds of times without ever admit it. He had long believed that following the order of his parents was what he needed to be perfectly happy. But he had buried his head in the sand. He needed to be honest to himself to be really good about himself. He needed to break free from the grip of his parents and become someone in his own right. He knew Dean was definitely the right person to help him. And it was this idea that accompanied him when he finally let sleep engulf him for good.

 


	3. Temptation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello.
> 
> Here comes chapter 3 of this new story. We learn a little more about Dean. Poor Castiel by the way...
> 
> Small warning for this chapter: it contains a sex scene with slightly SM accents. We also see Dean's lack of self-esteem.
> 
> With that, I wish you a good reading.
> 
> Thank you for reading me and leaving reviews. Continue! This is also why I write.
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> Liar Liar by Cris Cab
> 
> Warnings: underage drinking, public sex, explicit sexual scene, voyeurism, light SM, brief discussion of sex and kinks, low self-esteem
> 
> Kind reminder that the characters thoughts and POV don't necessarily reflect the author's opinion. The characters have their own way of seeing things, and we know that not everyone has the same opinion.

" _To discuss with temptation is to be about to give in to it_ "

Miguel De Unamuno

 

The first week spent on the road was without incident between Castiel and Dean. They drove all day, stopping only to eat or observe the landscape that was offered to them. At night, they stopped at a motel and ate together in the nearest bar. They talked about this and that but never too personal topics. Castiel was dying to know more about Dean and his companion continued to keep it all for himself. He often wore a hood or hat when they were in public and Castiel had gotten used to it. It was still strange and essentially unsettling but he accepted it. Dean was free to dress as he pleased and he didn't feel like having the right to make comments on this.

They laughed a lot together, agreed on most subjects and debated others with enthusiasm. Since they had left Atlanta, they had driven without really thinking about where they wanted to go. They were now not far from San Antonio, Texas, near the Mexican border. Castiel had discussed the idea of crossing it to spend a day in Mexico but Dean had refused immediately. He didn't want to cross the border, saying they would spend hours there and waste their time. Castiel didn't insist even if the refusal of his companion had somewhat destabilized him. They had therefore agreed to spend the evening a few kilometers from the border in an affordable motel that was surrounded by fast food and shady bars.

Castiel followed his usual routine when arriving at the motel. He took a shower, dressed warmly due to cold temperatures then went outside to join Dean. The young man was smoking a cigarette in front of his own room, as always, his cap set on his head and visor down over his eyes. He was also wearing sunglasses despite the late hour. Castiel said nothing as he was accustomed. He waited until his companion had seen him then waited for him to finish his cigarette before setting off towards the restaurants that were installed along the road on either side of the motel. Dean usually chose the place where they ate. He was more experienced in this field and knew what places to avoid to not risk getting sick. He didn't seem to appreciate the big fast food chains, had a preference for smaller restaurants where the food was familial and bars that were less crowded. Castiel preferred not ask why. He suspected it had to do with the crowd that Dean systematically fled. He was never at ease when it was crowded around them.

They settled in an unpretentious café and dined in an almost religious silence. The food was good and Castiel felt pretty good when he had finished his steak. They hadn't driven much in the day and had shared the time spent behind the wheel. He wasn't tired and he wanted to go out. Dean accepted his offer and they opted for a bar not far away. The place was dimly lit and almost empty. There were only three other customers when they entered it. A couple was discussing in a corner of the room, holding hands. A single man was drinking a beer in the bar. Dean ordered their drinks, whiskey for him and soda for Castiel then joined the young man at the table he had chosen for them. He was beginning to know well the preferences of his companion and he had opted for the most distant table in the bar, far enough from the front door and the window so that he could watch both.

Dean thanked him with a nod and sat on the chair that was up against the wall. Castiel sat opposite him. He took a sip of his soda silently before deciding to break the silence.

"I thought to continue along the border to the ocean. If we continue at this pace, we could be there next week." He claimed.

He wanted to see the Pacific Ocean for the first time in his life in the company of Dean. He hoped to then go up along the coast and eventually stop in Las Vegas to see with his own eyes what he had heard so many people talk about. He didn't know if Dean would be disposed, but he hoped so.

"That's a good idea. I would not be against a detour to San Francisco. There's something magical in this city that you'll probably love." Dean replied, smiling.

He had removed his sunglasses, but He was still wearing his cap. And he wasn't looking at Castiel. The young man did his best not to be offended by his attitude but it was difficult. He would have liked his companion to give him his full attention. He estimated deserving it. But Dean was looking over his shoulder, somewhere at the other end of the bar. Castiel turned to see what was so interesting. His eyes lingered one second on the customer who was drinking alone and who was in the field of view of his companion. He was watching them too, his glass pressed against his lips closed. Castiel tore his eyes away from him and turned his attention to Dean.

"You've ever been to Vegas?" He asked for his companion to remember that he was still there.

Dean frowned, looking at him.

"Once yes… I didn't really like it." He answered.

"Let me guess… too much people?"

Castiel suspected that a place filled with so much strangers was bound to displease Dean. He was more the type to enjoy the great outdoors than the crowded cities. He liked the great desert expanses more than the overcrowded streets. Castiel could understand. But since his friend had suggested that they stop in San Francisco, he had tried his luck.

"That and… It's artificial, you know. There's nothing real in this city. Everything has been built in the middle of a desert just to make it a consumption temple… it's decadent. It's fake. It has no history."

Castiel could understand that Dean doesn't like the overrated side of Las Vegas. He seemed to be the type to enjoy walking in the woods for hours. The type to focus on places where he could watch the stars rather than rows of trendy nightclubs and bars. Castiel respected that of course. But Las Vegas was mythical place. A place that everyone wanted to see at least once in his life. Castiel was no exception. He really wanted to discover this universe and be able to say one day that he had done it.

"And San Francisco isn't?" He asked, a bit annoyed by the refusal of his companion.

Dean shook his head while looking Castiel in the eye. The young man should have been satisfied to finally have the full attention of his companion. But he was annoyed by his attitude a bit "know-it-all".

"No, not in the least. There's a history in this city. It can be read in architecture… in the streets and on the faces of people who live there for a long time. And the Golden Gate is something worth seeing once in a lifetime. It's magic."

Castiel sighed and focused on his soda. He heard Dean moving before him but didn't look up for all that. He was upset and he wanted to show it. It was probably an attitude a bit childish but since Castiel had decided to live his adolescence delayed, he felt entitled. He took a sip of his soda and then sighed deeply.

"I'd just like to stop by quickly. See the lights, the hotels… maybe play slot machines an evening. I'm not saying that I'll settle there permanently."

He patiently waited for Dean to say something. To refuse or he give in his offer by hearing the pleading tone of the young man. But, getting only the silence, he eventually looked up. He grunted one second when he noticed that his companion was no longer looking at him. He had his eyes fixed on the other side of the bar again. Castiel shook his head.

"You know, if I'm boring you, I can always go to bed." He said, irritated.

Castiel didn't really want to leave and to leave Dean alone. But he didn't like either to stay here without having his full attention. He knew it was selfish of him. He already spent all his time with the young man. They had been traveling together for a week and ate all their meals together. He couldn't demand that his companion only focuses on him continually. They were nothing more for each other than two people traveling together. Castiel didn't even think he could say they were friends. Even if he really wanted to.

"Sorry, you were saying?" Dean asked, turning his attention on the young man.

Castiel looked up at the ceiling and sighed deeply.

"I was saying that I can leave you alone if I'm boring you so much." He repeated calmly.

He had changed since he had met Dean. He sometimes didn't recognize himself. He had never been one to demand people's attention. He much preferred to blend into the crowd and let others shine in the light. He had always been one among many others. Not necessarily the most talented or the most intelligent of his siblings. Not the most interesting of his classmates. Just an ordinary boy who was easily forgotten. He'd never had anyone who was there only for him. And he knew that it wasn't his company that had motivated Dean to stay with him. But he sometimes hoped it had counted in his choice. It was probably pretentious of him. And it was a new personality traits with which he had difficulty to live. He shook his head and turned his attention to Dean.

"You seem distracted and I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed."

Dean looked down at his glass of whiskey, frowning.

"You're not boring me you know… it's just… no, forget it. You should go to bed if you're tired. We have a long ride tomorrow."

Castiel didn't like the habit that Dean had to never finish his sentences when he seemed about to say something important. Usually he let him do, eager to not do anything that could lead them to argue. But this time he was irritated. And he wanted to make clear to his companion what posed a problem to him. Perhaps an argument would have merit in the end.

"No I don't forget it. Dean, I understood that you didn't want to talk about you and I accepted it but… please… don't entirely shut down to me. If you want to tell me something, do it."

Dean looked up and seemed surprised by the insistence of the young man. But Castiel hadn't for all that the intention to drop it. He didn't really know where he got this anger but he didn't intend to ignore it. He suspected that it had something to do with how Dean consistently refused to address important topics and the growing frustration that Castiel felt as they spent time together without actually talking about what he wanted to talk. He had agreed not to ask Dean about his past. But he didn't accept that his companion also hide how he was feeling at the time. About what concerned them both.

"Castiel, I have nothing to tell you. I'm not holding back to talk to you. I'm just tired and running short of things to tell you. We're together all day… we don't have to spend all our evenings together. You could maybe find someone… spend the night with a man and let me pass time as I see fit."

For someone who claimed to have nothing to say, Dean seemed to still have much to reproach him. He wanted free time. Castiel nodded, receiving the criticism as an accusation. He hadn't been mistaken. Dean had enough of him tonight. And he had no reason to insist. He might antagonize his companion and see him end their arrangement. The young man didn't want to wake up tomorrow and find Dean's room empty. He sighed deeply and stood up from his chair.

"Perfect, I'll leave you alone." He said before walking away without waiting a second longer.

While crossing the bar, he cast a glance to the customer that Dean had seemed to be watching when he was talking to him earlier. He was a little older than them, probably between thirty and thirty-five. He was attractive though somewhat too rough to his liking. He didn't seem tall but he was muscular. Her long brown hair was tied in a ponytail in his neck. He was wearing a plaid shirt that was cliché in Texas and an old jeans patched in knees and thighs. He kept looking at Dean with interest. Castiel looked away, flustered. He left the bar quickly and then took a deep breath to fill his lungs with oxygen.

He was mad at Dean. And he knew he didn't really have the right to. The young man had every right to want a little time for him. They hadn't promised anything to each other when they had decided to travel together. They didn't have to spend their whole time together. But Castiel didn't know what to do without Dean at his side. He had no idea how it was appropriate to spend the evening alone in such a place. He didn't like nightclubs and refused to stay in his room watching the cracked ceiling for hours. He needed advices from his companion to occupy himself. And it was certainly the most pathetic thing that he had been given to experience. He was totally lost on his own. He sighed deeply.

He realized now how his trip would have quickly become boring if he hadn't picked Dean up. That terrified him. For the young man would eventually get tired of spending his days with him and he would be alone. What would he do of his time when this would be the case? Could he find something to keep himself busy when he would stop driving?

Castiel kicked a stone in front of his foot as he thought of the stupid way he had ruined the evening. He had been immature and self-centered. That definitely wasn't like him. He winced, heading toward the motel. He refused to enter a new bar and didn't want to hang around aimlessly in the streets of the city. There was only one solution left. Go back to the motel and attempt to sleep. But it was early and Castiel still wasn't tired. He could walk into a store and buy alcohol. He had never been drunk and he assumed that the time was maybe well chosen to try it. However, he found the idea of drinking and getting hammered for the first time alone a little depressing. No, he would wait to do it with Dean. He watched the landscape around him. They were in Texas and getting away from the road implied to take the risk of being confronted with wild animals. He didn't really want to be bitten or attacked. He walked several seconds toward the motel without actually intending to return to it. He quickly got lost in thought, constantly thinking back to his almost argument with Dean and noticed that he was lost when he finally actually paid attention to his environment. He was still on the roadside but he recognized nothing. He stopped suddenly and frowned. Okay. He had no idea where he was. And he certainly wasn't going to panic now. He had his phone and he could always call Dean if indeed he didn't find his way. But he refused to do so for now. He had his dignity after all.

Castiel turned round and round and watched the shops that surrounded him. He remembered having taken on the right out of the bar. But now that he thought about it, he wondered if he shouldn't have turned left. He had been wrong to blindly follow Dean when leaving the motel. Now he wasn't even sure which direction to take. He sighed deeply, annoyed by his own stupidity and then decided to retrace his steps. He maybe had walked past the motel without noticing. He walked a while, looking for something that would be vaguely familiar. But after long minutes of wandering aimlessly, he had to face the facts. He was lost for good. He pulled his phone from his pocket and immediately dialed Dean's number. Never mind that his companion mocks him. He didn't want to spend the evening walking the streets of a city he didn't know. He wasn't necessarily one to be fearful of everything but he knew the dangers of being alone in the streets at this late hour. There were no street lights and he could easily be assaulted without anyone seeing him. He pressed the phone against his ear and looked around him. There was no one other than himself and the parking lots of the shops were completely empty. He was starting to be scared. When he arrived on Dean's answerphone, he swore under his breath and hesitated to hang up. But he preferred to leave a message. If he was to never find his way, his companion would have at least a vague idea of where to start looking for him.

"Dean, it's Castiel. Sorry to call you but I think I'm lost. No… I know I am lost. You'll find that funny, but I had no idea of the path to take to get back to the motel and now I'm in the middle of nowhere and there is no one to inform me. So… I hope you get my message and you can meet me. I am between a sports clothing store and a decoration shop whose storefront is painted pink. I'd give you names but there are none and… okay, I'll probably get assaulted or attacked by a wolf or a bear… this is it... it may be the last time you hear my voice. So if we don't see each other again… I just wanted to say I'm sorry I lost my temper… and… keep it up."

With that, the young man hung up his phone and put it in his pocket. He kept walking for long minutes, looking at the storefronts around him. He was starting to have sore feet when he had the sensation of finally recognizing one. He significantly stepped up the pace and began to run when he was sure he recognized the store. He had walked past it while going to the bar with Dean. He was on the right path. He kept running, smiling as he realized he now recognized everything that surrounded him. When he finally saw the sign indicating the entrance to the motel, he wanted to shout for joy. He quickly ran in that direction and entered the parking lot. He stopped immediately when he saw the door of his room and Dean's. For his companion was standing in front of it as a few hours earlier. But he wasn't alone. The man from the bar was standing in front of him and was pressing him against the door of the room. His mouth was pressed against Dean's, his hands resting on the door on each side of his face. Castiel was tempted to intervene, to interrupt them and shout at them because he had just walked for what seemed like hours and he could have been killed on the way. But he didn't run in their direction. Instead, he stepped aside and hid behind a tree to continue to watch them. He knew he was wrong and he didn't have the right to play voyeur. But what he had right in front of his eyes completely fascinated him. Dean had now his hands clasped above his head, clamped between one of those of his companion. He wasn't struggling and was obviously responding to the kiss with enthusiasm. The man in front had closed his other hand on his jaw to move his head as he wished. There was something disturbing in the way they were behaving. Something that didn't seem natural to Castiel. He wasn't necessarily very familiar with Dean but he knew that the young man knew how to defend himself and that he was physically strong enough to repel an assailant who was smaller than him. But he was letting him gain ascendancy on their kiss without even trying to fight. He seemed to bask in this submissive attitude. Castiel should have looked away or joined his room. But it implied for him to pass before them and he didn't feel able to approach them. He was feeling a burning anger and he didn't know how to control it for now. He had no idea where it came from although he suspected it had to do with the attraction he felt for Dean. However, he refused to dwell on the subject for now. He crouched to ensure he was properly hidden and then closed his eyes. He couldn't continue to watch them. He lowered his head and tried to think of something else. He couldn't believe that his companion was gay. He would have bet he was straight. Castiel wasn't comfortable with this new information. He was accustomed to be attracted to men inaccessible but things were different if Dean was actually gay. Because it made something between him and Castiel possible. And the young man would have difficulties to live with this certainty. Because it made disappointment more difficult to bear. He sighed and opened his eyes. He was tired and he couldn't think straight. He needed to go to bed and digest this new information. Castiel looked up and frowned, noting that Dean and his companion were gone. Obviously, they had gone to the room of the young man. It was the right time for Castiel. He stood up and stepped away from the tree behind which he was hiding. He ran to the door of his room. He was going to open it when he heard a moan on his left. Castiel turned in that direction. He was willing to bet that it was Dean's voice. He doubted that the young man was in danger but he couldn't risk that. He had to verify.

Castiel walked along the motel wall and stopped at the corner. He leaned slowly to see if Dean was behind. He almost let out a cry of surprise when he saw the young man against the wall, away from prying eyes, his pants down to his ankles. Castiel stepped back and pressed his back against the wall behind him. Could it be that he had misunderstood what was happening? Could it be that Dean wasn't consenting? Castiel had to intervene. He leaned again in the corner of the wall but stopped short when he saw Dean's companion kneel to take the young man's erection in his mouth. Dean had joined his hands above his head. He was noticeably moving his hips and really seemed to enjoy what was happening. Castiel swallowed hard. He was reassured for the young man. He probably should have left. But he was totally fascinated by what he was seeing. Dean had his eyes closed and face up to the sky. He was pressing his lower lip between his teeth. He had grabbed his right wrist with his left hand and even if no one was holding them, he continued to keep his hands pressed over his head against the wall. When his companion rose to his feet, he grabbed Dean by the hips and forced him to turn around. Dean let him do without resisting then agreed to lean forward as his companion pressed between his shoulder blades with the flat of the hand. Castiel could feel his body reacting to the scene unfolding before his eyes. And that was wrong. It was disgusting and Castiel hated himself to not being able to move. But he was like paralyzed. Dean's moans reached his ears and they said a lot about the pleasure that the young man seemed to take. Behind him, his companion spat in his hand and on his fingers and then inserted one inside Dean. Castiel probably should have been disgusted. He should have looked away. But he was aroused. Dean was gorgeous when he took pleasure. Castiel could feel his heart pounding in his temples while sweat beaded on his forehead. He let his gaze wander over Dean's body while his companion inserted a second finger in him and started to move them violently. The young man had a tattoo on his right thigh. He started from his hip and down on his waist and to half of his thigh. The design was complex and abstract. Castiel looked away and saw a second tattoo on Dean's left calf. It were several Chinese letters surrounded by a multitude of complex traits which intertwined. There was something hypnotic in these designs. Castiel would have liked to know more. He let his gaze go back up the legs of the young man and felt his cheeks blush when he saw the companion of Dean withdraw his fingers to humidify his sex with the rest of his saliva. It was time to leave. But again, Castiel didn't move. He watched the stranger penetrate Dean brutally, wresting from him a cry of pleasure that pierced the prevailing silence. The man did not wait any longer to move his hips and quickly established a frantic pace.

"You love that, huh? You love when I behave violently with you!" The stranger said between moans.

Dean opened his mouth to answer, but immediately received a slap on the buttocks that dissuaded him to do so.

"I didn't say you could talk!" The stranger shouted, speeding a little the pace of his hips.

Castiel didn't like the tone of this man. But Dean wasn't complaining. Quite the opposite. He seemed to approach his orgasm quickly. The man behind him continued to swear under his breath and insult his companion. And Dean continued to moan. Castiel couldn't have told how long it lasted. But when the young man finally reached orgasm, without his partner having to touch him, he was more excited than ever and disgusted to be so. However, he kept his eyes on the stranger who continued to come and go in Dean. He slapped him again on the buttocks and then screamed as he spread inside the young man. He then paused and withdrew from him immediately. Castiel then decided to move. But at the time he stepped away from the corner of the wall, his foot stumbled against a pebble that hit the guardrail before him. Dean got up immediately and Castiel knew he had been spotted. He closed his eyes for a second. He could always run and lock himself in his room. After all, his companion hadn't seen his face yet. But he knew he had a 50% chance to get caught. He chose to indicate his presence. He didn't have to say that he had witnessed the whole scene. He could lie and say that he had just arrived. He opened his eyes and moved away from the corner to face the two men. He saw almost immediately Dean's eyes widen as he pulled up his pants on his legs.

"Castiel… what do… what are you doing here?" He asked, clearly surprised.

Castiel looked away. He didn't like the way Dean's companion was watching him.

"What I'm doing here? What are _you_ doing here?" He replied as he was still mad at the young man.

He was mad at him for not answering his phone but even more for the state of arousal in which he was. What was unfair of course. But Castiel was neither here nor there.

"Seems obvious to me what I'm doin' here, no?" Dean said, giving him a smile.

He tried to play it casual but Castiel didn't want to joke. He was still aroused and irritated. He was getting really tired and felt no need to justify himself. He shook his head.

"Yeah, well… okay, fine." He said before turning his back on the two men and taking the path of his room.

He knew immediately that Dean was following him but didn't turn. He didn't know what to say to the young man. He still had the images of what had just happened in his head. He suspected that his arousal was visible on his face. And he was afraid to say something he would eventually regret. He opened his room but left the door open. When he heard Dean enter in his turn, he didn't face him and stubbornly fixed the wall in front of him.

"Hey Cas… what's the matter?" The young man asked behind him.

Castiel took a deep breath to try to regain a semblance of calm. But it was a failure. He ran a hand over his face and chose to approach the topic of his phone call to avoid having to deal with his companion's apparent homosexuality. Because he absolutely didn't want to reveal his attraction to his companion and he wasn't able to filter what he said when he was in this state.

"The matter is that I called you… and you didn't answer and… I was lost!" He said, facing the young man.

The latter seemed surprised by what he was hearing. His hair pointed in all directions on his head, his shirt was wrinkled and his pants still open. His cheeks were red and covered with sweat. He was drop-dead gorgeous.

"Lost? You mean… physically or… emotionally?"

Castiel chuckled one second, shaking his head.

"Physically you idiot! I didn't know where I was and I called you but… you didn't answer."

He watched Dean one second and felt his anger redouble when the young man started to smile. He had no right to make fun of him. No right to laugh at what had happened to him. Not after what Castiel had seen.

"Oh, go on, laugh… I'll let you know that everything is your fault! I was upset when leaving the bar and I didn't pay attention to the path I was taking. I found myself in the middle of nowhere… alone and lost and… I could have been attacked by a bear!"

Dean seemed to have difficulty to refrain from smiling. Castiel watched his lips and swallowed hard, realizing that they were significantly swollen by the kisses exchanged with his one-night companion. They were even fuller than usual.

"I doubt that there are bears in Texas Cas." Dean claimed.

Castiel wished he could laugh about his experience. He wished he could joke about it with the young man. But he was too irritated to be detached about what he had just experienced. And all his anger was directed against his companion.

"Yeah well by a wolf then… or a coyote! Or damn… by this guy with a chainsaw who wears a mask made of human skin. That well takes place in Texas!"

He knew he was unreasonable and particularly excessive. But he didn't like that Dean could underestimate what he had just experienced. He needed to hear him apologize. To hear him say that he came before his one-night stand. Which was selfish and unfair. But Castiel was lost.

"Chainsaw Massacre? Yeah, that indeed takes place in Texas but… it's a movie." Dean replied gently.

Castiel shrugged.

"Yeah well… that doesn't change anything because… you didn't answer your phone and I had to walk… I'm footsore… I'm tired and you just… you're gay?!"

This wasn't what he had meant to say and that was exactly the topic he wanted to avoid at all costs. But he hadn't been able to help it. It was the first personal information he obtained from Dean. And he was furious for having learned it this way. He would have liked his companion to be honest with him. Especially after he himself had confessed his own homosexuality. He couldn't doubt that he would react well.

"Technically, I'm bisexual." Dean clarified, crossing his arms over his chest.

Castiel looked up at the ceiling, annoyed by the casual attitude of the young man.

"Did you see how we was talking to you? Did you hear what he was saying?"

He cursed his brain of failing to filter his words like he usually did. He was saying more than he had planned to say. He didn't wish to have the details of the sexual life of the young man. But he definitely wasn't in his normal state and this tended to aggravate his chronic inability to keep quiet.

"I was there Cas so yes… I heard but… I was the one who asked him to talk to me and treat me like that. When I sleep with a man, I like him to dominate me… to rough me up… to talk dirty to me. I like having the sensation of being controlled by my partner. That's how I get my rocks off." Explained Dean, visibly very comfortable with this topic of conversation.

Castiel felt his cheeks blaze at this revelation. He didn't want to hear the details. He would already have trouble getting rid of the images that were engraved in his mind. He refused to hear more. But this revelation completely changed the way he saw his companion. Dean liked to be dominated in bed. Castiel had never experienced anything like. He didn't have much experience in this field and he had always stuck to the basics. Obviously, the young man had explored areas to which he had never even thought. And he was surprised. Extremely surprised. Because he saw Dean as someone confident and strong. Someone independent. He didn't understand what pleasure he could take by being controlled that way.

"Oh…" He just stupidly said. "Oh…"

He was probably not the most eloquent person in the world but even for him, this intervention was really ridiculous. He mentally slapped himself because he was unable to discuss such things like an adult. Then he remembered he was mad at Dean and he snarled, annoyed. Dean seemed to sense his annoyance.

"Cas listen… I'm ready to apologize but… you gotta tell me exactly for what. Is it because I didn't answer my phone or… because I didn't tell you I also liked men… because you were scared, cause you're tired?! Man, help me on that one."

Castiel sighed deeply, then began pacing the room. He couldn't bear to sit still and he could no longer look at Dean.

"It's a bit for all this at the same time and also because… Dean, we agreed to travel together and I do not intend to go back on that because I'm happy to be with you but… you're unpredictable and I don't know where I stand with you. I don't know what you feel and what you think and that's terribly frustrating. I know we agreed not to talk about too personal things but you have to talk to me… to give me some informations… to… you can't leave me in the dark on everything. That's not how I want to learn important things! If you had told me this guy appealed to you, I would have calmly left the bar and… I wouldn't have gotten lost."

They were back on a little less dangerous territory and Castiel was pleased to have been able to explain what was weighing on him in a clear and precise manner. The ball was in Dean's court now. He could seize it or ignore it.

"Now, you know I'm bisexual and I like to be dominated in bed. I guess that's the kind of info that fit in the personal informations category?" Dean declared, clearly amused.

Castiel then stopped and faced the young man. He hadn't moved and still hadn't buttoned up his jeans. Castiel probably shouldn't have noticed nor continued to look insistently at it. He was incorrigible.

"I guess so." He conceded.

He had learned more on Dean tonight that during the week where they had traveled together. It was undoubtedly a good thing. But it didn't actually erase his anger. Or the discomfort he was feeling, thinking back to what he had seen behind the motel.

"What Cas? What is it?" Asked Dean, who seemed to understand that things were not yet fully sorted out between them.

Castiel knew his emotions were quite easily visible on his face. He was surprised that Dean hadn't yet guessed that he was still aroused by what he had seen. He swallowed hard while images of the lovemaking of his companion came back to his mind with strength.

"It's just that I… the picture of you and this guy is printed on my memory." He reluctantly admitted.

"And that disgusts you?" Dean asked immediately.

Castiel then lowered his eyes and resumed his pacing. He couldn't admit that he was aroused by what he had seen. But he didn't want to give the impression to his companion that he was shocked by his preferences. He didn't wish to see Dean withdraw into himself. Not now that he had agreed to open himself a minimum.

"I never said that!" He finally protested.

He should have dropped the subject or changed it to go back to a less slippery ground. But he was tired and still shaken by all the conflicting emotions he was feeling.

"No, you didn't say that… you didn't because it turns you on, right?" Dean said, making him stop again.

Castiel should have denied right away. But he knew he would never be able to manage to be persuasive. However, he refused to look at Dean.

"So what? You wish you'd been in his place? You wanna give it a go? Go on! Tie me up! Press me against the wall! Make me spread my thighs for you Cas! You want to fuck me? I'm at your disposal!"

Castiel was completely perturbed by what he was hearing. Dean seemed to have no self-esteem. That didn't fit in with the character. Castiel had obviously completely been mistaken about him. He had a poor self-image. It was totally disconcerting. How was it possible when the young man seemed so strong and confident?

"Do your hear yourself? You're disgusting!" Castiel flung, furious.

He was because he did not like what he was hearing but also because his companion had got it right. He wouldn't have said no to such an experience with Dean. He was attracted to him. But it was now inconceivable for him to give in to his advances. Because it would mean exploit his vulnerability and reinforce his lack of esteem. Castiel refused to be this man.

"But you want to!" Dean insisted.

Castiel then shook his head and turned his attention to the young man.

"No Dean… I want to be your friend but… friends talk to each others… they confide such things to each others and above all they… they answer their phone!"

Dean finally looked down and watched his feet one second. He then seemed to realize that he hadn't done his jeans up and he hastened to do so. When he looked up, he had regained a semblance of calm.

"Okay, I'm sorry… next time you're about to get attacked by a bear, I swear I'll answer my phone." He offered.

It was said jokingly but Castiel knew exactly what Dean wanted to get him to understand with his words. He was offering to make peace. To scrap what had happened. Castiel wanted nothing more. He absolutely didn't want to talk about what he had witnessed again. He finally nodded.

"Don't make fun of me… because I now have enough material to make fun of you too!" He joked in his turn.

Dean shrugged.

"I'm fully comfortable with my choices and preferences. I never got my rocks off so much than the day I let a man spank me. I came without him needing to do anything else and…"

"Okay, okay, too much information." Castiel cut him off, waving his hand in front of him.

Before him, Dean burst into laughter.

"See, I can make you uncomfortable even if you know all that about me."

"You win." Castiel granted, looking away.

Dean nodded, then thrust his hands into his jeans pockets. They had said all they had to and it was time for them to part for the night. Castiel was pleased that they had managed to get some things clear even if he was still troubled by what he had seen behind the motel.

"I should take a shower." Dean suggested.

Castiel assented.

"You have his smell on you and… his perfume is horrible." He confessed, smiling again.

Dean seemed to share his opinion. He readjusted his shirt and turned around. When he arrived at the door, he faced again Castiel, one hand on the handle.

"We're good you and me, right?" He asked, clearly worried.

Castiel nodded immediately. He knew he would have trouble to forget what he had seen tonight. But he could only blame himself for it. He shouldn't have stayed and watched. He should have left when he could. He was responsible for his condition. And he didn't want to argue with Dean anymore. He wanted things to go well between them.

"Of course we are."

Dean then gave him a broad smile and opened the door, leaving after wishing good night to his companion. Castiel watched him go without moving, his heart pounding wildly in his chest. He remained motionless for long seconds before taking the direction of the bathroom. He needed a good shower. And he also needed to sleep and wipe the images of Dean and the man from his mind. He was still aroused and he hated himself for that. But he was sure that things would be clearer when he would have had a good night's sleep. Meanwhile, he refused to give in to his urges and masturbate in the shower. He much preferred to deny everything that posed problem to him. He wouldn't get perturbed. He still had many things to discover and he wanted to do that in Dean's company. And nothing else mattered.

 


	4. Brotherly Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Here is the fourth chapter of this story. It contains the introduction of the character of Gabriel and a new sexual scene.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> Thank you to continue to read me.
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> X&Y by Coldpay
> 
> Warnings: brief sexual scene, mention of homophobia

" _A brother is a friend given by nature_ "

Gabriel Legouvé

 

A week after his quarrel with Dean, Castiel had still not gotten rid of the images of his friend and the stranger from the bar making love behind their motel. He had dreamed of it many times and had immediately felt guilty. But he had then systematically given in to the demands and wants of his body and had masturbated in the bathroom. And he hated himself for that.

Being with Dean all day long certainly didn't facilitate the task. The young man was a permanent temptation. He spent his time putting things in his perfect mouth, whether it be the cap of a pen, a piece of candy or even one of his fingers, and he too often let slip the bottle neck along his full lips. He also stretched constantly, making his shirt ride up and revealing his muscular belly and the beginning of an intriguing tattoo that started from his hip bone and down along his thigh. The tattoo that obsessed Castiel since he had seen it in its entirety when Dean had made love with the man from the bar. It was a constant distraction that kindled an incredible desire in Castiel. He had started to notice dozens of other things with his companion. His freckles. The way his Adam's apple moved under his skin when he was swallowing. The delicacy of his wrists. The jeans always too tight that he wore and accentuated the perfect outline of his buttocks. The way he bit his lower lip when he was thoughtful. Castiel had taken note of all these little things and he couldn't stop thinking about it.

It had become a real torture for the young man. His mind was constantly invaded by images of Dean in unimaginable positions, asking Castiel to take him here and now and especially not to hold back. And the young man then felt the need to release the pressure immediately and masturbate to not go crazy. He didn't know how long he could resist without saying something compromising. He was afraid to end up revealing his morbid attraction to his companion and to ruin everything between them.

They had finally made a detour to Las Vegas and Dean had refused to leave his hotel room while Castiel had spent the evening enjoying the scenery and watching people playing in casinos. They had then reached San Francisco and Dean had seen to show the city around to his companion. It was splendid. But even more than the scenery and the atmosphere, it was the effect it had on Dean that had left Castiel completely breathless. The young man looked incredibly happy and free in this city. His eyes shone brightly and his face had lit up beautifully when they had finally joined the Golden Gate. When they had decided to leave, Castiel began to fear that his attraction to Dean hides something more serious. That his feelings for the young man are deeper than he liked to think. He couldn't have fallen in love with him. He didn't know him. It was irrational and it was stupid. But the more Castiel looked at the young man sitting behind the wheel and singing over the radio, the more he realized that his heart had no intention of listening to his brain on this point. He was well and truly falling in love with his companion. And this couldn't last.

Because despite his attraction to Dean and the strength of what he was beginning to feel for him, he didn't ignore all that was weird about him. He kept hiding his face when they were in too crowded places. He was constantly looking over his shoulder and chose the least frequented bars and restaurants. He kept his hood and sunglasses even when one and the other were unnecessary. He was strange and always on guard. Castiel should have been scared of him. He couldn't be so.

They were on the road to see the Grand Canyon and enjoy the pleasant weather to try to go down inside and enjoy the view from below when Dean announced that he wanted to go out alone tonight. Castiel knew what it meant. His companion was going to get someone to spend the night with. He would find someone who would make love to him or to whom he would make love. And Castiel was jealous. He couldn't deny it. He wanted to ask Dean why he wasn't enough. Why he didn't ask him to fill his desires. He would have accepted in the minute if that had been the case. But Dean hadn't made any such proposal since his quarrel with Castiel.

The young man hesitated to ask him if he would choose to go with a man or woman tonight. He needed to know if he felt the need again to be dominated like with the stranger from the bar or if he planned to take the reins tonight. But he said nothing and only nodded instead. Dean had the right to go out and find someone to spend the night with. Castiel should probably have done the same. So he swallowed his jealousy and frustration and let his companion choose the motel where they would spend the night. Alone for Castiel. Probably accompanied for Dean. Unless he chose to sleep with the man or woman he would bring back outside the motel like last time. Where everyone could see them. Where Castiel could come upon them.

The young man was relieved to find that their rooms weren't side by side. He wasn't likely to hear anything compromising. He could ignore what Dean was doing overnight and try to keep a semblance of control over his emotions.

He threw his bag on his bed and dashed to take a shower. He was fidgety and knew the night promised to be complicated. He hoped to sleep a minimum because the road was still long and he needed to regain his strength. But his mind was constantly taking him back to what Dean was probably doing. And it drove him completely mad.

He lay down on his bed when out of the shower and turned on the old TV with the remote control. He channel-hoped for a few minutes, unable to focus on anything other than his companion. He tried to watch a talk show for a moment before giving up and choosing instead an old movie in black and white that he remembered having already seen.

He then threw the remote on the bedside table and clasped his hands under his head and stared at the TV. He knew right now Dean had already gone out. He was probably heading for the nearest bar. He had perhaps already arrived. Castiel didn't doubt that it wouldn't take long for him to find someone interested. He was extremely attractive and he caught people's attention.

Castiel probably should have gone out in his turn and find a bar to pass the time. He should have sought a man for the night. He should have tried to forget Dean just a few hours. But the young man was definitely not comfortable with this idea. He didn't want to sleep with a man just to release his frustration. It would not be fair to the person in question. He didn't want to use someone while thinking about someone else. He couldn't do that.

Castiel abandoned the idea of watching the movie that was on TV and looked up to the ceiling. Like every time that his mind wasn't busy with other things, he automatically thought of Dean. He closed his eyes, annoyed that he had no control over his thoughts and let images of the young man abound behind his closed eyelids. He viewed the perfect drawing of his lips, the freckles on his cheeks and nose, the span of his shoulders and the muscle structure of his buttocks. The young man licked his lips as his body began to tense significantly. He thought about how his companion had let himself being penetrated without resistance despite the obvious lack of preparation. He imagined what the stranger from the bar might have felt in being intimately joined to Dean. He guessed that the sensation had to be extraordinary. He would have given anything to know what it was like. But he would probably never know. He had no illusions on this point. Fantasize on the other hand was allowed and he didn't intend to deprive himself of that for the moment. He would certainly feel guilty as soon as he would finish. But he didn't care. He needed it. He slipped a hand under the waistband of his pajama pants and grabbed his sex delicately. He tried to imagine Dean over him, his mouth approaching him with determination. He began moving back and forth along his sex as he now imagined the mouth of his companion closed around him, his tongue slowly sliding down his erected member and wresting moans from him. Castiel could already feel his orgasm rear its head, contracting the muscles of his belly and thighs. He began to shake his hips while in his fantasies, Dean continued going back-and-forth with his tongue along his sex. He let out a cry when he finally came, spreading himself on his fingers and his stomach. He fell back on the bed with a long sigh and wiped his fingers on the tissues that were on the nightstand.

He always hated himself when he had finished and the effects of his orgasm diminished. But he began again and again, unable to do without. It was a vicious circle and he had no idea of how he should go about to get himself out of it. He would have to hope that with time, his obsessive attraction to the young man would markedly lessen and that he could finally resume a normal life.

Castiel opened his eyes and looked around. He straightened up and then stood up and walked to the window. He watched the empty parking lot for long seconds and tried to persuade himself that he wasn't there in the hope of catching sight of Dean. He pressed his forehead against the glass and waited patiently. When he was tired of waiting for nothing, he turned his back to the window and watched his room. It was depressing and ordinary like all those he had dwelt in since the beginning of his journey. The walls were gray and the floor covered with carpeting. The furniture was of very poor quality and the mattress hard and old. Castiel hated these places. He missed his bedroom. He missed his books. But he didn't intend to return to his parents for all that. He certainly didn't want to abandon his new freedom for the comfort of his bed. He was happy on the road. He was happy with Dean. He wanted to enjoy that.

Castiel simply needed to take his mind off things. He went to the small desk located in a corner of the room and grabbed his cell phone. He reached into his contact list and stopped on the name of Gabriel. Castiel couldn't return to his family but he knew he could count on his big brother to not feel so alone.

Castiel sat on his bed, waiting for Gabriel to respond. He knew that his phone call was going to surprise his brother. But he also knew that he wouldn't hang up on him either. He needed to talk to him and Gabriel would feel it immediately. They had been close in a time of their lives. They could be again.

Castiel was beginning to lose patience when his brother finally picked his phone up.

"Hey Cassie!" Gabriel said by way of greeting.

Castiel couldn't help but smile when he heard his nickname in his brother's mouth. He hadn't realized how much he had missed Gabriel until now. He forgot all his other problems and concentrated on the voice of his older.

"What's up bro?" Asked Gabriel whose voice was cheerful and enthusiastic.

Castiel shrugged and looked at his surroundings. He didn't know where to start. He knew that Gabriel would never judge him on his departure from home or even on his homosexuality. But he hadn't talked with his brother for a long time now and he had lost the habit of discussing with him.

"So many things that I wouldn't know where to start." He finally explained.

He heard Gabriel laugh at the other end of the line and for a second, Castiel wondered what his brother was doing when he'd called. He knew nothing of the life that Gabriel had now. His brother had told him briefly about his work, but Castiel didn't know if he had met someone, if he had friends or if he was alone. There was so much he wanted to ask his brother. He would have time when he would have arrived at Chicago. But for now, he still didn't feel ready to settle somewhere. He liked traveling and spending time with Dean. He immediately got the young man out of his head and took a deep breath.

"I left Gabe… I left home." He then confessed.

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I dropped my studies and I went around the United States by car." He added.

Gabriel said nothing for several seconds and Castiel wondered if he hadn't said too much. He couldn't have shocked his brother. Not after he himself had left everything a few years earlier to start a new life in Chicago. His silence, however, made Castiel uncomfortable because he didn't know what to think.

"You did what?" Gabriel finally asked in a voice that Castiel didn't recognize him.

He seemed really surprised. Castiel could understand. When his brother had left, he hadn't been kind to him and had taken the side of his parents. He sincerely hoped that Gabriel wasn't mad at him for not having supported him.

"I left everything Gabe." Castiel answered, annoyed to have to repeat himself.

He would have liked his brother to immediately support him and encourages him to live his life. If Gabriel didn't do it, no one would in his family. He was his only chance to have a place to stay. His only chance of not being totally alone.

"Fuck Cassie… you're crazy! You're completely crazy!" Gabriel cried out after another long silence.

Castiel frowned, surprised by the reaction of his brother. He had expected anything but that. He ran a hand over his face then in his hair and cast a glance at the window over his shoulder. Dean was probably back at this hour. He was probably accompanied.

"I did the same thing as you a few years ago. I expected a different reaction from you." He admitted, turning his attention on the wall in front of him.

Castiel was totally lost. He didn't know what else to say to his brother. He hadn't planned this conversation. He hadn't thought he would have to convince Gabriel. He had only expected support and encouragements.

"It's totally different Cassie… Mom and dad absolutely didn't care about me. They would have me boot me out one day or another, and I preferred to take things in hand so this decision becomes mine and not theirs. It was easier to live."

Castiel knew their parents had been considering throwing Gabriel out for a long time. He was disobedient, disrespectful and refused to follow the path that had been traced for him. They would have eventually disinherit him. Gabriel had been right to leave and to avoid this humiliation.

"You on the other hand… you're the prodigal son… the one who was to meet the expectations of our parents. You could have it all… and you threw everything away on a whim."

Castiel couldn't help but snicker. He had always done everything to satisfy his parents. In appearance, he was actually the perfect son. The one you had every reason to be proud of. But his parents knew nothing of the real him. Nobody knew anything about him.

"If they knew the real me, believe me, they would have kicked me out before you… and they would have been pleased to say it!" He commented, shaking his head.

He waited a second to give Gabriel a chance to say something or even to apologize but at his silence, he chose to give him details.

"I'm gay, Gabe." He calmly declared.

It was the first time he said this openly to someone other than Dean. It was incredibly liberating for him. He felt a weight on his shoulders disappear. He smiled weakly then rose from the bed and went back to the window. The parking lot was still empty.

"You what?" Asked his brother after a few seconds.

He really seemed to have difficulty understanding what Castiel was telling him. The young man was still annoyed to have to repeat himself but he chose not to say anything about it. He didn't want to quarrel with Gabriel. He was seeking his support.

"I am homosexual… I like men." He clarified.

He knew what his family thought of homosexuals but he had never broached the subject with his brother. He had always thought that Gabriel was someone open minded and tolerant. He hoped now that he hadn't been wrong about him. He prayed that his older doesn't mind that his little brother was gay.

"Oh okay, you're right… they would have kicked ya out with no hesitation if they had known. You gonna tell them?" Gabriel finally said.

Castiel shrugged before turning back on the window. He didn't really know why he was continuing to survey the parking lot. He had no chance to spot Dean. The young man was most likely already busy with someone else. He was maybe even tied to a bed and roughed up by a man about to make love to him. Castiel wiped the idea from his mind to avoid being too aroused when he was having an important conversation with his brother.

"I don't know… I don't see what that would change. They already wrote me off and… I… I don't know." He admitted.

Castiel had never considered having this conversation with his parents. He didn't intend to return home either. He would live his life as he saw fit. No matter what his parents really knew of him. They were cursing him for dropping his studies. He was already classified as "persona non grata" at home. That wouldn't change anything.

"You might want to be honest with them… not to hide anymore." Gabriel claimed hesitantly.

Castiel shrugged and slid down the wall against which he was leaning until he was sitting on the floor. He then bowed his head, pulling his knees against his body.

"What are you gonna do now Cassie? Ya told me you were traveling but… I guess you're not gonna do that all your life." Said Gabriel who seemed to have realized that his brother preferred to change the subject.

It was now or never for Castiel to explain to Gabriel the reason for his call. He needed him. Needed his support of course, but also and especially to be able to join him at Chicago for some times. He swallowed hard, looking at the floor.

"I thought maybe come to Chicago. I thought I could come to see you."

Castiel closed his eyes, waiting for the reaction of his brother. He was scared stiff at the thought of being rejected by Gabriel. He didn't know what he would do if he didn't get his consent. He couldn't imagine spending his life on the road as Dean seemed to want to do. He needed a pied-à-terre. A place that would be home.

"You wanna know if you can stay at my place?" Gabriel asked, visibly surprised.

He wasn't getting angry and that was a good point for young man. He could have refused immediately and hang up on him. Maybe he was wrong to be so terrified by his reaction.

"Not for long… just… just the time to find what I want to do… to find a place where I could live." He claimed.

He opened his eyes and looked at the wall facing him. He was conscious of gambling a part of his future on the conversation. He could feel his heart pounding in his temples.

"Cassie, you know that you can come whenever you want and... you can stay as long as you like. You don't even have to ask."

Castiel sighed in relief. He had got what he had hoped from his brother. Now he was certain he would never be alone. That he had made the right choice and that he had been right to trust Gabriel. But he couldn't help but wonder what his brother really thought of his choices. He hadn't told him whether he approved or not his departure… or if he had a problem with his homosexuality. Castiel needed to know.

"Cassie, something's wrong?" Gabriel then asked, visibly worried before the prolonged silence of his brother.

Castiel hesitated for a second before asking the question he was dying to ask. The answer would be decisive for him and for his relationship with Gabriel. He cleared his throat before starting.

"Thank you Gabe… thank you but… you didn't tell me if… you didn't tell me what you thought of me being gay. You're not disgusted?"

He crossed his fingers with his free hand hard enough for his joints to become painful. He wanted to trust his brother, but he couldn't help but doubt. He had all too often heard his parents speak of homosexuality as a serious and deplorable sin. He had come to believe that his entire family thought the same thing.

"Of course no Cassie. You don't disgust me. Quite the contrary. I am proud of you and I find you extremely brave. No matter that you're gay… you're my little brother and I love you exactly as you are. You should know that I've never shared the opinions of our parents. They are intolerant and stupid and I hate them to have made you doubt of yourself."

It was exactly what Castiel needed to hear. The words were sincere and the young man knew that Gabriel wasn't only seeking to reassure him. He really didn't care about his choices and preferences. He accepted him the way he was. It was such a relief that Castiel felt he was beginning to tear-up. He smiled as his vision blurred significantly.

"Thank you." He whispered as he needed to explain to his brother that he was grateful for all.

"Don't thank me… it's no big deal. Let's talk about less sad things okay? Look, tell me what you've seen during your trip… or what you plan to see before you join me at Chicago."

Castiel nodded even though his brother couldn't see him. He took a few seconds to swallow down the tears that were still coming to his eyes and wiped his wet cheeks with the back of the hand. He then took a deep breath and stood up. He turned back to the window and watched the parking lot outside.

"We crossed Georgia and Texas. We stopped in Las Vegas and San Francisco. This city is beautiful. You really should visit it. And tomorrow, we should take the road to the Grand Canyon if the weather allows it." Castiel explained, keeping his eyes fixed on the empty parking lot.

Castiel really wanted to see the Grand Canyon. Dean spoke of it as the most amazing thing that he had been given to see. He wanted to form his own opinion. And going down the canyon accompanied by the young man made things even more exciting.

"We?" Gabriel said at the other end, pulling him out of his daydreams. "Who's "we"?"

Castiel frowned one second without understanding what his brother was asking. He then realized that he had included Dean without thinking when describing what he had done until now. He hadn't really meant to. He just hadn't been able to help himself.

"Dean and I." He explained without waiting because he refused to lie to Gabriel.

"Oh, I thought you were traveling alone. Dean's your boyfriend?"

Castiel immediately shook his head, pressing his face against the window that separated him from the outside. Gabriel couldn't be more far from the truth than that. Because Dean was having sex with someone at this very moment and it was inconceivable that he becomes one day more that Castiel's friend.

"Not at all, he's… he's just a hitchhiker that I picked up in Florida. He's been traveling for some time now and we decided to spend a bit of time together."

"And he's not gay?"

Castiel closed his eyes for a second.

"He's bisexual actually."

"But you don't sleep together."

Gabriel had always been curious by nature. It was a trait they had in common. Castiel wasn't embarrassed by the question of his brother. Nor by the nature of his relationship with Dean. They were traveling companions and friends in a certain way. There was nothing more. At least nothing concrete. In the young man's head, however, Dean had a completely different importance. And in his fantasies, his companion had an essential role. But he had no intention of telling his brother.

"We don't sleep together. We're friends, that's all." He assured.

He wasn't really sure he could define Dean as his "friend" in the strict sense. He knew nothing of him and they never evoked his past or his family. But he liked to think they were a little more than two people traveling side by side because it was easier. He wanted to believe that Dean stayed because he enjoyed his company. Maybe he was imagining things. But it was more pleasant than to imagine that the young man chose to stay only for not having to look for someone else.

"Is he nice, at least?" Gabriel asked after long seconds of silence.

Castiel sighed, moving his face back of the glass. He seemed to glimpse something in a corner of the parking lot. He narrowed his eyes to try to see what it was.

"He is… He's so different from me Gabe. He is carefree and funny and… He lives from hand to mouth without worrying about the consequences. He's free… He doesn't want any attachments. It's… sometimes it's a little unsettling for me."

"Unsettling?"

Castiel watched two figures significantly coming up to the motel. He still couldn't see their faces or even if they were men or women. But he had a strange sensation in the pit of the stomach and an unpleasant feeling.

"He's very secretive… He never really talks about himself." He continued to give his brother a true picture of his traveling companion. "Sometimes I get the impression he's hiding something from me and that he's maybe on the run. Except I don't know what he may seek to flee."

"Does he scare you?"

It was a good question. Castiel didn't know how to answer it. He wasn't afraid that Dean may hurt him. He knew that his companion would have already acted out if it was his goal. But he couldn't wipe the idea that there was something he refused to talk about. Something grave and serious. Something that pushed him to hide his face when they were surrounded and that led him to choose the least crowded places when they stopped to eat. He wasn't afraid of Dean but afraid of what he didn't tell him.

"I know he means no harm to me. But I don't know what to think of his attitude and sometimes… he destabilizes me. I don't usually interact with people like him."

It was the whole truth. Castiel had never really had any friends and had never met anyone as mysterious as Dean. At the back of the parking lot, the two figures seemed determined to approach the motel. The young man followed them with his eyes and felt a shiver go up his spine when he recognized Dean. He was accompanied. By a man. When Castiel realized what that meant about the night activities of his companion, he felt his body react. He was incorrigible.

"I certainly don't wanna be like dad and give you the impression that I know better than you what ya should do but… be careful with him Cassie. I don't want to find you in a ditch with an ax in your back." Gabriel claimed.

Castiel knew that Dean wasn't a killer. He was at least sure of that. His life wasn't in danger with him. His heart, however… it was another matter. The young man watched his companion attract his one-night stand to his room. They kissed several times on the way. Dean was even pressed for a few seconds against the hood of a car, bent over as the man behind him was shamelessly rubbing against his ass. Castiel wondered one second if they were going to take action right before his eyes. But Dean eventually straightened up and grabbed his companion by the hand to attract him further. When they were finally out of his field of vision, Castiel turned his back to the window and walked to his bed. He collapsed on it and closed his eyes.

"I trust him." He assured.

He wasn't really sure of what Gabriel had told him or if he had asked him any question. But he felt the need to defend Dean. Although at this very moment, he hated the young man. He hated him for having forced him to witness once again his lovemaking with another man. To see what he would never have.

"I don't know how to explain it to you because I have no idea what drives me to believe in him without knowing him… but I know he won't hurt me. I know he's not dangerous. He is… he is everything I'm not Gabe. He saw so many things and have been experimenting and… it's a bit as if he had everything to teach me. He is so okay with what he does… with what he chooses. He's not ashamed. Not even of his likings…"

Castiel paused before saying too much. He certainly didn't want to mention what he had seen to his brother.

"His likings? Cassie, what likings?"

Gabriel had always loved to discuss about the gossips he heard here and there. He had a sixth sense when it came to feel whether or not people were hiding something. And he seemed to have guessed that Castiel hadn't told him everything. The young man could attempt to elude his questions, he knew that his brother wouldn't give up. He was like a dog with a bone. He would eventually get what he wanted.

"I caught him with a man a few days ago… behind the motel where we slept and he… Let's just say he likes to be submissive when he sleeps with a man… he likes being dominated and roughed up and it's strange because he is strong and independent and… that doesn't fit in with the character, that's all."

It wasn't all of course. But Castiel refused to talk about the effect that Dean's attitude had had on him. About the fact that he kept thinking about it constantly and he had masturbated several times while seeing the images in his head. It wasn't a conversation he wanted to have with his brother. To tell the truth, it wasn't a conversation he wanted to have period. Except maybe with a psychologist. Because he knew that his reaction wasn't normal.

"You're attracted by him?" Gabriel eventually asked.

Castiel put his free hand over his eyes to shield from light that was above him. He didn't know how his brother could read this easily in him without him having to say anything.

"He is attractive." He answered.

He couldn't lie on this. Dean was a gorgeous man. There was no doubt on this point. Castiel had caught several women and several men watching with want and desire. He was one of them. He couldn't deny that he was curious to know what the young man could look like naked. He was dying to know. But he would never act in this way. That was not what Dean wanted and Castiel wasn't sure to be ready for anything like that. He preferred contenting himself with the fantasies that populated his brain for several days. They were harmless.

"You're in love with him?"

Castiel hadn't expected such a question. And he had no answer to give to his brother. Because he refused to reflect on this for a while now. He felt something for Dean. Something more than physical attraction. He didn't know if he was in love with him or if he was just disturbed by what he had seen. He knew that the young man made him laugh and he loved to see him smile. He found him interesting, fascinating even, and intelligent. He loved spending time with him. But he couldn't tell if it was love or just friendship. He had no experience in the matter and he didn't know how to recognize signs. That greatly facilitated the task to him. He didn't have to wonder since he couldn't provide answers. But now that his brother had taken care of it for him, he had to admit that there were tell-tale signs. He was totally lost.

"I don't know Gabe… in all honesty, I have no idea. And it doesn't matter because Dean doesn't want any attachment… he doesn't want to settle down, or to commit himself to any relationship."

"But you love him."

This time, it wasn't a question but a statement. Castiel accepted it without trying to refute it. Gabriel was probably better qualified than him to know.

"Don't go on this way brother… you'd end up suffering." His brother advised him after a few seconds.

Castiel knew he was right. He knew that it wasn't reasonable to consider anything like that with Dean. He wasn't even sure of actually wanting it. He just wanted to enjoy a few months of freedom which he benefited to make new experiences and discover the US. He didn't need additional complications or feelings holding him back when he would need to move forward. He would eventually separate from Dean to join Gabriel and he didn't want to suffer from it. He wanted this trip to remain a good experience that he would remember all his life. For this, he had to scrap what he could feel for his companion and concentrate on what awaited them on the road.

"Promised… and thank you. I'm going to leave you."

Gabriel didn't protest and didn't insist either. He seemed to know what his brother needed and Castiel was reassured to feel his support. He wasn't alone and it was exactly what he had hoped when calling his brother.

"Have fun Cassie and call me to let me know your plans."

Castiel promised then they exchanged "good nights" before hanging up. Castiel then put his phone on the bedside table and turned on his side to face the door of his room. He didn't want to think about Dean and what he was probably doing a few meters away. He wouldn't let his body again have the upper hand over his good resolutions. But the conversation he had had with Gabriel had brought back his doubts and questionings. He didn't know what was appropriate to do next. He really enjoyed Dean's company. He liked that his companion shares with him his experiences and drags him where he knew there were things to see. He liked the companionship that had grown up between them. But he couldn't deny that the constant presence of the young man beside him was torture. He ended the days exhausted both physically and mentally. He gave in to his impulses systematically and he ended up hating himself for being so weak. He would have liked everything to be simpler for him. That wasn't how he had planned this trip. But despite all that was wrong in his head and in his heart he didn't envisage for a second to abandon Dean. He didn't envisage for a second not to continue to travel with him. His absence would be even worse than his presence. Between two evils, Castiel was determined to choose the lesser. He sighed and then glanced at his watch. It was late and he probably should have been sleeping to be on form the next day. But he knew he would be unable to fall asleep as long as his brain would be flat out. He finally got out of bed and pulled on his jeans over his pajama pants. He also put on his jacket then grabbed the keys of his room and went out. He immediately walked to the drinks machine and inserted a coin to buy a soda. Once he had retrieved it, he went back to his room. The fresh air was pleasant on his face and he could already feel his muscles relax considerably. He had always had a greater ease to think when he wasn't enclosed within four walls. He smiled weakly, thinking back to Gabriel and his unfailing support. He arrived at the door of his room when he heard laughters and voices a few meters from him. He turned in the direction of the noise and saw Dean and his one-night stand discussing before the door of the room of the young man. They seemed to have much fun. Castiel sighed deeply as the two men exchanged several quick kisses. Then Dean pushed his companion and shut the door in his face. The man remained motionless for long seconds before spinning round and moving away to the parking lot. Castiel watched him a few seconds before returning to his room and removed his jeans and jacket. He then settled back on the bed and took a few sips of his soda. He put the can on the bedside table and closed his eyes. When he felt sleep take possession of him, he made an effort to ignore that he managed to fall asleep when he was sure that Dean was alone again. He ignored what it could mean and let himself be overwhelmed by nothingness without trying to fight a second longer.

 


	5. Never have I ever...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> 5th chapter already. We learn a little more about Dean. Warnings: Brief but relatively explicit mentions of torture suffered and discussion of sex in this chapter.
> 
> Thank you again to read me and to write to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you...
> 
> Happy reading
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> Please forgive me by David Gray
> 
> Warnings: Alcohol, drunkenness, mention of past drug use, mention and reference of character death, explicit discussion of sex and kinks, mention and reference of past abuse, graphic depiction of scars and injuries, mention and reference of suffered tortures

" _Men are more driven by blind desire than by reason_ "

Spinoza

 

They had visited the Grand Canyon, walked up the hill of Hollywood and Castiel still hadn't gotten rid of his desire for Dean. They continued to spend their days together, visiting little-known but unique sites or mocking those recommended by tour guides but were of no particular interest. They still drove aimlessly but now to the eastern United States and Castiel continued to fantasize about his traveling companion. He hated himself more than ever every time he gave in to his impulses, and more - if indeed it was possible - when he was confronted with Dean the next day and his attraction inevitably resurfaced.

Since the night of his phone call to Gabriel, Castiel asked to himself thousands of questions about his feelings for Dean. He had no answer and definitely didn't want to have any. This didn't prevent him from continuing to question himself. The young man hadn't asked to spend the evening alone again and Castiel couldn't help but be relieved.

They drove the day and ate together in the evening. They talked about everything but never anything important. They were free to go wherever they wished. It was exciting and new for Castiel. It was also scary.

He had no idea what to do now. He knew what he wanted but not what he really needed. It was certainly the first time in his life he had no idea of the path he should follow. He had previously been guided by his parents, his teachers or his siblings. He accepted being told what to do or what to think. He had never had decisions to make by himself. It was only when he had decided to leave home that he had realized how much he was unable to do this for now. He liked freedom. He liked not having to listen to the advices of others or the orders of his parents. But he was also terrified of not having any plan or mapped path. He probably would have been more comfortable if he hadn't met Dean. Castiel could accept to take simple decisions alone. He would have been entirely able to choose by himself which roads to take and places to visit. But he failed to decide what to do with his companion. He would have liked someone to tell him. He would have liked Gabriel to order him to leave the young man on the roadside or to confess his attraction to him. This status quo was driving him crazy. And he was mad at himself.

When Dean and he went to a place that made the young man smile, Castiel forgot everything else. He just looked at his companion's face light up completely and silently admired the beauty of his features. He could then no longer imagine keeping moving without the young man beside him.

But when they were in the car and Dean fell asleep or watched the landscape passing before his eyes, his face hard and his fists clenched on his thighs, edgy without Castiel knows why, his doubts returned to him. He wondered why he continued to inflict such torture to himself. He wondered how it was possible for him to have such feelings for his companion when they didn't really know each other.

One day as they were driving in silence and without purpose since the beginning of the day, Castiel decided it was time for him to act. He didn't really know where this determination came from but he felt the need to do something. Nothing special had happened since they had gotten in the car. Dean had offered to drive and he had his eyes fixed on the road ahead, window open and arm out, his hand raised as always to feel the wind against his palm. Castiel had seen him do that hundreds of times. There was nothing surprising in his behavior. Nothing unusual. His other hand was closed on the wheel, the ring on his annular shining in the sun. He had a relaxed face, bright eyes and a smile on the lips. He was gorgeous. Absolutely breathtaking. And Castiel couldn't bear any longer to know nothing of this man who fascinated him. He needed to dig and discover things. Of course, he could not do so directly. He couldn't ask the questions that nagged him for weeks. He had to find a way to do that without Dean noticing. He spent long minutes thinking and looking for a solution. Then he remembered a game some of his classmates played when he was still in high school. It was doubtless foolish and Dean would probably laugh at him but he had to try his luck.

"I want to get drunk tonight." He finally said to get the attention of the young man.

Dean frowned and turned his face to him for a second before returning his attention to the road.

"Okay, as you want." He replied calmly.

Castiel had never been drunk in his life. He wasn't necessarily eager to be. He had never really understood the interest of excessive drinking. He didn't want to have a hangover the next day and be too sick to take the road. But he knew that alcohol loosened tongues and it was exactly the goal he was seeking tonight. He needed Dean to talk to him.

"I don't want to do it in a bar… I thought we could buy bottles and drink in my hotel room. Maybe play a game…"

"A game?" Dean asked, astonished, returning his arm inside the car and shaking his hand before resting on the steering wheel.

Castiel nodded. He was afraid that Dean refuses. That he tells him they were too old to do this kind of stuff and he much preferred going out alone and find someone to play adult games.

"Yes… You know, I've always wanted to play this game that all teens do in parties... "I've never"." He admitted, a bit ashamed.

It was a new lie. Castiel had never really been curious about this game and had never been envious of his classmates participating in it. He didn't find any interest in it. But it was a unique opportunity to learn a little more about his companion. An opportunity to push him to reveal some aspects of his life. Castiel hoped to find a reason not to feel all these conflicting emotions concerning him anymore by learning who he really was.

"Oh I see… that's… I used to play it sometimes in high school. It's… okay, if you want." Dean finally accepted.

Castiel then smiled at him and turned his face to look at the landscape passing through the window. He had scored a first point. He just had to put his plan in application.

They had bought two bottles of vodka. One for each. Castiel was nervous and excited to learn things about Dean. They had chosen a slightly less low range motel than usual. And much to the surprise of Castiel, his companion had opted for a single room with two queen beds. He had explained that he preferred not to have to cross the entire motel if indeed he was totally drunk. Castiel had approved his choice even if he couldn't help being anxious at the thought of sleeping in the same room as the young man.

They had settled on the floor of the room, cross-legged for Castiel and legs extended straight ahead for Dean. They each had their bottle in one hand.

"Okay, do you at least know the rules?" Dean finally asked, looking Castiel suspiciously.

Castiel nodded. Actually, he had been ignorant of them until they had stopped to eat at noon and the young man consults them on the Internet with his phone while Dean was in the bathroom. But he considered that he didn't need to tell him.

"Perfect… then do the honors." Dean said, uncorking his bottle of vodka.

Castiel nodded, thinking about the best way to start the game. He couldn't directly get to the heart of the matter and address the important issues. He wanted his companion to have already drunk a minimum before coming to what he really wanted to know. He sighed deeply before opting for something simple.

"I have never been drunk." He said.

Dean shook his head before taking a sip of vodka. It was a low blow of course, but Castiel had to succeed to make his companion drink quickly.

"I've never been to college." Dean replied.

Castiel drank in turn and let the alcohol burn his throat, wincing. He didn't necessarily like the taste of vodka but couldn't possibly break the rules. He then put down the bottle next to his legs and watched his companion, seeking a suitable angle of attack.

"I've never slept with a woman."

Dean drank keeping his eyes fixed on Castiel and the latter felt his cheeks blush immediately. He wanted to ask for details but he doubted that his companion would give him some.

"I have never been active when sleeping with a man."

Castiel bit his lip one second and then took a sip of vodka. He had been in both roles but he had never really took pleasure in being passive. He supposed he hadn't found the right partner for this. He looked down at his legs and then realized that Dean had, meanwhile, obviously never been active. He supposed that it was a matter of course. He couldn't take the reins and be submissive at the same time. Which meant he had probably never slept with a man without being roughed up and dominated.

"I've never smoked drugs." Castiel said.

Dean took a sip of vodka before shrugging. He then pointed a finger at Castiel.

"I never had a pet." The young man claimed.

Castiel shook his head but didn't drink. He had always dreamed of having a cat but his parents had refused every time he had asked them. He didn't particularly like dogs and he had always refused to have a bird like Luke had suggested. Dean seemed surprised by his answer but eventually acquiesced.

"I've never been in love." Castiel said.

Dean cocked his head to the side and seemed to think one second. He ended up taking a quick gulp of his vodka. Castiel instantly frowned, surprised. His companion had been in love at least once in his life. He was barely twenty years old and he had already had the opportunity to get attached to someone. It had obviously not worked. And Castiel couldn't help wondering if their break up had something to do with Dean's desire to leave on the road. He would have also liked to know whether his companion had been in love with a man or a woman. But he asked no questions about it.

"I've never had more than ten thousand dollars to my name on a bank account."

Castiel immediately drank a sip. He had much more at the time when he still lived with his parents. His family was extremely wealthy. He however didn't take any pride in it. He had never been the spendthrift kind. And now he had lost his inheritance and the financial support of his parents. He yet wasn't sad.

"I've never been arrested by police."

Castiel had said it on the tone of a joke and solely to lighten the mood before addressing sensitive issues. But the look Dean gave him made him understand that he had made a mistake. He wanted to recant but his companion pull the rug out from under him by slowly drinking a long swig of vodka. Castiel followed the movement of his Adam's apple as he swallowed the liquid and then he looked down at his hands. He had never really thought that Dean could be on the run because he had done any wrongdoing. But now that he had this new information about him, he felt fear overwhelm him.

"You can ask a question you know." Dean said with a calm voice.

Castiel raised his head and looked at his companion a second before diverting his eyes again. He didn't know what to say. He was too afraid of the answer he would get if indeed he dared ask. But he also knew that not knowing was undoubtedly worse and eventually drive him crazy.

"I have done things I'm not proud of… but never anything serious, don't worry. I'm not on the run if that's what you're wondering." Dean eventually explained.

Castiel nodded without looking at his companion. He wanted to believe him. He didn't like being afraid of him. But he couldn't help it this time. He had to digest this information and learn to live with. He was going to need a little time to achieve that.

"I've never grown up with both of my parents."

Castiel hesitated to drink for a second. He regretted having proposed this game now that he had learned something he didn't know about Dean. Something that terrified him. But he didn't want to give up now. Not when he was finally getting what he had sought. Because his companion was considerably revealing himself to him and it was a big step for him. His last statement spoke volumes about his past. He hadn't grown up with a father and a mother like any child should be able to. He had lost one of the two or maybe both as a child. Castiel felt a lump in his throat and he finally took a mouthful of vodka. He had actually grown up with both of his parents. Although he had never felt like they were really invested in his education. He finally found the courage to face Dean's gaze and was relieved not to read anger on his face. It was obvious that his companion had understood what he was looking for tonight. And he seemed ready to play the game.

"I've never fought."

Dean drank in his turn. Castiel nodded, keeping his eyes on his companion.

"I've never been attracted to a man without telling him."

It was a counter-attack and Castiel couldn't ignore it. He had suspected that his attraction to Dean couldn't go unnoticed forever. But he had hoped to avoid being spotted this quickly. He swallowed hard and chose to be honest. It was what he expected of Dean and he had a duty to not lie to him in exchange. He took a swig of alcohol and swallowed while continuing to watch the young man. It was a clear and unambiguous admission. Dean gave him a smirk. Castiel's head was starting to spin and he wondered if he was already drunk. He had never been before and had no idea of the sensation it would cause him.

"I've never been tied to the bars of a bed at my request."

Dean drank. Castiel hadn't taken any risks with this statement. He watched his companion put his bottle beside him and press his hands behind him to lean back substantially.

"You curious about it?"

Castiel nodded without really realizing it. He had never met a person who shared the same activities as his companion, and he didn't know at all how it actually worked. He probably could have gotten this information on the Internet. It would have been undoubtedly safer. He didn't mind the reactions of his body if he was alone. It was more difficult to accept it when he was with the object of his desire. But he had drunk and Dean had agreed to be a little more open about himself. He had to seize this opportunity.

"I don't know what you can imagine but it's not like what you see in movies. I don't wear any collar and leash. I don't like to be flogged. I don't want to suffer overmuch." Dean explained calmly.

He crossed his legs and shrugged.

"I just like to pass control to the person I am with. I don't want them to be gentle and delicate with me. I like to be pushed around… to be spanked sometimes… or just being tied up and deprived of the pleasure to be able to touch my partner. I like being prevented to come for a while, to get a penile ring or that they use a vibrator to prepare me. Sometimes, I just want my partner to penetrate me without taking the trouble to use lube. It can be painful. But it's not the pain that pushes me to orgasm… it's the idea of being defenseless. When the sessions get really intense, when I'm tied up or really pushed around, I set up a safeword. I say it to end the game if ever I panic."

"Why Dean?"

Castiel didn't understand what pleasure he could take in letting himself being treated like this. He didn't see the interest to give up control and not actively participate in something that had to be mainly sharing.

"Why do I like it? I don't know Cas. That's how I am. I like making love to a woman… I like to be tender with her and make her take the greatest possible pleasure. But when I'm with a man… I don't want to have to worry about this stuff. I want to be shown that you can have the upper hand over me. It's exciting and… it's a matter of trust. You give yourself to someone and you agree to leave all the power to them. I can't explain to you what it makes me feel but it's something I couldn't do without."

Castiel wanted to understand but didn't succeed for now. He nodded anyway to show Dean this wasn't a problem to him and that he would never judge his friend on this point.

"Do you masturbate Cas?"

The question startled the young man and he immediately felt his cheeks blush violently. He knew he had no reason to be ashamed of such things. All men masturbated at a moment or another. Even those who were in couple. But he didn't want to talk about this subject with Dean. Mainly because he was currently the subject of all his fantasies. Because he knew his body would eventually betray what he had in mind when he would talk about it. He nodded slowly and prayed that this is enough for his companion.

"What do you think about when you do it?" Dean then questioned him.

Castiel didn't see what he was driving at. He didn't understand the interest of such a question. The young man seemed to have understood he was attracted to him. Did he want to hear him say that he thought about him when he touched himself? Did he need him to tell him to flatter his ego?

"I imagine myself with a man that I like… I imagine that he touches me, or that I enter him and… it's just… normal stuff." He finally explained as he knew he could never avoid this question.

"Are you implying that my fantasies aren't normal?"

"I'm not implying anything."

Dean sat up and rubbed his thigh with the flat of his hands.

"When I masturbate, I generally use a vibrator. I make sure that it's big enough for the penetration to be uncomfortable at first and slightly painful. I need to feel things. I imagine that a man grip my legs and forces me to spread them so I am in the position that satisfies him the most. I imagine that he prevents me to come for hours while he takes me in every possible positions."

"Why are you telling me all this Dean?" Castiel then asked.

He didn't see the meaning of his statements. He was uncomfortable with what he was hearing and incredibly aroused by the images his brain created from beginning to end. He wished he could escape and forget everything that had been said previously.

"Because I need you to understand Cas… I need you to know that I do nothing wrong but I'm like that. Not you… you're the kind of men to like making love and sharing things with his partner… I just want to be fucked. It's crude and maybe it shock you but… this is my life and my choices. You must understand that I won't go back on it. We're too different on this point… the exact opposite."

Castiel looked away as he finally understood what his companion sought. He didn't want to make him uncomfortable or even make him confess anything about himself. He knew exactly what the young man had in mind and he was just trying to make him understand that he was mistaken. That he was wrong to hope that something might happen between them. He wanted to dissuade him from trying anything. He was just confirming that nothing would ever be possible between them. They were too different. They could never agree on a sexual level. Castiel knew he was right. And he was grateful not to have told him things clearly. He nodded several times to signify Dean that he had understood him and then drank some of his vodka just to feel the alcohol burn his throat again.

"I've never tried to flee someone."

Castiel needed to resume the course of the game for not revealing how much he was disappointed by what Dean had made him understand a few seconds ago. He needed to stop thinking about what had happened. He turned to Dean and saw his companion drink a gulp of vodka. Castiel smiled at him before drinking in his turn. At least they had this in common. It was the first time Dean admitted fleeing someone and not something. He had claimed not to want stability or normal life. But he was like Castiel. He had left because there was someone, somewhere, who threatened him one way or another. And Castiel needed to know who.

"I have never been hurt physically." He said without worrying that it was Dean's turn to speak.

The young man seemed to want to protest then seemed to hesitate to put an end to the game. However he eventually drank a long swig of vodka. He then lowered his head and ran a hand over his face.

"I've never feared for my life." Castiel added because he felt he had an opening.

Dean took another mouthful without protesting. It was more than what the young man had hoped to get from his companion. He was aware of having made a huge step forward.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He then asked.

He hoped Dean would agree to open up a bit more to him. That he would finally agree to tell him what he was desperately trying to flee and for over a year. Castiel had never been so close to his goal and he felt extremely confident. His enthusiasm ended when he finally got the answer of his companion.

"No."

Castiel sighed deeply and looked up to the ceiling.

"No, I don't want to talk about it. But I can show you."

Dean's words surprised him and for a second he was unable to speak. He choked on his saliva by trying to swallow and coughed for a very long time. When he had regained a semblance of calm, he turned his attention to Dean and saw the young man had stood up. He stood up in his turn but chooses to stay at a reasonable distance of his companion. What did he mean by showing him? Castiel couldn't help being afraid that things degenerate. Was Dean revealing his true personality? He stepped back without realizing it while his companion grabbed the edges of his own t-shirt.

"I can show you but I don't want any questions. I don't want you to ask me for details. You can look… you can touch but don't say anything. Cas… I need you to swear to me that you won't question me."

Castiel nodded stupidly. Dean smiled sadly to him and finally took off his shirt. Castiel had often fantasized about his companion's chest. He had often imagined what he was like under his clothes. When he had caught him with the stranger of the bar, Dean still had his shirt on. He hadn't had the opportunity to see him shirtless. He now understood why. Despite himself, he stepped forward and held out a hand toward the young man. He was too far away to touch him but yet didn't approach. His eyes were fixed on the pale skin of Dean… on this chest which he had so often dreamed about but which was nothing like he had imagined. The torso of the young man was covered with scars. From his neck to his belly, there wasn't a single patch of skin that hadn't been reached. The scars were almost all different in terms of length or color. They were all frightful. The young man had been burned at the pectorals. He had a series of thin, white scars on his belly. Round marks just below his collarbone. A huge tattoo covered some part. Castiel had seen a tiny part of it the day they had met. But he had never imagined that it could be this large. It went down from his neck, covered his left pectoral and down along his sternum to above his navel. It didn't in no way hide the scars on which it had been drawn. They were everywhere and Castiel didn't know where to stop his gaze. He lingered one second on the burns covering his chest and wondered what could have caused them. Those on his belly resulted undoubtedly of whip lashes or cuts made by a knife. The small rounds were probably cigarette burns.

"Oh my God, Dean." He whispered, unable to remain silent.

He raised his eyes to look at the face of his companion. Dean was rigid like a statue. His face was drawn and his eyes were cold. He had imprisoned his lower lip between his teeth and seemed determined to bite enough for it to bleed. Castiel took another step forward and touched the skin of the young man with his fingertips. Dean shivered and turned slowly. It was even worse in his back. Castiel didn't think it was possible, but he had the evidence by looking at the back of his companion. It was entirely covered with scars and all seemed sufficiently recent so the skin hadn't had the time to become white. They were still reddish and seemed painful. Dean had another tattoo on his lower back, along his spine. It was clearly Chinese letters that certainly formed a sentence but whose meaning escaped him. Castiel felt tears in his eyes as he rested his hand on the young man's right shoulder blade. It was difficult to find an untouched patch of skin on his back. The scars crossed each other and were superimposed on each other in some places. They seemed to have been caused by whip lashes, knife blows or any object sharp and thin enough to have cut the skin very deeply. It was terrifying, horrible and it broke the heart of Castiel. Because Dean must have suffered horribly to have such marks on his skin. He must have lived hell. And the young man was dying to ask questions. He wanted to know what monster had been able to inflict such horrors to his companion. But he had promised not to ask anything and he would keep that promise. He contented himself with letting his finger gently draw his scars, tenderly and kindly. He felt Dean's breathe speed up substantially under his caresses and approached a little more of his companion. He had drunk and he felt capable of everything and anything. He wrapped his arms around the waist of the young man came and put his chest against his back. He then clasped his hands against Dean's belly and leaned his forehead on his neck. His lips were millimeters from his skin but he didn't kiss it. He then closed his eyes and let his proximity say what his words could never express. He felt Dean tense quickly before relaxing after a few seconds. It was an intense and strange moment. Castiel knew that things could never be the same now. He opened his eyes when he felt his companion's shoulders begin to tremble. And he felt his heart break again when he realized that Dean was crying. Silently. Without harrowing sobs. He just had his head down and his shoulders trembling. Castiel felt a lump in his throat and closed his eyes again. He gave several minutes to his companion to calm down and then when Dean had finished shaking, he stepped back to skirt and face him. There were tears on the cheeks of the young man. His eyes were closed and he was breathing heavily. Castiel put his hands on his cheeks and forced him to raise his head. He then waited for his companion to open his eyes to smile weakly.

"I understood." He simply said. "I understood and I'm here."

He couldn't say more without asking questions that would undoubtedly antagonize his companion. He just wanted to provide support to the young man. Make him understand he could count on him if he ever changed his mind and agreed to finally fully open to him. It was an opportunity. An outstretched hand. But he knew Dean wouldn't take it tonight. Not after what they had just lived together.

"Thank you." Dean eventually uttered.

He then stepped back to put some distance between him and Castiel and put on his shirt again. He walked over to his bed, retrieving his bottle of vodka in passing and flopped down on it with a heavy sigh.

"We should sleep." He said before taking a long sip of alcohol.

Castiel nodded, then walked to the bathroom to get changed. He took off his jeans and his shirt before putting pajama pants and another shirt. He quickly brushed his teeth and then splashed water on his face. His head was slightly spinning and his stomach seemed decided to twist in his belly. He now regretted having drunk too much. He knew he was likely to have a hangover tomorrow. But he didn't want to think too much about it right now. He wanted to sleep and forget the scars that streaked Dean's skin. The traces of suffering that a monster had inflicted on his companion in the past. He already knew this image would haunt him for a while.

"The worst, it's nightmares." Dean said when Castiel joined him in the bedroom.

The young man had almost emptied the bottle of vodka which he was still holding in his hand and his eyes were into space, fixed somewhere on the wall in front of him. Castiel didn't know if he should say something or even if his companion was actually addressing him. He chose to remain silent and pulled the blankets that covered his bed to slip under them. He then turned on his side to look at Dean.

"He's always here… in my head… he never leaves me. He'll never leave me." The young man added in a weak voice.

Castiel suspected that his companion could probably never forget the suffering his torturer had inflicted. He bore the marks on his body and they reminded him the hell he had lived every time he looked in a mirror. It was probably impossible for him to not think of it constantly. To not remember. Castiel was admiring the courage it had to require to continue to live his life as normally as possible.

"I remember everything… every moment… every second spent in his company and sometimes… I can still hear his voice. I escaped and yet he haunts me. It's too much Cas… most times, it's just too hard to bear." Dean rounded off before getting up.

He crossed the room, noticeably stumbling and put his bottle on the table located in a corner of the room. He then entered the bathroom without closing the door. Castiel listened to the shower water start to flow and waited patiently for his companion to have finished washing. He refused to close his eyes, fearing what images his brain would provide him. Dean had seemed genuinely terrified when speaking of his torturer. Terrified by the memories that would haunt him his whole life. He probably sought to outrun them by constantly driving across the country. But he couldn't leave them behind him because they were in his head and on his body. He couldn't do anything against them. Castiel turned on his back and clasped his hands over his stomach. Dean stepped into the room again several minutes later. He was wearing an old tee shirt and a boxer brief. His hair were still wet. His face was dark and his features hard. Castiel watched him join his bed and then crawl under the covers in his turn before turning off the light.

"I'd like to see the Mount Rushmore." Castiel then said, turning his face towards Dean.

He knew his friend would appreciate the change of conversation. He wanted to know more. Wanted to ask questions and get the name of Dean's torturer. But this was definitely not the right time for this. The young man was weakened by his confession and it would have been unfair to take advantage of his condition to extract new informations from him. It was preferable to talk about something else and make it clear to Dean that he wasn't his enemy. That he understood his need to not say more to not revive memories that never really left him.

"That's a lot of kilometers." Dean stated after a few seconds.

"But I'm sure it's worth it." Castiel responded.

"It's worth it." His companion assented.

Castiel smiled even though he knew Dean couldn't see him. Mission accomplished. He had managed to alleviate some of the tension that had developed between them after Dean's revelation. Castiel sincerely hoped he would again have the opportunity to discuss this with his companion. But he wouldn't insist if this wasn't the case. He refused to be the kind of man putting his curiosity before the well being of the people around him. It would yield to Dean's choices and respect them.

"Maybe one day Cas… one day, maybe I'll be able to." The young man eventually said.

Castiel nodded. He knew what his companion was talking about. It was almost as if he was answering the question the young man asked to himself without even needing to say it aloud. One day may be, he would be able to tell him the whole story. And those few words meant everything to Castiel. They showed the trust his companion was ready to grant him. They proved their trip was maintained over time. That Dean didn't intend to leave in the near future. They were together for a while still and the young man was planning to open up to him when he would be able to. It was all Castiel needed to forget the fear that the confessions of his companion had set off.

"Maybe one day." He then confirmed for Dean to know that he would wait.

He had tried his luck tonight and had obtained more than he had hoped for. He had learned a lot about Dean without the young man reveals anything in detail. He knew now that his companion had been in agony at some time or another in his life. That he had lost one or both parents. That he was fleeing his torturer for over a year without being able to forget what he had done to him. He now knew that Dean was a man broken by the cruelty of another man. Castiel was in pain for him. He didn't understand how someone could be determined to do this much harm to another person. He didn't understand gratuitous violence and the pleasure that some took in torturing others. This world was cruel and dangerous. It was violent and unfair. Castiel had lived a secured childhood. It hadn't been perfect but it seemed idyllic compared to what Dean had lived. The young man was barely twenty. He was traveling for more than a year. His scars must have been inflicted to him at most when he was eighteen. He was still a kid when someone had decided to make him suffer. It was a frightening thought. Castiel wasn't so naive as to be unaware that such people existed. He watched TV and read the newspaper. He knew what men were capable of. But never before he had been confronted to it so directly.

The young man listened to Dean's breathing deepen gradually and he knew his companion had finally fallen asleep. He listened to it for several minutes, aware that he could have never met him. Dean could have died of the hands of the man who had inflicted his scars. Their meeting verged on the miraculous. Castiel thanked fate for having put the young man on his way. For he had a goal in mind now. He would ensure that Dean forgets for a while the horrors of his past. He was to become his friend and prove to him that there were still people who didn't wish him harm. He didn't care how long it would take. The young man was more important than anything else. This trip had a meaning now. Castiel smiled. He felt responsible for the well being of his companion. He didn't know if he would be strong enough to manage to help Dean. But he wanted to believe that with a little time he could succeed. He had nothing better to do.

Castiel sighed deeply, then turned to his side again. He couldn't actually see Dean in the dark but he made out his figure under the blankets in the other bed. He finally closed his eyes and tried not to be invaded by the images of the tortures Dean had suffered. He focused on his affection for the young man. On the feelings he sought to ignore and against which the young man had warned him tonight. He let them comfort him and convince him that he was right to hold on. That he was right to want to keep Dean beside him. Sleep fell upon him without him really noticing and he took with him into nothingness the comforting sound of the breathing of his companion a few meters from him.

 


	6. On the run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Here is the 6th chapter of this story. We learn a little more about Dean again. I hope you'll like it.
> 
> Thank you for reading me and writing to me...
> 
> Good reading,
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> Wanted dead or alive by Bon Jovi
> 
> Warnings: mention and reference of scars and suffered tortures, mention of rape, homophobic language, physical violence, asphyxia, slight panic attack

" _Doubt is the worst evil, for it supposes them all_ "

La Rochefoucauld

 

Castiel and Dean had not talked about what they had told each other the night they had played and drank together in their shared motel room. They had hit the road the next day with an unprecedented hangover for Castiel and had not traveled a large distance in the day. They had driven alternately, sleeping when they were not driving, and not exchanging more than a few words when they were both awake. Castiel had dreamed all night of the tortures that had been inflicted on Dean and had woken up exhausted and with an epic headache. Dean seemed to have well digested the alcohol ingested but he had seemed more withdrawn than usual. Castiel knew exactly why.

The following days, the situation had somewhat improved between them. They still didn't talk about the revelations of the young man and the strange embrace they had shared. Dean gradually smiled again as the kilometers went by and they approached their destination. Castiel was doing his best to forget the scars that streaked across his chest and back.

In the evening, they took each a room without consult each other on this point. Castiel much preferred to spend the night alone. He was not entirely comfortable with the attraction he had for his companion and Dean seemed determined to spend some time away from him. It was certainly better as well. They were together all day and needed to get away from each other the space of a night.

It took them a whole week to manage to regain some balance between them. Their relationship had been significantly altered by their game and their mutual confessions. They had made several detours on the road leading them to Rapid City but now that they were finally in South Dakota, things were normal again between them.

Dean talked about this and that but definitely not about himself. Castiel listened to him, laughing at his stupid jokes and definitely not evoking anything personal. That was how their relationship worked in ordinary times and they perfectly contented themselves with it.

Castiel knew that the way he had had to take Dean in his arms and show him support without urging him to talk had somewhat destabilized his companion. He had guessed it in the looks that the young man sometimes shot him or his constant hesitation when he had to take the floor. The time and devoured kilometers fortunately had erased some of his uneasiness. Castiel was finally finding the old Dean again. The one who was good company. The one who was excited to share his experience on the road with Castiel and his taste for some stunning sceneries.

The few thousand kilometers that separated them from the city where they had confided to each other were salutary. Castiel no longer dreamed of the young man writhing in pain under the blows of a faceless attacker and his fantasies had regained the upper hand as soon as he closed his eyes. Everything was for the best between them. Castiel knew that his companion remembered everything they had said, but he seemed to want to leave all this behind them. It was a good thing. He would speak if he felt the need one day. Not before. And it was better that way.

They stopped for the night on the outskirts of Rapid City, just a few kilometers from Mount Rushmore that Castiel longed to see since Gabriel had forced him to watch North by Northwest as a child. They took two rooms in a low-end motel for three nights and then went to dinner. Rapid City had the advantage of not being highly populated. The center consisted of a few streets lined with shops, restaurants and bars. There were no tourists at this time of the year and very few locals in the streets after 8 pm. It was probably the perfect place for Dean and Castiel preferred not to think about the reasons for his choice. They parked the car in an almost empty parking lot and chose a restaurant that presented a wide selection of pasta and hamburgers at reasonable prices.

They dined evoking the day that would follow. They planned to see the Mount Rushmore in the morning and come back in the evening to watch the lighting of the monument. Dean insisted that they also drop by the Crazy Horse Memorial. Castiel had vaguely heard about it on TV and wasn't opposed to the idea. After having each paid their share of the bill, they left the restaurant evoking the possibility of a stroll in the national parks in the area to observe the animals in the wild. Dean seemed particularly excited to stay a moment nearby, visibly delighted by the peace of places and the wildness of the area. Castiel was just happy to see his companion smile after a complicated week. On the way back to the car, they stopped a few seconds before the statues of the presidents that had been installed at every intersection, sharing their opinions on each of them. The streets were completely deserted at this hour and Castiel couldn't help looking around him with an anxious eye. He had heard thousands of stories in the news telling how single people were attacked in the city because they were not cautious enough to stay in crowded places. He still perfectly remembered that young couple who had been found dead in an alley in the center of Salt Lake City. They had been murdered without anyone sees anybody get away, beaten to death without witnesses. Castiel was not necessarily someone fearful but he was cautious. And although he wasn't alone, he preferred to stay on guard.

Beside him, Dean continued to joke about the election of Ronald Reagan and the ridicule to have an actor for president. He was not wearing his hood or his cap tonight. He didn't seem worried that people could see his face. No doubt this was due to the fact that there was only Castiel to see him.

The wind had picked up since they had left the restaurant and the air was cool. South Dakota was much colder than California and the change of weather was something that Castiel was having trouble getting used to. He was only wearing a thin jacket over his shirt and was beginning to shiver. Dean was still talking, joking about the stupidity of voters, citing George Bush Jr. as proof that people didn't think when putting the ballot in the box, and didn't seem bothered by the wind blowing around them. They went on their way just to stop again before the statue of George Washington. Dean watched it thoughtfully for long seconds before talking about the complicated past of the man that many saw as the Founding Father of the United States. Castiel was surprised to see all that his companion could know about the US history. He had never thought that the young man was stupid or uneducated but had never seen him as someone as passionate by facts dating back to several hundred years. He forgot for a second his concerns and chills that roamed his body and concentrated on what the young man was telling of their former president.

They moved again until the next statue - a president assassinated shortly after his election whose name Castiel didn't even know - and Dean launched once again into a long explanation of the limited life time of some of their leaders. It was instructive and enthralling but Castiel was distracted by the sound of a car approaching in their direction. He anxiously watched it pass. It was old, with tinted windows and a motor that made an infernal noise. It seemed at the end of its life. Castiel watched it until it disappears around the corner of the next street and then turned his attention to Dean. The young man seemed really passionate about what he was telling. He spoke of Kennedy and his assassination, the curse of his family that had touched Bob and John and John, and appeared to have a clear-cut opinion on what had happened to them.

It was only when they reached the edge of the parking lot where they had parked that the young man finally fell silent. He took a cigarette from his pack and lit it, watching the stars shining above their heads. The streets were unlit and they could discern certain constellations. Castiel probably should have been fascinated by the spectacle but he only had eyes for Dean. His face was relaxed, his eyes bright and cheeks flushed substantially by the cold. He was dreamy. Castiel knew he was wrong to watch him and feed his attraction like this. But he couldn't help himself. He was fascinated by Dean. Fascinated by the beauty of his features and the strength that emanated from him. Fascinated by the smile that too rarely stretched his fleshy lips.

When his companion finally looked away from the sky, Castiel tore himself from his contemplation and glanced around for their car. It was still where they had parked it and Castiel could not help being relieved. It was irrational. Rapid City was certainly not the most dangerous city in the US. They probably risked nothing in its streets. But it was late. The place was dark and Castiel didn't necessarily feel safe.

He let Dean time to finish his cigarette, seeking his car keys in the pockets of his jeans. He had barely found them when a sound caught his attention and his companion's somewhere in the parking lot. Dean turned in the direction of the noise, frowning. Castiel pricked up his ears again. He was just starting to relax when a scream pierced the silence of the parking lot. Castiel didn't have time to say anything before Dean rushes forward straight ahead.

For a second, the young man wondered if it was wise to follow him. He had never fought and he doubted to be a great help if they were involved in any altercation. He would only handicap Dean. But he couldn't leave his companion alone in these circumstances. And he refused to turn his back on someone who could be in danger. He still took out his phone from his pocket and dialed 911 before launching himself in the direction that Dean had just taken.

Another cry resounded his ears and Castiel significantly accelerated the pace. He finally saw Dean's silhouette a few meters from him. He wasn't alone. When Castiel was close enough to intervene if necessary, he stopped. There were two men in front of his companion. Two men slightly older than them and who didn't seem particularly pleased to have been interrupted. Behind them was a young woman sitting on the floor, one hand over her mouth, blood streaming from an injury to her temple. Her skirt was ripped along one leg and the buttons of her blouse had been torn. It was clear that her assailants had intended to rape her. The thought made Castiel absolutely furious. Dean stood between him and the two men, his fists clenched on either side of his body. Everyone was strangely silent. Castiel wasn't sure that calling the police in front of the two men was a good idea. He however pressed his phone tight in his hand, ready to make that phone call as soon as possible.

"You shouldn't meddle in, buddy." Said one of the two men in front of Dean.

The young man shrugged and threw his cigarette to the ground on his right. He didn't seem frightened by the situation. Castiel assumed he had lived much worse. As for him however, it was a first. He was dead scared even if he was determined not to leave without helping the frightened young woman who was still sitting on the floor.

"Leave her alone and nobody will be hurt." Dean replied calmly.

"That's not gonna happen." The other man protested, raising his hand that he had kept in his back so far.

He was holding a knife between his fingers. A huge knife that seemed straight out of a horror movie. Dean watched it a second before crossing his arms over his chest.

"You really think you'll scare me with that? You're gonna need more than that to scare me off." He hurled.

Castiel was determined to give him support but he was struggling to keep calm. He had never seen a real weapon in his life. And if his companion didn't seem destabilized to have one more or less pointed in his face, he couldn't say the same. He pressed the call button on his phone praying that no one has seen him.

"The police is on the way." He claimed, hiding his phone in his back.

He knew he had been wrong to say it when the gaze of the two men turned to him and he saw the one holding the knife take a step in his direction. Dean immediately interposed himself between them, without any doubt to protect him. He seemed so different at this moment from the enthusiastic man who had talked without restraint about the Presidents whose statues they had seen that Castiel would probably have not recognized him if he hadn't known it was indeed the same man. He was ready to attack, his arms uncrossed and slightly bent as if to block an attack. His shoulders were tense and straight, his head buried between them. He looked like a boxer about to strike a blow. Or an disarmed soldier on a battlefield. He was frightening. And Castiel could guess that his eyes were stone cold and terrifying.

"You afraid we harm your boyfriend, faggot?" Flung the man who hadn't a knife.

It was offensive and homophobic. Castiel however didn't care what these people might think of him and his companion. He had learned quite early that many people didn't tolerate homosexuality. That he was taking a risk by deciding to accept it now. But he was ready to take insults. He was strong enough for that. Dean, however, did not seem ready to tolerate them.

"It would be better for you to apologize immediately." He affirmed coldly.

"Or what?"

Castiel had a vague idea of what Dean might have in mind. He cast a quick look at his phone and was pleased to see that the connection had been established with the police. They could hear the conversation that was held between them and their attackers. They just had to say enough for them to decide to intervene.

"Or, I'll make you deeply regret it… and you and your pal will spend a very bad night." Dean explained.

Castiel watched one second the young woman who had been the victim of two men that Dean was now facing. She seemed still terrified and didn't seem decided to leave. Castiel could not blame her for that. He supposed that she was terrified of being pursued. He returned his attention to his companion and their two opponents.

"Listen… you should go and leave us alone. No one was hurt and we do not intend to chase you. The police will be there shortly and it would be foolish to wait until it takes you to the station while you have a chance to get out of here quietly." He claimed.

The man with the knife then chuckled for a second before waving his weapon in front of him.

"I doubt that the police is really on the way. And I have no intention of letting two fags tell me what to."

It was undoubtedly an insult too much. Castiel knew that Dean was going to attack before he leaps in the direction of the armed man. He did not have time to say anything, or even to seek to hold him back. He stood still while his companion struck his fist in the face of the man who had insulted him. The sound of the blow seemed to echo around them and while the other man was also rushing forward to Dean, Castiel finally emerged from his torpor. He grabbed his opponent by the arm and shoved him as far as possible. He couldn't avoid the blow that the latter gave him in the belly when throwing himself on him again. Castiel doubled up under the effect of pain and stepped back. When he straightened up, Dean was still trading blows with the man who was armed. He was holding the hand closed around the knife far enough to not be touched while his other hand was busy hitting his attacker repeatedly. Castiel wanted to help but he had much to do with his own opponent who seemed determined to knock him down. He managed to avoid a first stroke but the second hit him in the jaw and pain wrested a few tears from him. He closed his eyes for a second, blindly throwing his arm in the direction of his attacker. His fist hit a nose and he heard a satisfactory cry of pain. He then threw himself on the man he had just touched and made him fall back. The latter dragged him down with him and they continued to fight on the ground. Castiel had never exchanged blows with anyone in the past. But he had seen movies and he was willing to do anything to survive. He quickly hit every part of the body of his opponent, taking the blows with groans of pain. They rolled on the ground for long seconds before Castiel manages again to have the upper hand. He hit his opponent in the face. But the latter seemed more accustomed than he to this kind of situation and soon two hands closed around his throat, preventing him from breathing. He tried to struggle but he could no longer draw breath. The man below him used his leg to exchange their positions without releasing his neck. Castiel soon found himself on his back and he grabbed the arms of his attacker in an attempt to push him back. His lungs were strongly protesting against the treatment received and Castiel could already feel the first effects of the lack of oxygen. His vision blurred significantly and he knew he would eventually lose consciousness. He had studied to become a doctor. He knew exactly the effects that the lack of oxygen would have on his body and his brain. He struggled feebly for a few seconds before giving up. From the corner of his eye, he saw that Dean was also on the ground. The man holding the knife had pressed it against his neck, probably with the intention of slicing his throat. So that was the end for both of them. Castiel had never expected to die this way. He took a second to think about what would happen to the young woman they had saved. Would she have the courage to run away before they are dead? He sincerely hoped so. He kept staring at Dean while bright spots danced now in his field of vision. The assailant of his companion had nicked the skin of his neck with the tip of his knife, but he had moved his hand back, ready to stab.

Castiel couldn't look. It was beyond him. He then closed his eyes. He was about to pass out when he heard the first sirens. The police. The pressure on his throat disappeared suddenly Castiel and immediately began to cough. Oxygen rushed into his lungs and he turned to the side, overwhelmed by pain. He opened his eyes painfully. Dean was still lying next to him. But the man threatening him was standing again and he had dropped his knife. Castiel rushed to pick it up and throw it as far away from them as possible. He then tried to get to his feet but his members refused to cooperate and he fell on his buttocks. The two assailants were stupidly looking at each other before them. They finally seemed to understand the seriousness of the situation and they fled hastily without even taking the time to catch their weapon. Castiel then crawled towards Dean and put two fingers on his neck to check his pulse. He was relieved to see that his heart was still beating. He was bleeding slightly from a cut at the collar of his shirt but the wound was superficial. Castiel then looked up at the young woman who kept looking at them with eyes wide open. He wanted to reassure her but his throat was too painful for him to talk. He turned his attention to Dean. The young man slowly opened his eyes and frowned. The sirens of police cars were getting considerably closer now. They certainly weren't very far. Castiel nodded and fell on his back, exhausted. He was willing to wait for the police and ambulances and not move until he was led to hospital. Dean, meanwhile, seemed to have other projects in mind.

"We gotta dash." He whispered.

Castiel turned his head toward him and watched him rise painfully. He put a hand on his neck and wiped the blood from his wound. He then turned to Castiel and held out a hand to help him to his feet.

"We gotta dash, now." He repeated.

He seemed totally panicked and Castiel didn't understand. They were the heroes of this story. They had no reason to run away now. The young woman would testify in their favor and they probably would receive the congratulations of the police. Furthermore, they had to go to hospital to check their injuries. Castiel had received several blows to the head and he didn't want to take any risk. He finally shook his head.

"Why? We did nothing wrong."

Dean sighed, visibly annoyed. He was significantly staggering and didn't seem able to stay on his feet very long. But he didn't seem ready to change his mind. Castiel sat down with the help of his hands and stared at his companion.

"Dean, we must explain to the police what has happened."

The young man shook his head in his turn.

"No, we gotta go. She can explain."

Castiel frowned. He didn't understand what could push Dean into wanting to leave. Then he thought back to the desire of his companion to hide his face whenever they were in public, and he realized that the young man was not afraid to be accused of anything in this story. He was afraid that to be recognized. Which meant that the police had his identikit somewhere in their premises. Dean was wanted.

"Castiel, please. I can't stay here." Assured the young man whose panic was visible on his face.

Castiel had no idea what to do now. He had proof that Dean was actually wanted and not just by the monster who had inflicted his scars. He was wanted by the police. It was the only explanation for his attitude.

"Dean, what did you…"

He did not have time to finish his sentence. The police cars had turned in the corner of the street and were entering the parking lot. Castiel watched them approach without moving. When he finally turned his face to look at his companion, he realized he was gone. He hadn't waited for Castiel to stand up. Hadn't taken the risk to be seen. He had taken flight. Castiel looked down at his legs and closed his eyes for a second. His head and neck hurt. Breathing was still complicated and his whole body seemed stiff. He winced while getting on his feet with difficulty. Before him, two policemen were taking care of the young woman that Dean and him had rescued while another was approaching him. Castiel let him ask all the necessary questions, answering as best as possible despite his advanced state of exhaustion. He listened to the policeman congratulate him and to the young woman thank him for a long time. He gave a description of their attackers, assured that he was there alone - which the victim was kind enough to confirm - then promised not to leave the area for a while. He gave his phone number to the policeman who had questioned him then let the paramedics check the condition of his neck. He refused to to go to hospital and waited patiently to be released. When he finally went to his car, his legs were shaking and he had a splitting headache. He took a few seconds to calm down once settled behind the wheel then started the engine and finally left the parking lot. He drove aimlessly for a while and allowed himself to think of Dean. He had no idea what the young man could have done after his departure. He had probably taken the motel path. Castiel was pretty sure he would find his room empty and no farewell note for him. It was probably better this way. Dean had obviously serious problems to solve and Castiel was not sure to have a wide enough pair of shoulders to help him. He would probably regret for a long time the turn of the evening's events. He already knew that he would miss the young man for a while. But Dean was wanted by police. It was an information that Castiel couldn't ignore.

He finally found the motel path after turning several times around the same block and turned on the radio to try to divert himself. He was just leaving the center when he saw someone walking head down on the roadside. It didn't take long to Castiel to recognize Dean. He hesitated for a second to change direction so his companion wouldn't see him. But he couldn't help it. He felt the need to pass by the young man. And without really realizing it, he slowed down and opened the passenger window to address his companion.

"Get in." He said.

Dean turned his face towards him. He was frowning. Two bruises were already visible on his face and his ribs seemed to hurt. Castiel could not let him walk to the motel. He could offer to drive him to the motel and then let him go on his own. He ended up parking on the roadside and unlocked the passenger door. Dean immediately opened it and slid onto the seat in silence. Castiel then got going again. He didn't know what to think of the young man at that very moment. He had thousands of questions to ask him and he didn't know where to start.

"Did you talk about me?" Dean finally asked, breaking the silence.

Castiel hesitated a second to lie to see the reaction of his companion. But they were driving fifty miles per hour and he didn't want the young man to try something stupid. Like jumping from the moving car. Which he thought him perfectly capable of.

"I told them I was alone." He assured.

"What about the chick? What did she say?"

Castiel cast a glance at Dean when he had to stop at a red light. The young man had his face turned outwards, his hand on the door handle, confirming the suspicions of Castiel. He seemed ready to escape at any time.

"She confirmed that I was alone. Dean, you saved her life. She wasn't going to inform them on you."

"Good."

Castiel turned his attention to the traffic lights and got moving when he was allowed to. He tried to focus on the song that the radio was broadcasting but he was unable to think of anything but the reaction of his companion to the arrival of the police.

"You are wanted, aren't you?" He asked when he was unable to remain silent.

He needed answers. He could not continue to ignore everything that was weird about the young man. For if Dean was actually on the run, he risked being arrested with him. He could be accused of complicity. He didn't want to pay for something he hadn't done. Dean had to be honest with him.

"I'm not wanted… I'm just… I've had bad experiences with the police so far. I didn't want… I know how police officers are in these small towns. They hate people like me."

"And exactly what are people like you? Criminals?"

Castiel pressed the steering wheel in his hands when Dean turned abruptly to him. He quickly glanced at him. He looked hurt by his accusation. Castiel swallowed hard.

"I'm not the villain of the story." Dean assured him in a cold voice.

Castiel wanted to believe him. He really wanted to think him sincere. But he couldn't help but think of the attitude of his companion since they had met. Of the many times Dean had avoided crowded places or walked in cities with a cap pulled down over his head to hide part of his face. He might not be the villain of the story or even a multirecidivist murderer on the run but he was hiding something important.

"Sorry Dean but I have trouble believing you." He declared.

"Let me out." His companion then requested.

Castiel had no intention of letting him jump from the moving car or even take flight without having a chance to retrieve his belongings in the motel. Moreover, the attackers were still at large and they could well decide to take revenge on them. Dean shouldn't remain alone in unlit streets. So he engaged the automatic door locks just before his companion pulls the handle.

"No." He spoke without leaving his eyes off the road.

"Let me out right now!" Dean cried out, unnecessarily shaking the handle of his door.

The locking prevented him from opening it and Castiel had never been so grateful to the inventor of the child safety lock than at that moment. He still kept his finger near the lock button to act if necessary and accelerated significantly.

"You're not going to jump from this car in gear. You could hurt yourself! And I won't let you walk back to the motel."

"Let me out immediately Castiel or I swear I'll…"

"You'll what? You'll WHAT?" Castiel shouted.

He was really angry now and he hesitated for a second to park again on the roadside in order to grab Dean by the shoulders and shake him until he tells him the whole truth. He couldn't accept his companion to threat him like that. Not after everything he had done for him. Not after he had taken him in his arms to comfort him. He wouldn't tolerate it.

"Nothing." Dean let out, looking down on his legs.

Castiel nodded, sighing. He didn't know Dean enough to know what he was really capable of, but he had spent enough time with him to be sure that he wasn't going to try anything. He had spoken without thinking. He hadn't intended to threaten him.

"I won't do anything but I want to get out of this car." Dean added.

Then without warning, he tried again to open the door by pulling with all his strength on the handle. Castiel let him struggle unnecessarily, astonished that the young man hadn't thought to look for the automatic door locking button. Fortunately for him, it was installed between the steering wheel and the driver's door. He couldn't reach it without straddling Castiel. He knew that Dean wouldn't go so far. He continued to grumble, hitting his shoulder against the door and when Castiel really had enough of his fuss, he parked on the roadside and turned to him to grab his shoulders.

"Okay, enough now Dean. Calm down!" He commanded in a loud voice.

His companion continued to struggle a second before coming to a stop. His back was turned to Castiel and he still had his hands closed around the handle of the door. He was shaking like a leaf and seemed about to panic. Castiel gave him enough time to calm down and decided to take the floor again when he saw him rest his forehead against the glass.

"Dean, I haven't mentioned you to the police and I know the woman you saved won't say anything more about you. But…"

"I scare you." Dean cut him off.

And that was the whole problem. Castiel was terrified of the reaction the young man had had. Terrified by what it meant. He kept believing that his companion was incapable of hurting him but he would not run unnecessary risks. He didn't know what to do.

"A bit yes… I know you're not going to attack me all of a sudden… you could have done it hundreds of times since we met if that was what you had in mind. But I won't lie to you. I'm not comfortable with the fact that you… that you seem determined to hide from the authorities. If you agreed to explain… if you told me what happened to you, I could maybe understand."

Dean was still head leaning against the passenger window and Castiel would have liked to see his face. He would have liked to try to read the truth in his eyes. He did not like having to settle for his only words.

"I have nothing more to say to you. I'm not… I'm not on the lam. I haven't escaped from prison or any police precinct. I'm not one of the most wanted men in the United States and I've done nothing illegal that could justify a manhunt. I'm just… I'm just a boy who had bad experiences and no longer has faith in this world to protect him. I'm just someone who made mistakes in the past and who paid a heavy price for it. I know what a policeman would think of me by seeing me and digging into my past. I'll perfectly do without their judgments and their disapproving looks. I don't want their pity either. I just want to live my life… I want to travel and I want… I wanna do it with you."

Dean had never said this much about himself. At least, never without drinking. There was a certain sincerity in his words and something that looked like fragility in his tone. Castiel wanted to believe him.

"I don't want you to be scared of me… I want you to trust me… no one has ever… I've often been judged Cas… and I… I need you to trust me. I'm tired of being alone."

Castiel closed his eyes for a second. He didn't like the way Dean's voice was trembling. Nor the sensation he had of having hurt him. He would probably end up regretting it but he refused to abandon his companion now. He could almost feel the weaknesses that threatened the mental and physical health of the young man. He wanted to protect and heal him. Although he doubted to be enough. He opened his eyes and nodded.

"Okay, Dean… okay, I believe you. I believe you." He assured.

He saw the young man significantly raise the head from the glass against which it was leaning. He then tilted his head to the side until his cheek brushed the hand Castiel had placed on his shoulder. It was a thank that was worth all the "thank you" he could have voiced.

"We should go to bed. It's late." Castiel affirmed after a few seconds.

Dean nodded and settled back in the seat so as to face the road. He crossed his arms over his chest and buried his head into his shoulders. He looked like a child who had just been punished and Castiel found him adorable. He could not believe that this man was capable of hurting someone. He had come to the aid of the young woman who had been assaulted. He had interposed himself to save her. He wasn't a criminal. He was not a bad person. No matter what he might have done or lived in the past. He deserved a second chance. Castiel would never allow himself to judge the young man.

"Hey Dean? Can I ask you something?"

The young man tensed immediately and Castiel hastened to clarify what he had in mind.

"How is it that you know as much about American presidents?"

It was a way to change the subject and soothe some of the tension that still reigned in the car. Castiel had agreed to trust his companion and he wanted to prove to him that he had no resentment toward him. He had had an opportunity to let him go. He could have grabbed it and continue his road trip alone. It was certainly less risky. But it was also less exciting. And Dean had told him he wanted to continue the trip by his side. It was all Castiel had needed to forget everything else.

"Bobby… he had all these books on American history and… he was passionate. He always told me amazing stories about the Great Men of History."

Castiel wanted to ask who was Bobby and why Dean talked about him in the past. Had they lost contact or was he dead?

"It's a subject that always fascinated me. Not the history taught in school but… all that has happened alongside. The rumors… the stories that nobody ever talks about. They are the most interesting."

Castiel nodded, listening to Dean telling him different things about different presidents whose names the young man didn't even know. He let his deep voice erase the doubts that still remained in a part of his mind. He had seen a new side of Dean tonight. He had discerned a certain fragility in him when he had showed him his scars. But he had been drinking and the intensity of his reactions was reinforced. Tonight, however, he knew that his behavior was sincere and true. Dean was really terrified to be alone again. It was surprising. The young man had traveled for a year without ever feeling the need to become attached to someone. But after a few weeks spent with Castiel, he really seemed to need his presence. Castiel was flattered to know that he brought him comfort. That his presence was appreciated. He asked nothing more from him. He knew there would never be anything more between them. He was perfectly willing to accept it if he was certain that a genuine friendship was possible between them. He hoped for the best and not to be wrong. He did not know if he could bear to see Dean betray his trust from one day to the next. It was the first time that Castiel got actually attached to someone. He was aware of taking a risk. He knew almost nothing of Dean. He knew neither his past nor his real intentions. But he trusted him and he loved to hear him speak or laugh beside him in the car. No matter what he might have done in the past. No matter what might have caused these scars on his chest and his back. He liked the Dean who was at his side today. He was willing to turn a blind eye to the rest. Traveling with the young man was undoubtedly the most exciting experience that Castiel had known in his life. He only hoped that everything would end well.

 


	7. Mechanical Troubles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Here is the 7th chapter.
> 
> Thank you again and again to read me and send me messages.
> 
> Good reading,
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> Collide by Howie Day
> 
> Warnings: Swearing, language, brief discussion of sex

" _Life is wholly spent to desire..._ "

Jean de la Bruyères

 

Castiel and Dean had to stay a week longer than they had originally planned in Rapid City. The police had allowed Castiel to leave the city only after they had gotten hold of the two men who had assaulted the young woman. The young man had had to register his deposition, confirm that he didn't want to file a complaint for assault and battery and agree to identify his two attackers behind a two-way mirror. Dean had waited for him at the motel all this time. They hadn't mentioned the incident in Rapid City again, and Castiel was beginning to wonder since how long they had become experts to talk for hours without saying anything.

They had visited together Mount Rushmore, the Crazy Horse Memorial and the many national parks of the Black Hills. They had even made a detour to Deadwood that Dean had deemed "as artificial and false as Las Vegas". They then had left the area and South Dakota to take the road that would lead them to St. Louis, Memphis, Nashville, Baton Rouge and then New Orleans. The road was long and the stop-overs spaced but Dean was very excited to return to Louisiana where he remembered having experienced some memorable weeks.

Castiel would just follow the directions and advice of his friend, happy to see him smile again at the idea of seeing a place that obviously reminded him very good memories.

They were on the border between Nebraska and Iowa, near Omaha, when Castiel's car began to play up. It was quite old and had not been checked by a professional before the hasty departure of the young man. Dean told him repeatedly that he had been wrong to be so little vigilant and laughed at his obvious inability to do a simple check of oil level. Castiel let him bother him about it, making fun of his obvious love of mechanics. Dean then told him how much he had enjoyed working with Bobby - whom Castiel still knew nothing more than the name - on the many cars he kept on his property, most of which had not been driven for centuries. He explained how he had fixed some out of nothing and then sold them to customers who didn't have big budgets. Finally, he spoke of the old Chevrolet of his father, a 67 Impala, which Dean seemed totally in love with. It had obviously been his home for part of his life and Castiel noted that new information about his companion in a corner of his mind.

They were a few kilometers from Kansas City when the engine of Castiel's car simply stopped working. Dean immediately swore under his breath, getting out from behind the wheel. They were in the middle of nowhere, on a lost road from the depths of Kansas and their phones seemed unwilling to receive any signal.

Castiel joined his companion in front of the car, a little ashamed. He absolutely knew nothing in mechanics. He had never replaced a wheel or even refilled windshield washer fluid. He was completely helpless in such circumstances and he could only count on Dean's experience to get themselves out of this impasse.

It was hot at that time of day and the sun was beating down dangerously above their heads. Castiel again checked his mobile. No signal. They had taken this road on Dean's insistence who wanted to enjoy the scenery and not be bothered by the other road users who were all driving, according to him "like cripple fogey". It had been nice to be alone on the road, lost in the middle of fields and the surrounding forests. But they had not seen a single car in over two hours and Castiel was starting to see the risks and disadvantages of the plan of his companion.

If he was responsible for the state of his car, Dean was, as for him, responsible for their isolation. He didn't intend to let himself being blamed for everything.

Castiel took out two bottles of water from the cooler in his trunk and gave one to Dean with a smile. The young man was turning around the car without touching it, obviously a little at lost as to what could have caused the breakdown.

Their trip had been quiet since leaving Rapid City. They had stopped here and there to admire nature or visit local museums whose exhibits amused them. They had seen the ones of weaving loom, of shoemaking and of agricultural machinery. They had laughed a lot in trying to guess what was the use of each of the exposed machines and had ended up having to leave the museum when the person in charge of the premises had reproached them for not being sufficiently respectful. Dean had joked while getting into the car about the notion of respect of a tractor or a combine harvester and Castiel had laughed with him for several kilometers. They had followed the same routine that since the beginning of their trip. They slept in motels and in separate rooms. They lunched together in road restaurants or fast food on motorway services. They sometimes dined outside and sometimes in their rooms, watching TV and making fun of the programs broadcasted. Castiel particularly loved these evenings they spent sitting side by side on a bed, laughing at the stupidity of people who took part in reality shows. Dean had gone out alone only once after leaving Rapid City. Castiel had heard him return with a woman later and had spent much of the night ignoring the moans of his companion and fulminating against the poor soundproofing of motels in general.

Everything had been perfect since the Rapid City incident. But under the blazing sun of Kansas in mid afternoon, Castiel sensed that Dean's good mood was gone, giving way to anger and frustration.

The young man was shooting a dirty look at the car, apparently deep in thought. Castiel wanted to ask if he had any idea what had caused the breakdown, but he doubted that his friend was in the mood to answer. He therefore only watched him skirt around the car once again before coming to a stop in front of the hood. He then turned to Castiel, hands on hips, sweat dripping on his forehead.

"Open it." He demanded.

Castiel wished he could do what he was demanding in the next second. But he was perfectly unable to open the hood. He knew there had to be a controller somewhere inside the car. But he didn't even know where to look. He looked at Dean for a few seconds without moving. His companion finally realized that he wasn't able to do what he demanded and walked to the driver's door with a quick step. He opened it and leaned, grumbling, and fumbled under the steering wheel for a while. Castiel watched him, fascinated by the sweat that had dripped into his back and glued his t-shirt to his skin. His eyes lingered one second also on his buttocks, whose outline was perfectly brought out by the skinny jeans he was wearing.

The click of the hood opening startled Castiel and pulled him out of his daydream. Dean stood up, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand and returned in front of the car. He lifted the hood, blocked it so it wouldn't fall on him and then watched the engine with an interested look.

Castiel should probably have been worried that his companion might be unable to start the car and that they might be forced to wait for hours until someone deigns to pass on the road. But he couldn't worry about all this when he was admiring the way Dean's clothes seemed to stick to his skin, highlighting the perfection of his body.

It was a distraction that would eventually undoubtedly cost him a lot. However, he was unable to look away and he allowed himself to contemplate the young man as he leaned over the engine. He realized he was talking to him only when Dean straightened up to glare at him.

"Are you listening or what?"

Castiel tore himself from his contemplation and felt his cheeks blush. He eventually shook his head and Dean let out a long sigh of annoyance.

"Okay, I repeat my question. When was your last visit to a garage?"

Castiel would have liked to be able to answer immediately but he had to delve into his memories to find the answer to his question. He assumed that it was not a good thing that he fails to remember it easily. He had never really paid attention to the health of his car. As long as it worked, he was satisfied. Mechanics was a mystery to him. And he had never been interested in it.

"One year… maybe two years ago." He eventually answered.

At the face that made his companion, he knew it was not the answer he expected. He bit his lip for a second, a little ashamed. Dean shook his head.

"No wonder she ended up dying on us. This car is a wreck." He observed, turning in his attention on the engine.

"So you can't do anything about it?"

Dean shrugged and leaned over the engine, his arms crossed and pressed against the hot metal.

"I didn't say I couldn't do anything but… I don't perform miracles either. However, if she agrees to restart, we'll have to make a detour to a garage worthy of the name and have her checked. I can't believe you haven't done that before."

Castiel remained silent. He knew he was at fault and he didn't particularly want to make matters worse by trying to defend himself. He took a sip of his water and then threw the bottle on the driver's seat through the open window.

"Do you at least have tools?" Dean asked after a few seconds of silence.

Castiel nodded and went back rummaging through his trunk. He took out a tool kit that the former owner of the car had left him the day he had bought the vehicle. He then brought it to Dean and watched the young man crouch to rummage inside. He took out several tools which Castiel didn't know the utility before refocusing on the engine. Castiel then tore himself from his contemplation and watched the landscape around them. Everything was incredibly quiet in the area. There was no other sound than that of birds singing. It was a perfect place to enjoy the sun. Or being attacked without witnesses. Castiel swallowed hard. They were surrounded by cornfields and trees. They had not passed any house since they had taken this road and it was obvious that no one would come to their rescue any time soon. Dean was their only chance to get out of here. Castiel crossed his fingers for him to finally find the source of the breakdown.

"You worked in a garage right?" He asked to break the silence around them.

Dean seemed busy unscrewing something and he did not answer immediately. Castiel leaned against the driver's door and surveyed in front of him, somewhere in the corn field.

"Bobby didn't have a garage strictly speaking… more a kind of junkyard. But I've sometimes worked on some of his cars. It's incredibly exciting to start from scratch and successfully rebuilding a car from nothing. And I've also happened to work here and there in garages since I left… I'm not a professional but I get by."

Castiel nodded, relieved that his companion was more useful than himself in such a situation. If he had been alone when his car had given away, he probably would have been stuck here for hours.

"I've never really taken an interest in all that… mechanics is… it's something I don't understand." He confessed, wiping his forehead.

It was incredibly hot and there were no clouds on the horizon. It was a beautiful day.

"You were decided on a career in medicine. It's not really different. The human body is a machine like the others, isn't it?" Dean said, continuing what he was doing in the engine.

Castiel acquiesced. The comparison was indeed adequate. The human body functioned more or less like a car engine. A mechanic and a doctor had similar professions in the end. They just didn't have the same tools and the same things to be repaired.

"Maybe, but I never really started my medical studies. I stopped before entering the Faculty. I know a few things but it's only theoretical."

"Then it'd be best for me to not have a heart attack when I'm alone with you."

"It would be preferable." Castiel commented, smiling.

He had learned the first aid techniques and he was able to do heart massage and mouth-to-mouth. But he doubted he could save anyone in such a situation. He turned back to Dean again and let his gaze wander on the back and then the buttocks of the young man. He was incorrigible. A hopeless case.

"Who taught you all that?" He eventually asked.

Dean stood up and wiped his hands on his thighs. He then reached for a new tool before looking at Castiel.

"Mainly Bobby… my father a bit, too. He was a mechanic before."

 _Before_. Castiel would have liked to know before what. But he didn't ask. Dean would probably have refused to answer.

"You never planned to make it your job?"

Dean shrugged and grabbed the hem of his shirt to wipe his face. Castiel had time to see his flat and muscled stomach a few seconds before the fabric covers it again. He passed his tongue on his lips and he knew at the look Dean gave him that he had been spotted.

"Would have required me to do studies… to get a degree, and I haven't even finished high school. No… I'm a self-taught."

Castiel smiled then let Dean go back to what he was doing under the hood. They stayed in silence for long minutes before the young man decides to take the water bottle he had thrown on the driver seat to bring it to Dean. He didn't know what his companion had done of his own but he needed to drink. He risked sunstroke if he didn't properly hydrate himself.

"Thanks." Dean said, taking the bottle in his hand.

He took a long drink and Castiel could not help observing the few drops that escaped the bottle and rolled down his neck. Sometimes, he really hated himself. Because his body was a traitor and he could feel it tense appreciably. Okay. This was probably due to the heat.  _Keep thinking that Castiel… if that makes you feel better_ , he thought to himself.

"Okay, can you try to restart?" Dean asked.

Castiel nodded and did as his companion asked. The engine emitted a kind of cough but refused to start. Dean swore under his breath and Castiel sighed deeply.

"If it's the battery, we're screwed. We'd need alligator clips and another car to restart her… even then, it would be temporary."

Castiel had no idea what were alligator clips but he nodded to indicate to his companion he had heard him. He then straightened up and came place himself beside the young man. He watched the engine for long seconds, fascinated by the set of cables and casings which formed the heart of a car. This was clearly complex and he had admiration for those who understood something about this mess. Dean leaned again over the hood and began to touch several parts with a concentrated look. Castiel felt totally helpless and it frustrated him at the highest point. He wondered what was the point of having done four years of study he was unable to get by in everyday life. He had long been a helpless person, having recourse to external assistance every time something didn't work. He was totally unable to fend for himself. Dean, him, seemed to know what he was looking for.

"It may be that the engine has just overheated. The radiator is burning and if it's too old, it may not be doing its job of cooling. Gimme the water bottle."

Dean could have spoken in Greek to him, Castiel wouldn't have made a distinction. He heard the words the young man uttered but found no meaning to them. He contented himself to do what he was asked and handed him the water bottle. Dean opened it and poured some on a device on his left. Smoke immediately gushed and the young man quickly moved his face back.

"Okay, it may be that." He commented.

Castiel nodded even though he still didn't understand what was positive about what was happening before his eyes. He eventually turned his back to the engine and took some steps in front of him.

"You know, I find it all fascinating." He said to his companion, stepping a bit more away from him.

"What do you find fascinating?"

Castiel made an about-turn and immediately regretted his decision. At this distance, he was at the perfect place to admire the body of Dean, the sweat darkening the clear fabric of his shirt, the way his jeans seemed to stick to his buttocks, or his strong bowlegs. He had the feeling of being a voyeur. But he could not help looking. He lost for a second the thread of his thoughts before remembering Dean had asked him a question and it was best to answer.

"You… the fact that you're here and you can do something for my car."

"And how is it fascinating?"

Castiel smiled, thrusting his hands in his pockets. He was too hot and he could feel his hair sticking to his forehead. It probably would have been more prudent to take refuge inside the car to shelter from the sun. But if Dean could bear to be exposed to it, Castiel refused to hide from it.

"If I hadn't meet you and my car had given away in the middle of nowhere, I would have been stuck. But you're here and… it's almost as if fate was giving me a little help and was encouraging me in my choices."

"Oh, fate? You really believe in that crap?"

There was derision in Dean's tone but no aggressiveness. Castiel had never really thought about these things. He had no time to examine subjects that his parents considered "trivial" when he had studies to do and practical problems to solve. Castiel believed in God. This was partly due to his education. His parents were extremely believers and practicing. They went together to Mass every Sunday. Castiel had listened priests explain to him for hours and hours of that nothing was due to chance and that everything that happened before their eyes was the will of God. They were not free to choose. They were guided by a superior force. But Castiel doubted that God was responsible for the presence of Dean in his life. He would never have tolerated that a man openly bisexual and obviously adept of sadomasochism was his guide on the road he had taken. And if the Lord was not the one who had put Dean in his way, then there was nothing left but fate to point at. Castiel did not know if he really believed in it but it was an idea that appealed to him.

"I don't know if I really believe in it but… it's comforting to think that you were destined to cross my path and that we are here together because we have things to offer to each other."

Dean poured water again under the hood of the car and Castiel wondered for a second what God would think of the way he had to look greedily at the body of his companion. He was probably disapproving.

"Maybe it is… but I think it's just that, precisely. A way to comfort ourselves. A possibility to think that, whatever way we act, we couldn't have done anything to prevent this from happening to us. It's a way to clear your name of all the terrible things we've done in the past. It's a little easy in my opinion."

Castiel found Dean's reasoning sensible although somewhat depressive. He was ready to argue when the young man swore violently under his breath, cutting him in his tracks. Dean had straightened up and was shaking his hand before him. When Castiel came at his level, he found that his companion's hand was bleeding profusely.

"Hey Dean, are you okay?" He asked immediately.

The young man was wincing in pain and still shaking his hand. Castiel then grabbed his wrist to observe the wound. It was not very deep but it was relatively long. It put a line through the palm of the hand of the young man from his thumb to his little finger. And the blood was still flowing.

"Okay, I will… I'm going to clean that." He explained.

He released the wrist of Dean then rushed to the back of the car. He grabbed his first aid kit and a new water bottle. When he returned to his companion, he had closed the hood and was seated on it. He had put his arm on his legs, his injured palm up. He seemed to suffer.

"It's no big deal, you know… I've had worse." Dean commented.

Castiel knew he had to live far more traumatic experiences than his cut on the hand. You only had to see the condition of his chest and his back to know that. But Castiel refused to see the wound fester. They would then be forced to stop at the hospital to treat it and he doubted that Dean likes the attention he would receive in such a place. So he paid no attention to the protests of his companion and put his first aid kit next to the thigh of the young man to open it.

"I know it's not serious but that doesn't prevent me from looking. So please, stop complaining."

Dean looked away and Castiel began pouring water on his hand to be able to see the wound properly. He then took out disinfectant and sprayed it on a sterile compress. He looked up at his companion.

"It's gonna sting." He warned him.

He then pressed the compress against the wound and waited a few seconds that the disinfectant has done its job. He then withdrew it and placed it on the hood next to the first-aid kit. He took another look at the wound. It was not really serious, but it could have required stitches. He however didn't point it out to Dean, already knowing that the latter would categorically refuse to see a doctor.

"I'm going to bandage it and you'll have to clean it regularly, okay?"

He got no response and looked up again to see his companion's face. He was obstinately looking to the side, his lower lip trapped between his teeth and his cheeks were slightly red. He didn't actually seemed to suffer but something was embarrassing him. Castiel wanted to ask him what was going on but he was pretty sure he wasn't going to like the answer.

"Oh yes… hem… okay… good. Thanks Cas." Dean stammered, substantially moving his legs.

Castiel frowned and grabbed a bandage in the first aid kit and wrapped it around the hand of his companion. He did his best to ignore the heat emitted by Dean's body and the strange way he had to move on the car hood. He was visibly uncomfortable. Castiel didn't understand what could happen in his head.

"Dean, can you please try to stay still?" He asked, annoyed by the strange behavior of his companion.

He had almost finished the bandage when Dean suddenly jumped from the hood, nearly making him fall down. He slammed his injured hand against his chest and quickly walked away from Castiel. The latter followed him with his eyes, shocked by his behavior. He wanted to protest, but Dean didn't seem willing to listen. He was walking up and down on the road, head down and panting. Castiel watched him, looking for any explanation for what had happened. It was only when his eyes slid down his chest to check that his bandage was still in place, and that they stopped at his crotch that he finally understood the problem. Dean was excited. Physically very excited. This was evident with the particularly skinny jeans he was wearing. And it was not only due to the proximity of Castiel when he had nursed him. This was consecutive to the pain caused by the wound to his hand. The young man had yet assured him that he didn't have a ball in suffering. Obviously, he had not been totally honest on this point.

"Oh you…" Castiel started before falling silent.

He found nothing more to say at what was an extremely embarrassing situation for his companion. He doubted that the latter may need to be reassured. And Castiel was unable to find the right words. He did not understand how one could be aroused by pain. How someone could have this kind of reaction by cutting their hand?

"It's just… the heat and all." Dean affirmed, turning his back to him.

But they both knew that the sun which was still beating down over their heads was in no way responsible for his condition. Castiel could play the game and pretend he believed the lie of his companion. However, he had a chance to know a little more about what was going on in the head of the young man and he was eager to seize it. He only hoped that Dean would be cooperative. And that himself would he be able to master his emotions. For seeing Dean aroused in this way had an effect on him. He couldn't deny it.

"Is it because you hurt yourself?" He eventually dared to ask.

Dean slowly turned to him, his injured hand tight against his chest, his other arm oddly pressed against his crotch.

"No… no, I told you, I don't… it's not something I enjoy."

It was another lie and for a second, Castiel couldn't help thinking about the scars. Were they the result of the sexual practices of his companion? Had they been inflicted with his consent? No. Dean had cried when showing him and it was not only because he was ashamed. They reminded him awful memories.

"Dean, I just need to understand and you don't have to be ashamed of anything. Everyone finds pleasure wherever they want." He assured.

Dean looked down at his feet and seemed to take a few seconds to think about what to say. Castiel did not understand that one could take pleasure in suffering. Sex was supposed to bring pleasure to people. Not pain. But he knew that many people liked to mix the two sensations. He had just never met anyone before Dean who did anything like this.

"It's just… it's not always like that. I swear I don't like to really being hurt. I don't like to bleed. I just… I need it at times. It never goes beyond a spanking or a bit brutal penetration. I don't want to be hit for hours. And my hand it's…"

He paused and looked up to fix the field in front of him. Castiel could feel the sweat running down his neck into his back and the heat was seriously beginning to make him feel bad. But he was not lying when he said to his companion that he wanted to understand what could trigger such reactions in him. He really wanted to solve this mystery. Although he doubted one day be able to enjoy this type of experience.

"I'm not ashamed of what I like. When I cut myself, I didn't feel anything special except pain… believe me. Hurting myself to the hand had nothing exciting. But then, you had to touch me and to… to be kind and with the heat and… the two combined… the pain of the cut and the softness of your fingers, I…"

"You couldn't help it."

Castiel was beginning to grasp the mechanism of the sexual preferences of Dean. He didn't have a blast simply by suffering. It was the pain combined to the contact with another man that had made him react this way. He liked to mingle a bit of pain to pleasure. But he also needed tenderness. Castiel couldn't help being relieved.

"I'm not saying that it's because you were the one to touch me that I had that reaction."

Dean was maybe not trying to be hurtful but his words were not necessarily very pleasant to hear.

"Okay, thanks for the compliment." Castiel hastened to reply, grimacing.

He was aware of not being as attractive as Dean. He knew he wasn't sufficiently muscular and that his face didn't have the delicate features of his companion. He had always loved his eyes of a very clear blue. He had often been complimented on it. But Castiel had no illusions. He didn't play in the same category as the young man.

"It's not… Cas, please… You know full well that this is not what I meant." Dean said, stepping in his direction.

His arousal was a little less obvious than a few minutes ago but it was still visible. Castiel cursed himself to feel the need to check at regular intervals.

"You're very attractive and… your eyes are incredible. You have a perfect body and… your mouth… I swear your mouth is wonderful. As for your voice… it's made to give chills to those who hear it. It's not that I don't find you very sexy and attractive… it's just that I don't want you to think that… I have thoughts about you."

"You find me attractive but you'd refuse to sleep with me." Castiel summed up, still hurt.

He didn't understand the reasoning of his companion. If they liked each other, they had no reason to hesitate. They should already have had sex. They should even do it all the time. Because Castiel didn't ask Dean to engage in a relationship with him. He knew it was impossible. He wouldn't say, however, no to a bit of sex.

"No, I refuse to ask you to do what I need because it's not you… this is not what you like." Dean corrected.

Castiel was tempted to tell him he was wrong and that he was ready to try this experiment. He was ready to do anything to get what he wanted. But he knew he would never be able to be totally comfortable if Dean asked him to rough him or insult him. He was not the kind of man to like dominating his partners. He much preferred to show himself tender and delicate.

"I just need a few minutes to regain a semblance of calm, okay? You should… you should try to start the car while I regain my composure."

Castiel was not against the idea of moving a bit away from his companion. He needed to put distance between himself and the object of his desire. He knew that temptation would always be there. He spent his days in the company of young man. But he refused to watch any longer the sight that he presented when he was excited like that. It was more than what Castiel felt able to bear. He finally nodded and returned the car's driver side. He turned the key in the ignition and smiled when the engine agreed to start. He straightened up, smiling, and then turned back to Dean. The young man was again turned to the fields, but he seemed much calmer now. He had let his arms fall along his body and his breathing had returned to a normal rhythm.

"You may not perform miracles but you're damned good!" Castiel exclaimed, relieved at the thought that they were finally able to leave.

He knew that being locked in the car with Dean after what had happened would probably not be easy. But he wanted to leave this place and try to forget what he had just witnessed.

"Don't get ahead of yourself Cas… it's temporary. We gotta get her checked by a professional ASAP."

Castiel nodded before watching Dean collect the tools that were lying on the floor and store everything correctly. The young man then did the same with the first aid kit. He put everything in the trunk and then moved to the passenger seat. Castiel waited to hear the door slam to get behind the wheel. He drove into the road again, his smile firmly in place on his face.

"We should stop in Kansas City to find a mechanic and spend the night over there." Dean claimed, wiping his face covered in sweat with his non-bandaged hand.

Castiel was ready to accept anything as long as they finally left this deserted road which had covered one of the most awkward moments they had shared since they knew each other. Kansas City could not be very far and they were in need of some rest after all the emotions that they had lived. And Castiel was dreaming of a good shower. Preferably cold. He well might have kept control over his body, he was nevertheless still a bit troubled by what he had seen. Beside him, Dean seemed fascinated by the landscape that was passing through the passenger window.

"You are from Kansas, aren't you?" Castiel asked after a few seconds of silence.

Dean didn't turn his head towards him but he answered immediately.

"Lawrence yes."

"Oh, I think I saw a sign indicating the entrance of the town before we take this detour and…"

Castiel paused, realizing that his companion had deliberately taken this road when they were about to enter the town where he was born. The young man had then said that he preferred to avoid the main roads and the other road users but it was clear now that he had above all wanted to avoid driving across Lawrence. Castiel immediately wondered why. But he didn't ask. He knew that once again, he would get no response.

"Kansas City isn't far." He eventually said.

Dean had probably understood that he had unveiled his secret. But he did not seek to justify or defend himself. He just looked at the landscape that was passing before his eyes, letting the air lash his face. Castiel forced himself to keep his eyes on the road. If his companion had voluntarily chosen not to go through Lawrence, it was undoubtedly because he had his reasons. He remembered the young man had told him that he had lived there only four years. It was too little to consider Lawrence as his town. As his home. Undoubtedly he had no ties. Or too many bad memories.

"I wonder if we could find out there one of those strange museums that highlight local stuff that nobody cares about." Castiel said to lighten the mood.

He got no reply and dropped the idea of making conversation with Dean. He turned on the car radio instead and chose a station that was broadcasting old classic rock. He began to follow the beat of the music with the fingertips and wiped from his mind all the questions that were playing in a loop for several minutes. He was with a man he liked to consider as his friend in the middle of the United States, far from his family and his obligations. He had actually every reason to be happy. He felt free. Of course, the secrets that Dean hid inevitably weighed between them. Their relationship could never flourish if the young man refused to confide more often. But Castiel had decided to deal with. He easily guessed that the past of his companion must be filled with bad memories and painful experiences. He was fleeing for a year now those who had hurt him. He had scars all over his body and obvious traumas that prevented him from leading a normal life. Castiel found him fascinating. He saw him as a complex puzzle of which he had to assemble parts while ignoring what picture he would discover in the end. It was exciting and also terrifying. It was nothing like what Castiel had imagined living when he had left home.

The fresh air coming through the open window made him a world of good. It had allowed him to put his ideas in order and put out the fire that seemed to have seized him when he had realized that Dean was excited. If Castiel put aside what had aroused his companion, he realized how the young man was handsome when he was in this state. His eyes shone. His face took on a red tint that made him adorable. Castiel already knew that this image would pursue him for several days. He had material to build his next fantasy. And even if he was sometimes ashamed to use Dean for his masturbation sessions, he could not deny that he had never had orgasms as powerful that since he thought of him while doing it. It was probably twisted. It probably made him a pervert. But he still couldn't help himself. He would possibly end up getting tired of it. He doubted that.

"You mind if I sleep?" Dean asked, pulling Castiel out of his daydreams.

The latter immediately shook his head before casting a glance at his companion. He had crossed his arms over his chest and had noticeably sunk on his seat. He seemed indeed exhausted. He already had his eyes closed and seemed about to fall asleep. Castiel wondered a second if his friend was trying to escape a potential conversation with him by falling asleep. Maybe he just wanted to forget the shame he had felt a few minutes ago. Castiel didn't care because he found it extremely soothing to feel Dean at his side, to listen to his deep breathing when he was asleep in the passenger seat and to let the warmth of his body invading his own. It was something he could well be satisfied with until the end of the trip. Something he would have difficulty to do without if indeed he should be deprived of from one day to the next. He was determined to do everything so that his companion remained at his side. He really liked what they had. Although he would probably continue to dream of more. To imagine better. Or to hope that his prayers were finally heard by whoever had put Dean in his way.


	8. Alcoholic Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Here's the 8th chapter. We learn once again more about Dean's past and we finally get the name of the person he loved.
> 
> Be careful, short sexual scene.
> 
> Happy reading and a thousand times thank you to read me and to write to me.
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> Alibi by 30 Seconds to Mars
> 
> Warnings: brief explicit sexual scene, self-harm, drunkness, bad head-space, implied flashbacks and recurrence of past trauma, mention of suffered tortures, brief mention of character death

" _Drink loosens the tongue, but it also opens the heart to a moral quality: frankness_ "

Emmanuel Kant

 

Castiel should have been sleeping. He should have been lying in bed, sitting comfortably under the blankets to gain strength for the road they had to travel the next day. But he wasn't resting. Neither was he in his room nor in bed. He was kneeling in the bathroom of Dean's room, watching over him and making sure he would not drown.

Nothing had prepared him for the state in which he had found his companion in the middle of the night. A few days earlier, they had dropped off the car of Castiel at the garage in Kansas City and were since blocked in this city until the local mechanic has received the spare parts he needed. Dean had seemed particularly bothered by the thought. Castiel suspected that it had something to do with the proximity of Lawrence, his hometown. Forty-or-so kilometers were separating them from where Dean had spent the first four years of his existence.

They had spent their first day in the city to stroll the streets and enjoy the exceptional weather they had. They had returned together in the evening and had shared a pizza while watching TV. The next day, they had taken the bus for a ride to the next town. They had come back late at night after a pleasant evening in a bar where they had played pool. On the third day, Dean had insisted to go see if the mechanic had progressed on repairs. They had then enjoyed the sun by moving to a city park where they had spent long hours reading and discussing. On the fourth day, Dean had seemed in high spirits. They had together visited a museum supposed to praise the merits of organic farming (Dean had joked a lot on the subject) and then spent a few hours in the city center shops to buy some clothes. At night, Dean had informed Castiel that he wanted to go out alone and the young man had let him do, aware of what it meant.

He had spent the evening waiting without really wanting to know when his companion would return. He had sometimes watched out through the window, hoping to see him, and sometimes made especially sure not to be able to see what was happening outside. Night had eventually fallen and Castiel had taken a long shower that had in no way managedto calm him. He had tried to watch TV and then tried to finish his book. He had never managed to focus. He had ended up lying on his bed and waiting patiently for sleep to seize him.

He was upset by the will of his companion to go out alone and angry against the fact that it bothers him. He had no right over Dean. He couldn't control his whereabouts and should have been happy for him. But he was jealous. He would have liked to be able to go out by himself to find a man to take back to his hotel room. He had hesitated to do this several times. But he had renounced every time. He didn't want a one-night stand for now. Or at least not with a stranger he would never see again. Not as long as Dean was the only person he had in mind.

Castiel spent long minutes to plan the next day. But his brain constantly brought him back to his companion. Was Dean with a man or a woman? Would he come back here or go to the place of the person he would choose? Castiel shouldn't ask all those questions to himself. He especially shouldn't think about what his companion was doing.

It was easier said than done. He didn't know how to get Dean of his head. He had tried several times. But the young man always came back to haunt him. He only had to smile or chew the cap of a pen for Castiel's fantasies to return full force. He had developed a real obsession for the mouth of his companion. And he was tired of having to share him. Even if he had no right to reproach it to Dean. Or to the persons who shared his bed. Castiel was the only one to blame.

It was past midnight when a loud noise attracted the attention of the latter in the next room. Dean's room. Castiel sat up in bed and kept his ears open. He knew now that his companion had returned. But he wasn't sure he had returned alone... or accompanied. A new thud startled him. He had the feeling that someone was hiting the wall forcefully. It was possible. After all Dean had specific sexual preferences and it was very likely that the man with whom he was has decided to slam him against the wall violently. Castiel took a deep breath as his body tensed at the thought. He closed his eyes and listened carefully again. For long seconds, there was nothing but silence. He was about to lie down again when he heard a new sound. Castiel was quite ready to respect the preferences of his companion. He did not intend to meddle in his sex life. Unless he was invited to take part in it. Which of course was not likely to happen. He had therefore chosen to make sure not to think about it. It was a failure. A terrible failure.

He had to accept that the young man liked things done loudly and violently. He had to ignore the noises. Although they said a lot about his evening activities. He was most likely with a man. And he was certainly having a great time. Castiel should have done likewise. He should have enjoyed being finally free to fully experience things.

But instead, he was sitting on his bed listening to the sounds coming from the room of Dean. The sounds of his companion making love. And he was taking pleasure in it if the reactions of his body were any indication. He lay back on the bed and slipped a hand in his shorts. He was pathetic. If his parents could see him, they would probably spit in his face. If Dean could see him, he would undoubtedly run for his life. But Castiel couldn't do anything about it. He closed his hand around his sex and focused on the sounds that now succeeded one another in the room of his companion. He had the impression it was the headboard banging against the wall. Which meant they were at the most interesting part. He could easily imagine Dean, on all fours on the bed, a man clutching his hips and coming and going in him without restraint. He could see his face twisting under the influence of pleasure, his hands gripping the bedspread. Castiel quickened the pace of his wrist, biting his lip to keep from moaning. When the noise on the other side of the wall became even more violent, Castiel felt his orgasm pierce into him and he came in his hand with violence. He arched his back and could not suppress a little cry of pleasure. He then fell back on the bed and took a few seconds to regain normal breathing. On the other side of the wall, he heard a cry before hearing another thud. The silence settled and then Castiel let out a long sigh. Obviously, Dean had reached in his turn the point of no return. He still pricked up his ears. It was only when he heard another cry that looked really like a sob that he realized his mistake. He frowned while the sobbing of his companion became more and more violent. Castiel jumped out of bed and quickly pulled on sweat pants without bothering to clean himself. He went out of his bedroom, rushing, and pushed the door to that of Dean. It was open. Castiel went inside and saw Dean to the ground, lying in the fetal position, his hands stuck against his body. He was crying loudly. He was alone. Castiel closed the door behind him, panicked. He had been a perfect idiot. He should have intervened sooner. But he had preferred to masturbate thinking about what Dean could be doing rather than checking that he was alright.

"Dean" He called.

The young man didn't reply. Castiel then looked around and immediately noticed the hole in the wall to his left. Dean hadn't been slammed against it. The headboard was not responsible for the successive noises he had heard. The young man had hit the wall often and strongly enough to cause such damage. He had then fallen to the ground and started to cry. Castiel wanted to throw up. He was furious against himself and hated himself for what he had just done.

"Dean, talk to me." He demanded.

He only got new sobs. Castiel took a deep breath and then knelt beside the young man. Then he glimpsed the empty vodka bottle lying beside him. Clearly, Dean had decided to party alone. And he was paying the price. Why hadn't he come find Castiel? What could have pushed him to get himself into such a state? Castiel put his hands on the shoulders of the young man and helped him to turn on his back. He then grabbed his wrists and brought his hands to his own face to observe his fingers. Several of his knuckles were scratched. Some deeper than others. There were two bruises that were beginning to form on his hands. He could well have something broken. Some of his fingers were terribly swollen. Castiel had to react. He had to do something.

"Okay, Dean, you have to tell me how much alcohol you drank and if you feel pain anywhere."

Dean seemed conscious but was obviously unable to speak. He was still crying loudly without worrying that Castiel could see him. The latter was feeling bad for him. He wanted to take him in his arms and hold him against himself until his sorrow disappears. But he could not simply do that. He had to act. He took a few seconds to think and then watched Dean who was still shaken by sobs. His face was covered in tears and sweat. The young man was totally drunk and when Castiel touched his forehead with the back of his hand, he realized that he was also boiling hot. He had to bring his temperature down. There was only one solution. He had to put him in the bathtub. Castiel stood up and went into the bathroom. He ran cold water and then went back to Dean. He grabbed the young man to get him back on his feet. Castiel was not particularly muscled and his companion was heavy and didn't seem determined to help. He managed nonetheless to get him up and guided him to the bathroom by holding him by the waist and making him lean against his side.

"Okay, I'll take care of you Dean… everything will be fine for you, I promise." Whispered Castiel when crossing the door of the bathroom.

He pushed Dean into sitting on the toilet seat and knelt before him. He checked his temperature again and frowned, noting that his companion was still burning up. He then looked at his hands, then put his own on the knees of the young man and looked him in the eye. Dean was no longer crying, but his gaze was into space and he did not seem to be completely aware of the presence of Castiel.

"You must get into this bathtub to bring down your temperature and then… then I'll take care of your hands. I will clean and bandage them and… Dean, please, do you hear me?"

Castiel was completely lost. He'd never had to deal with such situations. He didn't really know what he was doing. But he was determined to help Dean. He took a deep breathe and nodded.

"Okay, I'm going to undress you, alright?"

He felt the need to explain to his companion that he was about to do. He feared that when Dean would snap out of it, his reaction wouldn't be good when he'd realize he had been stripped down and immersed in a bathtub full of cold water. Castiel knew he was acting for his own good. But he didn't necessarily want to get on the wrong side of Dean.

"Here we go." Castiel encouraged himself.

He began by removing the socks of the young man and then got going on his shirt. Almost immediately, his eyes fixed on the scars that barred his companion's chest. They were still as impressive and terrifying. Dean had his head down now but he wasn't protesting. He was letting himself be pushed around without contributing. Castiel tore his eyes off his chest and unbuttoned the jeans of the young man before lowering his fly. He then grabbed the edges and bent to look Dean in the eye.

"I'm gonna need your help." He pointed out.

His companion frowned, his eyes seeming to focus on the face of Castiel. He then placed his hands on his shoulders and put weight on it to substantially rise from the toilet seat. Castiel took the opportunity to remove his pants and boxer briefs. He slid them down his legs before throwing them in a corner of the bathroom. He then got to his feet and helped Dean to do the same. He guided him to the bathtub, maneuvered him for long seconds to bring him in, then forced him to sit in the cold water. Dean didn't react immediately, but after a few seconds spent in the water, he seemed to come out of his drowsiness and yelped. Castiel immediately grabbed him by the shoulders to prevent him from getting out of the tub.

"Cas…" Dean whispered, looking at him.

Castiel nodded without releasing the shoulders of the young man. He was having trouble to focus on anything other than the fact that his companion was naked in the bathtub and that it was possible for him to see all of him - absolutely all - just by looking down. He hadn't had such ideas when he had had to undress Dean. He was too frightened by the condition of the young man to think of something else. But now that his companion was slowly coming back to himself, he could no longer ignore that he was naked before him. Naked and absolutely drunk. Castiel swallowed hard.

"I'm here Dean… you had a fever and I had… I had to bring your temperature down."

"'m cold." muttered the young man whose body began to shake.

Castiel then put his hand on his forehead to control his temperature. He was a little cooler than before getting into the bathtub but Castiel did not want to take risks. He preferred for the young man to stay again a few minutes in the water as a precaution.

"I know but it's for your own good." He maintained.

Dean nodded. He was somewhat better now but his gaze was still hazy. Alcohol was undoubtedly in great part resonsible for it. Castiel slid his hand from his forehead to his cheek. He brushed it a second from the tip of the thumb. Dean looked at him, shivering violently.

"Cas, please, stop…" He begged.

Castiel was not sure what his companion wanted him to stop. As a precaution and to avoid the risk of disturbing even more the young man, he withdrew his hand from his cheek. To his great surprise, Dean grabbed his arm and offered his cheek for Castiel to touche him again.

"No, not that… not that… the cold, I… I swear I'll behave… I'll do everything you want but please don't hurt me anymore." Dean stammered.

Castiel frowned. Obviously, the young man saw what his companion had done to him as a punishment. He didn't understand that Castiel was doing that for his own good. It was time for him to get him out. It was useless to try to explain to him. He was not in a fit state to understand and think.

"Okay, Dean, everything's alright… I'll help you out." He whispered, standing up.

He grabbed one of the motel towels placed at their disposal and handed it to him. He then watched Dean try and fail to get to his feet. He was too weak and too drunk to find the strength to rise. Which implied that Castiel helps him. And touches him on sensitive areas. He wasn't sure to be able to do so. However, he didn't really have a choice. He had to act as an adult and set aside his almost obsessive attraction to his companion. Dean needed help and Castiel was the only person present to provide him some.

"I'll have to… touch you to help you on your feet. Is it okay?"

Dean weakly nodded. He had brought his arms against himself, probably trying to warm himself up. He was still shaking and his eyes were clouded by alcohol. Castiel took a deep breath and put down the towel he was holding in his hands before leaning over his companion. He forced himself to keep his eyes on the face of the latter and not on his chest covered with scars or anything that was below his waist. He didn't either allow himself be distracted by the tattoos that he could glimpse through the water. He grabbed Dean under his arms and began to lift him. The young man helped somewhat and after a few seconds, Castiel manages to make him stand. He kept an arm around him and searched the towel with his free hand. When he finally caught it, Dean had stopped trembling. He was hardly standing and seemed about to fall. Castiel put the towel around his shoulders. He then helped him out of the tub and took another towel that he tied around his waist. He then let out a long sigh and led his companion outside the bathroom. He had him sit on the bed and finally released him.

"Cas?" Dean called.

Castiel gave him a small smile and walked away to get dry clothes in his bag. When he returned to him, the young man was wiping his chest with the towel that was placed on his shoulders. Castiel watched him for a second, fascinated by what he was seeing. Dean seemed particularly delicate when he rubbed the scars that covered his skin. Especially with the burns that extended over his pecs. Castiel wondered if they were still sensitive. They seemed old and healed for a while now. But it could be that the young man still feels pain when touching them.

"You should get dressed or you'll catch cold." Explained Castiel, finally kneeling before Dean and handing him his clothes.

The young man looked up at him and seemed surprised to find him there. He stopped rubbing his chest with the towel and dropped it at his feet. He took his shirt with a trembling hand and gently put it on. Castiel watched the scars disappear under the fabric and looked away when Dean got started on the towel tied to his waist. He then grabbed the boxer brief that Castiel was still holding out and bent down to move his feet through the holes. When he began to pull it up, he nearly fell forward. Castiel immediately grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him back to make him lie. Dean didn't protest. He was extremely weak and obviously, alcohol made each of his gestures more complicated that they should have been. Castiel then grabbed the edge of the boxer brief and slowly pulled it up along the legs of his companion. When he managed to pass above his knees, he looked up at his companion. He probably shouldn't have. His eyes fell immediately on his crotch and for a second, he was unable to look away. He blamed himself almost immediately but he couldn't help it. Dean did not seem aware of the way he had to look at him and Castiel felt worse yet. He had the sensation of being a pervert, using the weakness of his prey in order to satisfy his guilty desires. He tore himself away from his contemplation when he was finally able to, and pulled the boxer brief on the thighs of his companion. Dean raised significantly hips to help him and Castiel managed to put the shorts in place without touching the young man on sensitive areas. When he was done, he got up and grabbed Dean's legs to make him lie properly on the bed. He then sat on the edge and took the injured hand of the young man in his own. He was still bleeding but the wounds weren't as deep as he had feared. He thought however that one of the young man's fingers was broken. He would probably have to go for an X-ray. He doubted that Dean would be enthusiastic about this idea. Castiel rested his hand on his stomach and went into the bathroom to retrieve something to treat his wounds. He took in passing one of the pens that the hotel put at their disposal and then settled back on the bed.

"I'm going to treat your hand now." He explained to keep Dean informed of what was happening.

He didn't really know if the young man was listening or not but he felt the need to keep him informed. He particularly didn't want to frighten or surprise him. Dean seemed to have been afraid of him when he was in the tub. Castiel didn't like the idea that his companion could be frightened by him.

"I think your forefinger is broken but I should be able to splint it. It would be preferable for you to go see a doctor... but in the meantime, it will save you from further injury."

Dean growled for a second and Castiel took this for an agreement on his part. He took his hand in his own and began to disinfect the wounds.

"He liked to flog me." Whispered Dean.

Castiel frowned and looked up at the face of his companion. He was watching the ceiling with eyes narrowed. His face was pale, highlighting the freckles on his nose and cheeks. He seemed deep in thought. And for a second, Castiel was not sure that he was talking to him. So he chose to say nothing and to continue treating his hand.

"He liked to flog me because it made me cry… he was always saying… you're so breautiful when you cry… you're so beautiful when you scream."

Castiel bit his lower lip to keep himself from asking questions. He didn't want to take advantage of the vulnerability of the young man to get informations. He should have told him to shut up and wait to be sober again to confide him this kind of things. But it was beyond him.

"Then he'd take me in his arms and congratulated me… you're brave, you're so brave and you're mine. I won't ever let nobody touch you. You're mine."

Castiel threw the worn compress on the floor and grabbed the pen he had placed on the bed. He sprayed it with disinfectant to clean it and then placed it against Dean's index finger. He then wrapped the two with bandage to make a kind of splint. His companion let him do without moving.

"Sometimes, he'd let me out… never for long… never… never for very long. But the sun was… 't was like coming alive again… like… but then, he'd bring me back there and start again. His knife thrusted into my skin and I screamed. It made him laugh. It made him…"

Dean paused for a second and Castiel thought he had fallen asleep. But the young man let out a small cry of pain when he was done bandaging his forefinger. He was obviously still awake. But he didn't seem to want to confide anymore. It was certainly better. Castiel didn't like what he heard. He wanted to know who could have hurt his companion so much. He wanted to know how he had managed to survive this. But he asked no questions. It was not fair towards Dean. He knew that the young man wouldn't have said anything if he had not been completely drunk.

"He liked that… pain… that's what turned him on I think… my pain… also that of others but especially mine. The more I cried, the more he continued. One day, I just… I kept silent and… he was so disappointed that he hit me until I pass out. Then, there was the fire and he…"

Castiel had finished treating Dean's wounds. He looked up from his hand and watched the young man's face instead.

"The fire was the worst. It was like when I was little… like the day mom… and Alas… he knew that."

"Alas" was clearly the beginning of the first name of the man who had hurt Dean. However Castiel had promised himself not to question him in this state, he couldn't help it. He grabbed the arm of his companion to signal his presence.

"Who did that to you Dean?" He asked.

Dean bit his lower lip for a second, visibly nervous, before looking Castiel in the eye.

"Him… Al… he was…"

Obviously, Dean could not pronounce his name. Castiel should not have insisted but now that he had gotten started, he had only one goal in mind. Get a name. It would probably serve no purpose. But he felt the need to know who could have make suffer his companion this much.

"Who was he?"

Dean shrugged and sighed deeply.

"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." Finally claimed the young man before smiling.

Castiel swore under his breath. He knew the reference, having read Harry Potter when he was younger. He doubted to get more from the young man now. The moment had passed. He closed his eyes and tried to swallow his disillusion. He jumped when he felt the hand of his companion on his shoulder. He turned his attention to him.

"He liked to mark my body… he liked the idea of leaving his mark on me. He wouda carved his name on my skin if he could. But he was afraid to be found. Afraid that someone eventually come get me and be able to identify him. He settled for the scars… he settled for all that… he knew I could never forget him. That I'll always wear his mark on my body and... that I'll belong to him forever. I think I still belong to him. Even after all that…"

"Dean, is this man searching for you?"

The young man looked away to watch the ceiling again. He seemed to think for long seconds, visibly perturbed by the question. He eventually shook his head before putting a hand over his eyes.

"He doesn't need to… he… I know that I will always be his. I know that I'll belong to him my whole life. No matter what I'm doing now. I'll eventually return to him."

Castiel frowned, surprised by what he was hearing. Dean could not decently consider returning to a man who had hurt him so much. He was free now. And although Castiel had only a vague idea of the horrors he had lived, he knew with certainty that he hadn't consented to any. He didn't want to return to this man. He was simply terrified that over time, he eventually returns to what he had experienced. That for want of finding what he was seeking by traveling this way, he would decide to get nearer to what was familiar to him. Perhaps he suffered from Stockholm syndrome? Perhaps had he ended up developing feelings for his torturer?

"Benny always told me that I was stronger than I thought… stronger than what everyone thought except him… and… he was wrong… but for him, I… I decided to leave."

"Who's Benny?" Asked Castiel who heard this name for the first time.

Dean smiled sadly for a second before removing his hand from his face to resume his observation of the ceiling.

"The only person that I've loved… the only one I fell in love with." He answered softly.

Castiel remembered that his companion had confessed to have loved a person in his life. He had been in love with this Benny. But he talked about him in the past tense. Which suggested that he no longer had any feeling for him. Or that he was dead. Castiel would have bet it was the second option. He swallowed hard.

"Where is Benny today?" He asked, unable to hold back.

Dean chuckled one second but there was great sadness in his voice. Something harrowing. Castiel had guessed right. Benny was dead.

"He's gone… he's free. Away from it all… away from him."

It was not strictly speaking a satisfactory answer but Castiel knew it was the only one he would get. And it said a lot about what had happened. Dean seemed exhausted by his confession and the ingested alcohol. Castiel could not continue to question him like this. He had to let him sleep and regain his strength.

"I'm going to let you rest." He affirmed, getting up from the bed.

Dean then seized his arm in a quick and precise gesture that surprised Castiel.

"I don't want… I can't… stay with me please." The young man begged him.

Castiel probably should have refused. It was time for him to protect himself from his feelings for Dean that he continued to ignore with all his might. But the distress of his companion was unbearable. He couldn't abandon him now. He had no right to question him about his past and then leave him alone when he really needed him. He had sworn to help him and he well intended to do so. No matter the rest. He would certainly end up wounded. He knew it. One day he would suffer from the way Dean had to draw him to him before rejecting him again. He might even be heart broken. But he refused to turn his back on him yet.

"Okay, I'm staying." He finally agreed.

Dean rolled onto his side, his back turned to Castiel. The latter took a deep breath, ignored the frantic beating of his heart and lay behind his companion. He made sure that no part of his body touches the young man. He could be there for him but he was not strong enough to provide him some physical comfort. He dreaded more than anything what he could do in such circumstances.

"Benny loved me… I think he loved me." Dean confided after long seconds of silence.

Castiel nodded even though he hadn't known this man and he was unable to reassure his companion on this point.

"He wanted… several times he wanted to save me. But… what was between us, that was… for a year… we were always together but we couldn't… not in front of the others. I belonged to Al… I belonged to the man who employed him and… it was an every day fight. He was my only comfort. With him, I was alive."

Castiel nodded again unnecessarily. Dean couldn't see him. And he was pretty sure that the young man was not really addressing him. He seemed to be talking to himself.

"And then… nothing… silence. I thought I was dying and I gave up. I let A… I let him win. He hurt me so much… you have no idea."

Castiel had a vague idea of the horrors that Dean had been through. But he could only see the result of the injuries on his body. Those that this man had inflicted on his soul, his heart and his mind remained invisible. They weren't nonetheless excruciatingly painful. Castiel was begining to realize the extent of damage that this man had caused. He had literally destroyed the young man. And had undoubtedly deprived him of the person he loved. For how Dean talked about him, he suspected that Benny had been killed. Probably by the man who thought he could possess the young man.

"If you want me, Castiel, you can… you can take me you know."

Dean had said this with such detachment that Castiel had the feeling that this wasn't the first time he enunciated such words. He was afraid of what it could mean about his past. But he preferred not to wonder. He sighed deeply instead and moved substantially closer to his companion. He then put a hand on his hip.

"No, Dean. We're friends and I just want to be there for you if you need it."

It wasn't the whole truth of course. He really wanted the young man. But if, however, something had to happen between them - and he knew it would probably never be the case - he wanted it to be consented and wanted by both of them. Not just a way to relieve pressure or a twisted way to thank Castiel for his support. He was almost certain that others before him had not hesitated to seize this opportunity. But Castiel wasn't like them. He respected his companion too much to take advantage of his state.

"As you want." Dean whispered.

He seemed neither disappointed nor relieved. He still seemed as detached. Castiel then closed his eyes and took a deep breath. What could he do to help the young man to get better? He was only able to do so? He had never experienced anything comparable. He was totally lost. He opened his eyes and stared at Dean's neck for long seconds. He only tore his eyes away when he felt the young man move backwards until his back was pressed against his chest. He then grabbed Castiel's arm and passed it around his waist until his hand was pressed against his stomach.

"Benny used to tell me that we would eventually be happy together… that we would flee and find a place where nobody would know us and where we could live our lives freely. It was a nice idea… often helped to hold on when things were bad. Maybe it still follows me… I always thought it was partly for him that I continued to cross the US up and down… a bit like if I was looking for the place he had so often told me about. The one I don't know but that I'd still like to find. Although it lost all its interest without him at my side."

Castiel knew that alcohol had loosened considerably the tongue of his companion. He maybe should have told him to shut up and wait to have evacuated what he had drunk before choosing whether or not to tell the rest of his story. But he was fascinated by what he was hearing. Fascinated by the way he spoke of this man. He still had love for him. It was obvious.

"You think I'll find it someday?" Dean then asked.

Castiel was surprised by the question. He had no answer. He didn't know exactly what Benny had promised him when they were together. But he knew that the young man needed to be reassured. To be comforted. He smiled.

"I'm sure you will find it." He affirmed with conviction.

He felt Dean sigh deeply before tightening the hand that rested on his stomach. Castiel closed his eyes again and slightly tilted his head forward. He let his nose brush the hair on the back of the skull of his companion. He didn't know if this gesture was too intimate or if Dean would have allowed it in other circumstances but right now he didn't give a damn about it. He was upset by what he had heard and the obvious fragility of the young man. He needed this closeness to reassure himself in his turn.

"Thanks Cas." Dean then murmured.

The young man's voice betrayed his fatigue and the fact that he was about to fall asleep. Castiel chose to say nothing. He didn't have adequate words to make clear to his companion that he had no reason to thank him. He contented himself to stay still, his nose still buried in the hair of the young man, his hand trapped in his and pressed against his flat stomach. He repeated in his mind the events of the night and tried to replace all the pieces of the puzzle. He felt no jealousy towards Benny as he would have thought to feel when Dean had confessed having already been in love. On the contrary. He had admiration for this man who had probably sacrificed his life for that of his companion. He would have liked to thank him for having loved and helped him. For Castiel knew he owed him the presence of Dean at his side on this trip. Benny had probably saved the life of Dean. And the young man still loved him with all his heart. This was evident in the way he talked about him. He couldn't blame him. That explained his refusal to commit with anyone. That explained the passing men and women, only there to satisfy a need. There was no free place in the heart of Dean. Everything was occupied by Benny. And it was probably better that way. Castiel knew he had no chance to enter it otherwise than as a friend. It was already much. Having Dean's trust was more than he was entitled to expect given his painful past. The young man was free to come and go now. But somewhere, in his head and in his heart, he was still prisoner of the man who had made him suffer. Of the man who had snatched Benny of him. Castiel knew that his desire of permanent escape was due to his fear of falling back into his trap. Also due to his desire to find a place like the one Benny had described many times. A place where they could have been happy together, and where he had no chance to be happy alone. A place he needed to see to make sure that hope was permitted. That Benny hadn't lied. He would maybe find it someday. Castiel wished him to, with all his heart.

Dean was now gently snoring in front of him, his stomach rising at regular intervals to the rhythm of his calmed breathing. Castiel focused on it for long seconds. He knew there would undoubtedly be embarrassment when they would wake up. But for now, he needed rest to somewhat clear his mind. He inhaled deeply and let the smell of Dean fill his nostrils and wipe some of the stress accumulated so far. He fell asleep without really realizing it, exhausted by what he had experienced. He dreamed of the young man writhing in pain under the blows of a faceless man.


	9. A lie too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Here is the 9th chapter, I hope you'll enjoy it!
> 
> Thank you to continue to read me and to write to me.
> 
> Enjoy your reading,
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> What if you by Joshua Radin
> 
> Warnings: Swearing, language, mention and reference of drunkness and self-harm, mention of murders, mentions and references of past torture, firearms
> 
> Krohma's notes: So sorry about the late posting, I'm completely snowed under with work these days. Hopefuly this won't happen again! ^^
> 
> Enjoy your reading!

" _A lie is a bone thrown to others but which strangles you_ "

Unknown

 

Things had been strangely normal between them since the night they had spent in the same bed in Kansas City. Dean had at no time appeared embarrassed by what he had confessed to Castiel before falling asleep and the latter had the informations stored in a corner of his mind in case he would need it later. They didn't talk either about what had pushed Dean to drink as much and hit the wall to the point of breaking a finger. The young man agreed to go for an X-ray, which confirmed the diagnosis of Castiel and he walked back out of the hospital with a splint and a prescription for painkillers. The mechanic called them two days later to tell them that their car was ready and they immediately moved on the road to St. Louis. Along the way, Dean pulled out the small guidebook he had bought in Kansas City. He read several passages aloud to Castiel, discussing places he didn't want to miss and those that he preferred to avoid. They agreed on a quick stop in St. Louis and then on the road to follow to get to New Orleans. They foresaw to stop several times along the way. Natchez. Vicksburg. Dean had dozens of ideas and an enthusiasm visibly exalted as to what they were going to see.

Castiel often thought back to what the young man had confided to him. He thought of the man who had made him suffer and the one he had loved. He would have liked to have more information. He wished he could understand exactly what Dean had gone through to help him feel better. But as from the beginning of their journey together, he just listened Dean talking about everything and especially nothing without never asking the questions he was longing to ask.

They drove without hurry, enjoying the scenery around them and the stifling heat of South America. Castiel got a little accustomed to the musical tastes of his companion - all rock bands of the seventies and eighties - and agreed to share with the young man his unconditional love of Peter Gabriel and Genesis. They debated the talent of the Pink Floyd and that of Led Zeppelin. They joked about the current artists and their songs for prepubescent teenage girls. They laughed at the stupidity of the people driving or simply at the things they found ridiculous around them.

Castiel liked seeing his companion relaxed and smiling. He also liked the idea that he had something to do with it. His confession the other night had maybe lifted a weight off him. Castiel wanted to believe that. And with Dean this happy at his side, he ended up being happy in his turn. He forgot the faceless man who haunted his nightmares for several days. He forgot Benny and his probable death. He forgot everything.

When they finally arrived in St. Louis, Castiel felt lighter and confident. He felt free.

They found a motel near the road where they took two rooms for two nights. Dean went immediately to bed and Castiel went out for food before settling in front of his TV. He fell asleep quickly after going to bed. For once, he did not dream.

The next day, Dean dragged him along to visit the famous arch that was in the city center. They went way up and found nothing to say at the sight that lied before them. They remained for long minutes, contemplating the world below. Dean took a few pictures with his phone and Castiel forced to pose on one of them. They came down with a smile on the lips before going to have lunch and walk around the city all afternoon. They ate in a restaurant near the motel in the evening before separating again for the night.

Castiel slept all night long without waking once. He had no nightmare and woke up rested and calm. He joined Dean for breakfast. They agreed to spend the day doing nothing and enjoying the sun. They sat around the pool of the motel with each a soda and a bag of chips that Dean had bought at the vending machine. The young man refused to go swimming and to remove his shirt. He just lay on one of the loungers and read a guide book to learn about their next destination. Castiel put on his bathing suit and swam a few lenghts in the pool to cool off. He then moved beside his companion and began reading a novel he had brought with him. They ate near the motel again before settling for an afternoon of television. They watched a rerun of the Die Hard trilogy. Dean obviously vowed a cult to Bruce Willis and John McClane. He knew the lines by heart and Castiel was amused to hear him deliver them softly before the actors. When the three movies were finished, the young man volunteered to go for food. Castiel let him do, taking advantage of his absence to take a quick shower. He then returned to the room of his companion and sat on the bed to watch the news.

He had kept away from the news since he had left home. He didn't care what might happen in the world and much preferred to focus on his own life and problems. However, he listened attentively to the latest news. As he had expected, there were no good news. The same wars as before his leaving were continuing to kill innocent all over the world. An epidemic was threatening a part of Africa. Europe was bogged down in its financial problems. The United States were struggling with violence, terrorism and unemployment. A young couple of men had been beaten up around Dallas. An actress had died. The star of the moment was preparing a world tour. Castiel sighed. The world was the same as before his departure. Nothing changed. It was strange for him to see how he seemed to have changed over the days when everything around him remained the same. He could not help wondering what was his place in this world. If he really had one or if he lived on the fringes. His life had been turned upside down and yet nothing changed around him.

The newsreader then spoke of the capture by the FBI of a man apparently wanted for several months and whose name was unknown to Castiel. Obviously, he was involved in a series of murders and several traffics that had earned him a colossal criminal record. He had been apprehended not far from them, around St. Louis. Castiel shudered. They had maybe crossed path with him on the road without knowing. Sometimes life was odd. The anchorman explained how this man was part of a seemingly well-known criminal organization that raged for years throughout the United States. The leader was unknown to the police and the FBI. Their name had never filtered and they had no idea who it could be. A specialized journalist then took the floor to explain that his capture was consecutive to the discovery of the death of one of his partners and member of the same criminal organization. Azazel was the only name that the journalist gave to the presenter. Castiel watched his face appear on the screen with a curious eye. He had an ordinary physical for a multirecidivist murderer. Castiel only half-listened to the rest of the explanations of the journalist. When the presenter spoke again to tell how Azazel had been murdered a year earlier and that his killer was still uncaught, Castiel chose to change the channel. He didn't like what he was hearing, and he refused to get depressed by listening how many people this man had killed and how cruelly. He didn't understand the world around him. He didn't understand that one can harm innocent people just for fun. Sometimes, men disgusted him.

He chose a chanel broadcasting an old sitcom he remembered having already watched and then glanced around him. Dean had left his bag open on the dresser on his right. He had opened it to take some clothes out. Castiel caught sight of the edge of a pic sticking out from one of the external pockets. He looked away, his curiosity reawakening abruptly. He had no right to rummage through the belongings of the young man. He refused to be that kind of person.

Without really realizing it, he got up from the bed and walked to his companion's bag. He approached his hand to the sticking out picture. When he brushed it with the fingers, he took a step back. Dean would soon return. If he found him rummaging through his stuff, he might get angry. He'd be right. But Castiel was not strong enough to fight against the urge to see who was in the photo. He approached the bag again and grabbed the picture to remove it from the pocket. When he turned it over, he saw Dean on it, sitting at a table with another man considerably older than him. The young man could not have been more than seventeen or eighteen years old on the photo. He still had some childish curves on his face. His hair was longer than now, his cheeks completely hairless. He was smiling at the person sat down next to him. He was gorgeous. Castiel tore his eyes off his companion and focused on the man who seemed to laugh with him. He had to be twenty-five or twenty-six. He had brown hair cut very short. His eyes were a very light blue. His cheeks were covered with a thin beard carefully maintained. He had square jaws and seemed particularly brawny. Castiel found him rather attractive. Dean seemed very at ease at his side and happier than he had been since they had met. There was something carefree in his way of smiling. His eyes were shining intensely. They reflected what the young man felt for the man sitting beside him. Castiel then understood who he was. He swallowed hard. Benny. The man Dean had loved. It was him in the picture. And his companion was looking at him adoringly. With fascination. He would have given anything for the young man to look at him one day in the same way. He knew it would never be the case. He had mourned over this ludicrous idea. He watched the photo instead, captivated by Dean's face. By what he could read in his eyes and in his smile. By what the young man might have been before if a monster hadn't shattered eveything. It was the Dean without scars. The Dean before the flight. The one Castiel would probably have fallen in love with if he had met him.

After long seconds of contemplation, he finally put away the photo where he had found it. It was painful to thus witness what had been the life of Dean before the sufferings. To see the boy he had been at that time and to make comparisons with the man he had become. Castiel did not like the long list of differences that was slowly drawing up in his brain. He swallowed hard and was about turn around when something caught his eye in the bag of his companion. He lifted the shirt that was on the top and came face to face with a gun. Castiel immediately stepped back, terrified. He had never seen a revolver in his life. He knew that many Americans had some in their homes. But he had always been opposed to their free circulation. There were too many accidents for people to continue to ignore their dangerousness. And he hated the idea that Dean could have one with him.

Castiel took a deep breath and then leaned once again over the bag. The firearm seemed to taunt him inside. It was silver colored, imposing and terrifying. It was also beautiful. The grip was covered with a material that looked like mother-of-pearl and was shining under the light of the room. The barrel was engraved over the entire length. The drawings were complex and fine, like some of Dean's tattoos. It was a real work of art. But that could cause death. One Castiel would have preferred to see under glass in a safe place rather than in the bag of his traveling companion.

He could understand the desire of Dean to be armed. He knew part of what the young man had gone through. He certainly felt the need to protect and defend himself at any time. But he hated that he had chosen to lie to him about it. He assumed that it was not something easy to say. But he would have liked be informed. He was traveling with Dean for several weeks. They spent all their time together and he should have known that his companion was armed. It was not something one could keep to himself.

Moreover, it made the dangerousness of traveling with Dean even more evident. He had tried to ignore the risks since he knew a little more about the young man. He had refused to think that the man who had hurt his companion could be looking for him and that he would probably not hesitate to kill Castiel to take him back. He had tried especially not to imagine how Dean could have crossed the path of the monster. He had put aside the fear Dean had of the police. But seeing a gun in his bag, touching it with his fingertips, reminded him that he knew nothing of the young man. He had no idea what he might have done in the past. He could well be dangerous. He might have lied. Castiel swallowed hard. This weapon sent him to everything on which he had turned a blind eye so far and he didn't know what to think.

He wanted to get the gun from the bag and throw it somewhere where Dean wouldn't find it. He wanted to ignore the incident and resume their trip as if nothing had happened. But he knew that was impossible. For now, he felt in danger in the presence of the young man and he doubted to be able to ignore it any longer. He would have to confront Dean and ask him the questions that were nagging him for a while now.

Castiel finally took the firearm in his hands and held it close to his face. He was completely fascinated by the metal of the barrel and by the drawings that covered it entirely. He wondered how Dean had obtained it. It did not look like one of those ordinary weapons you could buy in armories. It seemed old and precious. Perhaps had he inherited it from a family member? Or stolen it? Castiel hated himself to think such things. But knowing that Dean was armed sent him back to the fears he had had in the beginning. He probably had not been careful enough in agreeing to pick up a hitchhicker and to continue his trip in his company. Of course, he remembered the almost blind trust he had had in the young man almost immediately, without really knowing why. He knew that since their meeting, Dean had told him certain things which explained his strange behavior. But there was still a lot of gray areas. Too many presumably for Castiel to be fully reassured. He had felt Dean sincere when he had told him about his past and the man who had done him so much harm. But he hadn't given enough information for Castiel to stop asking questions to himself. He had no name. No idea of the number of days or months that Dean had spent with this monster. All in all, he knew almost nothing of his companion. He had turned a blind eye for too long. It was time for him to ask for explanations. And to give the young man his thinking about the gun he kept in his bag.

"What are you doing?" Asked Dean, startling Castiel.

He nearly dropped the firearm he was holding in his hand when he heard the voice of the young man in his back. He had not heard him enter. He must have been completely lost in thought. He immediately regretted it. How was the young man going to react on learning that he had rummaged through his belongings?

"Cas, what are you doing with my bag?"

Castiel took a deep breath and then decided to face Dean. He could continue to to ignore him but he doubted that really serves a purpose. He had to confront him if he wanted to ask him the questions that were playing in a loop in his mind. Even though he was terrified to do so. The good point was that the gun was currently in his hands and he was not likely to see it turn against him if, indeed, Dean was really angry.

"What is this?" He asked when he was facing the young man.

The latter looked down at the gun he was clutching in his hands and sighed deeply. Castiel had expected him to loose his temper immediately. It was a good point that he was so calm. Even if he seemed reasonably annoyed.

"That's an weapon Castiel… a firearm." Dean replied quietly.

He wanted to play dumb. Maybe discourage Castiel to go further. But this wouldn't work. This time, he would have to show himself totally honest. Whether he likes it or not.

"I know what it is." Castiel replied coldly. "What I want to know is why it's in your bag!?"

Dean folded his arms across his chest and shrugged. He did not seem particularly worried about his gun in the hands of Castiel. But despite his detached look and his apparent casualness, Castiel could tell he was angry.

"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." Dean recited, keeping his eyes fixed on those of Castiel.

The latter shook his head, annoyed by the little game his companion was playing. He did not see the interest to beat about the bush. The situation was critical for their future. Dean should have felt it.

"I know the second amendment Dean, but thank you for refreshing my memory."

"So why asking such a stupid question? The citizens of this country have the right to bear arms and I'm only following the constitution. End of discussion."

But for Castiel, they were not done and it was out of question to let Dean escape so easily. He wasn't questioning the intrinsic right of his companion to have a gun. But he questioned the reason for its presence in his bag.

"I'm not saying you don't have the right to have one… I just want to know why you feel the need to." He flung, raising the firearm before him.

However, he kept his hands firmly locked around it to prevent Dean to be able to retrieve it. He did not think the young man capable of shooting him with it. But he hadn't thought him to be one to have a gun between two shirts in his backpack either.

"I'm traveling alone for over a year Cas, and sometimes I... sometimes I come across people less well intentioned than you. I need to be able to defend myself. But if it reassures you, I never fired with it. And it was my father's. I didn't buy it."

This by no means reassured Castiel. For if Dean had indeed confessed never having needed to use his gun, he had only heard the "yet" implied at the end of sentence. He'd like to believe that his companion may have been confronted with malicious people. But he knew that was not the only thing that explained his desire to have a gun on him.

"People in your situation generally take a pepper spary with them… not a gun!" He protested.

Dean chuckled for a second, visibly amused by what he was hearing. Castiel did not see how this could be funny. He did not like that his companion wasn't taking their discussion seriously.

"A pepper spray? Come on Cas… I'm not a sixteen years old chick whose parents are afraid to see her go home alone from school… I need this gun because I happen to be confronted with dangerous people and I refuse to be killed simply because it's not moral according to some to have a gun with me!"

"What people Dean? What people can scare you that much?"

"I'm not scared!" Dean protested immediately.

It didn't make sens. Dean was obviously totally terrified of someone. Probably the person who had inflicted these scars. And it was the very heart of the problem. Castiel wanted to know if it was risky for him to continue traveling with the young man.

"You're terrified, obviously. You can lie to me all you want but… I can read it over your face. You're scared and that's why you keep this gun. I need to know who… I need to know who scare you this much. Because I'd like to point out that if this person is looking for you, I'll also find myself in the line of sight and I refuse!"

"You're completely paranoid."

Castiel looked up at the ceiling, annoyed by the accusations of the young man. He took a deep breath and sighed deeply. He couldn't lose his temper. It was important that he keeps his cool to make himself as clear as possible.

"Listen Dean… I'm not asking for details because honestly, at this point, I don't care. But I want you to tell me whether or not there are people who are looking for you and… and if I have to be afraid that they eventually find us."

Dean looked down at his arms that he had kept folded across his chest and shook his head. For long seconds, he remained completely silent. He seemed to need a few minutes to find something to say. Castiel hoped it would be what he needed to hear and not another useless and insulting remark towards him.

"You know what Cas?" Dean finally said.

Castiel shook his head as his companion was finally raising his head to look him in the eye.

"Fuck off… I don't owe you anything." The young man added.

He was no longer trying to hide his anger. Obviously, he had decided to let himself speak his mind. And his tone was something pretty scary. It was cold and harsh. Implacable. Castiel felt a shiver go up his spine. He squeezed a little more tightgly the firearm in his hand.

"I don't owe you zilch and I don't intend to answer your questions. I told you a thousand times that I'm not dangerous. I can't force you to trust me!"

Castiel ran his free hand over his face. Dean didn't understand. Or at least, he refused to understand what he was trying to say.

"It's not you that I fear, even if finding a gun in your bag is not really comforting but… I trust you… don't ask me why, you never gave me any reason to do so but I can't help it. I still believe that you won't hurt me. It's the people you told me about that I'm afraid of… the one or those who did those scars to you. Those who are obviously after you and against whom you're thinking of using a firearm!"

Dean took a step in the direction of Castiel but the latter stepped back right away. He was maybe not afraid of Dean but he refused to let his guard down. He did not want to take risks. Not until he had all the answers to his questions.

"You ain't scared of me, huh?" Dean said, clenching his fists.

Castiel shook his head to confirm that he had not lied on this point. His companion did not seem to believe him.

"I am not afraid of you. But this firearm… this gun scares me."

"I don't intend to use it against you… if I wanted to kill you, I would have done it long ago!"

It was undoubtedly true. Dean had several times had the opportunity to attack him. They had spent most of their time together. Castiel had slept while Dean had been driving. They had even shared a room. He could have killed him hundreds of times since their meeting.

"Maybe so but… I'm not comfortable with this gun… mostly because you hid it from me and… partly also because you refuse to tell me about you and I'm always imagining the worst."

"Cas, we barely know each other. I'm not gonna offload my life just because you're paranoid."

Castiel whirled around and turned his back to his companion. He couldn't stand the reproachful look of the latter. Not when he knew he was the one who was right and the young man was responsible for the situation. He could not accept that he lays charges on him like this without trying to find out if he had his share of responsibility in this story.

"I'm not asking you to offload anything… just to tell me once and for all whether or not I am in danger in your company."

"I'm not going to…"

"Dean, stop!" Castiel cut him short, furious to not get anywhere in this conversation. "Stop! I told you I'm not scared of you. Don't ask me to repeat it to you again and again because I'm tired of doing so. Tired of justifying myself and playing the game to please you. I want to know if the people you flee are a threat for me."

Castiel waited long seconds for Dean to say something. But before his silence, he finally turn again to look him in the eyes. He was still clutching the gun in his hand. It seemed incredibly heavy since the arrival of his companion.

"Or what?" Dean finally asked, cocking his head to the side.

It was exactly what Castiel had dreaded. The moment he would have to make a decision. He had agreed to deny the concern that Dean's attitude concerning the police had created in him. He also agreed not to push his companion to confide. But now, he knew he had been wrong. There was too much at stake to continue to lie to himself. He refused to put his life in danger for the well being of the young man.

"Otherwise, we will have to go separate ways, here and tonight. I like to travel with you Dean. I like to visit all these places in your company. But I refuse to take more risks than necessary. So you have the choice. You can tell me the whole truth and put an end to my doubts or you can leave without me. It's up to you."

Dean looked away to fix the wall to his right. He remained silent once again for long seconds and Castiel forced himself to stand still. When his companion finally returned his attention to him, he immediately knew he had made his decision. And it was definitive. He seemed calm and determined.

"I want my gun back." Dean declared.

Castiel frowned.

"Are you going to talk to me?"

"No."

Dean had not yielded. He continued to stand his ground and it left no choice to Castiel. It was time for him to separate from his companion and to continue his trip alone. He was disappointed by the attitude of the young man. Disappointed that his secret came before their friendship. Castiel felt his heart sink, thinking he would never again have the opportunity to sit next to Dean in the car and hear him joke about everything and anything.

"Fine, it's your choice." He commented in a voice trembling too much to his taste.

Dean nodded, then took a step in the direction of Castiel. He then held out his hand in his direction and threw a glance at the firearm he was still clutching in his own. He returned it, wincing, relieved to no longer feel its weight at the end of his arm. He then got away from the young man and walked to the door.

"Is this because you don't trust me enough?" He asked, putting his hand on the handle.

Dean had made his decision and he knew he wouldn't go back on it. ut he needed to know why the young man flatly refused to talk to him. He had the feeling that they had become friends. He had probably mistaken. Friendship supposed to show yourself honest with each other. At least on essential matters.

"Cas, if it helps you feel better, I don't trust anyone… not even myself most of the time."

There was no aggressiveness in the tone of Dean. No desire to hurt him. Which meant he was telling the truth. He didn't trust Castiel. He would probably never trust him. That was the whole problem between them. They could never be friends. It was hard and painful to hear.

"Dean, if you're in danger… if you really are in danger… I hope you will do what it takes to put yourself in safety. I don't want something to happen to you."

"I got a gun and I know how to use it. I'm not in danger."

"If you say so…"

Castiel did not see what else to add. He felt bad. He was suffering and was incredibly disappointed that Dean did not seem to have the same trouble seeing him go. Obviously, the young man was not as involved as himself in this story.

"What are you going to do now?" He asked, once again facing Dean.

He knew he should have left. Not continue to talk and put maximum distance between him and the young man. But he needed to know. He was convinced that he would never hear about his companion again. This would probably not prevent him to often think about him.

"I'll find someone else to take me to New Orleans… stay over there a few days to enjoy the atmosphere. After, I don't know… I prefer not to plan things. I like surprises."

Castiel nodded. He had himself no predefined plane regarding the rest of his trip. He only knew he would have to continue alone. And he didn't intend to travel to New Orleans anymore. He especially didn't want to find himself in the same city as his companion. It would probably be better to turn back. Or to continue to the east and finally see New York with his own eyes. He had always dreamed of walking up to the top of the Empire State Building to admire the city at night.

"I wish you to find what you're looking for Dean." He then announced.

The young man shrugged, observing the gun he had in his hand. He then slipped it in the back of his jeans and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'll let you know if indeed I ever find it." He replied with a smile.

Castiel knew that this was a lie. They wouldn't stay in touch. They would probably never talk to each other again. It wasn't a "goodbye" they were sharing at this moment. It was a "farewell". And Dean knew it just as well as him.

"Thanks for the trip Cas… thanks for picking me up that day. It was nice to have some company for a change."

Castiel felt like reminding him that it was his fault that he was going to abandon it all. If he was going to be alone again. But he had a feeling that the young man was not really sad not to have someone to travel with. He would might find someone else to share this experience. Castiel doubted to be able to do the same. He was doomed to do the rest of the trip alone. He sighed. Maybe should he take immediately the direction of Chicago to join Gabriel. He didn't really see the point of crossing the United States without anyone to share what he experienced. He was surprised to see the importance that Dean had taken in the course of days.

"Thank you for the company Dean. Keep it up."

Dean nodded before turning his back on him to go rummaging in his bag. Castiel knew it was the sign that he had nothing left to say to him and it was time for him to go. He stayed nonetheless a few more seconds to observe the back of the young man. He could still see the scars that streaked it. The blows that Dean had received in the past and had made him the man he was today. Castiel would have given anything to know the history that laid behind them. But he knew it would never be the case. It was certainly better as well. He had the confirmation that staying close to Dean was dangerous for him. He refused to take risks just to keep the young man at his side. He was perhaps time for him to grow up and finally get a grip on his life. He didn't want to become like the young man and continue traveling aimlessly until the end of his life. He wanted to take responsibility and find a purpose.

"Goodbye Dean." He blurted before opening the room door and going outside.

He closed it again without throwing a single glance at his companion. He knew he would be disappointed by what he would read on his face. And he was already sufficiently hurt to not impose himself a new torture. He quickly walked away from the door and then stopped to look up at the sky and observe the stars. The sky was completely clear and without the light pollution from the city center, they shone magnificently above his head. He always felt tiny when he watched the stars. He felt insignificant.

Castiel took a deep breath and then tore himself away from his contemplation to get to his room. He went inside with a heavy heart. He was aware that things would not be the same without Dean by his side. When he had left his home, he did not exactly know what he wanted to do with his new freedom. He had planned to cross the US by car to reach Gabriel in Chicago. He had not really thought about what he would do on the way. Dean then appeared and had changed everything. He had shown him what he could be great with traveling aimlessly. He had taught him to appreciate the things they saw by not caring about the time spent in each place. Now he was different from the man who had left his parents a few weeks earlier. He did not really know whether it was a good thing or not. He would probably see over time.

Once in his room, Castiel quickly undressed and then dash to the shower. He had already taken one earlier when Dean was away but it was something he did every time he encountered a problem or he was hurt for one reason or another. The hot water helped him to think. It made him feel rid of some of his concerns and ready to face the others. Tonight, he needed it to scrap Dean and decide himself to move on without him. When he left the shower, he did not really have the feeling of having progressed on these two points.

He put on his clothes for the night and then slipped under the blankets. He now had three options. He could return to his parents, apologize for leaving and resume his studies to show them that he could be the son of their dreams. He could also keep traveling until he has seen all he wanted to see and then go to Chicago to put some order in his life. Or he could turn around and head the very next day to the town where his brother lived. He already knew the first option was inconceivable. He did not want return to his parents. He didn't want to apologize to them and he didn't want to become a doctor. So there were only two viable choices. He had only to decide which was the more pleasant for him.

He liked the idea of going to New York. He had always been fascinated by this city which was so different from all the other cities of the United States. He loved the state of mind that prevailed there. He loved the architecture. He wanted to walk around Times Square and stroll on the Fifth Avenue. He did not know however if would succeed in enjoying the visit alone. That was the downside of this choice. He would have to do the trip alone and would have no one to share his impressions with. But immediately going to Chicago would deprive him to see a city he had always dreamed of seeing. It was a real dilemma. He had no idea what to do. Or even what he wanted to do. He sighed deeply, turning to the side and closing his eyes. He would decide tomorrow. He was not necessarily in a hurry to make his choice. Things generally looked better in the morning.

He wondered for a second what Dean was doing in his room. If he had put his weapon in his bag and had gotten his stuff ready to leave while he was at it. He wondered what the young man really thought of what had just happened. He was hoping, selfishly, that his companion would eventually regret not having wanted to confide in him. Having let him go. However, he doubted that this is the case. He had become attached to the young man but he knew the feeling was not mutual. Dean had enjoyed spending time with him but he had at no time wanted to be his friend. Castiel should have known that it would end this way. His companion had told him from the start. He refused to become attached. Refused to settle down. He was on a constant run and would probably spend his life on the road to put distance between himself and this past he refused to talk about. Castiel sincerely wanted him to be happy even if he doubted him to be as long as he would refuse to face what had happened to him.

Dean was really a fascinating young man. Castiel could not deny he was attracted to him and he had developed feelings towards him of which he preferred not to think. He would have to forget about it and focus on himself and his future now. He still had plenty of things to live. Exciting things. He was young and free. He had no reason to suffer from the failure of a relationship that had never really been one. Dean didn't want him at his side and Castiel had to accept it.

When he would open his eyes the next day he would have clear his mind and taken a decision regarding the rest of his trip. He had confidence in himself and he knew he would be able to overcome this crucial step to move forward. He wasn't going to cry over something that was hopeless anyway. Over a battle that was lost in advance. He was going to take things in hand and build a life and a bright future. He would forget Dean on the way. Potentially.


	10. Distress Call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Here is the 10th chapter and things change significantly between Dean and Cas.
> 
> Thank you for reading me and writing to me
> 
> See you soon
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> Undiscovered by James Morrison
> 
> Warnings: swearing, language, mention of torture, mention of rape, mention of murder, blood, loss of blood, serious injuries, mention of physical violence, explicit sexual scene

 

" _Those who fall often drag down with them those who run to their rescue_ "

Stefan Zweig

  


Castiel had headed to New York on the day after his separation with Dean. He had renounced to join his brother immediately, convinced that he needed time to put his mind in order. He had loaded his belongings in his car, returned the keys of his room and had left Saint Louis without even a backward glance. He didn't know if his former companion had gone before him or if he was still in his room when he had left the parking lot. He had almost expected to see him hitchhiking on the road. But he hadn't seen him. And it was certainly better that way. Their paths had to separate for the sake of Castiel and it was time for him to forget the young man.

The first stop was planned for Louisville, on the border between Kentucky and Indiana. Castiel only took highways and major roads. Small paths reminded him too much the time spent with Dean going back up, watching nature around them. He wanted to be efficient and put maximum distance between him and the young man. For this, he much preferred traveling at one hundred and thirty kilometers per hours than fifty. He stopped at a fast food to grab a takeaway burger he ate on the road, parked at the edge of a lake. He checked his phone from time to time, hoping to find a text without actually thinking that he would receive one. Dean had certainly forgotten him already. Once again, it was better that way.

Kentucky was a relatively populous state but whose main resources came from agriculture and horse breeding. The roads were lined with fields and pastures where horses were running peacefully. Castiel quite liked the place. There prevailed some peace he particularly liked. He could easily imagine living in such a place, surrounded by horses and farms. He knew nothing about farming or agriculture, but he supposed he could learn. He knew it would make his parents completely enraged. It was worth reflecting on.

Once his hamburger swallowed and soda drunk, Castiel got into the car and set off again. He carefully followed the directions to Louisville, the state capital. He wanted to spend the next day there to soak up the spirit of the place. He didn't know yet if he would allow himself to. He had a clear goal in mind. Reach New York. For that, he still had to cross Ohio, Virginia and probably Pennsylvania. The road was long and he didn't really want to linger on the way. But he really loved Kentucky and he promised himself to spend a few days there on the way back.

There was hardly anyone on the road at the same time as him. Some trucks passed him, probably shuttling back and forth between the major cities of the area. He also overtook some on his route. But cars were scarce and Castiel liked even more the environment.

He allowed himself to think of Dean when he stopped to put gas near Louisville. He entered the service station to buy something to snack on the road and wondered if Dean was doing the same on the road leading to New Orleans. Castiel knew his former companion didn't really have resources and he had to work from time to time to hoard some money. He hoped he would have enough to reach his destination in one go without having to make long stops. He had the sensation that his goal was really important. He could have bet that it had something to do with Benny.

Castiel paid for purchases without actually keeping an eye on the final amount. He drawn a lot on his savings since the beginning of his trip and it would soon be time for him to think of earning some money in his turn. He could find something to do in New York. Maybe plate cleaning in a bar for a few days. He did not really have any qualifications and no degree to present. He doubted being able to find better.

When he took the road again, Castiel thought back lengthily to Dean. He hoped the young man had found someone decent to drive him to New Orleans. He still had many kilometers to cover and he would probably have to change cars several times. But he had resources. He had experience. He would succeed in reaching his goal without too much difficulty. At least, this was what Castiel liked to think.

He was driving window open to let the air cool down the inside of the car. He had read somewhere that the air conditioning used more fuel than necessary and he had every intention to save money on this point. Moreover, he liked to feel the wind on his face. He pulled his hand out the window to feel it against his palm. It was a gesture that Dean did constantly. He had never really knew why. But it was nice. That gave him the impression that nothing could stop him. That kilometers were tearing down the road. That he was totally free to go where ever he wanted. It was a simple gesture but it meant a lot for him.

He kept his eyes on the road signs when he approached Louisville. He did not really have a sense of direction and he didn't want to get lost in the middle of nowhere. He was alone now and did not want to take any chances. There were only four hundred kilometers between St. Louis and Louisville. Castiel could have crossed them in just four and a half hours. But he had taken his time. He had enjoyed the scenery, stopping here and there to watch the horses in their pen. When he finally reached the outskirts of the city, the night was beginning to fall. Castiel pulled into the parking lot of the first motel he saw and then took a room for the night. He took his bag inside before testing the bed.

When traveling with Dean, they shared the driving time fairly. But now that he was alone, Castiel had to admit that eating up kilometers in the same way was complicated. He had a slightly sore back and his legs were aching. He stretched them on the bed to get rid of the pain and then closed his eyes for a second.

The silence in the room soon became sweltering. He had shared his room with Dean only rarely but his absence seemed even harder to bear now that he was no longer driving. He had tried to ignore it, focusing on his own plans, but nothing worked. He missed Dean. Even when they were separated for the night, he knew he would see him the next day. It was enough to satisfy him. But things were different now. He would be alone again when he would leave this motel. Alone when he would cross all the states that separated him from New York. Alone when he would finally reach his destination. And in that room, this certainty of his solitude to come was unbearable. He opened his eyes and reached for the TV remote control to put an end to the silence.

He quickly zapped between channels and finally stopped on the one broadcasting the news of the day. He listened to the presenter talk about the climate that was going wrong, problems in the world and unemployment that continued to increase in the US. Obviously, things weren't improving for anyone right now. Castiel felt a bit less alone.

He then listened to journalists discuss the upcoming budget that the president had to submit in a few days. He watched them argue about whether such-and-such measure was appropriate to the situation of one or some particular category of the population. When they had finished talking, without managing to agree - Castiel was not surprised - the presenter took the floor again to talk again about the capture of the criminal he had already heard about in St. Louis. He came back again to his crimes and the death of his partner a year ago. Castiel found himself actually paying attention to what he was hearing. The certain Azazel was presented as a monster. A torturer who had raped and killed several people across the country. His accomplices were less cruel but equally dangerous. And their leader remained unknown to the police forces. They had no name or physical description. Obviously, they would never succeed in arresting him. Several people succeeded each other on set to talk about Azazel and his accomplice who had just been arrested. His name was Jake Talley, was twenty-three and had military experience. He had been chosen to become the disciple of Azazel a few months before the latter's death. He had since accumulated offenses and had been rapidly promoted among the most wanted people in the country. His arrest was a good thing according to police but raised questions as to the accomplices who might seek to free him or to take his place. Many names appeared then on screen. Castiel tried to memorize them at the same time as he was trying to remember their faces. Meg Masters. Fergus Crowley. Josie Abaddon. All were considered extremely dangerous. It was advised to stay vigilant and notify authorities if indeed one saw them. Obviously, with the death of Azazel, first lieutenant of the criminal organization of which they were all part of, and his disciple who had taken his place beside their leader, these three people were in the running for the position remained vacant. They were described as experienced and trained killers. Castiel had shivers down his spine just by looking at their faces. He however forced himself to do so to memorize them. The presenter then recalled the contact numbers if one came across one of them and gave the name of the agent in charge of the investigation. Victor Henriksen. Castiel watched him talked to the journalist who was questioning him. He was appealing. Tall, black, slender, he was a rather handsome man. But his eyes were cold and hard. He didn't seem like the kind of person you could joke with. It was probably necessary when one had to deal with criminals all day long.

Castiel listened to the rest of the news and the weather forecast to make sure it would not rain for his arrival in New York, then changed of channel. He stopped on a rerun of The Simpsons and grabbed his phone on the coffee table. He didn't have the strength to go out to eat and hoped he could get a pizza delivered. He needed a good night of sleep to ease his aching muscles and hope to do a good portion of road tomorrow.

He logged on the wifi of the motel, looked for the number of the nearest pizzeria and consulted their online menu.

He was focused on the long list of pizzas available for delivery when suddenly his phone began to ring, disconnecting him of the website where he was to show the number calling. He frowned, recognizing the name on the screen. Dean. Castiel swallowed hard and hesitated a second to pick up. This was definitely not good for him to continue to be concerned about the young man when he absolutely had to forget him. But he couldn't help it. He answered and pressed his phone against his ear.

"Dean?"

He thought for a moment that the young man had made a mistake when he got no response from him. There was noise at the end of the line and then he heard a moan. Okay. Dean had probably forgotten to lock his phone and Castiel's number had been dialed by mistake. He had to hang up. Now.

"Dean?" He called again despite himself.

He only got a new moan and Castiel then decided to hang up. It was out of the question to let himself being tormented by the young man even if it was accidental. He had to take things in hand. He was about to pull the phone away of his ear when he finally heard the voice of his former companion on the other end of the line.

"Cas… Cas?"

Castiel nodded, then, realizing that Dean could not see him, cleared his throat to speak.

"What's going on Dean? Why are you calling me?"

He hoped that his tone didn't betray too much the enjoyment he had to hear the voice of the young man. They were separated only for a day but Castiel already felt the lack. He hated himself a bit for that. A lot actually. But he could not do otherwise.

"You gotta help me Cas… You gotta help me." Dean explained after long seconds of silence.

Castiel had expected anything but that. He swallowed hard, muting the TV. He then focused on the sounds he could discern behind the voice of his former companion. He was not outside. But there was water flowing. Maybe he was in a bathroom.

"Help you to do what?"

"He got me Cas… just… I managed to escape but I can't… I didn't know who else to call. Sorry. I shouldn't bother you with all this."

Castiel immediately got up from the bed and walked to his bag without actually realizing it. He tucked his phone between his ear and his shoulder and tried to somehow put on his jeans.

"Who got you Dean? Are you hurt?"

He turned on the speaker of his phone and placed it next to his bag. He then pulled on his t-shirt and a sweater. He finally looked around to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything before closing his bag and putting it on his shoulder. He then retrieved his phone, cut off the speaker and waited for the answer of Dean.

"'T's no big deal, ’tis but... a scratch."

Castiel did not believe him for one second. He knew that if that were the case, Dean would not have called. He could guess the pain he was in with the way he was talking. He had to find him and help him. He could not ignore his emergency call. He ran to his car and unlocked it with a trembling hand.

"Where are you right now?" He asked, sitting on the driver's seat.

"No, Cas, no need to come out. I'll be fine."

Castiel violently dug the keys in the ignition and then threw his bag on the seat beside him. The one Dean had occupied so far. He closed his eyes for a second.

"You called me because you needed my help and I am ready to provide it to you. But you must tell me where you are."

He waited a few seconds and was about to ask the same question when Dean finally spoke again.

"I'm still in St. Louis… I'm in my room. Castiel… I… I am bleeding a lot."

Castiel felt his heart speed up. He had guessed right. Dean was seriously injured. He immediately started the ignition and put his phone on speaker again. He didn't intend to hang up as long as he wouldn't be with the young man. He put the phone on the dashboard in front of him and then left the parking lot in reverse gear. He vaguely heard someone honk but didn't really pay attention to it.

"Dean, you must press a towel over your wound to stop the bleeding okay? Then I want you to lie on the bed and raise your legs. Can you do that for me?"

"I think so." Accepted the young man in a weak voice.

Castiel accelerated and burned a red light at a crossroad, triggering the anger of the motorists around him.

"Once you have finished, I want you to tell me where you are hurt and how you were injured all right?"

He heard Dean moving into his room for long seconds.

"He had a knife… cut me with it… to the belly… to the neck… but I don't think it's too deep. I managed to escape him you know…"

"That's good Dean… that's very good. Do you think he can track you down?"

Castiel still didn't know who was this "he" who had injured his former companion, but he could not ask the question now. He knew Dean would refuse to answer.

"No, he was knocked out when I left."

Castiel nodded, making a quick calculation in his head of the distance that separated him from St. Louis.

"Dean, I'll be there by four hours. Maybe less if I there is no one on the road. You'll have to stay awake until I arrive. I know you must be tired but you must not fall asleep."

Castiel took a few seconds to find a sign indicating the road to take. When he saw the name of St. Louis on his right, he turned and entered immediately on the fast lane. He doubted that the young man could stay four hours without falling asleep but he had to do his best to keep him awake as long as possible. He did not want to take any risks without knowing the exact extent of his injuries.

"Okay, Cas… I'm not… can you talk to me please?"

Castiel sped up a little, absolutely not caring about speed limits for now. He overtook a truck that was driving too slowly for his taste. He then began to talk about everything and nothing. He told Dean about all the tricks that Gabriel could play to him when they were young. He talked about his other siblings. The job of his parents. He talked about his intention to move to Chicago to find his niche. He then related how he had lived high school in complete anonymity then university without actually make friends. He described some of the people who had marked his schooling and eventually confided how his literature teacher in high school had captivated him. Dean intervened once or twice to approve or disapprove some of the things he was saying. He commented a few times what he was hearing. But after nearly two hours talking without stopping, Castiel was beginning to worry about the prolonged silence of his former companion for many minutes. He was still half way and was beginning to worry about being too late.

"Dean, you're still with me?" He asked.

He prayed for the young man to hear and answer him. But he only got silence.

"Dean? Dean? Answer me!"

"Cas… I think I'mma pass out now." Finally whispered the young man.

"No, no, no, no. You must hold on Dean. I'm almost here."

It was a lie of course. He still had two hours to drive. But he needed Dean to hold on and fight. He had to stay awake for a while again.

"Sorry Cas." Dean then murmured in an extremely weak voice.

Castiel violently punched the wheel. It was useless to yell. Useless to beg. He knew the young man had just lost consciousness. And it was not good at all. He could have received a blow to the head. He could have lost a lot of blood. It could be a thousand things that put his life in danger. He might be already dead when Castiel would arrive at destination. No. He refused this to happen. He accelerated again. He didn't hang up the phone and found himself talking again. He knew that Dean couldn't hear him. But the silence of the car was driving him crazy. He hoped the young man would eventually open his eyes again. And he knew he would need to hear his voice when he would wake up. If he woke up. Castiel wiped the idea of his mind and passed a car without actually bothering to check if anyone was coming across him. He quickly pulled back in and then continued to talk about his life, about his future and what he had seen on TV these days. He couldn't hear the breathing of Dean but he continued to believe that the young man would still be alive on his arrival. It could not be otherwise.

Castiel finally only took an hour and forty five minutes to reach the motel in St. Louis after Dean has passed out. He parked astride two spots without worrying to bother anyone and then ran to the room of his former companion. Fortunately the door was open. When he pushed it open, he stopped short when he saw the young man lying on the bed, knees raised as he had been asked but still unconscious. Castiel was unable to move for several seconds, watching Dean's chest. When he was sure it was heaving to the rhythm of his breathing, he ran to the bed and grabbed the young man by the shoulders. He shook him gently to try to wake him. Dean grunted one second before opening one eye and then the other.

"Am I dead?" He asked hoarsely.

Castiel shook his head, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He was so relieved that he was unable to control them. They rolled down his cheeks slowly. He sighed deeply as Dean was grabbing his phone which lay on the pillow beside him. Castiel then realized he still had not hung up his own. He would probably pay in terms of his contract but it didn't matter. He put a hand on the forehead of the young man to check if he had temperature.

"Did you receive a blow on the head?" He then asked.

Dean frowned, obviously half asleep. He seemed to need a few minutes to understand what Castiel was doing there. He eventually shook his head.

"Okay, great… that's… that's great."

Dean still seemed a bit lost. His gaze was hazy and his face too pale. Castiel detached his eyes from his forehead and withdrew his hand at the same time. Then he looked at the rest of the body of the young man and shuddered when he saw the blood stains on his chest and on the collar of his t-shirt. He would have to remove it to check his injuries.

"You think you can take it off?" He asked his former companion.

Dean tried to sit up but fell back immediately on his back with a growl. Castiel took this as a "no" and walked away from the bed to rummage in the room. Eventually he found scissors in a drawer. He came back immediately to the young man and began to cut the fabric of his shirt. Dean let him do without complaining. Castiel gritted his teeth when finally separating the sides of the shirt. The young man had not lied to him. He actually had two wounds in the torso. One on the abdomen, just above his navel and another on his neck, linking his two collarbones. They were deep. But they weren't fatal. It was the substantial loss of blood that had caused Dean's fainting fit. He would survive his injuries. But they needed to be treated.

"I'll get everything I need in the car. Don't move from here okay?" He said, walking away.

"I'm not likely to go very far in this state." Dean immediately replied.

Castiel ran to his car, grabbed his bag on the passenger seat and then locked the door and returned to the bedroom. Dean was still lying on the bed. He seemed to suffer but he had his eyes open. Castiel smiled weakly before opening his bag and settling what he needed beside the young man. Then he took the towels in the bathroom and sat down on the bed.

"I'll have to disinfect the wounds. It will probably be painful but necessary. They need to be stitched up. I would prefer you to have it done by a professional, but I can try to do it myself. I have the necessary. However, I must warn you that this will probably leave a scar. I am not a professional and I've never sutured in my life… aside from an orange once or twice and just for fun."

He realized the stupidity of his remarks about the scars when he saw Dean's face tense. He supposed that the young man did not care if his wounds left marks on his body. His torso was already completely covered in scars. Two more would probably change nothing. He opened his mouth to apologize but Dean pulled the rug out from under him.

"Do it yourself." He accepted.

Castiel nodded and began to clean the wounds with disinfectant. He felt Dean's muscles tense immediately under the influence of pain but the young man said nothing. Castiel used more disinfectant than necessary, but he had no idea of the condition of the knife that had wounded the young man and he would not take the risk to see his wounds fester. When he had finished, he grabbed the sewing kit he had stowed in his bag - and would probably have denied having if one had asked him - and grabbed a needle. He dipped it in disinfectant and tried to pass the thread through the eye.

"It's not ideal… this thread isn't meant to suture wounds. You'll have to be very careful that it doesn't yield when you'll move. And someone will have to remove it."

Dean vaguely nodded. Castiel finally managed to put the thread through the eye of the needle. He then turned back to his former companion and watched him one second.

"It also may be painful." He explained.

He waited to get a new nod before looking down at the first wound to suture. He was incredibly nervous. He didn't really know what he was doing. He had sutured the rind of some oranges to try his hand and had developed - again without admitting it to anyone - a certain ability for sewing. But stitching someone's skin was a whole new world. Yet he decided to have a go. He could not let Dean in this state and he was the only person who could do that for him. He took a deep breath and set to work. The needle pierced the skin easily and quickly, Castiel got the hang of it. He knew his work was not clean enough and that it would leave an indelible mark. But he would help the young man to recover faster and it was exactly the goal. He didn't allow himself to be distracted by the groans of pain of his former companion and finished the suture on his stomach quickly. He secured the thread so it wouldn't come undone and then took another one to care for the wound the young man had on his upper torso. He took a few seconds to cast a glance at the face of the latter. He seemed to suffer but his cheeks had regained some color and his eyes were less misted than on his arrival. His pupils were significantly dilated.

"Everything's okay?" He asked.

Dean nodded slightly before trapping his bottom lip between his teeth and biting it. Castiel supposed he was too proud to admit he was in pain and turned his eyes to refocus on the wound between his collarbones. He immediately set to work. His movements were a little more secure than a few minutes earlier and he was relatively pleased with himself. When he had finished closing the wound, he cut the thread, tied it, then threw the needle on the nightstand. He then went to the bathroom to wash his hands. When he came back on the bed, Dean was staring at the ceiling, breathing heavily. Castiel took the bandage roll in his belongings and turned to the young man.

"I'm going to need you to straighten up to put a bandage on your wounds." He explained.

Dean said nothing but looked down to him. His cheeks were significantly redder than a few minutes earlier and his pupils had come to completely absorb the green irises of his eyes. He seemed to be extremely hot. Worried that he might have temperature, Castiel put a hand on his forehead covered in sweat. He wasn't particularly hot. Yet… Castiel pulled back his hand immediately, understanding what was going on. Dean let out a slight moan. For long seconds, they said nothing. Castiel didn't know what to do. He pressed the bandage in his hand.

"You… maybe I should… you need to keep the wound clean and dry and…"

He gestured toward the young man's torso without actually managing to make a complete sentence. Dean grunted, obviously once again ashamed of his state of arousal. Castiel could feel his own cheeks burning considerably. He decided to concentrate on the wounds of the young man to not think about the rest. He kept his eyes on the sutures he had just finished and then forced himself to go into action. He grabbed Dean by the shoulders and pulled him to him. He then maneuvered him until his face was buried in his neck. He then began to wrap the bandage around his torso, covering the wounds properly. When he was finished, he waited a few seconds, enjoying more than he should have the proximity of the young man. He knew he should have moved back and left some space to his ex companion. Dean was visibly excited by what Castiel had done - the pain of sutures and the tenderness of his actions if he understood how the young man worked - and it had to be uncomfortable for him to be pressed like this against another man in this state.

"Cas…" Dean murmured against his neck.

Castiel significantly pulled back his face and pushed on the shoulders of the young man to look him in the eye. What he read there was unmistakable. There was not just arousal in his eyes but something that looked remarkably like desire. Castiel swallowed hard. Their faces were very close to one another. The breath of Dean reverberated against his lips and cheeks. He wanted to kiss him. Wanted to finally know what taste could have his perfect mouth and beautiful lips. But he was not sure Dean also wanted this. So he restrained himself.

"Cas…" Dean repeated softly.

Castiel tried to smile but could begin to feel his body tense significantly. He finally bit his lip in his turn to keep himself from doing what he was dying to do. Dean seemed to understand what was going on after a few seconds. He slipped a hand between them to catch that of Castiel. He then lay down on his back again, wincing and then laid the hand of his former companion against his crotch. Castiel let out a moan when he felt the young man's erection pressed against the palm of his hand.

"Dean, what are you…" He blurted out.

But he was unable to finish his sentence. Dean had released his hand to press his own between his legs. And Castiel could no longer deny that he was at least as aroused as his former companion. It was a bad idea. It was a very bad idea. They hadn't talked about what had happened and they were probably in danger. But at that moment, he could no longer think of anything else but what he felt for the young man lying on the bed in front of him. So he wiped all his doubts out of his mind, vowing to himself to look into it the next day and went into action. He used his second hand to undo the buttons of Dean's jeans. The young man did the same with his own. Their arms collided constantly in their haste. But Castiel didn't intend to move. He absolutely didn't want to lose a second and risk to end the moment they were sharing. He waited until Dean raises his hips enough to pull down his pants and boxers and free his erection. When he took it in his hand, Dean let out a long moan. Castiel kept his eyes riveted on his penis disappearing in his hand at the rhythm of his movements. It was something he had never thought to do. Something he had never considered asking. And he knew it meant nothing. Dean was under the influence of what had happened to him. He couldn't think straight and would probably regret the incident the next day. But Castiel was tired of being reasonable. Tired of resisting and fighting constantly. He had a chance to get what he wanted and he well intended to seize it. He quickened the pace of his hand while Dean was struggling against his fly. Castiel then remembered he still had the splint on his finger. He released his cock to finish undoing his pants and then quickly got up from the bed to lower it. When he sat down, Dean immediately seized his erection in his hand. It was too fast and the position was not ideal. But that was exactly what they both needed. A quick way to release some of the pressure built up since their separation. One way to not talk about what he had to talk and delay the inevitable confrontation. Castiel got all these ideas out of his head and focused on the sensations Dean's hand was providing him. He could already feel the signs of his orgasm in the small of his back and in his belly. Dean did not seem too far behind him if the moans he let out at regular intervals were anything to tell. He had started to move his hips to accompany the movements of the hand of Castiel. This shouldn't have been so exciting. But Castiel found the young man absolutely gorgeous. He quickened significantly the pace of his wrist, rotating it when he came to the head before applying a little pressure on the way down. He then looked down at his own member that Dean's hand was circling with enthusiasm. He could not say how long it lasted. But when his orgasm hit him, he let out a guttural cry that surprised him. He came in the hand of his former companion for a few seconds before remembering he hadn't finished what he had started. He then continued to move his hand along Dean's cock. The young man brought his hand to his mouth to lick Castiel's sperm from his fingers. The latter moaned upon seeing him do. When he had finished, Dean grabbed his free hand and pressed it against his thigh.

"I need… I need you to…" He whispered between moans.

Castiel took a few seconds to understand what his companion was asking. Then he tightened his hand on his thigh and significantly sank his nails into his skin. It could not be very painful but obviously, it was all Dean needed to let go. He came heavily in his turn, pressing his fists against his mouth to muffle some of his moans. Castiel watched him do, utterly fascinated. He slowed down the pace of his hand and when Dean was too sensitive for him to continue to touch him, he completely withdrew it. He wiped it off on a towel he had used to clean the wounds of the young man and rose from the bed to get dressed. Dean did the same after a few seconds.

"Thanks Cas…" The young man said once he had put his pants on again.

Castiel nodded to indicate that he had heard him. He then looked around him. He could not leave Dean alone that night but there was only one bed in the room. He threw a glance to the ground. He could consider sleeping on the floor with a pillow and blanket. It was certainly better than the bathtub. Dean must have sensed his discomfort since grabbed his hand to squeeze it into his own.

"Lie down with me." He demanded.

Once again, Castiel knew he should have protested and gone to sleep in the car. But he was weak and tired and didn't have the strength to say no. He contented himself with nodding again before settling next to his former companion. He pulled the blankets to put them on them and then arranged his pillow properly and rested his head on it.

"That doesn't mean anything you know." Dean assured without looking at him.

Castiel had no illusions about it. He knew that Dean didn't have feelings for him. He wasn't hoping to hear him declare his unconditional love for him simply because they had just masturbated each other. However, these few caresses had counted for him. He kept it for himself.

"Dean, the person who did that to you… do you…"

Dean put his hand against his mouth to silence him and Castiel didn't insist. His skin smelled of sex and Castiel had to hold back a moan.

"We'll talk tomorrow… I'll explain tomorrow. But I just want… For now, I just wanna sleep."

Castiel nodded. Dean then withdrew his hand from his mouth and placed it along his body. He was still on his back and did not seem to suffer as much as at the arrival of his former companion. This was undoubtedly due to what they had done a few minutes earlier. As soon as he would wake up, the pain would come back with full force. They would see at this moment. Castiel was exhausted and needed a few hours of sleep to be able to analyze what had happened. He knew he wouldn't get all his answers tomorrow. He hoped to have some. Enough to make him stay by the young man's side. He did not plan to leave again. Not after what had happened to Dean in his absence. He was glad the young man had called him for help. Glad he had trusted him enough to let him heal him. But he also knew that he was probably in danger by staying at his side. He was afraid that the young man drags him in his fall. It was inevitable. They couldn't flee indefinitely. However, Castiel refused to think about it yet. He was still under the effect of the orgasm that Dean had given him and he had every intention to enjoy it as long as it was possible. Tomorrow was another day. They would have to confront reality once again. Castiel would have to make important decisions for his future and that of Dean. He probably should have been nervous at this thought. But lying beside the young man, he felt oddly good. He paradoxically felt safe sharing the same bed with him. He could hear his breathing and feel the warmth of his body spread to his own. At this precise moment, it meant everything to him. He didn't care about the rest and he didn't care about danger. He smiled weakly, closing his eyes. He would never have believed that this day would end in this way when he had left that same motel this morning. He had thought he would never see Dean again. Never hear from him again and spend his life wondering what had happened to him. But a few hours later, they were again side by side. And if Castiel knew he had been wrong to run back at the first call of the young man, he absolutely didn't regret having done so. He was ready to face the consequences. Lying next to Dean, his scent filling his nostrils and reminding him what they had done a few minutes earlier, he felt ready for anything.

 


	11. A start of explanation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> It's Monday and here's a new chapter. We finally learn more about Dean.
> 
> Thank you to read me and to write to me!
> 
> Enjoy your reading
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> In my place by Coldplay
> 
> Warnings: swearing, language, mention of physical assault and injuries, mention of incarceration, mention of emotional manipulation, mention of violences and tortures suffered, mention of character death, mention of murder

" _The terrible thing about the quest for truth is that you find it_ "

Rémy De Gourmont

  
  


When Castiel opened his eyes, he took a moment to remember where he was. He blinked several times and looked carefully around him. A motel room. The curtains were drawn so that the sun - which seemed already high in the sky - doesn't filter through the windows. The walls were covered with a floral motif tapestry. The floor was covered with an old brown carpet. Castiel sat up slowly, his mind finally taking stock. St. Louis. Dean. He had traveled the four hours of road that separated him from the young man last night after he had called him for help. He had treated him and stitched up. They had exchanged… Castiel ran a hand over his face. He was now alone in the room. He threw a glance to where Dean had slept. The covers were pulled and the pillow clearly bore the marks of the skull of his former companion. But the young man was not here. Castiel felt his heart speed up. He had promised to explain what had happened to him upon awakening. Obviously, he had lied to him. And he had taken flight. Castiel looked for his phone before realizing he had left it in the car. Along with the majority of his belongings. What a fool he had been to believe that Dean would stay. He should have known the young man would run away at the earliest opportunity. He had probably waited Castiel to be finally asleep to pick up his things and leave town.

It should not have come as a surprise. Let alone a disappointment. Castiel knew what they had done the day before had no value. They were not a couple and obviously, not even friends. He should have been wary and demanded immediate explanations. He had missed the boat. Of course, this took a big thorn from his side. For now that Dean was gone, he didn't have to wonder whether or not it was prudent for him to stay. But he was still disappointed. Hurt actually. And he blamed himself for being so naive.

Castiel sighed deeply before getting out of bed. He crossed the room to get into the bathroom. He undressed quickly, still furious before entering the bathtub and turned on water with the shower head. He washed quickly, constantly mulling over the events of the night before. He should never have drifted in this way. He felt used and ashamed. He should have stopped Dean before things degenerate. But he had been too weak. And his attraction was known of the young man. He had taken advantage of it to get what he wanted. Castiel was an idiot.

When he came out of the tub, the cold air of the bathroom made him shiver. He dried himself and put on his clothes from the day before. He then threw a glance at his reflection in the mirror. He barely recognized himself.

The sun had brought color to his usually too white skin. He had dark circles under the eyes and cheeks hollowed by fatigue. He looked older than his age. He no longer looked like the young man who had left his parents a few weeks earlier. He owed his condition to Dean and he was furious with him. At least as much as he was with himself. He sighed deeply and then used what the motel placed at their disposal for shaving and brushing his teeth.

When finished, he returned to the room to clean up all he had left lying around on the floor last night. He put the blood stained towels to soak in the sink and then threw the used compresses in the trash. He then used the kettle to make himself a quick coffee. He drank it, sitting at the end of the bed, his eyes staring without seeing it the wall in front of him. He was again reliving the events of the day before, from Dean's phone call to the moment they had fallen asleep side by side. Castiel had been terrified when he had realized that the young man was injured. He had been afraid of losing him. And his relief as he had realized he was not in danger of death had been enormous. He had taken time to treat his wounds and take care of him. He had done it with no hidden agenda and only because the young man meant a lot to him. This was not reciprocal obviously.

He probably should have been glad to know Dean gone. It was a good thing for him. He was convinced that the man who had attacked the young man the night before had not done so by chance. This inevitably hid something else. He was connected to Dean's past. He had targeted him and nobody else. He could have killed him. It was even undoubtedly his first intention. Dean had escaped from him. Castiel did not want to be involved in all that fuss. He was not one to be excited by danger. Nor did he like the idea that his former companion had needed to suffer to come the night before. There was something wrong in the way he had to behave sexually speaking. Something that should have made him take flight. But he had stayed. And he had taken pleasure. He did not know if he could forgive himself one day.

Castiel sighed deeply and then emptied his coffee cup in one draught. He winced as he swallowed it and got up to put the cup down next to the kettle. He then retrieved his car keys on the nightstand as well as his first aid kit. He was heading for the room door when it opened, startling him brutally. Dean was standing before him, two cups of coffee in hands and a bag under the arm. He was there as if nothing had happened and Castiel felt anger overwhelm him.

"You son of a bitch!" He yelled.

He had thought the young man away from the city. Obviously, he had been wrong. But Castiel felt betrayed and humiliated. He was furious and he needed to ease off a bit of pressure. Never mind that his anger is justified or not.

"You son of a bitch… I thought you… I thought you were gone." He flung then.

Dean frowned, visibly surprised by his sudden aggressiveness. Castiel immediately looked away.

"You wish this was the case?" The young man asked in a weak voice.

Castiel had wondered this as soon as he had seen Dean wasn't here. But he had no answer to give to his companion. He actually thought it would be safer for him to get away from the young man. To put maximum distance between them and never have any contact with him again. It was the sensible thing to do. But that was not what he wanted. His heart was screaming that he had to stay. That he had to help. Because he had feelings for Dean. Feelings which he preferred not to think about. He was completely lost. And hearing the question in the mouth of the young man made his conflict even more flagrant.

"What? That's… that's a dumb question!" He finally retorted.

He cast a new glance at Dean. He hadn't moved an inch and kept staring curiously at Castiel.

"That's an easy question… would you prefer me to have left without telling you? To be away from you? Were you relieved when you thought me gone this morning?"

Castiel had to answer. He knew he could not ignore the question forever. But he had no idea what to say. He closed his eyes for a second, cleared his mind and chose to listen to his heart. Because ultimately it was the one screaming the loudest.

"No." He said.

He took a deep breath before opening his eyes again to look at Dean.

"No." He repeated with certainty.

He immediately saw relief on the face of his companion and his heart raced. It was dangerous to hope. Dangerous to interpret what Dean's eyes were betraying of his emotions. Because Castiel knew he would end up being disappointed.

"Then why are you so mad?" Asked the young man after long seconds of silence.

Castiel shrugged, thinking back to the panic and disappointment he had felt thinking that Dean had fled before his awakening. He sighed deeply.

"I was worried about you… worried because you're hurt and I didn't know where you were gone. I thought you had fled and it was… I was terrified." He confessed.

Dean then took a step in his direction. Castiel did not back away and kept his eyes on the young man.

"I'm sorry Cas. I should have left you a note, but I didn't think you'd be awake and when I'd come back… you looked so exhausted yesterday. My stuff is still there so… I didn't imagine that you could think I was gone."

Castiel looked away and glanced around him. Then he saw Dean's bag next to the dresser. It was open and his clothes had been placed on it. He hadn't seen it so far. He had been so convinced that Dean was gone he hadn't even bothered to search the room. He was an idiot. And now he felt guilty for jumping to conclusions.

"I hadn't seen it… I'm sorry Dean. I shouldn't have… I think it's stress and that does not excuse my behavior but…"

"Hey Cas, drop it. I'm not mad at you."

Castiel nodded before turning his attention to his companion. He was still holding the coffee cups in his hands and seemed a bit lost. Castiel frowned. No, he didn't seem lost. He was anxious. And this could only mean one thing. He was finally going to address the subject they had avoided the day before.

"Anyway, I believe there are more important things we should discuss."

Castiel could not deny that he was genuinely surprised that the young man doesn't try to shun the conversation. He had never accepted to confide. What little information he had let go through had been dragged out of him by Castiel when he was drunk. This sure was a first. And proof that Dean trusted him a minimum.

"You mind if we settle before? It might be long and I need a good coffee before saying anything."

Castiel nodded immediately and sat at one of the three chairs that were installed around the small table in a corner of the room. He watched Dean putting the two cups of coffee on it before opening the bag he was holding under his arm and taking several muffins out of it. Castiel waited for him to be seated in front of him before taking one. He turned it in his hands a few minutes without saying anything. He had no idea how he would address the topics he wanted to discuss. He preferred his companion to take the floor first before questioning him. He bit his lower lip one second while Dean drank several sips of his coffee. He then took out his pack of cigarettes, put one in between his lips and lit it with a trembling hand. Castiel did not evoke the fact that they were in a non smoking room and simply ignored the smoke was fluttering around towards his face and whose smell was assaulting his nostrils.

"First, I want to come back to what we did last night." Dean finally began calmly.

Castiel shook his head again but said nothing. He knew they had made a mistake by giving in to their impulses. But he could not deny he had taken pleasure with the young man. And he was ready to start again if the opportunity arose, however.

"Cas… it was good… it was better than good, and frankly, that was exactly what I needed yesterday but… you should be aware that this means nothing more. We will never form a couple. I've told you from the start. I don't want to get attached. I don't want a serious relationship. I know you're attracted by me but… Nothing more will ever happen between us. I prefer you to know that."

Castiel had no hope about that point but it was still hard to hear. He looked down at his muffin before tearing a piece and sticking it in his mouth to avoid saying anything embarrassing. Something like "I love you like crazy, please, just give me a chance to make you happy". He doubted Dean wanted to hear that. He wasn't even sure this was true. He had attraction and feelings for his companion. But he didn't think being in love with him.

"I know that." He finally assured after he had swallowed what he had in his mouth.

He did not look up, preferring to avoid looking Dean in the eye.

"Good… now… I am willing to answer any questions you may have but you gotta know that what you're going to hear is likely to displease you. My story isn't… it's dark and sad and… when I'm done speaking, you'll have to take a decision. To choose whether or not to continue your trip with me."

"You'll let me make the decision myself, right? You won't force me? You won't decide for me?"

Castiel took one look at Dean as the young man nodded in his turn. It was a start.

"Of course I'll let you take it… you're an adult and… I like the idea that we can continue together for a while yet… but it'll be up to you".

Dean seemed sincere and Castiel decided to get started. He had dozens of questions. There was so much he still didn't know about his companion that he did not know where to start. He finally chose what was the most simple. He cleared his throat, putting his muffin down on the table to grab his coffee cup.

"Do you know the man who assaulted you yesterday?"

Dean sighed deeply, observing the incandescent end of his cigarette.

"I do know him."

"Is he related to... to your past?"

"He's part of it."

Dean seemed determined to make only short answers while skipping providing details. This might be a problem. Because Castiel wanted to know everything. He wanted to understand what his companion had gone through. What had made him the man he was today. He considered being entitled to this after the events of the previous day. He needed this to make his decision.

"Is he the one who made all those scars?" He asked then.

Dean immediately shook his head.

"No… he works for him… let's say he's like his hatchet man."

Castiel remembered perfectly what the young man had told him the night he had found him totally drunk on the floor of his room. He probably would never forget what he had heard. How this stranger, this nameless monster, had loved to hurt Dean. How he had loved to see him cry. Dean had confessed belonging to him. And Castiel did not understand how someone as independent as his companion could have let him do. But he certainly lacked too many pieces of the puzzle to really understand what had happened. He needed details.

"Dean, please… I want to know." He eventually said to encourage the young man to finally open up.

For long seconds, his companion said nothing, lost in contemplation of his cigarette which was out between his fingers. Castiel was afraid of having pushed him too far, too fast. But when Dean looked up, he seemed confident and determined. He took a deep breath and finally got started.

"Two years ago… a bit more now… I met a man in jail."

Castiel felt a chill run down his spine. Dean had been in jail. He had committed something grave enough to be locked up behind bars. He had often wondered if his companion was someone dangerous. But he had finally found the idea dumb and had trusted him completely on this point. Obviously, he had been wrong.

"You were in prison?" He asked, throat tied.

Dean shrugged, throwing his extinguished cigarette butt on the table.

"Not long... four months actually. And not for anything serious, don't worry. I've never hurt anyone… never. I made a mistake that cost me a lot and believe me, I still regret it today. Cause once in prison, I became the prey of people much more dangerous than me. This man, the one who did this to me… He took me under his wing upon my arrival. He said he wanted to protect me and he was... he was charismatic and powerful. He said he was fascinated by me... he told me how much I was brave and strong. And quickly I became... I don't even really know how to define what I was for him. It wasn't sexual. Nor was he in love with me. I was like a trophy... he liked the idea of owning me. I let him do. I was living for the few times he said he was proud of me. And when I got out, I was unable to resume a normal life. I tried... but he had ended up making me believe that I actually belonged to him. Two months later, he was getting out of jail. I caught up to him."

Castiel wanted to ask for details but he knew that by interrupting the young man now, he could lose the chance to hear his whole story. He therefore forced himself to be silent and listen.

"He led a kind of organization."

"A gang?"

Dean shook his head.

"No, it was more than that. It was a kind of mafia... but without the cool side that can be found in The Godfather. There was no code of honor, no moral. His men were at his beck and call because they were terrified. Everyone was afraid of him... me included. But at his side, I had the sensation of having a utility. He had made me his disciple. He repeated constantly how I was brilliant and I was his best pupil. I wanted to believe him. It was the first time someone claimed to be proud of me. When he started to hit me... I thought I deserved it. I didn't try to flee. I really thought I belonged to him. He had saved my life in prison and had given meaning to my life. I accepted my punishments without struggling. He liked to see me suffer. He liked to make me cry and scream. Sometimes, when he had finished, he took me in his arms and praised me ... that was all I needed. I had the feeling to be important... to matter for someone. I was young and stupid and I let him go on."

Dean paused a second to take a sip of coffee he seemed to have trouble swallowing. Castiel was shocked by what he was hearing. He could understand that his companion did not try to escape. He was young and had obviously been manipulated. This man knew exactly how to go about getting what he wanted from him.

"Among his employees was Benny. He was different from the others. Cheerful, full of optimism and terribly funny. When I was alone... or when I was too weak to leave the house, he came to see me. I think he had been tasked to watch over me. Everyone knew to whom I belonged and no one was worried about leaving me alone with someone else. Because none of the members of the organization would have dared touch me. Benny… Benny was nice with me. He's treated some of my injuries. Let me cry for hours without judging me and... I fell in love with him. He then told me how he had met a woman outside the organization ... a woman he had loved with all his heart ... and how she had been murdered by those for whom he was working. She was seen as a distraction... as a threat. Benny had then decided to take revenge. He had a plan... but the day I revealed my feelings... he confessed having fallen in love with me in his turn. He then promised me we would run away together. He wanted to find a place somewhere, where we could be happy together. He was raised in Louisiana and he wanted to return to live there. He wanted to take me with him. There were many details to sort out and measures to be taken... but we were taking advantage of every moment together to live our history to the full. I found myself hoping with him. When I was in his arms, I really thought we would have a chance to be happy one day, away from all this... away from him."

Castiel could not help envying Benny. He could hear in the voice of Dean the affection and love he still had for him. It was obvious that no one could ever take his place in the heart of the young man.

"But our luck changed. I don't know how our relationship was discovered. All I know is that they've murdered Benny before my eyes. I watched him agonize for long minutes without being able to help. I cried, begged... swore that I wouldn't leave but it was too late for him. My punishment... my punishment was to see him die. When I asked them to kill me too, Al... he just burned my chest with a firebrand he had preheated. He said he wanted to mark me. For everyone to remember the person to whom I belonged. I ran away the same night. I ran as far as possible and without looking back. I went to Louisiana and stayed a few weeks. I felt close to Benny there... but they were in my footsteps and I had to flee again. I've been running away for a year now Cas... one year that I constantly look over my shoulder, hoping they won't be there, following me... one year that I know they'll eventually find me."

Castiel had imagined the worst about the past of his companion but he had never imagined he could have lived such horrors. It was worse than all the ideas that had crossed his mind. Dean had been through hell for a year. He had lost the man he loved. He had been beaten and tortured. And he was on the run since.

"When they'll find me... and I know they'll find me one day or another... I don't know what they're gonna do with me. I doubt they'd kill me... they'll probably bring me back to him. He'll enclose me again and will resume my "training"... but if I'm with someone... if I'm accompanied... they won't hesitate to kill you Castiel. You aren't safe with me."

Castiel nodded, closing his eyes. There was concern in the voice of the young man. He really seemed to worry about the risks he would make run to Castiel if they kept traveling together. And he would have to think seriously about all this. But for now, he still had some questions to ask his companion.

"Is he the one who... is he the one who acquainted you with... with all this?" He asked.

He was not sure that his question was clear enough. He had difficulty to put words on what Dean liked to do. But he wanted to understand how a young man could come to have to suffer to take pleasure. He wanted to know if the man who had done him so much harm had also sexually abused him.

"I told you Cas… it wasn't… sexual between us. It was the power he had over me that gave him a ball. I've never liked what he did to me. I've never liked to suffer under his blows. But I liked the idea of belonging to him... before I met Benny... before falling in love, I think I liked the idea that he had the power to do whatever he wanted from me. So yes... maybe that's what made me what I am today... or maybe I was already like that without really realizing it. But... this is who I am today and that won't change."

Once again, Castiel felt that Dean was trying to convey a message. The young man wanted to make him understand that they were different from each other. That there was no hope. Castiel was annoyed that he feels the need to say it again and again. He had understood the first time they had talked about it. He wasn't stupid.

"What about Benny? Did you… do the same with him?"

Dean nodded before placing a hand on his face.

"More or less yes... it didn't please him more than that but he knew I needed it. The first time we made love, he refused to hurt me... but... he quickly realized that I could never live without it. He ended up accepting it. He then spent long moments apologizing or asking if I was okay. It was perfect."

Castiel wondered if he would ever be able to give in like this the demands of a man he would date. He saw himself as open-minded and extremely tolerant. But he did not know if he could have agreed to hurt Dean had he been in the place of Benny. He then remembered what he had done the day before just before the young man comes and he looked down. Of course he would have given in. For love, one was capable of anything. He felt his cheeks blush and was relieved as Dean spoke again.

"Cas… the year I've spent there... the year I've spent with him... changed me radically. Before ending up in jail, I was a boy like any other. I liked to go out and partying. I had friends and an idea of what I wanted to do with my life. I was hopeful and carefree. But these four months taught me many things about myself. I realized that I wasn't invincible or untouchable. I understood that I was insignificant to men as powerful as those who were in prison with me. He used my weakness to break me. He made me believe that I was worth nothing. That I was nothing. Then when I lost all hope to get out, he began to rebuild myself, piece by piece. He made sure that I needed him to move on. He gave me what I needed so much at this time... recognition... affection and tenderness sometimes. I've spent a year to want to satisfy him without never succeeding. I came to him willingly. I chose to join him."

"Because he manipulated you Dean. Not because you really wanted it."

Dean didn't look convinced. Castiel then wondered if his companion still had the feeling of belonging to this man despite the year that had passed and the distance between them. He had heard of people who developed the love or affection for their torturers. It was what was called the "Stockholm Syndrome".

"I happened to ask him to punish me... he had managed to make me believe that I deserved it. And before I met Benny, I was proud to belong to him. Proud that he considers me like his thing. Because I was important to him. When I got out of prison, I had no interest in anything. I had the sensation of being completely empty... I couldn't talk about what I had experienced and... I thought nobody could understand me. Nobody except him. It's Benny who proved me otherwise. He's the one who showed me I could be loved. He made life worth living again. He made me want to exist for me and not only to serve the one I had come to consider as my master."

Obviously, Benny had saved the life of the young man in more ways than one. And his death had given him the courage to escape once and for all. Castiel was admiring this man he didn't know. Admiring the courage he had shown.

"You still love him, don't you?" Castiel asked after a few seconds.

Dean looked down at his hands and eventually nodded slowly.

"I think I'll always love him… this US tour… this trip, it's also for him that I'm doing it. He had told me about his desire to see the Grand Canyon... to see San Francisco. I wanted to do it by his side... but when I go to these places which he so often told me about, it's as if he was still there with me."

Castiel could understand his desire to remain close to the man he still loved. He found this romantic and poetic. But it was also an issue that handicapped the young man. That prevented him from moving on. Benny would eternally remind him the hell he had lived. He didn't have to forget it. But neither did he have to build his whole life around a memory. It wasn't healthy.

"I'm complicit in so many things Cas... and I am tired... sometimes, I'm tired of living. But I know Benny wouldn't have wanted to see me throw in the towel. So I fight... I fight mainly for him. I've seen things I could never forget. I've suffered things that marked me for life. And you gotta understand it. You gotta take it into consideration. I'm not someone mean or fundamentally bad. I've never committed any crime. But I'm dangerous... because I'll be forever on the run. And if you decide to follow me... if you decide to turn a blind eye to all that, you'll also be in danger."

Castiel already knew that. He had even probably understood it well before Dean puts words on the tortures he had endured. When he had began to imagine his trip around the US, he had never considered taking unreasonable risks. He had thought about educating himself by visiting certain places, meeting people to share his experiences and live from hand to mouth without worrying about tomorrow. He never thought he could cross the path of a fascinating, funny and disconcerting man who would put him in danger simply by remaining at his side. He didn't like the idea of taking risks. He wasn't adventurous. But he hated even more the prospect of abandoning Dean to his fate and turning his back on him when he most needed him. He was aware this wasn't a film and the end would not necessarily be happy for them. But he wanted to try. He wanted to believe that his presence was beneficial for the young man. He wanted to stay.

"I understood Dean but I do not intend to leave without you... not now that I know. If things get worse, or if they become really dangerous, I'll probably reconsider my decision. But for now, I want to stay. I wanna stay with you."

He saw Dean smile broadly and he immediately felt his heart racing. However, there was still something he wanted to clarify with the young man. He needed to ask one final question before putting a definitive end to their discussion and attempting to start out on their journey again as normally as possible.

"But before we do anything, I have one last question for you." He said, grabbing his coffee cup and turning it in his hands.

Dean gestured him to go on with a nod. Castiel took a deep breath in.

"Why… why not telling the police? Why not do it right now? We could go to the police precinct and explain everything. I'm sure they would ensure to protect you from these people. I am confident that you could be useful to them... give them names... addresses. Enough to be going on with. Maybe they could even place you in their witness protection program?"

Castiel did not have much experience in this field. His only references were from movies that Gabriel had forced him to watch or all the procedural cop shows he loved. Law & Order. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. He couldn't be caught out on the topic. Although his parents had often told him that all he saw on the screen was nothing like real life. He wasn't stupid. He knew that reality was often less pleasant than fiction. He knew that witnesses did not always get by with a nice house in a remote town. They did not escape the bad guys with the help of a police officer who ended up falling in love with them. But there still had to be laws to protect people like Dean. He looked up to the young man and saw his eyes darken and his face tense. Obviously, the question made him uncomfortable.

"Cas… there's something you gotta know." The young man started, frowning.

Castiel was now regretting having asked the question. Because he greatly dreaded what his companion was going to say. Maybe had he participated in the criminal activities of the organization of which he had been the prisoner. Maybe was he also wanted for these crimes. This would probably explain his fierce desire to hide, the gun he had on him and his obvious fear of the police. Castiel refused to believe that Dean was a criminal just like the monster who had done so much harm to him. He did not know how he would react if this was what the young man was about to tell him.

"If I go to the police, there's a good chance that they find me. I know it's a risk and I'm willing to take if indeed this can lead them to jail for what they did to me... what they did to Benny and hundreds of other innocents. I know I'm on borrowed time and I'm not afraid to die. But I'm not alone in this story. And if I testify against them, I know they aren't gonna directly take it out on me... not as long as I'd be under police protection."

"You mean they would take it out on someone who is close to you?"

Castiel swallowed hard as Dean nodded. He could understand the desire of his companion to protect people he knew. Even if he never mentioned them. He watched the young man get up from the table, taking with him his coffee cup. He walked over to his things and stuffed them in his bag before closing it and putting it on his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Asked Castiel, surprised by his behavior.

Dean walked to the bedroom door and threw him a glance over his shoulder.

"Takin' you somewhere." He declared in a calm tone. "Get your stuff."

Castiel did not protest despite the lump that had formed in his stomach. He gathered his things in his turn, checked that he hadn't forgotten anything and took his bag outside. He remained silent until they reached his car. When Dean took his keys and moved the driver's side, he grabbed him by the arm to immobilize him.

"Where are you taking me?"

Dean watched him for a second before looking away. He seemed really sad for the first time since the beginning of their conversation. Even sadder than when he had talked about Benny. Castiel then released his arm and walked around the vehicle to to sit in the passenger side. Dean turned the ignition and got out of the parking lot without answering. It was only when they had joined the road out of the city that he spoke again.

"You wanna know why I didn't tell the cops?"

Castiel nodded.

"I'mma show you." Dean explained in a weak voice.

He accelerated significantly and soon they were out of the city. Castiel watched the landscape pass before his eyes with a curious eye. They were not taking the road to New Orleans. They were retracing their steps. They were taking the direction of South Dakota.

"Where are we going?" Castiel then asked.

Dean drove into the highway and substantially slowed down. It was a first for them. Never before the young man had agreed to take such a busy road.

"Sioux Falls, South Dakota."

Castiel remembered having seen the name of the town indicated on signs when they had left Rapid City. Dean had not seemed particularly interested in the idea to get there. They hadn't talked about it. Obviously, there was nothing very interesting over there. At least that was what Castiel had thought when they had left South Dakota. Now they were taking up this direction again, he realized all the things his companion hadn't told him.

"What is there out there?" Asked Castiel who was beginning to be annoyed by Dean's silence.

He had agreed to continue the trip with the young man. He had chosen to ignore the dangers and risks he was exposing himself to. But he considered he had the right to be briefed on what was going to happen. He didn't like Dean to take him somewhere without telling him why. He wanted to know. He needed to know.

"The reason why I didn't warn the police." Answered the young man, overtaking a truck that seemed determined to drive too slowly.

Castiel clenched his fists on his thighs, tired by the little game Dean was playing. He turned his face towards him and stared at him one second. He could read his anguish in his eyes and in the way he had to frantically bite his lower lip. Obviously, what was in Sioux Falls was very important for him. Castiel felt his anger decrease significantly.

"What are we gonna find in Sioux Falls?" He said to encourage the young man to confide.

Dean was gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were all white. His eyes were riveted on the empty road ahead. He seemed focused on what he was doing but Castiel could tell that his mind was elsewhere. Somewhere in South Dakota. In a town he had never even uttered the name so far. A town that was almost one thousand kilometers from them. They had a ten hour drive to do and Castiel could not bear to do it without knowing exactly what to expect. He could accept a lot of things from Dean - had already accepted many - but this time, it was impossible. He opened his mouth again to repeat the question when the young man finally decided himself to answer.

"The two people I love most in the world and for whom I'd give my life. It's in Sioux Falls that my uncle Bobby lives... and it's where Sam is."

Castiel frowned upon hearing this name Dean had never mentioned before. He was about to ask who was Sam when his companion pulled the rug out from under him again.

"Sam is the reason why I will never warn the cops. I refuse to endanger him… Sam is everything to me. He's my little brother."

 


	12. Sam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Here is chapter 12 and the entrance of Sam. We learn more about Dean again and evoke a character from Supernatural that I wanted to incorporate to the story although he won't be there physically.
> 
> Thank you for reading me and writing to me...
> 
> Happy reading and see you in two weeks!
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> Hometown Glory by Adele
> 
> Warnings: swearing, language, mention of imprisonment, mention of character death, low self-esteem, self-loathing, mention of grieving, mention of past alcoholism/alcohol abuse, mention of past child abuse, mention of past physical abuse, references of suffered tortures, mention and reference of homophobia

" _Brotherly love is more durable; it looks like the gemstone that resists the hardest metals and whose value increases with years_ "

Hector Carbonneau

 

Dean had said nothing more about his brother during the many hours they drove toward Sioux Falls. They stopped at nightfall in a motel on the border between Iowa and South Dakota. They each took a room and skipped dinner. Castiel spent the night wondering how his friend could never have mentioned his little brother since they had met. He knew the young man did not like talking about himself. He now understood why. What he had gone through in recent years was dark and sad. Painful. He did not want to talk about it because he refused to think about it again. But Sam seemed to be one of the only positive things in his life. He should have wanted to talk regularly about him. Dean was definitely a mystery to Castiel. A mystery he was determined to solve now that he knew more about him.

They moved on the next day. They only had a few kilometers left to drive and Dean insisted to take the wheel when they got near Sioux Falls. When they finally passed the sign indicating their arrival in town, Castiel looked around him carefully. He had the feeling the place was important for his companion. He would have never left his brother here if he did not consider the place as safe. Dean had confessed to have never lived very long in one place. Apart from Lawrence where he had spent the first four years of his life, he didn't really had ties elsewhere in the US. But it was in this town that his brother lived. It was not by chance and Castiel wanted to understand. He observed the houses that lined the road, the shops that had flourished here and there. He watched people walking around them. Sioux Falls was an ordinary town. A town as hundreds others in the US. But for Dean, it was where his younger brother lived. It was certainly different from the others.

The young man seemed to know exactly which direction to take. They drove in silence for long minutes until Dean stops the car near the local high school. Castiel frowned, observing the red brick building. It was nothing extraordinary. Nothing particularly beautiful. But when he threw a glance at Dean, he saw a kind of fascination over his face. It was odd. The young man had seen wonderful things during his trip. He had visited the Grand Canyon, crossed the Golden Gate and stood at the foot of Mount Rushmore for long minutes. But never before Castiel had seen him watch a building or a landscape with such fascination. He was about to ask why when Dean slid into his seat so that his face couldn't be seen from the outside. In the distance, Castiel heard the sound of the school bell. He threw a glance at his watch. Half past noon. The students were about to go and have lunch. Castiel turned his face towards the entrance of the high school. Teenagers began to get out in groups, chatting and laughing, visibly relieved to be released from school. They dispersed quickly, each taking the direction of their house.

"Sam is a student here." Dean finally explained after a few seconds.

Castiel nodded, watching other teenagers getting out of school quickly. He lingered on every boy he saw, looking for the little brother of his companion without knowing what he looked like. He could not tell how long they remained in silence before Dean nudges him in the thigh.

"There he is."

Castiel then carefully watched the boys who were walking to the parking lot. There were too many for him to know who Dean was talking about. The young man had to guess because he eventually pointed one with his finger without straightening up.

"The tall one with long hair who's talkin' with the pretty blond over there."

Castiel turned his head to look in the direction indicated to him by his companion. Then he saw a young boy who was almost a head taller than the others. He was thin but obviously athletic. His dark brown hair fell around his face and gave him a certain charm. He was wearing the uniform of his school but his tie was loosened and askew. His shirt was out of his pants and he had stuffed his hands in his pockets. From what Castiel could see, he didn't really look like Dean. For anyone who didn't know them, it was impossible to say they were from the same family. Sam had the face more round than his brother. Castiel could not see his eyes but he could have sworn they were not green like those of Dean. They were totally different. Yet, there was something of his companion in Sam. Maybe that was due to his way of standing or certain gestures they had in common. Castiel could not have told. But when he saw Sam walking, still accompanied by a blond girl indeed very cute, he immediately saw the resemblance. He watched Sam move in their direction before coming to rest near their vehicle and facing his classmate again. He discussed a few more minutes with her before leaning forward and laying a very chaste kiss on her lips. The girl blushed immediately, but did not try to escape Sam.

"It's Jess… Jessica, his girlfriend." Dean explained, smiling slightly.

Castiel nodded.

"You don't want to go say hello?"

"No."

Dean hadn't hesitated before answering. He hadn't thought for a second before refusing to talk to his brother. Castiel turned to him and stared at him a moment.

"Why?"

Castiel did not understand why they had come this far if it was not to talk a few minutes with Sam. He could see the affection Dean had for his brother. He should have been eager to see him. He had to want to check in with him. But the young man was still down in his seat, his face now obscured by his hood. He didn't want Sam to recognize him. Castiel frowned.

"Dean, why don't you go talk to your brother?"

His companion did not answer immediately. He still had his eyes on his brother. Castiel ran his hand over his face, impatient. He didn't want to force Dean to do something he didn't want to do. But he was starting to wonder what people around them might think. They were sitting in a car, parked in front of a high school and watching all the students by turns without ever speaking to one of them. Someone would end up wondering what they were doing here. And would probably imagine the worst.

"Dean?"

The young man let out a long sigh before substantially straightening up in his seat while lowering a bit more his hood over his face.

"He can't know that I'm here… he can't see me." Finally explained the young man.

Castiel turned his attention to Sam. He was still chatting with his girlfriend. He had taken his hands out of his pockets and was holding those of the girl - Jessica - in his owns. He seemed happy, smiling and far from imagining that his big brother was only a few meters away.

"Why? You two don't get along?" Asked Castiel.

Dean immediately shook his head.

"No, it's not that. I… Sam is a bright kid you know. He is the best student in his class and undoubtedly the best of his school. He will do great things in his life. He will become a doctor, lawyer or the US President. He'll be someone important one day."

It was not an answer and it did nothing to explain the behavior of Dean. Castiel was tired of having to guess what his companion tried to tell him. He had hoped after his confessions of the day before that Dean would agree to talk to him more freely. But obviously, he did not want to explain why Sam couldn't see him. Castiel sighed deeply.

"Why coming here if it's not to go talk to him?"

Dean put his hands on the wheel and squeezed it for long seconds. He still had his eyes on Sam, as if afraid to see him disappear as soon as he would turn his face. As if he had not seen him in ages and he needed to look at him to remember him.

"I wanted you to see him... to understand that whatever I do... or don't do... it's for him and no one else. I can't go to the police because they would turn against him. Sam is everything to me... he's... he's the person I love most in the world."

He knew Dean was sincere. There was great tenderness in his eyes, a lot of affection on his face. He loved Sam. But he kept his distance. He didn't go see him. He didn't talk to him. Because he was scared for him. Castiel felt bad for him. He should not have had to deprive himself of the pleasure of talking with his little brother. Life was definitely not fair for him.

"Since when did you not speak to him?" Castiel then asked.

Dean finally took his eyes off his brother to lay them on his companion.

"Just over two years now... the last time I spoke to him was just before going to jail. Then it became... it was too dangerous for him."

"Two years? Dear God…" Castiel whispered, watching Sam again.

The boy was now laughing with Jessica. He seemed happy with the girl. No one could have suspected that he had lost his brother a little more than two years ago. He looked like all the other teenagers of his age.

"We had a fight just before I was imprisoned. He said things… he told me that I was abandoning him and that I was an idiot. He also told me he would be better off without me."

Castiel shook his head. He knew it was common to say things you didn't mean when one was afraid or hurt. He assumed that Sam had wanted to hurt his brother because he resented him for being arrested. He doubted, however, that the boy had actually thought these things. He himself had been rather harsh with Gabriel the day he had left. He regretted it of course. He was convinced that Sam was in the same situation as himself. But he had not yet had the opportunity to tell his brother. He might never have it. It was sad.

"He probably didn't mean it." Castiel assured, turning his attention on Dean. "Were you close before this?"

The young man immediately nodded. There was no hesitation in his gesture.

"Very close… maybe even too close according to my father. When our mother died... I was the one to take care of Sam. I was four and I perfectly remembered what my mother had told me when he was born. Watch over Sammy Dean, he's your little brother and he needs you. He was six months when she died. I swore to myself to protect him. Our father was often absent and... he wasn't the same after the death of our mother. Sam needed someone and I was this person. But then I... I started to go wrong and we grew apart. Until the day I... I was arrested. I haven't seen him since. He is safer away from me. And he's got Bobby today."

Castiel had already heard that name several times and he still did not know who he was. But Dean didn't give him time to ask a question. He continued almost immediately after taking a deep breath.

"Bobby was,a,friend of my father. A very good friend. He often watched over us when my father left to do whatever with whomever. And when my father died... he was the one who took us in here... in Sioux Falls. Sam stayed with him when I went to jail. He still lives there. He's happy with him... Bobby has always been a sort of father to him."

Castiel nodded again to signify his companion that he was listening even if he was now looking at Sam. Dean cleared his throat beside him, as if to drive a lump that it would have formed there. Castiel chose not to turn to face him. He was almost certain that his eyes were filled with tears now. He wanted to give him a semblance of privacy. A moment to pull himself together.

"Bobby runs a garage... he collects old cars, repairs and resell them. It's him who taught me everything I know about engines. He showed me how to work on it. It's him who insisted that I continue high school when I wanted to stop. Doesn't matter now of course, since I've never graduated. But I'm grateful for this. He is Sam's family now. Not me."

"You're still his big brother." Castiel reminded because he did not like what he heard from the lips of his companion.

Outside, Sam was once again kissing his girlfriend.

"Maybe, but he must hardly remember me. He was fourteen when I left and today... today he's sixteen... has a girlfriend and a bright future that opens up to him. I'm just a bad memory for him. I'm nothing."

Castiel sighed deeply. He did not like the way Dean had to run himself down constantly. He seemed to have come to believe he was worthless. That he did not matter for anyone and should disappear from the lives of people close to him to make them happy. He was wrong. Castiel was almost sure his brother missed him. That Bobby also missed him.

"I doubt that Dean. I understand why you wanted to put distance between you and them... but I don't think they could forget you. They must painfully miss you."

Dean did not seem convinced. Castiel turned to him and watched him a second. Now that he thought about it, there was something wrong in the story of his companion. If the young man hadn't talked to his brother for two years, how could he know the name of his girlfriend? How could he know that he was the best student in his class?

"You keep looking after him obviously... you know things about him that you should not know if you had actually chosen to forget him."

Dean nodded before running a hand over his face. He had wet cheeks but Castiel chose not to point it out.

"I make sure to know how he is. I drop by here regularly... I catch up on his news with Bobby. He's the one who told me 'bout Jessica. I want to be sure he's fine... I want to be sure he has everything he needs. I send money sometimes. But I don't know what he makes of it. I don't know if Bobby tells him it's from me. I can't be part of his life anymore. Doesn't mean I don't want to."

Castiel sensed the obvious desire of his companion to once again interact with his brother. He knew exactly what it could feel like when one was separated from a close family member. He had experienced it with Gabriel. He had felt much lighter when he had finally been able to get back in touch with him. Dean must feel terribly alone.

"Does Bobby know for... does he know what happened to you since?" He asked.

Dean immediately shook his head.

"When I came out of prison, he asked me to move back home. He begged me to move back. But I couldn't ... I wasn't ready... and after escaping... after having escaped them, I refused to let them run the slightest risk. I've told you... they are safer if I'm away. When I call, Bobby keeps telling me we will find a solution ... I have to go and it will help me. But he knows nothing of what I've experienced. He knows nothing of what I've done. He probably wouldn't offer me to put me up if that was the case."

Castiel looked down at his hands he had placed on his thighs. He suspected that this must not be easy for Dean to scrap his only family, only because he feared for them. He wished he could find a solution for him. Help him to get by and return to a normal life. But he didn't have this power.

"You must awfully miss Sam." He certified.

Dean remained silent for long seconds before finally speaking again.

"More than you can imagine. I think about him every day… all the time. I wonder what he'd say if he saw me. I wonder what he'd do in my place. I look back at all the things we lived together... the good times during childhood. Sometimes, it's as if... as if one of my limbs had been torn apart, ya know. But I know I'm doing this for his well being so... it helps a little."

Castiel doubted that it eases the sorrow he felt. Sorrow which had clearly visible on his face when he spoke of his brother. But again, he said nothing. He doubted that Dean would like to hear him contradict him on this point. He absolutely had to keep in mind that this did not concern him. He was not part of the family of the young man. He wasn't even really his friend. He was just a witness in this situation. And it did not give him the right to give his opinion and advice. He licked his lips and looked back at Sam who seemed to have finished his conversation with his girlfriend.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm dying to get out of this car and run to hug him. I'm dying to tell him that I'm alive and I'm fine... even if it's a lie and we both know it. I feel like I can never really be myself without him by my side. I was a big brother for seventeen years, then I was someone's thing and then Benny's boyfriend. Today, I am nothing... sometimes I feel like I'm nobody... like I don't really exist."

"You do exist for me." Castiel claimed.

It was probably not what he should have said. These few words betrayed the true feelings he had for Dean. Because it was no longer only a simple attraction. Castiel knew that even if he tried to deny it permanently. He had become attached to the young man. He had feelings for him. And he did not want to reveal their extent to his companion. It was inappropriate and it was useless. Soon Dean and him would part and they would never see each other again. Castiel needed to forget about what he may feel.

"Cas…" Whispered the young man, placing his hand on his thigh.

It was an intimate and affectionate gesture. Too intimate and too affectionate for Castiel. For he knew he could not hope this to mean anything for Dean. He did not want to be heartbroken. He did not want to suffer.

"I know Dean, I know… I know you don't want any…"

"Relationship… ties. Cas, I'm dangerous. So even if I had feelings for you, I would never be able to act accordingly. I can't make you take that risk. I said goodbye to love when I lost Benny. And you, you… you'll meet someone. I know this."

Castiel nodded even though his heart was screaming to insist. To ask the young man what he meant by "even if I had feelings for you". But he feared the answer. Worse still, he feared that his companion reacts badly. It was better to accept his words in silence and not seek to know more. Sometimes ignorance was the most pleasant solution.

"When we were little, Sam and I would often play in the parking lot of the motel where our father settled us in for a few days or weeks. We didn't have bikes or toys by the way, but we had a helluva good imagination. We dreamed up other lives, other names... a mission sometimes. We imagined we were in charge of hunting demons and monsters that nobody knew existed. We settled into our father's car. It was awesome. The best of times."

Castiel accepted the change of conversation with gratitude. He liked to hear Dean talk about himself. There was something fascinating in the way he had to evoke his little brother. Pride and overflowing love.

"But then, there were bad times... those where Dad forced us to move house without worrying that we had made friends or that it was the middle of the school year. We took our things... sometimes during the night... we got into the car and left without knowing where we were going. I always thought my father had a plan... an idea of what he wanted. But growing up, I had to face the facts. He didn't know what to do with us... with himself... he knew nothing since the death of our mother. And when anxiety rose... when things became too complicated for him, he drank."

Castiel had a vague idea of where this conversation was going and he did not want to hear the rest. He wondered how many events a boy of the age of Dean could overcome without completely losing his mind. Sometimes he wondered how the young man could keep going after all he had gone through.

"And when he drank, he tended to yell at us. Usually at Sammy because he was the youngest, the least apt to answer back but also the most likely to tell him a few home truths. I was the perfect son... I never contradicted my father and I followed his orders. But Sam… Sam refused to swallow the excuses he gave us. He wanted a normal life. When our father began to yell at him, I interposed myself... and then his anger immediately directed itself against me. I think I reminded him too much of our mother. I have her features and… her eyes too. Sometimes it was enough to calm him... sometimes on the other hand ... it reminded him of what he had lost and then he... he turned against me."

"He hit you?" Castiel asked as calmly as possible despite the anger that had seized him.

He already knew the answer. He knew Dean was a battered child. He had all the symptoms. He wondered how he could have not understood it before.

"Sometimes yes... he broke my arm once... that's what led Bobby to get us at his place... and chase my father by threatening him with his shotgun. I thought he would come for us when he'd be calmed down... but he never came back."

"How old were you?"

"Fifteen... sixteen when we learned of his death. This is when I started to take the wrong decisions. I dropped out of school and I made friends with the wrong people. Gordon Walker namely. It is with him that I got arrested two years later. You know the rest."

Castiel let out a deep sigh. Motherless at four years old. Lugged around from right to left by a father who beat him. Then tortured by a man who wanted to own him. On the run. Deprived of his kins and his only family. Dean had had an incredibly difficult life. Castiel admired him for not having given up earlier. Not having lost his mind and ended up cloistered in a mental asylum. The young man was brave and strong. He was incredible.

"Sam coped with his departure better than me. He liked Sioux Falls and loved Bobby like a father. He was happy to stay here but... I... I didn't feel at home. I had itchy feet. I had never had a house before that... never a place I really thought like "home". I was lost and stupid. I couldn't feel good here... Bobby had a lot of patience but I refused him to help me. And then Gordon... he's the first boy I... I went out with. I had denied what I was for a long time because I knew my father would never accept it. Bobby didn't give a damn… he just had doubts about him... he was worried about his influence on me. I told him to get lost. And then... the day of my trial, Sam was there... and he... he was so disappointed. This is the last time we talked to each other."

Castiel put his hand on the one Dean still had on his thigh. He wanted to provide support to the young man for lack of wiping all the bad memories that haunted him on a daily basis. He then turned to him.

"You're a brave person Dean. Many people would have given up if they had experienced the same thing."

"If I'm still here, it is partly thanks to Benny... and also in part thanks to Sam. I know I've disappointed him, but I still hope that he can one day be proud of me."

Castiel nodded. For long seconds, he and Dean silently looked each other in the eye. The young man was looking like he was thinking about what he should do next. He considerably leaned forward before abruptly moving back and turning his attention to Sam who was parting with Jessica and eventually moving away from them. Castiel could not help being frustrated. He knew that, for a second, Dean had wanted to kiss him. He probably would have let him.

"Sam deserves all this… he deserves this life. He deserves to have a family... a girlfriend and everything a boy his age would want. He doesn't need me. Not anymore. But when he was little, he always did the same thing as me... he dressed like me, listened to the same music and ate the same food or the same sweets. He regarded me as his role model. Ironic, don't you think?"

Castiel shrugged, squeezing a little more strongly Dean's hand in his own. He was surprised that the young man has not yet sought to skip out on this contact.

"Not really I guess. This is often what the little brothers and little sisters do. I remember worshiping my elders long to the point of wanting to do exactly the same thing as them. And then you grow up and you want to become a whole person. You become someone. But the admiration remains... even when you choose a completely different path."

"Maybe…" Dean conceded.

They then watched Sam cross the street before joining a car waiting on the other side. It was one of those old pickup truck one saw at every crossroad in the center of the US. The driver was a man about fifty years or so with a graying beard and a cap pulled down on his head. Bobby undoubtedly. Dean sank back into his seat when the car in which Sam had gotten in drove next to them.

"Was this Bobby?"

Dean immediately nodded, sitting up again. He then started the ignition and turned onto the road. For a few minutes, Castiel found nothing more to say. He was aware of having shared something important with his companion. But he did not know the meaning it had for Dean. Had he talked about all these things with Benny? Castiel did not like the idea of comparing himself to the man his companion had loved with all his being. They had nothing in common. But despite himself, he felt in competition with him. He didn't know yet what he would gain if indeed he emerged victorious from this story.

"Where are we going now?" He asked when the silence became unbearable.

Dean accelerated to overtake a car before abruptly pulling back in to avoid another one. Castiel was not particularly afraid in car and he had always found that his companion drove well but he could not help to verify that he had fastened his seat belt before tightening the door handle with all his might to avoid catching the steering wheel Dean was manhandling in his hands. Obviously, the young man seemed really eager to put distance between himself and his "family".

"As far away from here as possible... as fast as possible. This town is... it reminds me too many bad memories." Dean said when they passed the sign indicating they were leaving Sioux Falls.

This didn't actually spoke more about where they were going but he didn't ask any details. He had the feeling that Dean had no idea of the direction he wanted to take. He just seemed to feel the need to move away. After all, no one was waiting for them. They could go wherever they pleased. Their destination was not important.

"You're never felt good here? You have no good memories at Bobby's?"

Dean sped up a little and Castiel forced himself not to look at the speedometer. Once again, he preferred to remain in ignorance.

"I have few yes... I remember when Bobby taught me to work on the cars lying around here and there in his yard. I remember watching baseball games with him, drinking my first beers. I remember losing my virginity on his couch... although I doubt he knows it."

Castiel smiled faintly before turning to the young man.

"Boy or girl?"

Before the questioning look of Dean, he felt compelled to clarify.

"Was it a boy or a girl… the first time you made love?"

Dean bit his lip a second. Castiel shouldn't have broached this subject. He did not want to talk about sex with his companion. Not when they were locked in a car and that he had no escape route. He knew the risk he was running. But he could not withdraw his question now. It would have been worse still.

"Boy the first time… Gordon actually. He lived not far from here with his family. He was funny and... he was smokin' hot. We did it on Bobby's couch one day when we had skipped classes. A few months later, I was sleeping with a girl for the first time. It was awesome... but Gordon had a hold on me. Now that I think about it, I got the feeling of having always been controlled by someone... my father, Gordon and then... him. I guess I've always needed it."

Castiel said nothing and simply nodded. He preferred not to give his opinion on this issue. He doubted Dean likes it. He accepted that the young man has particular likings. But he did not like the idea that his companion feels the need to be controlled by someone.

"I lost my virginity to a boy named Balthazar... it was fast and not really satisfactory. Actually, I've only ever had one night stands."

"But you had a ball with some of your partners, didn't you?"

"With some, yes... not all. I think I'm not made for one night stands. I want to meet someone and have a real relationship. I want to fall in love."

Dean agreed with a head motion and Castiel immediately turned his face away. For he knew what his friend was thinking. Or to whom, be more precise. Benny. The only man he had loved in his life and the only one he would love until his death.

"I thought we could take the direction of New Orleans now... since it was our initial plan."

Castiel knew exactly why his friend wanted to go there. And even if he did not like the idea of following in Benny's footsteps, he saw no valid reason for refusing.

"'Tis fine with me." He assured, watching the scenery passing outside the window.

Dean then turned on the radio and sought for a few seconds a radio broadcasting old songs. He then whistled to the rhythm of a music Castiel did not know before opening the window to get his arms out.

"Cas, I wanted to tell you... actually I wanted to say thank you." The young man blurted out.

Castiel turned to him and stared at him for a second. He considered having done nothing extraordinary. He had not helped his companion to feel better. He had no miracle remedy to enable him to solve his problems. He had only sat down in his car and watched his brother for a long time. It was not much.

"I've never... I've never talked about these things with anyone but Benny and... it felt good to tell you that... to confide this to you. I know we got no future together, but I like to think we're friends now. Well, if you want to."

Castiel felt his heart racing immediately at the prospect. He had hoped to hear these words in the mouth of the young man for a while now. He was pleased to see that his hopes had not been in vain. He could never share anything more with his companion but he liked the idea of being his friend. Even if it was only temporary.

"It would be with pleasure Dean." He assured.

The young man let go of the steering wheel a second to pat his thigh. Castiel then felt a weight lift from his shoulders. He knew that things would get complicated between him and his companion. They would probably have to part shortly due to the people chasing Dean. But no matter how long they would spend together. Castiel liked the idea that he could count for his companion. That he could leave a mark. He wanted to have an impact on his life. A bit like Benny had been able to have one.

"You know, I think Sam would have liked you a lot." Dean said after a moment.

"Yeah?"

Dean nodded, raising his hand through the window to let the wind crashing over it. He spread his fingers and then tightened them at regular intervals as he did very often. Castiel watched him, fascinated.

"Yes ... you're really alike. I wish I could introduce you to him. He never met any of my friends... except Gordon. But Sam hated Gordon and Gordon hated Sam. They fought every time they saw each other."

Castiel looked away from his companion to look straight ahead. He wondered one second if Sam would also have liked Benny. He assumed that yes. Obviously, he was someone good.

"Did he know for you and him?"

Dean changed the radio station again when a commercial break followed a title of rock Castiel was sure to have heard without being able to remember where.

"He suspected it... I told him I was bi soon enough. He didn't mind. But I never told him I was sleeping with Gordon. He probably would have killed me if he had learned that. Woulda been right."

Castiel liked the idea that the young man had received the support of his relatives when he had told them about his sexuality. He knew he would never have received the same reaction from his parents. He probably would have been rejected immediately. It would have been the same with his siblings. Only Gabriel was sufficiently open-minded to accept him as he was. Castiel was grateful for this. But it was sometimes difficult to think that he would inevitably lose the majority of his family if he showed himself honest with them. He would probably do it one day. He was not ready yet.

"My parents won't accept it." He admitted despite himself.

Dean put his arm back inside the car to grab the steering wheel and lay his other hand on the thigh of Castiel once again. This gesture was nice but too recurring to the taste of Castiel. Because it gave him each time another hope. And he knew he would get nothing else.

"Your parents are jerks." Commented the young man.

Castiel could not contradict him on this point. He had never understood how it was possible to reject your own child simply because they were gay. But he had read too many stories on the Internet to ignore that it was extremely usual in religious families like his own. He had been to church often enough to know what his "community" thought of people like him. He had sought to deny his sexuality at this time. But then he had had to be realistic. He was not straight and would never be. He did not want to become a doctor either. The only solution was flight. And this was exactly what he had done.

"They should be proud of you… because I am." Dean added after a few seconds.

Castiel wanted to ask why. After all, they barely knew each other. But the young man had removed his hand from his thigh and the moment was gone. Castiel settled for accepting the words of his companion and keeping them in a corner of his brain. They were nice to hear. Nobody had ever said such things to him. Not even his parents. And not even when he was rated excellent in all his exams. It was probably ironic that these words he had always wanted to hear were finally uttered by a young man he knew only for a short time. However, he assumed that it was rather logical. Dean and himself had not had the same experiences, but they had a lot in common. They were both on the run. They had trouble accepting themselves for what they were. And they had an almost constant need for recognition. Castiel smiled, looking back through the passenger window. He did not know how things would end with Dean. He suspected that he would suffer regardless of the outcome. But he had already learned a lot from the young man. And that was one of the reasons he would never regret to have met him. He had run a risk by stopping to pick him up. He continued to run some by staying at his side. He had however, taken many things from this. Traveling with Dean was an exciting adventure. It was also terrifying. But it was above all extremely rewarding. He knew he would learn much about himself through contact with his companion. Maybe even would he end up finding out what he wanted to do with his life. He was eager to see what the future had in store for them. For despite the risks and dangers, Castiel was not yet ready to give up on his new friend.

 


	13. Forced Separation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,
> 
> Here is the 13th chapter. It's not very joyful and no bearer of good news but I want to reassure you, this will be very short. Just the time of a chapter...
> 
> Thank you to continue to read me and to write to me.
> 
> Enjoy your reading
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> Demons by Imagined Dragons
> 
> Chapter 13: Forced separation
> 
>  
> 
> Krohma's notes : Hi everyone, I truly wanted to apologize for the delay and very late posting. Things haven't exactly been at best in my personal life, and unfortunately it impacted my writing rhythm. I don't know if my pace will be disrupted again, or for how long, so I wanted to apologize in advance because the next chapters might come way later than expected. Again, sorry, and thank you for your understanding and loyalty.
> 
>  
> 
> Warnings : swearing, language, mention of alcohol and drunkeness, cemetary, mention and reference of character death, degrading language, belittling, verbal humiliation, mention and reference of emotional manipulation, mention and reference of physical and emotional tortures, physical violence, implied flashbacks and recurrences of past trauma, shock, mention of suicidal thoughts, mention of suicide

" _Danger breeds best on too much confidence_ "

Pierre Corneille

 

They did not talk about Sam or Bobby in the few days on the road they had to travel to reach Louisiana. They did not talk about Dean's past when they were sitting together in a restaurant or in a fast food. They discussed the landscapes, the weather, people around them and what to see or do in New Orleans. But as since the beginning between them, they evoked no significant topic. Castiel was unsettled by his companion. Sometimes he opened up to him completely, confiding to him extremely personal things and then he became totally withdrawn and no longer said anything significant. It was worse than a roller coaster. It was exhausting. Castiel never knew what was going to happen with the young man. He did not know when or how he would eventually tackle important issues. He was caught off guard every time. And the treatment he received then made his blood boil. He sometimes felt like Dean blamed him for having forced him to confide. This was not true of course. But the young man had never had ordinary reactions. And if it had the knack of getting on Castiel's nerves most of the time, he had learned to manage his emotions and accepted that his companion hides behind the shell he had forged around himself.

After leaving Sioux Falls, they reached Omaha in Nebraska and then Kansas City. They stopped on the way to rest and enjoy some of the last warm days before autumn sets in sustainably.

They stayed two days in Kansas to enjoy the few people that were there at this time of the year. They then reached Fort Smith in Arkansas. There, they spent a memorable evening in a local bar where Dean taught to play pool to Castiel. Before his failure to follow his guidance and recommendations, the young man ended up getting behind him and grabbed his hands to show him how to do. Castiel could not help but appreciate their proximity and feel the whole body of his companion pressing against his own. He refrained from rocking his buttocks when he realized the curious looks that attracted their position. They eventually parted and resumed their game. They then drank excessively and eventually joined their motel, laughing like two idiots.

The next day they crossed the border between Arkansas and Louisiana. They stopped for the night in Shreveport. Dean was visibly nervous as they were approaching their destination. He also seemed particularly enthusiastic. Castiel had understood that this city mattered for him because it reminded him of Benny. And if he still felt in competition with the former lover of his companion - although the latter is dead and buried - he was nevertheless pleased to see that Dean wanted to share this experience with him. It necessarily meant something. They weren't strangers. They were friends. And Castiel finally had the feeling of being part of the life of his companion. Benny had his heart and would probably have it until the end of the life of the young man. But he also had his place in this story. Not the one he wanted but he perfectly made do with it. He was happy to be there. He asked for nothing more.

When they left Shreveport, all that remained were five hundred and fifty kilometers to do to join New Orleans and they reached the outskirts of the city in mid-afternoon.

Dean had been totally silent during the last hundred kilometers. Castiel had not sought to make him talk. He knew what the place meant to him and what it reminded him. He knew exactly whom the young man was thinking about when they passed the sign indicating they had reached their destination. He stopped at the first affordable motel they saw and then took care of booking two rooms without giving any departure date. At this time of the year, there were only a few tourists and the staff seemed happy to see them. Castiel smiled and thanked them for their welcome before joining his companion in the parking lot. They put their belongings in their rooms and then met again in front of the car. Dean was smoking a cigarette, looking around him. Castiel had often heard of New Orleans and he was eager to get to the downtown to soak up the atmosphere that prevailed there. He read and reread what the tour guide of his companion said of the French Quarter. He was dying to go but he did not intend to force the hand of the young man. He needed time and Castiel was willing to grant him some.

He therefore contented himself with waiting until Dean had finished his cigarette by observing the few comings and goings around them. They were a few kilometers from the city center, but they could not afford to find accommodation closer. Their finances were limited and it would have been pointless to spend their money foolishly. Castiel knew his companion preferred to settle in the outskirts of big cities to avoid getting stuck if indeed they had to flee in a hurry. It was one of many things he would rather continue to ignore. He had become great at turning a blind eye to what should have be important.

Dean finally threw his cigarette butt to the ground and crushed it with his foot. He then thrust his hands into his pockets and turned to face Castiel. The latter was patiently waiting for his instructions as to the rest of the day. He did not intend to take initiatives. They were here partly because Dean needed to come to town to feel close to Benny. And even if Castiel continued to believe that his companion was wrong to remain as attached to a man he had lost a year earlier, he did not mean to give the impression that he could not care less.

So he watched the young man approach the driver's door, clearly determined to drive himself. Castiel had no objection to this. But he was dying to know what his companion had in mind.

It was only when Dean was settled behind the wheel, belt fastened and window open to allow air to enter, that he finally broke the silence for the first time for several hours.

"I want you to meet Benny." He announced.

Castiel frowned, surprised by what his friend had just said. He wanted to joke, to remind the young man that to succeed, they were going to need a good "ouija" but refrained at the last moment. Dean was still in love with Benny and still suffering from his death. He instead turned his face to his companion and watched him clench the steering wheel in his hands.

"I want you to come with me to the cemetery." Dean then clarified.

He then started the engine and adjusted the rear-view mirror to see behind the car. Castiel said nothing for several seconds, unable to find the right words. He knew the gesture of his companion had a significant meaning for their relationship. He was probably the first with whom he wished to share this moment. But he was not sure he wanted to. He was grateful to Benny even without knowing him. He knew he had saved the life of the young man by loving him despite all the risks he had to take to be with him. He had given him the urge to run away and escape the clutches of the monster who had done him so much harm. But he was also the man Dean would love his whole life. The one who would probably prevent the young man to entrust his heart to someone else in the future. Castiel hated him a bit for that. Although he knew it was totally irrational.

"This is something I often did in the first months. I felt the need to talk to him even though I know he doesn't hear me… and then, I left. I no longer had this constant need to be close to him. I had come to understand that it wasn't his tombstone that brought me closer to him, but the feelings I still had for him. Often I… I still talk to him at night… I tell him my day. I told him about you. I told him you were helping me and… now I'd like to introduce you."

Castiel immediately forgot the jokes he had nearly done and his reluctance to accompany Dean to the cemetery. But what he heard in the voice of the young man convinced him to do so. There was sincerity in his tone, and a lot of hope. Castiel couldn't disappoint him. He was starting to realize the importance of what his companion was asking him to do. He wanted to take him to the place where was buried the man he still loved. He had told him about him. He had become important for him. He mattered, and he wanted Benny to also know this. Castiel was moved. And for a second, he was unable to say anything. He swallowed hard and ran a hand over his face before answering.

"I would be truly honored." He assured sincerely.

Dean nodded, then focused on the road. Castiel turned once again his head to the passenger window. He watched the houses and buildings that formed the suburbs of New Orleans. He watched people who were going back up the streets. None seemed to pay attention to them. Castiel chose not to say anything until they arrive. He could feel the tension in his companion and he did not see what he could say to make things easier for him.

They drove a half hour before Dean eventually leaves their vehicle in the parking lot of the cemetery. He got out of the car and immediately lit a cigarette. Castiel then joined him at the gate and crossed his arms over his chest. He let the young man smoke without trying to talk to him. He had never been directly confronted with death. He had lost none of his relatives and he had never been in a cemetery. He did not know how it was appropriate to behave and he had no idea what his companion could feel. There was nothing worse in the world than losing someone you loved with all your heart. Castiel felt for Dean. He was too young to have already suffered this much.

When the young man had finished his cigarette, he threw it in front of him on the road and entered the cemetery. The aisles were completely deserted. Castiel looked around curiously. The place was not dark or seedy as he had feared. The gravestones were well maintained. Flowers had been laid here and there. The grass around them was clean and mowed short. The sun was shining above their heads, making the place more pleasant. Castiel had never believed in ghosts or spirits. But there was something almost palpable around him. A special atmosphere which significantly made him feel uncomfortable. Death. It was all around them. Castiel shivered while Dean was leading him through the aisles with confidence and determination. They eventually turned right, then left, and finally stilled in front of a grave. The white marble that adorned it was covered in a few pots of flowers, most seeming to cruelly lack water. The headstone was rectangular and beautiful. On it, several things were engraved. Castiel took a few seconds to read them. " _Benny Laffite. 1981 – 2013. We have been through hell together. We will meet again on the other side_ ". Castiel frowned. He then took one look at Dean. The young man had his hands thrust in his pockets and his eyes fixed on the tombstone of his former boyfriend. His eyes were shining with unshed tears. Castiel had the feeling of being in the way at this moment. He wished he could disappear.

"Benny had no more family… not anyone. I'm the one who financed it all… I wanted him to rest where he wanted to grow old. It was important for him… this city was important for him."

Castiel did not know what to say to his companion. He did not know Benny and he did not know much about their history. He hoped that his presence alone would be enough to appease him a minimum. He wanted to play his role of friend. He watched Dean kneel before the grave of his former boyfriend and put his hand on the white marble that covered the floor.

"Hey Benny, it's me." Murmured the young man before sighing deeply.

Castiel wondered what it brought to his companion to address like this to his former boyfriend. Did he get a form of comfort from this? He knew Dean was not the only one to feel the need to talk to a dead person to continue to feel close to them.

"It's been a while that I haven't come to see you. I didn't forget you ya know… I keep thinking about you… everyday. I miss you Benny. I miss you terribly. But I am not alone now. And that's why I came. I wanted you to meet someone… Castiel. He's the one I told you about. The one who picked me on the roadside and agreed to accompany me. I think the two of you would have well gotten along. You really are alike on some points."

Castiel knelt in his turn to be at the height of his companion. He did not know whether to say something or whether he should simply listen. He was not necessarily very comfortable with the idea of addressing to a dead person. He did not believe in life after death. He had lost his faith when he had understood that Church would refuse to accept him as he was. But he knew the importance that this kind of belief could have when one had to grieve. And if Dean needed to believe that Benny was in Heaven, he was not about to contradict him.

"I know you're glad to know me with him. You often told me that I should certainly not stay alone too long. That I deserved to be supported and loved. But when you left… when you left, I had no interest in anything anymore. These days, I'm better. And I owe this mostly to Castiel."

Dean bent down and pressed a kiss to the cold marble at his feet. Castiel immediately felt a lump in his throat. What the young man had just said of him touched him tremendously. He had hoped he could help him and play a role in his life. He knew now that he had been right to hold on. He had reached his goal. He smiled weakly and mentally vowed to Benny to continue to take care of Dean. If he really could hear them, he supposed he needed to be assured of this.

"How touching!"

Castiel jumped, hearing a man's voice behind his back. He had not heard anyone approach them. But he had clearly been deep in thoughts. He stood up quickly and faced the man who had just talked to them. Dean meanwhile remained in the same position.

"Dean, do you not wish to greet me?"

Castiel felt panic overcome him when he realized this man knew his companion. Which could only mean one thing… He was one of those who were looking for him. They were in danger. And it was confirmed when Dean grabbed his ankle and quickly squeezed it. The gesture seemed to have escaped the man standing before him. But Castiel had no idea what it meant.

"Dean, I am really disappointed in your lack of enthusiasm about me… I thought the boss had taught you some manners. Obviously, he'll have to resume your education and training as soon as I'll bring you back to him."

Castiel took a few seconds to study their opponent. If he had to fight against him, it was necessary to assess the opposition he would meet. The man was older than them. He was probably in his early forties. He seemed Hispanic, had a black beard and black hair. His eyes were also dark and his skin had a tanned hue. He was wearing a plaid shirt and blue jeans. He was not very tall but he was muscular. Castiel doubted to stand a chance against him.

"When I was told to watch the place, I was pretty sure I would return empty-handed. I didn't think you were stupid enough to come back here… but obviously, I had overestimated you. And it's even more stupid to have brought with you your boyfriend. You know he won't be happy to know that you haven't been faithful to him."

"Fuck you!" Dean flung finally standing up.

Castiel was completely paralyzed. He did not know whether to flee or try to pounce on the man who was standing a few meters away. His whole body was tense but he was unable to move. He was absolutely terrified.

"What a coarse remark Dean! You were tamed better!"

Castiel shivered at the word "tamed". It spoke volumes about how Dean had been treated in the past and the image that all these men had of him. He had been considered an animal that one possesses and of which one does whatever one wants.

"But I'm willing to forgive this small lapse if you follow me without making a fuss. I am even ready to spare your boyfriend if you put up no resistance."

Castiel immediately seized the arm of Dean to keep him from moving in the direction of their opponent and accepting this deal. Sure, he was aware that he was taking an unreasonable risk. The wise decision would have been to let his companion join the man who was awaiting him and to leave the opposite way. But he refused to let them win. He could defend himself. He was perfectly capable of fighting if necessary.

"Out of question!" He hurled to indicate the man before him that he did not accept this deal.

"Oh but he does have a tongue then." The latter replied. "I'll be thrilled to cut it."

Castiel knew this was not an idle threat. This man was totally serious. He was a killer. Not just an henchman. Everything about him exuded a barely contained violence. Although he was unarmed, he was absolutely terrifying. Castiel swallowed hard while Dean freed himself from his grasp and was taking a step forward and one to the side to stand between Castiel and their opponent.

"I ain't letting you hurt him Edgar. You came for me… he has nothing to do with this. Wanna fight? Good. But you'll fight me. Cause you know I won't follow you obediently. You know I'll never go back to him. Not after what he did to Benny."

"Oh please Dean… no need to dramatize. Benny was feckless anyway. He made you come once or twice and you were ready to ditch everything for him? You know he would have grown tired of you. You're probably a good lay but you have nothing more to offer. The only thing you can do well is to obey… oh and spread your legs. Benny would have eventually understood it."

Castiel knew Edgar had gone too far by evoking Benny and making fun of the relationship he had had with Dean. He felt his companion tense upon hearing the name of the man he loved in the mouth of his opponent. And he was not surprised to see him pounce on. It took him a few seconds to react in his turn. He rushed to the two men who had fallen to the ground and were exchanging punches. He wanted to help but did not know what to do. He eventually caught Edgar's shoulders and immobilized him so Dean could bring down his fist in his face.

"Benny was worth a hundred times better than you all together. I know you were there on the day of his death! And it's gonna cost you a lot."

Castiel could feel Dean's tremendous anger in his tone. He probably should have told him to knock Edgar out and take flight immediately. But the young man seemed determined to take revenge on his opponent. He strung punches together without being concerned about one seeing him or about hurting himself. When Edgar stopped struggling, Castiel released his shoulders, convinced that he had lost consciousness. That was his second mistake. For no sooner had he removed his hands from their opponent that he was turning to the side to grab a gun in his back. He then managed to remove Dean of his legs, and without Castiel had time to react, he twisted the situation in a flash and ended up pressing the barrel of his gun against Dean's temple. Castiel instantly raised his hands before him in a gesture he hoped calming. Edgar had his lip and eyebrow arch open. But he didn't seem to care. He was now pressed against the back of Dean, one arm around his neck and his gun pushed against his temple.

"Okay, joke over. Since you do not seem prone to show yourself reasonable, I'll have to force you to follow me." Edgar explained coldly.

Castiel had to try something. He absolutely had to help Dean. But he doubted to be able to take the firearm from his opponent before he had time to shoot the young man. Or himself. In all cases, he was totally helpless. And it made him absolutely furious.

"No way… you'll have to kill me." Dean replied, struggling.

Edgar then tightened his grip around his neck, probably depriving him of oxygen. Castiel knew things were about to degenerate. He cursed himself for not being able to defend himself or fight properly. He probably should have agreed to boxing as his father had often asked. He would have looked less stupid.

"You know full well I cannot kill you. You belong to Al and it will be for him to decide whether or not you deserve to die. But I can hurt you and explain that you didn't leave a choice to me. And then I'll kill your boyfriend and you'll have lost everything."

"I won't let you hurt him."

"Oh Dean, you really think you have a choice?"

Castiel knew they didn't hold all the cards. They were at Edgar's mercy. He saw no solution. He would most likely die and Dean would be forced to return to the man who had done him so much harm. "Al". Castiel swallowed hard. He had never thought one day finding himself in this type of situation. He wasn't strong enough. Nor brave enough. He was too weak to help his companion. And Edgar was trained. He was a professional. They didn't stand a chance.

"You're so naive… I always thought Al was making a mistake by keeping you with him. I knew you'd end up betraying him. He should have followed the advice of Dick and bury your body somewhere where no one could find it. But he always said he would never find anyone as expressive… as enjoyable to hear screaming and crying. He had become attached to you and I think he couldn't contemplate life without your little... sessions. What a shame. He could have found someone else and we would have been done with you for good."

Castiel was disgusted by what he was hearing. Disgusted by how Edgar treated Dean. He was not surprised by his scorn but he had never believed to meet someone as cruel and devoid of humanity. It was surreal. He clenched his teeth to try to keep a semblance of control over his emotions. Dean had stopped struggling. Obviously, the words of Edgar had awakened painful memories that made him docile. Castiel knew then that everything depended on him. He studied his opponent and looked for an opening. He then realized he had one. However Edgar was stronger than him and certainly fully trained to deal with such situations, he was nevertheless too confident. He did not consider Castiel as a threat. And he was losing valuable time by verbally humiliating Dean. This was a chance for Castiel to get the upper hand.

"I can get what he saw in you physically… at least at the beginning. Dick too. You were young and innocent and so handsome. But after a few months with him, you had nothing attractive. You were worn out, dirty and humiliated. I probably would have felt bad for you if I had a heart… He should have gotten rid of you. I still don't understand why he cared so much about keeping you with him. But I guess he found an interest in it. Maybe seeing you bleed was still appealing. Who knows. I wouldn't be against the idea of trying you once or twice. Of course, we both know it would probably make him mad with rage. I don't want to end up like Benny. I care too much about life to ruin it with a second-class whore like you."

This time it was the attack too much. Castiel couldn't hear more. He ignored the sense of what Edgar said, ignored what it meant about the "usefulness" of Dean for "Al". He would care when they would finally be safe. He clenched his fists while Edgar was busy licking the neck of Dean - Castiel had never seen anything this disgusting - and rushed at him suddenly to benefit from the fact that he was distracted. He grabbed the arm of his opponent and pulled with all his strength to push the firearm aside from Dean. He heard the shot go, felt the recoil of the gun and the force of the explosion echoing in his muscles. But he put all that aside and slammed his fist into the face of Edgar. His fingers immediately protested. However, he gave a second blow. A new shot rang in his ears - it was much louder than in the movies - and for a second he was slightly destabilized. He heard a cry - that of Edgar or Dean, he could not tell - and then felt a sharp pain in his sternum. He couldn't have been injured. He couldn't have been shot. But the pain was stinging and he thought he was going to die. He fell back and closed his eyes. The impact in his back was violent. He expected to be shot - for the first or second time, he was not sure - and was surprised not to feel the metal pierce his skin. He opened his eyes again and fixed them on the other two men. Dean finally seemed to be out of his torpor. He was fighting with Edgar and had come out on top. He gave a kick to his opponent and then a new punch. When Edgar fell in his turn, Castiel stepped back with his hands and feet to not be crushed under his weight. He saw Dean retrieve the firearm of his enemy. But he didn't shoot him like Castiel had expected. He just blew it in his temple to knock him out for good before putting it into the waistband of his pants. Castiel took advantage of the respite to look at his torso. There was no blood on his t-shirt. He lifted it precautionary and was relieved to find that he had not received any bullet. Edgar must have just hit him in the sternum. He wasn't going to die. He sat down, wincing, and then took the hand Dean was extending to him to help him up again. Without speaking, they then took the direction of the exit of the cemetery. The sound of gunfire must have apprised people and the police would be here soon. Castiel opened the car as soon as they were out and then started it when Dean was settled next to him. He left the parking lot and then quickly drove into the traffic. They drove in silence to the edge of the city. Castiel's ribs now hurt him and he was beginning to fear to have fractured one or more. He had trouble breathing. But he was alive. And nothing else mattered. He accelerated significantly when the speed limit signs authorized him to but resisted the urge to drive faster. They absolutely have to not attract attention. It was a miracle that no one had come upon them in the cemetery. A miracle they had not been caught by the police.

"Are you okay?" Dean finally asked when they arrived at the motel.

Castiel didn't really know how to answer this question. He was hurting all over. He was terrified and his whole body was shaking. He supposed that meant he was definitely not okay. But he was still breathing and it was more than he had hoped. He nodded.

"You shouldn't have done what you did… you should have run away and left me with him."

"For him to bring you back there? Out of question." Castiel protested.

He entered the motel's parking lot and then cut the engine. He then leaned over the steering wheel to catch his breath. He was dizzy and had a furious desire to throw up.

"What now?" He whispered without looking at Dean.

He was counting on the young man to tell him what to do. He did not know how to handle this situation.

"Now you gather your stuff and you go as far as possible from here. You don't look back. You take the direction of Chicago and you go find your brother."

Castiel immediately shook his head. He didn't want to leave without Dean. The young man could not ask him to abandon him now. Even though it was undoubtedly the most sensible thing to do.

"Without you? No."

Dean then opened the door and stepped out of the car. Castiel straightened up with difficulty - his ribs were hurting terribly now - and joined the young man halfway to his room. He grabbed him by the arm to force him to face him.

"Dean, you can't ask me to leave you here… not now." He begged.

His companion pushed him with both hands and easily pulled away from his embrace.

"This isn't a game Cas… these people… they'll kill you if you stay with me. I refuse to have your death on my conscience. Not after… not after Benny."

"Dean…"

"No, enough. I ain't leaving you the choice. It has lasted too long. We can't continue like this."

Castiel knew he was right. He knew he should have never come back to the young man after finding a gun in his bag. He should have seized this opportunity to put himself in safety. But he could not accept the idea of being away from Dean. He knew what it meant. If he let him go now, he would never see him again. He would never hear from him again.

"No, you need me." He protested.

Dean shook his head, looking around. Their argument had not yet attracted the attention of anyone but they were not sufficiently discreet. They had to be careful.

"Cas, I am grateful for what you've done for me but it must stop now. You can't… you can't ignore the risks. Hell, you could have died today. This is too much… I ain't letting you put yourself at risk for me. It was nice, but it's over now. Our paths diverge here and now."

Dean seemed determined and Castiel knew he would fail to make him change his mind. He yet wanted to try.

"What are you gonna do alone? You'll keep running away? You'll end up being killed… or they'll catch you and lead you to this monster. I refuse this."

"It's my life Cas… it's my choice. I accepted the idea of dying a long time ago now. I made mistakes and I know I'll eventually pay for it. But I refuse them to have an impact on those who are close to me. I chose to protect Sam and Bobby. I also choose to protect you… to save you from all these people who are after me. I am dangerous for you. All this… it was a stinging reminder."

Castiel ran a trembling hand over his face. He could not believe the turn that events had taken. He would never have believed that this day would turn like this.

"Then what? The next time I'll hear your name, it'll be in the obituary column or in the news when they'll announce your death between two other various facts? You can't ask me that…" Castiel claimed.

Dean then grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him close to him until their faces were only a few centimeters from each other.

"If you stay, it's our two names that'll be found in the obituary column. And I refuse to inflict that to your family. I ask nothing from you Castiel. I demand you to go. I want you to live."

"I want you to live too!" Castiel retorted, beside himself.

Dean cocked his head to the side and for a second, he seemed about to give way. But his face hardened almost immediately and he sighed deeply.

"I am condemned since the day I met Al. I'm on borrowed time Castiel. I am for over two years and I know I don't have much time left. But it's okay… it's no big deal. I've accepted death. I even wait for it sometimes. I'm not saying that I'll make it easy for them. I intend to fight to the end."

"Edgar said he didn't want to kill you… that he wanted to take you back to him."

"I won't let them. I have a gun and if necessary, I'll shoot myself in the head to stop it all."

Castiel did not like the idea of Dean wanting to end his life. But he could understand his desire to escape the monster who had inflicted him so much suffering and killed the man he loved. He lowered his head to escape the gaze of the young man. He would not succeed in convincing him to go with him. He wasn't even really sure of wanting it. He wasn't ready to die. He wanted to see Gabriel again. He wanted to find his niche and to have a future. He had to give up on Dean. He had to accept to let him go. Even though it broke his heart and made him want to cry. It was time for him to be reasonable.

"It's the last time we see each other, huh?" He asked, feeling the tears well up in his eyes.

One of Dean's hands let go of his shoulder to lay under his chin and force him to raise his head. He did not resist and was surprised to read sadness in the green gaze of the young man.

"Probably yes… certainly. But that doesn't mean I'll forget you."

"I won't forget you either." Castiel assured.

It was sincere. He did not think he could ever forget the young man. Not after what he had learned about him and his past. Not after what they had experienced together. And certainly not now that he knew with certainty that he had strong feelings for him.

"Thanks for the trip… thank you for listening to me and thank you for trusting me." Dean whispered, leaning towards Castiel.

Their breaths were mingling between their faces. It was intimate and intense. Probably risky in the middle of a parking lot where everyone could see them. But Castiel did not intend to push back the young man though. He needed this proximity. Needed to memorize the body heat of Dean, the unique scent that emanated from him and the freckles that were scattered on his face. He wanted to remember for the rest of his life to the exact color of his eyes.

"Thanks to you." Castiel replied softly.

"For what?" Dean was astonished. "For nearly getting you killed?"

Castiel slightly shook his head.

"No, for the rest."

"The rest?"

Dean seemed genuinely curious to know why Castiel felt the need to thank him. How to make him understand without telling him that he had feelings for him?

"For the experience… for the advices and for… for trusting me." He finally explained.

Of course it was far from what he really wanted to say. But he could not confess the rest. Not when they were about to separate for good. However, he mentally continued the list as his eyes were glued to those of the young man. He hoped the message was clear this way. Thank you for being yourself. Thank you for letting me touch you. Thank you for bolstering me in the fact that I was gay. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for letting me love you even if you knew it would never go further. He felt tears rolling down his face and closed his eyes when Dean wiped them away with his lips. He memorized their texture against his skin and felt a shiver run down his spine when the young man finally kissed him on the lips. It was a chaste kiss. Nothing more than a quick caress. But this simple contact was enough to fully electrify Castiel. He would remember this moment all his life. When he opened his eyes, Dean was stepping back, smiling sadly.

"Promise me to take care of you Cas… promise me to never let anyone tell you what you should be or do. And promise me never to lose this light that drives you."

Castiel nodded, ready to swear anything to soothe the young man. Dean stroked his cheek one last time before finally turning his back and heading towards his room. Castiel kept watching him until he goes inside and then he ran to his own room. When he was in, he locked the door behind him. He then collapsed on his bed and put his head in his hands. He knew he had to leave quickly. He did not have the time to stay longer in this motel to cry over what he had lost. But he did not want to meet Dean outside. He couldn't bear to. He then remained on his bed for what seemed an eternity by reviewing the events of the day in his head. He had come close to death. He had fought. And now, he was alone again. He would follow the advice of Dean and immediately return to Chicago. He doubted to be able to drive very long with the pain he still felt in the ribs. But he would force himself to do so. He had made a promise to his companion. He well intended to keep it. Although the prospect of leaving him behind him was breaking his heart. He hoped that time would somewhat ease the pain. Both physical and emotional. He had the sensation of being in ruins. It was totally surreal. He barely knew Dean. He could not possibly have become this attached to him in such a short time. But he could not deny it though. For now he knew for sure what he felt for the young man. He was in love with him. And even time could do nothing against it.


	14. Apologies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Happy New Year to everyone. I hope you had a very merry Christmas, and I hope the New Year celebrations were good too. I wish you happiness, success, health and achieving your dreams for you and all your loved ones.
> 
> Here is the 14th chapter of this story. Castiel and Dean have not been separated a long time even if they aren't physically together in this chapter. Things will quickly get complicated for them... but patience.
> 
> I thank all those who read me and write to me, and again my best wishes for happiness!
> 
> Good reading,
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> Trouble by Cat Stevens
> 
> Warnings: Swearing, language, reference to physical violence, reference to homophobia.
> 
> Krohma's notes: Hello guys. I deeply apologize for the delayed posting, and I hope you don't hate me and it didn't make you want to give up on this wonderful fic. I will now be way more able to write than during the last months, but I can't promess anything about the posting pace. Again, sorry, and I hope you'll enjoy this chapter.

 

 

 " _Absence only hurts from those we love_ "

Corneille

 

Castiel had only traveled a hundred kilometers after parting with Dean. He had been unable to stay longer sitting behind the wheel and had chosen to stop away from all cities, somewhere in Louisiana to avoid being spotted. He was not sure the persons hunting down Dean were also after him, but he would not take risks. He slept with one eye open that night, constantly thinking of his companion and wondering where he could be at the same time.

He took the road the next day when the sun had risen and managed to drive to Fort Smith. He stopped again in a motel away from everything. He dreamed of Edgar and Dean and woke up screaming. He was exhausted when he got into his car. But he knew he would never be able to rest until he had joined Gabriel and Chicago. He considered his brother as his only hope of salvation. He did not yet know what he would tell him of everything that had happened to him. But he had no intention of revealing the secrets of the young man.

The next day, he had some difficulty in forgetting the pain in his ribs and he had to stop after five hours drive at the edge of Manhattan, Kansas. He spent the afternoon and evening in his room watching old movies in black and white. He had no real appetite since splitting with Dean but he forced himself to eat a burger that he had taken at the fast food not far away. He did not sleep better and eventually spent a good part of the night thinking about what he could have said or done to convince his companion to stay.

He knew it was not normal to feel such strong things for a man he barely knew. He could have perfectly handled his physical attraction to him. He had done so since their meeting. But he had no idea how to do to forget that he was in love with him. He had never been in this situation. He had the impression he could never get over it. His heart was broken in two and he constantly felt like crying. He sometimes wondered how Dean could keep going after losing Benny. He was obviously stronger than himself.

Castiel took the road while it was still dark. He drove nine hours straight to reach Chicago. He only stopped a few times to put gasoline in his car, swallow a tacos of questionable taste on the side of the road and call Gabriel to apprise him of his arrival. His brother seemed enthusiastic to know him so close and Castiel let his joy warm his heart a little.

He paid no attention to the landscape around him. He did not marvel at the incredible nature that passed before his tired eyes. He was not in a mood to visit anything. He no longer saw the road as a refuge or as an existing adventure. Everything seemed gray and oppressive. He was constantly forced to look over his shoulder and he missed Dean too much. When he finally saw the first buildings indicating he was approaching Chicago, he forced himself to put aside the fears he had for the young man to not worry his brother. He had the greatest difficulty in the world to locate the building where Gabriel lived. He had to call the latter three times to be guided. And when he finally located his street, night had fallen and the wind was blowing hard around him. Chicago was known as a windy city. Obviously, its reputation was not usurped.

Castiel parked his car right outside the door of the building where lived Gabriel. He took his bag off the trunk then rang the intercom. When he got the opening of the door, he entered the hall and took a few seconds to look around. The place was clean and obviously recent. It was not particularly luxurious nor unhealthy. It was the kind of carefully maintained building in which he could perfectly consider living. He cast a glance at the mailbox of his brother to check the floor where his apartment was and then opted for the stairs. He climbed up slowly, his ribs still painful. He had hesitated to go to a doctor on the road but had renounced. He did not want to leave any trace and risk revealing where he was going. He absolutely did not want to put Gabriel in danger.

The latter was waiting outside the door of his apartment, a big smile on the lips. Castiel quietly joined him. When he read the joy on his face, he finally dropped his bag and threw himself into his arms. Gabriel held him against himself, accentuating the pain in his ribs and Castiel let him. He took the energy he badly needed in the embrace of his brother. Then, when the latter released him, he rubbed his face lengthily to check that there were no tears on his cheeks and then raised his head to look Gabriel in the eye.

"Cassie, you okay?"

Castiel should have known his brother would guess immediately that something was wrong with him. He had a sixth sense when it was about him.

"I'm fine. I'm just… I'm tired. The road was long."

It was not entirely false. He was really exhausted by all the kilometers he had drove to join Chicago. But he was not fine. He was far from being fine. He missed Dean. He was scared for his life and that of the young man. And he had known his first heartache. He did not, however, intend to tell Gabriel. At least not for now. He wanted to sleep and try to forget everything else. Although he doubted that this was actually possible.

"Okay bro. No worries. I prepared a room for you. You hungry?"

Castiel shook his head and followed Gabriel inside the apartment. The place was spacious and warm. The furniture looked new and was completely mismatched. But it was quite to the tastes of Gabriel. Obviously, he had chosen to decorate the place himself. It made a change from the impersonal and cold inside of the house where they had both grown up. Gabriel had hung several old movies posters on the walls. Castiel peeked into the kitchen opening on the living room. It was fully equipped and obviously in the latest fashion. Gabriel had always had a gift for cooking. This unfortunately was not a talent that their parents had come to appreciate. Castiel was glad to see that he had finally fulfilled his dream. He hoped to be able to do the same one day. He just had to find what he wanted to do. He sighed, entering the living room. There was a huge TV in a corner with the last word in game console connected just below. The couch was in brown leather and seemed quite comfortable. In the back of the room, a large bay window opened onto a huge balcony. The place was very nice. On the walls, Castiel recognized some pictures of their childhood. None showed their parents. There were only Gabriel, himself, and on some Michael, Luke, Uriel and Anna. Castiel was wondering what his other siblings thought of his departure. He hoped to be able to contact them once things would have subsided.

"I know you're tired but you should eat something. I cooked chicken. Sit down while I'll get you a plate." Gabriel explained, placing the bag of his brother next to the coffee table.

Castiel had not the strength to protest even though he was really not hungry. He did not really have appetite since he had separated from Dean. He had forced himself to eat a minimum to avoid losing consciousness while driving. But the food seemed bland and tasteless. He sighed deeply before letting himself down on the couch and taking his head in the hands.

"Far be it from me to want to make you believe that you aren't welcome, but I must admit I'm surprised you came. I thought you wanted to get around a bit and keep traveling with your friend." Said Gabriel, whom Castiel had not heard coming back.

He removed his hands from his face and looked at the plate that his brother had placed before him. It was certainly very good if he believed the smell emanating from it. But he was not hungry. He swallowed hard and looked towards his brother.

"We had to split up and I didn't want to… I did not see the interest to continue alone." He explained.

Which was, once more, neither a lie nor the whole truth. He had learned to stay between the two with Dean. He felt his heart wrench, thinking about the young man. What was he doing right now?

"You two had a slanging match?" Asked Gabriel.

Castiel had the feeling that his brother had guessed that the absence of Dean was the only reason why he had come here. He was seeking more details. He was obviously worried about him. Castiel was touched. But there was no way to tell him the truth. He knew exactly how Gabriel would react by learning the risks he had run deliberately.

"No, we just split up." He assured.

He grabbed a fork Gabriel had put on his plate and forced himself to take a bite of chicken. He swallowed immediately, not bothering to enjoy the taste. He wanted to escape this discussion. He wanted to lock himself in a room and sleep overnight. He wanted to forget Dean. He had had enough of all this.

"You don't look happy about it. Ya probably woulda preferred to continue with him."

"What are you implying Gabe?"

He knew his brother had guessed his feelings for Dean the first time he had spoken of him. He did not really know what had betrayed him at that time. But he had now realized that Gabriel was right from the start. He was indeed in love with the young man. It simply no longer had any importance now. Because Dean was away and they would never see each other again. He had to forget about him. Discussing his feelings would not help. Quite the reverse. It would only keep them going.

"Listen Cassie, I know ya. I know ya ain't fine despite what you say to reassure me. And I ain't dumb to the point of not being able to make the connection between your state and your separation with Dean. You know you can talk to me, right? I ain't gonna judge you and certainly not laugh at you. I love you, and I'm here for you."

Castiel dropped his fork without managing to swallow a second bite. He then sank into the couch and took his head back in his hands.

"I will never see him again Gabe. Never. There's no point in talking about him... or what I might feel for him. He's gone and it's over."

"But you're in love with him."

Castiel shrugged.

"Yes." He whispered.

He then groaned one second against his hands then pushed them aside from his face and turned his attention to his brother. Gabriel seemed genuinely concerned about what he was hearing. It was comforting to feel supported. Even if this did not dull the sharp pain he was still feeling.

"Yes, I'm in love with him. And this is the first time I feel something like this… this is the first time that I love someone like that… the first time my heart is broken. And that is not his fault you know. He warned me when we met. He wanted no ties... no commitment... and I was too stupid to listen. I should have protected myself. I should have left before."

"We all make mistakes like this someday Cassie. I've experienced the same disillusionment with Kali."

Castiel remembered that his brother had suffered from his separation with the young woman. They had been really in love with each other. But Kali had grown tired of him and had cheated on him without even trying to hide. When Gabriel had learned that, he had been heart-broken. Castiel had thought at the time that it was stupid to put himself in such a state for something that did not matter. He now knew exactly what his brother had been through. He blamed himself for having minimized his suffering.

"I'm sure you'll meet someone else quickly. You're handsome and smart. Chicago is a modern and extremely tolerant city. Ya don't need to hide here. Same-sex marriage is even allowed throughout the state since last summer."

Castiel chuckled one second in front of the desperate attempt of his brother to cheer him up. He was awkward but sincere. Castiel gave him a vague smile. He did not plan any wedding before several years but he rather liked the idea of being able to live normally in this city without fearing the judgment of people over his sexual preferences. He could be happy here. He could build up a life here. But before he would have to get Dean out of his mind. It was undoubtedly the most complicated in his plan.

"I'm gonna be fine Gabe… I am just a bit… sad that I had to separate myself from him. But I'll get over it. I know it."

"Oh but I trust you bro. I don't question your strength, even for a second."

Castiel nodded, then stretched his legs and threw a glance at his plate. He knew that eating a little more would reassure his brother about his condition. He had to make an effort for him. He straightened up and took back his fork. He forced himself to swallow some chicken and some potatoes before giving up again. His stomach was protesting against the treatment received and he felt nauseous again. He wiped his mouth with the back of the hand and sighed deeply.

"I should go to bed. I'm worn-out." He proclaimed, rubbing his hands on his thighs.

He was not mad at Gabriel for talking about Dean. He knew his brother only wanted to help. But it was still too painful to mention the young man. Their separation was too recent and the feelings of Castiel too strong. He was hoping things would work out soon. He did not want to spend weeks locked, brewing over the failure of a relationship that had anyway never had a chance to exist. He had lost nothing since he hadn't had anything. This was how he had to think if he wanted to quickly overcome this ordeal. Sure his heart was not of the same opinion. But Castiel had no intention of listening to it. He granted himself one last night to mourn the departure of the young man before taking things in hand. He had so many things to discover in this new city. He had read a lot of praise regarding its architecture. He was really eager to explore the places next day. He would certainly love what he would see.

"Okay, as you want Cassie. But do not think I'm gonna drop it yet. You can't turn up here in this state and refuse to talk about it for more than five minutes. I know you're still uncomfortable with… with all that but I'm not gonna throw in the sponge. Dean meant a lot to ya. Whether it's been in the space of a few weeks, a few hours or days. You can't ignore it and hope to get rid of these feelings in a simple finger snap."

"Are you gonna lecture me?" Asked Castiel.

Gabriel immediately shook his head. Castiel knew he was being unfair. But he was irritated now.

"Certainly not."

"Yet you told me not to go down that path if I remember correctly. And as you can see, I didn't follow your advice!"

Gabriel looked away and Castiel could not tell if he was upset, hurt or simply angry. He knew he had no right to reproach his brother. He was not responsible for what had happened to him. He could only blame himself. He shouldn't have fallen in love with Dean. He should have listened to the advices of the young man and his brother. He had been too stupid to protect himself from his own self. And now, he was paying the consequences.

"Cassie… I didn't tell you all this cause I wanted to try to control you or because I reckoned to know better than you what ya should do. I told you only because I've been in a similar situation in the past and I've suffered. A lot, and for a long time. I didn't want you to feel the same. I hate the idea of you being heartbroken. But I'm not judging you. I'm not blaming you. Love is not something you easily control. So please, do not blame yourself for what you're feeling."

"I'm just… I am so angry." Explained Castiel who could not find the right words to define what he felt exactly. "I'm angry because I should have known. I should have listened to you and Dean. But it is too late now. There's nothing more I can do. I just have to sit it out."

Gabriel nodded, then sighed deeply.

"Sometimes I think it would probably be easier for us to be a little more like our bros and parents." He admitted.

Castiel frowned, surprised by the words of his brother. He had always heard Gabriel boast about being different from them. He was really proud of this. Castiel had not understood what could please him as much in the days when he was still living with his parents. But now that he was gone, he knew what his brother felt. He never wanted to be like them. He refused to be cold and conniving. He definitely did not want to become intolerant like them. And he would never put his career before the rest. He wanted to have a life, not just a job.

"They have it easy ya know. No morals and no conscience. Sometimes I even wonder if they got a heart. So, yes, their life must be sad but… they don't suffer like we do. Nothing affects them. Probably makes life easier."

"Maybe, but if you're gone, it's because you knew that kind of life would have made you crazy. I much prefer to feel what I feel today than spend my life never to accept any emotion. I want to live… not just exist."

Gabriel nodded again and Castiel then realized how he was lucky to have someone to share what he experienced and felt. Dean, him, was entirely alone. He had no one on whom to rely when things were not alright. He had scrapped all those who mattered to him and lost the man he loved. He had to face everything on his own. That was not fair. But Castiel could no longer do anything to help him. He stifled a yawn behind his hand and stood up from the couch.

"I should go to bed. We can talk about this tomorrow." He said.

This time, Gabriel did not protest. He led Castiel to the room he had prepared for him and showed him the bathroom before saying goodnight. Castiel took a quick and hot shower, washed his teeth then changed himself for the night. He then slipped under the covers and took his mobile. He unlocked it and was surprised to find he had a message from Dean. He hesitated for a second to delete it without reading. He did not know if he was ready to look at it yet. The separation was too recent and too painful. However, he gave in at the last moment and finally opened the message. It was short and concise.

**"Hope you've reached Chicago safely. Thanks for everything."**

Castiel felt his throat tightening as he reread the message several times. He bit his lower lip by pressing the key to answer. He did not know what to say but he felt the need to notify his former companion that he was indeed at his brother's and that nothing had happened to him along the way. He sighed.

**"I arrived tonight. I am fine. What about you?"**

He then put his phone on the coffee table and slipped an arm under the pillow. He knew he would have the greatest difficulty in the world to sleep now that he had seen Dean's message. He was absolutely unable not to think about the young man. He really wanted to forget him. Not to remember the times together, the shared experiences and night confessions in their hotel room. He could still feel Dean's hand touching him and eliciting a powerful orgasm. Although he knew nothing was possible between them, he kept thinking about it constantly. He hoped that time would eventually sort things out. He was about to close his eyes when his phone vibrated on the nightstand. He immediately grabbed it and smiled despite himself, seeing that he had received a new text from Dean.

**"I'm in Memphis. Nothing to mention on my side. I'm sorry I had to leave so quickly. I miss you."**

Those were the three words Castiel had dreamed of hearing from the young man's mouth without really knowing until then. He knew his feelings were not shared by Dean. He would never be in love with him. Because he still loved Benny and it was not likely to change any time soon. But he liked the idea of having meant something for him. Of having mattered. Although this made things even more difficult to endure.

 **"I miss you too."** He answered.

He then pressed his phone against his forehead, turned on his back and closed his eyes. He knew it was not a good idea to keep talking with the young man. He wanted to move forward and he had to forget this whole story. He should have cleared Dean's number of his directory and move on. But he was in love. He supposed that this excused his stupidity for now. When his phone buzzed against his forehead, he was startled and immediately looked at the screen.

**"Cas, I don't know what to say. I just hope you will find what you seek in Chicago. Be happy. That's all I ask from you."**

It sounded like a new goodbye. Like a farewell. Castiel did not know what to respond. He could not wish for Dean to be happy too. He knew this would not be possible as long as he would be wanted. He thought for a long moment and finally dialed the number of young man. It was stupid. It was exactly what he should not do. But he could not remain without responding. And he doubted he could do so by text. He needed to talk to Dean. To tell him certain things in person before saying a definitive goodbye to him.

"Cas, you shouldn't call." Said the young man when he picked up.

Castiel nodded. It was obvious. But he had not been able to refrain from doing so. Not when he could guess the distress of the young man through his latest message. It was more than he could bear.

"I needed to hear your voice… to talk to you one last time."

"To say what?"

This was the question Castiel dreaded. For he had no idea what he exactly meant to tell Dean. He could not confess the feelings he had for him. Even though he knew the young man suspected that. He was not ready to put precise words on what he felt. He swallowed hard, then sat up in bed and leaned against the wall behind him.

"All I should have told you before we part. All the things I have kept for me and are making me completely crazy."

"Cas, don't make things harder than they are already."

Castiel wanted to reply that it was too late for this. That he was already suffering like crazy and he doubted he could complicate the situation by being honest. But he said nothing. He had Gabriel to support him. Dean was alone. He would certainly not make things difficult for him when he had nobody to rely on. Castiel was not a selfish person.

"What do you plan to do now? After Memphis, I mean."

He knew Dean would appreciate the change of subject.

"I was thinking about getting to Detroit in a few days and maybe trying my luck in Canada after that. I heard Montreal is particularly enjoyable at this time of year."

Castiel had always dreamed of traveling to Canada. He knew the country was more tolerant than the US about homosexuality. He could probably have a good life there. But he knew it was not an option. Because Dean was not inviting him to join him. He sighed deeply. In a few days, the young man would be less than five hundred kilometers from him. He would still be in the same country and they would be separated only by a day's drive. Then he would disappear on the other side of the border and they would never see each other again. Montreal. Castiel wondered if Dean was planning to settle there permanently.

"Canada then? I thought you didn't want to cross the border." He reminded.

"The controls are very strict between the US and Mexico. They're less systematic between the US and Canada. I got a chance to pass without attracting attention, and then... then I'll see what this country can offer me. I'm tired of being here... tired of seeing the same things again and again. I feel like getting a change of air. Tryin' my luck elsewhere."

Castiel knew that Dean was not telling him everything. It was not only a change of scenery he was looking for by leaving the country. It was safety. A chance not to be followed by those who wanted to break him. He was hoping to go abroad and finally be able to settle down somewhere. It was ironic for someone who had claimed not wanting any ties.

"I hope you will find what you seek there." Said Castiel, in the words Dean had used in his texts.

He really wanted to believe that the plan of the young man was the right one. That he had a chance to end his escape by leaving the country. Canada might was the solution to all his problems. Even though it was much too far from Castiel to his liking.

"At least it's better than here, huh?" Dean claimed, obviously determined.

Castiel nodded before realizing that the young man could not see him. He then cleared his throat and ran a hand over his face.

"Do you plan to stay a few days in Detroit or do you want to try to cross the border immediately?"

He knew exactly why he was asking this question. Since he had realized that Dean would be only a few hours away from him, he could not help thinking that it was possible to see him one last time. That would bring nothing good to him. But once again, he could not help it.

"I'm gonna have to deal with a few things before leaving. I was hoping to find a used car to buy. I can't keep relying on the generosity of people. I'll need a vehicle once in Canada. Winter is rough there and I can't stay forever outside waiting for someone who would take me somewhere. Might take me a few days."

So Castiel did have an opportunity to see him again. And hope growing inside him was making him crazy. For it was stupid and useless. It was cruel. Dean did not need him to cross the border and Castiel absolutely had to start thinking about his future. But he needed to see the young man one last time. Just to say goodbye properly. They had parted in a hurry and they had not had the opportunity to say what they had to say. Castiel needed a conclusion to their story. Something that would allow him to move forward without constantly looking back.

"I could come to see you." He then suggested. "Just to say goodbye. Chicago isn't far from Detroit."

He did not expect an immediate response from Dean, and when he got only silence, he was not surprised. He just patiently waited for the young man to reflect on his offer. He would probably refuse and Castiel would have to set out arguments for a positive response. He was ready to beg if he had to. It went to show how desperate and pathetic he was.

"That's not a good idea… it's too dangerous for you and for me. I don't want to take unnecessary risks."

That was not a refusal. More importantly, Dean had at no time suggested that he did not want to see him. Which was definitely good news. Castiel took a few seconds to find the right thing to say. He would not have a second chance to convince his former companion. He had to seize this opportunity.

"I would take a different motel yours and I'd book myself under a false name. I just want… I just want to see you one last time before you leave for Canada. I know that once you're there, we'll never see each other ever again. And I do not intend to prevent you from doing what you want to do. I just… I just need to say goodbye once and for all. Then I would come back here and resume the course of my life. You can't say no."

"Cas, that ain't a good idea."

Castiel could sense that the young man was about to give in. He obviously also wanted to see him again. But he was refusing to let the crazy hope that his feelings might be shared make their future separation more difficult. He had to keep control of his emotions. He licked his lips before speaking again.

"I wouldn't take any risk. I would take no highway and I would send you a message when I'd arrive. I would meet you somewhere you deem safe. I would not make waves and I would be as discreet as possible. Please Dean… I don't want our story to end like this. Not after a split in the parking lot of a motel. Not on the phone either. I am ready to forget you, but not before having seen you one last time."

He knew that what he was saying betrayed the nature of his feelings for the young man. But he did not know what else to do. He had to convince Dean to let him come.

"Okay Cas… okay, I rather like the idea of seeing you one last time."

Castiel had to restrain himself from screaming with joy upon hearing his former companion. He did not want to apprise Gabriel. He simply clenched his fist and smiled. He knew seeing Dean again would be hard. But it was also a good opportunity to finally tell him what was weighing on his heart. He felt it was necessary for him to confess his feelings to the young man before letting him go. Even though it would not change anything. It was just a way to put an end to their history. He wanted to bring it to a close properly. He knew he would be unable to grieve it in these circumstances.

"Awesome… You… When do you think you'll be there?" He asked.

He needed to plan everything to absolutely not get overwhelmed by the joy he was feeling at the idea of seeing Dean again. He had always been a logical and sagacious person. Dwelling on technical details allowed him to keep a cool head and stay focused.

"I was thinking of takin' the train. There's one leaving in two days. Got ten hours of travel and a night to spend on board. I think I can be in Detroit in three days… probably in the late afternoon. I'll send you a message when I'm on site."

"Perfect, I will leave Thursday morning and if all goes well, I should be out there in the afternoon. I will have time to find a motel for a few nights."

Castiel had two days to plan his trip and brief Gabriel. He already knew that his brother would not be thrilled with his plan. But he was an adult and perfectly capable of making his own decisions. Even if they were stupid. He was ready to face the consequences.

"See you there, then." Castiel uttered, smiling.

"See you there." Dean confirmed. "Night Cas."

"Good night."

Castiel then hung up the phone and put it on his nightstand. He was not yet fully realizing that he was only three days from seeing Dean again. He was amazed to be this happy at the idea be able to spend time with the young man again. They had been separated only for a few days but his absence was extremely painful. Castiel had never thought he could develop such intense feelings for a man he barely knew. He did not know all the details of what his former companion had been through. Yet, he had the feeling of being connected to him somehow. It was odd. He had never really believed in true love. He was reasonable and rational. He knew no one who had experienced the same thing. His parents had married because this was what was more reasonable to do. His brothers had seen only women who met the standards imposed by their parents. Anna had never had any serious relationship. Castiel had no idea of what was normal or not in these situations. He assumed one could not live a separation easily when they were in love. But what he felt seemed disproportionate and too intense. Maybe it was due to the fact that Dean could be killed at any moment? Castiel did not really know what to think about it. He wished he had a vague idea of what to do. But he was feeling his way along and it was a first for him. He then thought of what his parents would say of him upon hearing about his experiences and what he was about to do. They would probably be shocked to learn that he had fallen in love with a man. But even if they had been a little less intolerant, they certainly would not have approved the choice of their son. Dean met none of their standards. He was not rich. He had no degree. He was sometimes vulgar and completely carefree. His sexual preferences would have also certainly shocked them. This should have undoubtedly make Castiel panic. But it did not. Quite the opposite. He was amused to know that he was about to join a man his parents would have despised without even taking the time to know him. They would have condemned his choice of life, his way of speaking or behaving. But they would have been entirely unable to see in him that Castiel saw. Dean was a brave and strong man. He was bright and funny. He was also fragile but he did everything possible for no one to notice. He had chosen to sacrifice his life so his brother and his 'uncle' could be safe. He put the interests of others before his own. Of course, he had made mistakes. He had been in jail. He had joined _Al_ 's organization voluntarily. But that did not make him a bad person. Quite the contrary. Castiel was fascinated by him. Fascinated by what he had learned about his past and because he still had things to learn. He did not know if he would have this opportunity during his trip to Detroit. But he liked the idea that Dean would agree to confide a little more to him over there. After all, they would never see each other again after this. They would never talk ever again. Dean would live his life somewhere in a foreign country and Castiel would build his own in Chicago. They would perhaps end up forgetting each other. The young man would not take any risks by finally telling the truth to Castiel. For he had no intention to act accordingly. He had no intention to interfere in this story. He did not want to die.

Castiel took back his phone on the bedside table and connected it to the Internet. He did some research on Detroit then some on Montreal. He smiled while reading a few testimonials from people who had visited the city. He then opened a new message and addressed it to Dean.

**"Fun fact: temperature can drop to minus twenty two degrees Fahrenheit during winter in Montreal"**

He then sent his text and waited patiently for the answer. His phone buzzed only minutes later.

**"Funnier fact: there were thirteen thousand intentional homicides in the US last year against five hundred and fifty in Canada."**

Castiel smiled even more and followed up with a new text.

**"The cold probably has something to do with it."**

Again, the answer was not long in coming.

**"Sleep Castiel. We'll talk in three days. But believe me, no need to weigh up the pros and cons for ages to know that Canada outclasses the US in all areas!"**

Castiel had no doubt about it. He watched the message for long seconds before locking the phone and putting it on his nightstand. He loved the way that Dean had had to respond without missing a beat to his messages. He hoped that meant they were actually friends. He wanted more but was willing to settle for what he had. In three days, he would see the young man again. He could then get answers to all his questions. Perhaps could they agree to meet again someday. Castiel was not against the idea of going for a look around Canada. He would wait for Dean to be settled down before doing so, of course. But he wanted to believe that anything was possible. If the young man was finally in a place where he felt good and planned to stay a long time, he could visit him. They would remain friends even if they would only see each other rarely. Castiel knew it would not help him getting rid of the feelings he had for the young man. But he would think about it when time could come. For now, he wanted to enjoy the joy he was feeling at the idea of seeing Dean. He knew his way to forget the risks he ran whenever he spent time with the young man was wrong. But he could not help it. Of course, the incident with Edgar was indelibly printed on his memory. He knew that if he had not been in love with Dean, he probably would have entirely freaked out after what had happened. But his feelings obliterated everything else for now. It was stupid and foolish. Castiel knew that. He would with no doubt end up regretting it at one time or another. Yet he could not help but be pleased with the idea of seeing his former companion. He smiled again and finally closed his eyes. When he fell asleep, he still had a big smile on the lips. He was almost sure his cheeks would ache the day after.


	15. The truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Here is Chapter 15 and this time we really learn more about Dean. A new character is introduced and Castiel faces an important decision.
> 
> Thank you for reading me and writing to me
> 
> Good reading
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> The Lost Boy by Greg Holden
> 
> Warnings: Flashbacks of past trauma, bad head-space, mention of prison, mention of rape/sexual abuse threats, mention of physical and psychological abuse, mention of suffered tortures, graphic depiction of tortures, mention and reference of emotional manipulation

" _ The truth is rarely pure and never simple _ "

Oscar Wilde

 

Castiel had taken the road Thursday morning as he had told Dean he would do. He had told Gabriel his intention to join the young man in a few days the day before, while they were dining in front of an old movie in black and white. Castiel had listened to his brother say that it was a mistake, then advise him against doing it before finally accepting his decision and assuring him that he would support him. He had not slept a wink all night after that, excited by the prospect of seeing Dean again the day afters.

He had crossed the few five hundred kilometers separating Chicago from Detroit with overwhelming enthusiasm. He had stopped only once along the way to stretch his legs and grab a bite. Five hours after his departure, he finally could see the first buildings taking shape on the horizon. He passed the sign indicating his entrance in town and smiled. He had selected a motel just outside the city center and had called to reserve a room. He had given a false name by security and was now crossing his fingers that no one asks for an ID card. He knew that such establishments were not necessarily a stickler for formalities and this was the reason that had prompted him to choose it. He took several minutes to find the place and then some more to park in the crowded parking lot. He then walked to the reception. The person behind the counter seemed both annoyed by his presence and totally exhausted. He did not bother with any formality and just took the cash Castiel was handing to him before giving him his room key.

It was barely two o'clock in the afternoon when the young man finally put his bag on his bed. He took a quick shower to get rid of some of the accumulated fatigue and also the knots that formed his muscles in his back and shoulders. He then put on jeans and a T-shirt and then returned to the bedroom. He grabbed his phone on the bed and was relieved to see that he had a text from Dean.

They had not talked since Castiel had called him three days earlier. They had not exchanged messages either. Dean had not informed him of his departure or the evolution of his trip. And Castiel could not help but be afraid that his former companion lets him down. He wanted to trust him but he was not completely sure if he could. He therefore had to cross his fingers and hope that he would not be disappointed.

So this was a huge relief when he saw that the young man had written. He opened the message quickly.

**"Train delayed. Won't be there before night. I'll meet you at your motel."**

Castiel then watched the room and cringed one second. He could not host the young man without an extra bed. He thought a moment and then decided to go to the receptionist. Before leaving, he replied to the message of the young man.

**"Don't take a room. I'll send you mine's number and the address of the motel in a while. I have two beds."**

Castiel returned to the reception with butterflies in his stomach. He knew that sleeping in the same room as Dean would be another torture for him. But it would allow them to talk quietly. And also to enjoy their last moments together. This was a good thing. Castiel was happy. But he was also a little anxious.

The receptionist offered to provide a camp bed for a few nights for a fee. Castiel paid what he asked and then returned to his room. He had a few hours to kill before the arrival of the young man and no idea of what he wanted to do. He turned on the TV but was unable to stop on a channel. He eventually lost interest entirely of what was happening on the screen and placed, instead, the cot he had brought from the reception. He set the sheets and threw a pillow over it. He then used his phone to find restaurants making home deliveries. When he had selected several, he noted the names and phone numbers on the notepad provided by the motel. He then sat at the table next to the window and opened a text to Dean.

**"Sun Inn Motel. 286 Cameron Street. Room 25. Chinese or pizza?"**

He smiled, rereading his message, then sent it. He turned his face to the TV, hoping to get distracted, but he had no idea what was the movie on the screen about and he had no desire to take an interest in it. He jumped when his phone buzzed, telling him that Dean had just replied.

**"I think I'm gonna be there around 11 p.m. I'll eat on the train. Don't wait for me."**

Castiel could not help being disappointed at the idea of eating without the young man. He longed to spend the evening with him. But he knew that Dean would be tired upon arriving, and he knew that he would, himself, struggle to resist sleeping after the day he had spent. They would have time to talk once rested. Castiel did not intend to leave before Dean was on his way to Canada and he well intended to make sure to keep him here as long as possible. Castiel took a deep breath and then sent a message to the young man.

**"Ask a room key to the receptionist. He knows."**

The clock on the wall showed four in the afternoon. Castiel finally rose from his chair, grabbed his jacket and left the room. He let the receptionist know that a friend would come and take a key. He ignored the suspicious looks that the man shot him and thanked him before leaving. He took his car and went for a look around town. He strolled for a long time on the streets, watching the store fronts casually. He drank a coffee on a small square where there were very few other people, then stayed an hour watching people coming and going before him. He then went back to his car by making a detour to admire the architecture of the neighborhood. It was almost eight p.m. when he finally returned to the hotel. He ordered a pizza and ate it watching TV. He then took another shower, brushed his teeth and slipped under the covers. He changed the channel until he found a sitcom he loved and watched it, lying in bed. He quickly fell asleep overcome him. He fought against it with all his might. He really wanted to see Dean. But the young man had still not sent a message to say his train had arrived. He had no idea what time he would finally be at the motel. Castiel checked an umpteenth time his phone before resettling himself on the pillows and closing his eyes.

He did not know exactly when he fell asleep. Nor did he know what woke him. When he opened his eyes, the room was completely plunged into darkness. The television was turned off while it was on when he had closed his eyes. It took him a few seconds to understand what had happened before finally turning his head toward the cot. Dean was lying under the covers, his back to Castiel. And he was struggling. He seemed to be having a nightmare. And obviously, what he saw was enough to make him cry and scream. Castiel observed him for long seconds before finally getting up from bed. He sat behind Dean and put a hand on his shoulder. He was not sure how to wake him without making him panic. But he could not possibly leave him like this. He thought for a second before deciding to act. He gently shook Dean and the young man immediately let out a scream. Castiel then grabbed his second shoulder to keep him from struggling. He had to avoid the fist Dean almost immediately threw in his direction. He shook him a little more strongly and eventually turned the young man on his back and leaned on him with his full weight to keep him from moving. Dean had cheeks covered in tears. He seemed completely panicked. Castiel felt his heart sink and had a lump in his throat. He absolutely had to wake his companion. He called his name several times before shaking his shoulders a bit more strongly. After several seconds, the young man completely stopped struggling and slowly opened his eyes. He looked terrified and Castiel knew he did not recognize him immediately. He gave him a smile that he hoped reassuring.

"Dean, it's me… everything's fine… it's me, Castiel." He whispered.

Dean let out a sob before nodding. Castiel then released his shoulders and stepped back to allow him to move. He was surprised when the young man immediately threw himself into his arms and held on to him.

"Cas… Cas… don't leave me." He murmured against his neck.

Castiel did not intend to go anywhere. But he did not really know what the young man was implying. Was he speaking only of that night or had he other projects? Castiel was lost. But he knew it was not the right time to ask. He just nodded and buried his face in the neck of the young man. Dean was holding his t-shirt tight between his fists. He was breathing heavily and was still sobbing. Castiel could feel tears running down his neck and under the collar of his tee. He closed his eyes and waited patiently for his companion to finally calm down. When Dean stopped crying, he gently moved back to look Castiel in the eyes.

"Sorry." He let out.

He seemed somewhat ashamed of having melted down like this in front of him. But Castiel did not intend to mock him. He knew that the past the young man was extremely painful. He knew the suffering he had endured. And he could understand that he was plagued with nightmares.

"Don't be. Everything is okay." He replied quietly.

Dean nodded weakly. Castiel then put both hands on his cheeks and wiped his tears with his fingertips. The young man closed his eyes and let out a long sigh. His breathing was still significantly jerky but he seemed much calmer. Castiel granted him a few more minutes before asking the question he was dying to ask.

"You were dreaming about him, right?"

He did not need to give a name or even to specify who he was talking about. He knew Dean had understood his question. His face tensed immediately and he stepped back to escape the hands of Castiel. He rose from the bed and removed his shirt covered in sweat. Castiel watched him do. He could not help but let his eyes linger on each of the scars that streaked across his chest and his back. On the tattoos that did not conceal them. On the fine but existing musculature of the young man. When Dean had put on a clean tee, he ran a hand over his face and sat on one of the chairs near the window. Castiel stayed on the bed. He had the feeling that his companion needed a little distance between them to answer.

"The first time I met him, he assured me he could protect me. I had received fairly clear threats from other prisoners. I knew what they had in mind for me and I refused to become their sex slave. I was desperate to get through. I agreed to do what he asked against the certainty that no one would touch me… no one but him."

Castiel nodded but remained silent. He knew how difficult it was for his friend to confide in this way. He absolutely did not want to interrupt him.

"At first he asked me to fulfill some tasks for him. I brought things to some of his contacts and I made sure that the guards did not find what he was hiding in our cell. I knew he was selling drugs and I knew he had blood on his hands. But this was… over there, it was different. I had to do something and I didn't have a choice."

Dean seemed to have made peace with the acts he had committed in prison. Castiel could understand. He did not know how he would have reacted in his place. He doubted he would have adopted a different behavior.

"It's when he asked me to kill someone for him that I started to want to put distance between us. It's also the first time he hit me. It was just a few punches but I read on his face the pleasure he took in doing it. And I understood… I understood that I belonged to him. I have never been his equal. I've never been his associate or partner as I had thought at first. I was his thing… his slave. Then things got worse. Every night when the lights went out, he started to hurt me again. Gradually, he began to behave even more violently. One night, he carved my stomach with a knife and forced me to lick the blood… my blood. It was hell. But I continued to refuse to kill anyone. He asked me every night after having tortured me to give in to my impulses and to indulge in. He assured me that if I finally accepted to kill someone, he would cease to hurt me. I held out for three months before giving in."

Castiel heard in the voice of young man that he was crying again. He was not sobbing like a few minutes earlier. But his voice was cracking. It was more high-pitched than usually. Castiel was in pain for him.

"During the months that followed, I did everything he asked me. I didn't kill anybody. It was the only limit I had imposed. But I helped him to hurt some of his enemies. I was an accessory to many horrors that I'm still ashamed of today. He never laid a hand on me again till I got out."

Castiel wanted to stand up and take the young man into his arms. He would have liked to comfort him and make him understand that he should not blame himself. It was perfectly normal for him to have given in. No one could endure so much suffering without eventually give in. Castiel did not think he was guilty of anything.

"Cas, there are things I didn't tell you the other day." Dean finally confessed after long seconds of silence.

Castiel knew this. He motioned for his companion to talk. Dean took a deep breath and turned his face to the window to watch the parking lot.

"The man who did this to me… Al… His full name is Alastair Black. He was in jail for a few months while awaiting trial for corruption and embezzlement. But the prosecutor could never find sufficient evidence and he was released only weeks after me. He owns some large companies that employ hundreds of people. He gives money to charities and nonprofit organizations. Many suspicions weight on him but the police can't prove anything. Alastair runs at the same time one of the largest criminal organizations in the country. When I got out of prison, I was totally fascinated by him. And I thought he could help me find my place. I returned to him because I didn't know what else to do. The first few days, he gave me small unimportant tasks. But, one night, he started to... hurt me again. And I let him. It was something that I had learned to handle. Something I knew. I knew how to behave with him."

Castiel could feel the anger rising in him as he heard all the harm this monster had done the young man. He was certainly skilled, as he had convinced Dean to return to him voluntarily. He had managed to destroy him psychologically. As he had made him feel guilty and think that he could do nothing but follow his orders. Probably his friend hoped to forget some his guilt about what he had done in prison by letting him torture him like this. It made him want to throw up.

"Alastair gave me more and more responsibilities. I had to work with some of his henchmen. Some hated me. But most did not dare try anything because they were terrified by Alastair and because I belonged to him. Three months after my arrival, he asked me to abduct a mother and her son to get the place where their husband and father was hiding. I couldn't say no. The day before, he had made it clear that I had no choice by flogging me for hours. I could hardly bear the fabric of my shirt on my back. I was exhausted and desperate to reduce the suffering. But when I saw this woman and her son, terrified… when I heard them beg, I couldn't do it. I left without them and went to the police. When I explained who I was, they took me to a FBI agent who was investigating Alastair and his group."

Castiel had never heard this part of the story. He wanted to get informations and ask questions. But he simply listened. Dean seemed to be on a roll and he absolutely did not want to interrupt him. He needed to hear all those things. For he knew the young man had something in mind.

"Victor Henriksen is a good person… honest and resolute. He'd been working on this case for years without success. When I told him I was ready to help, he offered me a deal. He wanted me to continue to work for Alastair to get names, addresses and irrefutable evidences to arrest him. He promised that afterwards, he would get me out of this mess and that he would give me some cover. He swore to protect Sam and Bobby and to offer them a new identity as well. I was supposed to be part of the witness protection program. But first, I had to stay with Alastair for a while. I agreed. I didn't have a choice. I was guilty of complicity in too many crimes for me to escape. It was my way out… my one and only chance to get out."

Castiel was beginning to understand what his companion was explaining to him. He had worked undercover. He had been infiltrated within the organization to assist the police and the FBI to arrest the man who had done him much harm. Dean was a hero. He was courageous and brave and Castiel was incredibly admiring.

"At the beginning, I was dead scared. But I did what I was asked. I had become a double agent. I regularly gave heads up to Henriksen. He always asked more. Things got really impossible when I fell in love with Benny. I told him everything almost immediately and he asked me to stop. He warned me that I might get killed. He offered me another option. That of living with him away from it all. Mais But there were Sam and Bobby and… I was completely lost. Benny swore we'd run away. I talked to Henriksen and he threatened to arrest me. That night, Benny got killed. Shortly after, I was taking flight as I had sworn to Benny that we would quickly do. I'm on the run ever since. I never gave Henriksen enough information to arrest Alastair and I know they can't lock him up without this. He is still free and I'm still threatened. And I don't know what to do. Cause I'm tired Cas… I'm tired of running. I want it to stop."

Castiel finally rose from the bed and joined Dean in a few strides. He knelt before him and put his hands on his knees reassuringly. He knew the young man was tired of the life he was living. His decision to go to Canada probably stemmed from this. He wanted to find a place where no one would look for him. Il He wanted to settle down. He wanted a normal life. But Castiel doubted he could have one as long as he would not put an end to all the things he had dropped when fleeing.

"Why not go back to see Henriksen? Maybe you could convince him to get you back in the witness protection program by providing the information you have about Alastair?"

Dean shook his head.

"I'm wanted by the cops Cas. They consider me guilty of atrocious crimes and my face... they have it posted up everywhere in every police stations of the country. I don't think they'll offer me anything more than a new prison stay. Henriksen clearly stated this shortly before my departure. And… if I am arrested and locked up, I'd be killed even before I could attend the trial. Alastair is powerful and has contacts in every prisons of the country. I can't…"

Castiel doubted Henriksen could refuse to negotiate with Dean knowing he was the only one to provide enough information to put Alastair in jail. He knew it was not the only reason that pushed the young man to refuse to return to him. There was more. Dean considered Henriksen as partly responsible for the death of Benny.

"If Alastair finds me, I'll pay my departure and absence. His imagination has no limits when it comes to harm me. I know he'll find a way to take revenge without killing me... and believe me, it'll be much worse than dying."

Castiel took a few seconds to think about the scars of the young man. They showed what Alastair had done to him and the violence of the beatings. He did not doubt the effectiveness of this man in terms of physical and psychological torture.

"This nightmare… were you seeing him?" He asked.

Dean rubbed his eyes before passing his tongue over his lips. Castiel then saw the little silver ball that rested in the middle of the young man's tongue. He had not thought of this piercing ever since Dean had told him about it. He wondered if sensations were different with it. He shook his head to erase these images of his mind and focused on the tortured look of his companion.

"It's never the same nightmare but it's always him that I see. Tonight, that was… I relived one of the worst tortures he's inflicted to me. It was a night when one of his... appointments... had gone bad. He was particularly upset and he accused me of having distracted him. Of having caused his failure. I wasn't even there. I had stayed all evening locked in my room. But he didn't care. He had to take it out on someone and I was there. He…"

Dean paused for a second and Castiel saw tears spill from his eyes. He wanted to take the boy into his arms and hold him tight against himself comfortingly. But he needed to hear what he had to say. Needed to know what he had suffered to have a clear picture of his past.

"He… he took a knife and he… he asked me to remove my shirt. He then tied me to the bed, facing down and… he carved something on my back… a kind of symbol that was supposed to remind me that I belonged to him. That was… the pain was excruciating and I eventually passed out. I don't know if it was the fact that I had suffered too much or that I had lost too much blood. Whatever. When I woke up, I was still tied to the bed. Meg… one of the few women who worked for Alastair… Meg was awkwardly stitching me. I stayed for three days on this bed... without being able to eat or drink... without being able to go to the bathroom. When he released me, he ordered me to take a shower. He told me I was disgusting. And I believed him… Cas… I believed him."

Castiel could only imagine what Dean had gone through during those three days. The pain of injuries... the humiliation of not being able to go to the bathroom... the deprivation of food and water. He could guess how the situation had being horrible. He opened his mouth to say something, anything reassuring, but Dean stopped him, making a sign to keep quiet. He then got up and gently removed his tee. Castiel stood up in his turn and looked at his companion turning to show him his back. He let his eyes wander over all the scars that streaked him and ended up falling on the one that resulted from this particular evening. Just above the pants of the young man, in his lower back, slightly way out of his spine was a pentagram-shaped scar. It was big, a good ten centimeters long and wide. The scars were thin and clear. Clearly visible despite the time that had elapsed. Castiel had never seen anything like this. He had to keep himself from crying in turn, imagining Alastair carving this symbol in the skin of the young man. He approached his hand and gently brushed the outline. Dean shuddered immediately but did not try to evade the contact. Castiel then slid his fingers over the tattoo his companion had along his spine. He wondered what it meant. He did not even realize he had asked the question aloud before Dean answers with a serious voice.

"It's Tibetan. The first three letters stand for "freedom", the following three "courage". I got them tattooed a few days after fleeing."

Castiel nodded, then pushed back his hand. Dean then turned to face him. Castiel could not help looking once again the burns that covered his chest, some of which were hidden by the huge tattoo Dean had. The young man put his finger on them.

"This one dates from the night when Benny died. Alastair used a white hot firebrand to burn me on the chest. I wanted to hide a part with this pattern... but they'll always be visible I guess."

Castiel had heard enough. He could not listen to the young man describe him each of the scars that were on his chest. It was too much. Too painful. He grabbed his arms and put them away of his chest.

"Dean, you can't keep going like that." He then declared.

He knew the young man had a plan and intended to stick to it. He also knew that he certainly did not want to put his brother and Bobby in danger. But he could not run away forever or go abroad hoping to disappear. He was entitled to have a normal life. He could not indefinitely pay for the mistakes he had committed in the past. No one deserved to suffer as he continued to. He had to do something.

"You'll end up getting yourself killed or being spotted... and you won't survive if you have to return to him. You said it yourself. I cannot accept to see you take flight with no chance to one day have a normal life. Not now that I know everything you've faced in the past."

"And what do you suggest?"

Castiel did not know how to answer that question. He had no idea of what the young man should do. He had not enough experience in this area to advise him on that point. But he remained confident that by continuing to live this way, Dean would eventually lose his head. He refused to live with this certainty.

"I think you should go back to Henriksen." He eventually suggested.

He knew exactly the reaction Dean would have at the name of the agent who, he believed, had broken his promise. But he did not give him time to say anything and went on immediately.

"He has made mistakes... and I think he should have gotten you out of this hell sooner. But… he is your only chance to live a different life. Your only chance to get Alastair arrested. You have to tell him everything."

"Sam will get killed... if I do what he asks me... even if he agrees to protect me, I know he'll refuse to do anything for my brother and for Bobby."

Castiel put his hands on Dean's cheeks to prevent him from looking away and avoiding his eyes.

"You don't know that. It doesn't cost anything to try."

"He's gonna arrest me." Dean protested.

Castiel sighed at length. He was short of arguments. He was feeling out of place. He had never experienced anything like it and had never known someone who had to face such ordeals.

"I really think he needs you... need you too much to risk losing your testimony. You're in a favorable position. He isn't. You'll have to convince him to listen and convince him to protect your brother and Bobby along with you before you give any information. I'm sure he will accept. If he wants Alastair, he will accept."

Dean then grabbed his forearms and clenched them substantially in his hands. Castiel forced himself not to look down but the look of the young man made him uncomfortable. There was so much hope in his green eyes, also so much suffering. Castiel was deeply moved.

"If however this were to work, you know I would disappear. I'd change my identity and I would no longer have contacts with anyone. I would no longer exist. Dean Winchester will be just a memory."

"And we'll never see each other again, I know that."

Castiel had considered this aspect of his solution. But this was not about him or his morbid desire to spend as much time as possible with the young man. He could not be selfish on this. He had no right to ask Dean to sacrifice his future for his own pleasure. If vanishing with the help of the FBI was the only solution to his problem, then Castiel crossed his fingers that it works. No matter that he suffers from this. What mattered was elsewhere.

"Cas… I'm scared." Dean then whispered.

He released his forearms and put his hands on the small round scars he had at the clavicles.

"I've been terrified for two and a half years. I don't even know anymore what it feels to be... to be reassured and confident. I've made a habit of constantly dreading what might happen to me. I do not know if I could ever forget this fear and lead a normal life."

"You'll learn, like everybody."

Dean smiled weakly then came press his forehead against Castiel's. It was a gesture demonstrating the trust the young man had in him and the intimacy he was ready to share with him. It was nothing sexual. It was not a prelude to anything like this.

"I wish you could come with me... I wish you could... be by my side all the way. But I know I can't ask you this. I don't want you to take any risk for me. You should go back to Chicago. You should return to your brother and forget me."

Castiel was again unable to give an answer to what the young man was telling him. He was eager to help. He wanted to accompany him as much as possible and ensure that everything would be okay for him. But he knew he would put his life in danger by doing so. And perhaps even that of Gabriel and the rest of his family. He refused to let them run this risk. This meant of course he should follow the advice of Dean. He swallowed hard and significantly moved back his face. Dean then grabbed him, putting a hand in his neck and one on his shoulder. For a second, Castiel thought he would again press his forehead against his face. He was surprised when he felt the young man's lips pressed against his own. Before he had time to kiss him back, Dean was ending their kiss. Castiel could not help moving his tongue over his lips to memorize the taste of those of his companion.

"Leave tonight Castiel… please leave tonight." murmured the latter, closing his eyes.

It was out of question. Castiel refused to leave the young man in this state. He did not know yet if he would help him contact Henriksen or if he would return to Chicago the next morning. But he knew he would not leave tonight. Not while his companion seemed about to melt down.

"No Dean… I can't." He refused.

"If you stay here, it will be even harder for you to go... and I don't know if I'd be able to kick you out... so believe me, leave while you still can. Leave before getting into trouble because of me."

Castiel shook his head once again. He would not give in on that. He needed to think about what he would do next. But he was convinced he did not want to go yet. He was safe in this motel. No one would come looking for them. And Dean needed his help.

"Do not insist, it is useless. I will not leave tonight. I'll stay here with you and make sure you do not have other nightmares."

"And tomorrow?" Dean asked then.

Castiel shrugged.

"Tomorrow is another day. I'm not promising anything. I'm not saying that I'll be there for a long time or even that I'll help you to do anything. I have a family and I do not want to endanger them. I need to think about all that... need to review the situation. I'll decide tomorrow what I'll do next. But right now, I'm here and you won't force me to go away."

Dean seemed relieved by what he heard. He nodded several times before laying a new quick kiss right on the corner of the mouth of the young man. Castiel wondered what the gesture meant, but chose not to ask questions. He certainly did not want to antagonize the young man or put him uncomfortable. He was overwhelmed by what he had just confessed and was clearly exhausted. He had probably acted without thinking.

"Would you accept to share a bed?" Dean then whispered, looking away. "This is something I used to do with Sam every time he had a nightmare about our mom."

Castiel could not refuse anything to the young man in this state. He immediately nodded to show him that he agreed. Dean then took his hand and dragged him to the bed. He still had not put his tee back and did not seem decided to do so. Castiel watched him lie on the bed and waited a moment before slipping behind him. He made sure not to touch him. He did not know exactly what Dean wanted from him.

"You're too far." The young man voiced after a few seconds.

Castiel knew that sleeping pressed against his companion was certainly a very bad idea. He might be extremely uncomfortable when waking. But for now, he would not think about it. Dean needed him and he wanted to be there for him. Even if it meant he would have to rush in the bathroom to relieve some of the pressure before the young man wakes up.

"C'mere." Dean added.

He turned slightly to catch his arm and draw him to himself. He then kept his hand trapped in his, resting on his stomach. Castiel had been forced to considerably move forwards and his torso was now stuck to the back of his companion. It was comfortable and intimate. It was magical. Castiel then closed his eyes and inhaled the scent of his companion. He knew he would probably never have the opportunity to share such a moment with him again. He wanted to make the most of it.

"G'night Cas." Dean finally whispered.

"Good night."

Castiel then reopened his eyes and watched the figure of his companion for long seconds. He did not know what he would do when the sun finally would rise. He did not know what decision he would take on this story. He wanted to help the young man. He really want to be there when everything would finally get better. But it involved risks that he could not ignore. And he knew he would have be heart-broken when Dean should leave and vanish. He knew it would be worse if he stayed longer with him. Because his feelings for the young man gained in intensity in the course of the seconds he spent in his company. He could not do anything to help himself. No matter what he was learning about him and his past. He was utterly and completely in love with him. And he had the feeling that Dean also cared for him. He probably did not share his feelings, but he felt something. His behavior with him was proof. Castiel was terrified of losing him. Terrified of how he would manage his departure. He knew it was the best solution for Dean. Probably the only one. But it was no less difficult for Castiel. For he would have to give up his companion overnight while having the certainty that he would never see him again. And he doubted that knowing he was alive was enough to soothe his grief. The absence was always harder to bear for those who stayed behind. He was going to cruelly miss Dean. It was certainly better to cut ties immediately. Castiel sighed deeply. Under his fingers, Dean's skin was warm and soft. But he could feel the scars. They were part of the young man. They were there to remind anyone watching him how strong and brave he was. Dean could think otherwise as much as he wanted, Castiel knew he was a hero. He had put his life in danger to save those of others. He deserved a medal and honors usually reserved for those who gave their lives for others. He deserved to have the life he had always dreamed. Instead, however, he was lying in a bed hard as a wooden board, squeezed into the arms of a man he knew little and of which he would be separated for good quite soon. He was constantly terrified and had had to be separated from his only family. He had lost the man he loved. Dean was a survivor. Castiel admired him. Castiel closed his eyes again. He should not be distracted by what he felt for the young man. He had to take a final decision and stick to it this time. It was out of question to change his mind. If he left, he would not return. If he stayed, he would go throughout despite the risks. He sincerely hoped that he could sleep on it. Because at that moment, he really had no idea what to do. He knew what he wanted to do of course... but he was not yet sure how to follow his heart on this one. And he absolutely could not be wrong this time. His life and that of all the people who were close to him were at stake.


	16. The Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Here is the 16th chapter and Castiel's decision. Be careful, there is a sexual scene in this chapter.
> 
> Thank you for reading me and writing to me!
> 
> Good reading to all of you.
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> Fix you by Coldplay
> 
> Warnings: language, implied low self-esteem, mention of character death, mention of grief, explicit sexual scene.
> 
> Krohma's notes: Hi guys, I'm back and ready to work at a better pace now. I still have classes though, so don't expect too much either :p I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and the rest of the story!

_"One of the harshest pain is to love someone you can not have"_

Unknown

 

When Castiel opened his eyes, he did not know where he was. Nor why he felt so good. He took a few seconds to collect his thoughts before managing to take stock. He was not alone in his bed. Dean had not moved during the night and he was still stuck against Castiel, his back pressed against his chest, their hands clasped on his belly. The young man was still sleeping. He was breathing deeply and calmly. Castiel chose to enjoy this moment until his companion wakes in his turn. He allowed himself to inhale deeply to fill his nostrils with the smell of the young man. He also appreciated the feeling of the body against his own. They were touching from shoulders to feet. Castiel could not ignore the way his crotch violently reacted to the proximity of Dean's butt. But he did not want to care about it for now.

Everything was perfect at this very moment. Castiel could completely forget everything else. There was no more imminent danger, no more risks nor questions to ask. There were only two men, pressed against one another in a bed and sharing a moment of significant intimacy.

Castiel knew they would have to part soon. And it would undoubtedly break his heart. But he refused to think about it. He loved Dean with all his heart. He wanted to see him smile again, laugh and be happy for the first time in two and a half years. He wanted to help. He did not need to think further. He had the answer to his question. He was going to help the young man. He would not let him face these trials alone. He would be by his side until the end. Until he was forced to let him go away from him and disappear. He did not intend to turn his back on him now.

He knew that once Dean safe, he would have no way to reach him. He would be incredibly unhappy the day of his departure and probably many months later. But he would have the certainty that Dean was okay. That he finally had what he deserved. He could cling to this idea to continue his life on his way.

Of course, he hated the idea of putting Gabriel and the rest of his family in danger. But he felt he was responsible for the young man he was holding in his arms. He had stepped into the spiral and could not escape now. He would have to lie to Gabriel to explain that he would not come back yet. He would try to protect him by no longer having any contact with him during all the time necessary. He would use a false name and throw his phone so no one could track him. He might even ask Henriksen to ensure the safety of his family. It was worth trying his luck on this point.

Castiel closed his eyes again and approached his face of Dean's neck. His lips brushed the warm skin of the young man. He wished he could wake up this way every day until the end of his life. He did not see how he could find anything better or more natural. Dean seemed to have been made to be in his arms. It was almost like a dream. Castiel felt at home against the young man. Almost as if he had finally found his place in this world. Even if it was about to be taken from him. He did not care. He had the sensation of having lived his twenty first two years for the sole purpose to live this moment. It did not matter that it was short or ephemeral. It was what Castiel needed.

The sun seemed to have risen outside. Despite the curtains drawn, its rays were substantially illuminating the bedroom floor. They would have to get up soon. Discuss the way forward and make important decisions. Castiel knew he was ready for this.

He opened his eyes and watched a second the back of Dean's skull. He then let his eyes run down his neck and over his shoulders. They were covered with freckles that scars had not managed to hide completely. The young man was incredibly beautiful. Castiel did not find his scars repulsive. Quite the contrary. They were proof of what he had endured and of the strength he had shown. They were part of him. Castiel loved them as much as he loved the rest of the body of his companion. He smiled weakly, dropping a quick kiss on the left shoulder blade of the young man. The latter made a small sound that sounded like a groan and began to move slightly. His buttocks collided with Castiel's crotch and he had to refrain a moan. He hoped that Dean would not notice it. He preferred not to have to talk about it.

He moved his hips back to end the contact and then watched Dean wake up quietly. The young man moved for a few seconds before yawning deeply. He then turned to face Castiel.

"Morning." He whispered.

Castiel smiled and placed a hand on his cheek to brush it from the tip of the thumb. It was probably a gesture too affectionate given the situation and the nature of their relationship. But he could not help it. He wanted the moment to last as long as possible. He did not intend to address important issues immediately. His brain, however, seemed to be of a different opinion.

"I wanna come with you." He blurted out despite himself.

Dean frowned, visibly surprised by what he had just said. It took him a few seconds to understand what Castiel was trying to tell him. When he realized what those words meant, he immediately shook his head.

"No, no, you can't. I don't want you to take risks for me. Think about your family Castiel… think about your future. It's too dangerous." Dean protested.

Castiel knew he would not agree. He was prepared to hear him try to convince him he was making a mistake. Maybe Dean was right about that. But he did not care. He had made his decision and he was sticking to it.

"I weighed the pros and cons Dean and I know I could not bear to leave you to face it all alone. I want to help you. I am willing to take risks for you."

It was a declaration of love and they both knew it. Castiel was not yet ready to say the three words that would change everything between them. But he had never been so close. Dean remained silent for long seconds before approaching substantially from Castiel and putting his arm around his waist so that he could not back up.

"I ain't no good for you Cas… I'm going to hurt you and I'll end up breaking your heart. You need to be aware of this."

"I am." Castiel assured.

He was not stupid as to ignore that nothing serious could ever happen between the young man and himself. But he refused so far to deny the feelings he had for Dean. They were part of him now. It was useless to pretend that this was not the case.

"I am, but I don't care. I want to stay with you until the end. No matter the rest."

He had expected to have to fight hard with the young man. He had thought he was going to need to argue for hours. But Dean eventually just nodded slowly to give his agreement. Castiel felt a smile slowly stretching his lips. He was not quite sure what this nod really meant. Was Dean only accepting his assistance or also his feelings?

"I promise to do everything for you to... so that nothing happens to you. I'll ask Henriksen to protect yourself and your family too. I don't care what might happen to me but... I could never forgive myself if anything happened to you."

Castiel knew Dean did not think highly of himself and that he was ready to sacrifice everything for others. He had seen it in his way of depriving himself of Sam and Bobby to protect them. And although he admired the young man for this, he was irritated to see that he had no interest for his own safety. This was also why he thought he had to stay with him. He had to help him realize that he had every reason to live. He had the right to live.

"Dean, what you do not understand is that I too refuse to see you suffer... I'm here because I want to. Not because I have to. I want to help you. I want you to live. So maybe you'll do anything to protect me but you should know that I'll do the same to protect you."

Dean seemed genuinely surprised by what his companion was saying. Castiel knew that nobody had really made this statement to him long ago. Apart from Benny probably. But Castiel refused to think about him for the moment. Not when he still had Dean in his arms and in his bed.

"Why Cas? Why would you do this?"

"Because I… because I want to, and because I… Dean… don't make me say it."

Castiel was just not ready to say "I love you." Even though it was exactly what he felt. He refused to do so long as they were not safe. And he suspected he'd probably never have a chance to. As soon as they would be cleared of any threats, Dean would disappear for good.

"You should have left me on this roadside." Eventually murmured the young man whose breath reverberated on the mouth of Castiel.

The latter had to refrain from kissing him. Their proximity made him crazy. Fortunately for him, the content of their discussion had defeated his erection.

"I do not regret having told you to ride with me."

"You could."

"Never."

Dean sighed deeply before closing his eyes for a second. Castiel watched his face with features so finely drawn, passing his tongue over his lips. There was really no defect in the face of his companion. His nose was straight and fine, his lips plump and full, his cheekbones high and his jaws square. His eyes were magnificent. Their color was fascinating. The freckles that covered his nose and cheeks only emphasized the beauty of his features. Castiel had never seen such an attractive man.

"I think you don't understand what…" Dean started with a serious voice.

Castiel could not let him continue to run himself down like this. He had had enough.

"No Dean, _you_ don't understand. I did not choose to feel these things. And yes, everything would probably be easier for me if I had never met you. But I do not regret so far to have picked you up. Because I learned so much at your side. I've had experiences that I will never forget... and I had the chance to meet an extraordinary man for whom I have great admiration. I will never regret all of this... and not even if I have to take risks or get myself killed."

"Don't say that!" Dean cut him off, opening his eyes.

He seemed genuinely hurt by what he was hearing and Castiel scolded himself for hurting him. But he needed to hear it all. Needed to understand that his determination would not waver. He was ready to do anything for the young man. He was aware of the risks he was running. He had chosen not to let them stop him. It was his decision and Dean could not convince him otherwise.

"I'll say it again and again until you accept it for good. I will not give up. I will not leave overnight. Let them come to me... I'm ready. It's you who matters. You and nobody else."

"But you..."

"I know what you're gonna say Dean." Castiel interrupted, raising his voice. "I'm young and I have life before me. But how do you want me to live it knowing that you struggle for yours daily? How do you want me to move forward when I know that you are in danger somewhere? I can't... I can never... not after what you told me. Not now that I know what you've been through. "

Dean shook his head for a while.

"You're an idiot." He claimed in a voice that was perceptibly shaking.

Castiel nodded. He probably was. But he did not care what people could say or think of him.

"I certainly am an idiot… but I lo…"

Dean suddenly pressed his hand against his mouth to prevent him to say what he had thought being unable to say. He was immediately relieved not to have uttered those three words that would have changed everything.

"Don't say it... I can't hear it." Whispered Dean.

Castiel nodded once more and the young man immediately withdrew his hand from his mouth. They then looked each other in the eyes for long seconds without moving. Castiel could read anxiety and hope in those of his companion. He wondered what he was reading in his own. The silence was not uncomfortable between them. They did not really need to talk to say what was weighing on their heart at this moment. Dean knew without doubt that Castiel was in love with him. Castiel knew that the young man was worried but grateful. It was useless to put words on their fears or emotions. They just needed to stare at each other.

"Cas, I want you to know that I'll probably never... I'll probably never have feelings as strong for someone again." Dean confessed in a murmur.

He seemed determined to really be honest with Castiel. It was touching. They had already broached the subject several times. But never with as much sincerity. And not after Castiel has more or less confessed his feelings for the young man.

"I'll never fall in love. I once was... and it's as if my heart was broken definitively. Benny meant everything to me. He was my chance to be happy and now I've lost him... there's no room for anyone else. I hope you know that. Because beyond our limited time and the fact that me might both be dead tonight, it's something that makes everything... impossible between us."

"If we manage to imprison Alastair... if we win, you will change your identity and you will be given a new chance to live your life. You really think you could never meet someone that you'd love?"

Dean took a few seconds to think before answering.

"Not like I've loved him…"

Castiel nodded for the umpteenth time. He understood what the young man was saying. Benny was too important to him. He had been the first and he was there when Dean was at his lowest. He had been his first hope of getting out. Castiel could never compare. He was not sure he wanted to. He knew Dean had still not recovered from the death of the man he loved. And he still had the same feelings for him. This was not likely to change in the near future. He might be able to move on when this story would be behind him. But Castiel would not be there to see it. He would probably be thousands of kilometers of him. The timing was not good. For something to happen, they would have to meet in other circumstances or in other times. But he accepted it. He did not really have a choice.

"Dean, I do not blame you for loving him to this day. I don't expect anything from you. I will not force you to anything whatsoever and I certainly not hope to gain something from this story. You have to trust me. That's all I ask of you."

"I trust you." The young man assured.

Castiel gave him a thin smile. He then drew his companion to him to hold him in his arms. He knew they had to get up soon. They could not lose more time in bed. But he still needed this proximity with the young man. He felt close to him. He felt bound to him.

"Cas…" Dean whispered in his neck.

Castiel significantly released his grip and let the young man move away. He expected to see him finally get out of bed. But the young man surprised him by grabbing his face in his hands to drop a quick kiss on his lips. It was the fourth time he did that in a few days. The third since last night. It probably meant nothing more than the day before. But Castiel's body had other ideas. And it immediately reacted to this chaste touch. Dean could not be ignorant of this since he was completely pressed against him. But he did not seem to care.

"Cas." He repeated.

Castiel kissed him in his turn. This time, their lips moved for a few seconds against each other. It was intense and electrifying. Castiel had never experienced anything like this. He put his hand in the back of his companion to keep him close. When they parted, Dean was breathing heavily and irregularly. Castiel could feel his cheeks burning and his heart pounding into his temples.

"I'm no good for you." Dean claimed.

Castiel ignored the remark and kissed the forehead of the young man to give his disagreement.

"I'll end up hurting you."

Castiel knew exactly what the young man wanted. He wanted to discourage him to go further but was unable to push him back. He wanted to make him understand that all of this meant nothing. They just needed some affection and tenderness before facing the people who wanted to hurt him. Castiel already knew that.

"I ain't someone good."

Dean actually meant it and this annoyed Castiel to no end. But he did not want to lose his temper against the young man. He simply kissed him on the nose and on the chin.

"I'll never be able to give you what you want... I'll never be able to give you anything."

"I know." Castiel assured because he had heard enough.

He silenced his companion, kissing him on the lips. Dean did not resist and eventually responded to the kiss after a few seconds. The tongue of Castiel came pressing against the lips of the young man and he finally opened the mouth to allow him access. They kissed like this for minutes. Castiel had his hand still in the middle of the back of his companion. He made it slide slowly down his spine to the waistband of the boxer shorts he was wearing to sleep. He dared not go further. He was not even sure what the young man was expecting of him. He then let his hand where it was while they were putting an end to their kiss to catch their breath. Dean was staring at Castiel nervously. He seemed not to know what he wanted to do. But he was not rejecting him either. So it was up to Castiel to make the decision for them both. He took a deep breath and rolled his companion on his back before sitting on him.

"Cas, we shouldn't… it ain't..." Dean weakly protested.

Castiel signaled him to shut up immediately. He did not intend to follow through with the young man. It was not the right time and he knew that his companion was not ready to do so. Moreover, Castiel had no idea of how he should behave to give pleasure to Dean. He did not want to hurt him but he knew that this was a sine qua non condition for his companion to really enjoy what they were doing. But he still intended to make the most out of it.

"Let me take care of you Dean… I won't do anything you don't want me to do. But I just want to make you feel good."

Castiel kissed the young man on the mouth once more and then sprinkled his whole face with kisses. He then looked into his eyes to see his response. Dean gave him a small smile before nodding. It was everything Castiel needed to get started. He nodded in turn and then kissed Dean again. This time the young man completely responded to the kiss and circled his companion with his arms. He pulled him against himself, Castiel's erection pressing against his stomach. Dean could not ignore this of course. But it was further proof of the state in which he was placing his companion and Castiel hoped it was not something that might make him doubt. He was eager to continue. But he would stop if indeed the young man asked. He would not force him.

"You're so beautiful Dean… you have no idea how gorgeous you are." He whispered, detaching his lips from those of the young man.

Castiel then dropped kisses on his neck and on each shoulder. He wanted to kiss each of his freckles. But he had no time to do so. He gave it up and simply kissed the burns on the chest of Dean. He felt the young man immediately tense.

"Do not be ashamed of them Dean. They are part of you. They are proof that you survived and I find them beautiful."

Castiel did not let his companion time to respond and slid his tongue along the tattoo that came down his left pectoral to his navel. He brought one of his hands up to the piercing crossing the right nipple of his companion and markedly pulled it. Dean let out a moan that spoke volumes about how he felt. Castiel then released the ring and continued his descent. He grabbed the hem of the young man's briefs and slowly lowered it down his legs. Dean immediately put a hand on the top of his head.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

Castiel nodded, then kissed the stomach of the young man. He grabbed his penis in his right hand and laid kisses on its entire length before taking it in his mouth. He had not much experience in this field. But he was determined to do his best. He grabbed Dean by the hips to prevent him from moving and began to lower his head. He was surprised to find that he appreciated the weight of Dean's rod on his tongue and the way he had to squeeze in his throat once he had him in full in his mouth. He breathed through the nose and began to continue the downward movement. He applied pressure of the tip of the tongue on the length and let his teeth slightly touch the delicate skin in his mouth. He knew it was exactly what Dean needed. He absolutely couldn't forget. He finally released the young man's hips and grabbed the ring across his nipple. He pulled gently, earning another moan from his companion. He then felt exhilarated. He quickened the pace of his mouth and significantly dug his nails into Dean's stomach. The latter then began to shake his hips. Castiel was struggling to breathe but the sounds coming from the young man made up for his discomfort. He wanted Dean to feel good. He wanted him to take pleasure. And obviously, he was about to reach his goal. The young man moaned louder and when Castiel looked up, he saw his face covered in sweat and flushed with excitement and pleasure. He pulled a little harder on the ring he was still holding between his fingers and right ahead pressed his tongue just on the tip of Dean's rod. Almost immediately, the thighs of young man tensed and he groaned before surrendering to pleasure. He arched his back, almost suffocating Castiel, then spread out extensively in his mouth. Castiel had never swallowed before. He had always withdrawn at the last moment. But he forced his throat to take action and let the young man's sperm flow smoothly. He eventually pulled back his face after a few seconds, licking his lips. Dean had his eyes closed and seemed completely within the scope of his orgasm. Castiel immediately released the ring in his nipple and slowly climbed along his body. He dropped a quick kiss on his lips. Dean did not react immediately and Castiel was about to go to the bathroom to take care of himself. But he had hardly begun to move when the young man grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him to lie on his back in his turn.

"Your turn." Dean groaned before biting Castiel's lip slightly.

He slid his hands under Castiel's tee and went up along his chest. It was the first he would see his companion naked and the latter could not help being nervous. He wanted to hide. He knew he had nothing remarkable. He was aware of not measuring up to his companion. But when Dean kissed his chest and belly, he forgot his doubts and fears. He chose to go with the flow. He would probably never experiment such a moment with his companion again and he wanted to enjoy it. He closed his eyes as Dean was removing his pajama pants and underpants. The young man slipped almost immediately his mouth around his penis. He obviously had a lot more experience than Castiel. But after a few wonderful seconds during which he pressed the tip of his tongue against all the places that wrested shivers from Castiel, he stopped. His companion immediately protested and opened his eyes. Dean was staring at him without moving. Obviously, he wanted something from him. Castiel took a few seconds to understand. He was distracted by the sight of the mouth of his companion closed around the tip of his penis. By his luscious lips tightened around him. When he managed to get out of his contemplation, Castiel gently lifted his hips. Dean moaned immediately to encourage him to continue. It was obviously not the first time he did something like that. He had no difficulty taking the entire length of Castiel in his mouth. He knew exactly what to do with his tongue. And it raised questions that his companion absolutely did not want to ask himself. How many times had he been in that situation? How many men had used his mouth this way? Had Alastair... Castiel forced himself not to go further in his thoughts. Dean seemed comfortable. He wanted his companion take the reins. And it certainly made sense knowing the sexual preferences of the young man. Castiel then forgot all his doubts and did what his companion was asking silently. He lifted his hips again and began a piston-like movement of which the pace quickened rapidly. He could not take his eyes off Dean and his mouth. It was absolutely mesmerizing. And his moans were causing vibrations throughout the length of Castiel's rod. He could already feel the beginnings of his orgasm in his lower abdomen and thighs. His breath was jolting and sweat was dripping on his forehead. He continued to move back and forth in Dean's mouth for a few seconds before letting go in his turn. He came lengthily, moaning loudly. He saw the throat of his companion getting busy to swallow and he could not suppress another moan. When Dean pulled his head back, his lips were substantially swollen and his cheeks entirely red. He was breathtaking. Castiel pulled the young man to him and kissed him on the lips immediately. Dean laid down on him, holding himself slightly up with his arms. Castiel put his hands in his neck to keep him against himself. He knew they would have to talk once they would be separated. But he still did not know what he wanted to say. So he made the kiss last as long as possible before being forced to release Dean to breath. The young man then laid next to him, on his back, his hands clasped over his stomach. Castiel turned on the side to look at him, his head on his hand, elbow bent.

"Are you okay?" He asked, slightly worried by the silence of his companion.

Dean nodded slowly, smiling.

"I just had an incredible orgasm... I can only be okay." He answered.

Castiel smiled back, relieved that the young man was not panicking. He also had to admit that he was proud to have been able to procure as much pleasure to his companion. He put his free hand on the younger's stomach, incidentally covering some of the scars that were there.

"Dean…" He blurted without really knowing what he wanted to say.

The young man grabbed his hand to squeeze it in his own and spoke in his turn.

"I don't want you to delude yourself Cas... it was good... but like last time, it doesn't mean anything and you must know that."

Castiel nodded immediately. He had known as soon as he had started that they would not form a couple afterwards. He had no illusions. He had just wanted to give pleasure to his companion. He had not had any other goal in mind.

"I know that... I'm not asking anything. I just wanted to... to make you feel good."

"Well, mission accomplished." Dean affirmed, turning his face to him.

Castiel immediately felt the heavy weight on his shoulders evaporate. They were on the same wavelength and they could move forward without feeling awkward. Dean sighed deeply and ran a hand over his face.

"Henriksen has his office in Washington but I still have his number. I can ask him to join us here. It'll be more prudent for us to give him an appointment in a place that we'll have previously investigated and whose defects and qualities we'll know."

Castiel nodded. He intended to let his companion act and make decisions on how to operate. He had more experience than him in this area. He had spent several months playing double agents within Alastair's organization and one year escaping his torturers and the police. He knew how to hide. He knew how to act discreetly. Castiel had no experience in this field and would probably put them too much at risk.

"I'll have to call from a phone booth. I don't want him to locate my phone with the GPS."

"What are you gonna tell him?"

Dean sighed deeply and took a few seconds to think. Castiel suspected that Henriksen would be surprised by his call. There would likely be threats. But Dean seemed determined.

"I'll offer to give him the informations he needs for my protection and that of my family. He'll agree to come. The problem will be convincing him to do so alone."

Castiel could easily imagine several FBI agents turning up to the meeting place, armed and ready to arrest them both. It was a risk. He hoped that Dean had a plan to escape if this however was to occur.

"We'll wait to see him before joining him. We'll station ourselves on two different locations to properly monitor the area. When we're sure he's alone, we'll go talk to him. However, if he is accompanied, we'll flee immediately. I don't wanna take risks."

Castiel agreed with a nod and then watched the young man finally getting up from the bed. Their moment was over and it was time to get serious. Dean picked up his boxer that was lying at the foot of the bed and grabbed clothes in his bag before taking the direction of the bathroom. Castiel could not help but to stare at him, lingering on his scarred back and his firm and muscular buttocks. When the young man entered the bathroom, he did not bother to close the door behind him. Castiel got out of bed in turn and picked up his clothes. He put on his pajama pants and adjusted his tee. He then walked to the bathroom and leaned against the door frame. Dean was in front of the mirror and was watching his reflection with interest. He had turned on the water in the shower but did not seem ready yet to go inside.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Castiel asked despite himself.

He could not help being worried about his companion. He knew that this was largely due to the feelings he had for him. But he could not help it. Dean was now looking at him in the reflection of the mirror.

"Just a bit stressed." He revealed.

He had every reason to be. Castiel knew he was playing for high stakes by contacting Henriksen. His future, his life and that of his family. He was entitled to be worried. But Castiel was confident. He knew that together they were capable of anything.

"Everything's gonna be fine." He promised.

He could not be sure but he had a good intuition. He would not let anyone hurt his companion. He was ready to confront criminals or the FBI to give him a better future. And Dean could not ignore it. Not after everything they had told each other. The young man gave him a little smile in the mirror and finally went into the shower. Castiel watched one second his silhouette through the glass of the shower and turned on his heel.

"Do you want coffee?" He asked loud enough for his companion to hear.

The latter accepted immediately and Castiel began to fill the coffee pot that was on the table before him. He then threw a glance over his shoulder at the bed he had shared with his companion. The sheets were wrinkled and two of the pillows bore traces of their passage. The room smelled of sex and sweat. Castiel liked that idea. Even if he could not help being slightly embarrassed at the idea that the maid could understand what had happened when entering the room. He smiled in spite of himself and checked that the coffee maker was working before turning to his bag and preparing his clothes.

When Dean finally came out of the bathroom, he was dressed and had wet hair stuck to his forehead. Castiel stared at him a second, perfectly remembering what he looked like naked. He felt his cheeks flush and he did not look at him any longer to avoid being caught. He entered in his turn in the bathroom and also left the door open. He undressed quickly and stepped into the shower. He took a long moment to enjoy the sensation of hot water on his skin. He washed his hair and body carefully before turning off the water. Once wiped and dressed, he joined Dean in the bedroom. He sat across from him at the small table near the window and took in his hands the cup of coffee that his companion had prepared for him. He took a sip while Dean was looking insistently through the window of which he had opened the curtains.

"Today's the day everything changes." He stated calmly.

Castiel smiled before nodding and looking in his turn the parking lot through the window.

"For the best." He whispered to give a bit of courage and optimism to his companion.

The latter brought his coffee cup to his lips and blew to cool it significantly.

"May you be right Cas... may you be right." He declared, slightly fatalistic.

Castiel knew he had not say that to pain or offend him. He really wanted to believe him. But he still had doubts. It was probably normal after all he had been through. But Castiel refused to let himself be attained by his doubts. He had to be strong and confident to compensate for the lack of confidence of the young man. He vowed to do everything to give him the necessary strength to face the trials that awaited them. He would have to put himself aside for a while to focus only on the young man. But first he would have to call Gabriel to tell him he did not know when he would return. He knew that his brother would not take the news well. He was probably going to advise him against staying. But he would not let himself being convinced. He had made a decision and he well intended to stick to it. Dean deserved him to make this sacrifice for him. Castiel took another sip of coffee and thought of an excuse that would convince his brother. He would certainly have to put forward the feelings he had for the young man. This would make him look like someone naive and a bit stupid but he did not care about that. He knew that Gabriel had committed a lot of errors when he was in love with Kali. He knew exactly what one was capable of when one had such feelings. This was his only chance to convince him that he was not up to something else.

Castiel nodded, then turned his attention on Dean. The young man was still staring at the parking lot and seemed to see something that was not there. He was probably lost in thought. Castiel did not intend to disrupt or interrupt him. He just admired the way the morning sun was illuminating the young man's face. His eyes seemed to shine even more than usual. His full lips were a little red. He was breathtaking. Castiel sometimes wondered how Dean saw himself when looking in the mirror. He suspected that he had not a good image of himself. He seemed extremely embarrassed by his scars. They reminded him of too bad memories. He probably had the feeling they disfigured him. But Castiel liked to see them. He hated what they represented. But it reminded him every time why he was there with the young man. Why he was ready for any sacrifice for his companion. Beyond his feelings for him, he had another motivation to help the younger. He wanted to see him get through and finally have a normal life. Dean had overcome trials since he was seventeen. He had suffered more than any other person of his age and that many older people. He was entitled to some rest and calm. He had the right to triumph over his demons. Castiel had the feeling of having a mission to accomplish. He felt ready to fulfill it. And the day Dean and him would finally be separated, he would care about the rest and the damage the presence of the young man had had on him and his heart. For once, Dean would have to accept that someone sacrifices themselves for him and not the other way around. It was certainly the first of the steps Castiel would have to take.


	17. Henriksen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Here is the 17th chapter. And Henriksen joins in for this confrontation.
> 
> Thank you for continuing to read me and write to me.
> 
> Good chapter to all,
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter Music:
> 
> Carry on my wayward son by Kansas
> 
> Warnings: language, mention of tortures, mention of murder

 

_"True courage never lets itself get down"_

Fénelon

 

Dean had managed to convince Special Agent Victor Henriksen to come to them in Detroit in a place they had chosen beforehand, at the time they imposed and alone. Castiel had been impressed by the conversation that his friend had had with this man. He could not hear the answers of Henriksen but the tone of Dean had left no room for debate or any negotiation. He had got what he wanted from his interlocutor. Obviously, the young man knew exactly what he was doing and did not seem impressed by the career and reputation of Henriksen. Castiel had taken the time to do some research on him in a cafe that offered free internet access. He had learned that the officer was known for hunting down dangerous criminals. He was only entrusted the most serious business and he had a success rate near perfection. His superiors apparently heaped praise on him and at thirty-nine years old, Henriksen was the man that everyone saw as the head of the FBI in a few years. Castiel had recognized his face as soon as he had seen it on his computer screen. The name had been familiar to him when Dean had mentioned it, but Castiel had not had time to consider the problem. That was when his picture had appeared before him that he had remembered. Henriksen was the agent that the journalists had interviewed to talk about the ongoing investigation of one of the most active criminal networks in the country and of which one the cornerstones, Jake something if Castiel remembered well, had been killed a few days earlier. It had not taken him much longer to make the connection between what he had heard on the news and what Dean had said. The case that the police could not solve was the only cloud on the horizon for Henriksen. And it was also directly related to Dean. For it was from this organization that the young man had escaped a year earlier. Alastair Black was leading it and Dean was the only person who could get him busted. Castiel had been shocked when he had made the connection between everything he knew. He had not questioned Dean about it even if he was dying to know whether he knew Jake something or the man who had trained him and who had been killed earlier.

Castiel had finally called Gabriel to inform him of his intention to stay with Dean for some time. As he had expected, his brother had advised him against doing so, telling him again and again that he would inevitably suffer. Castiel had let him talk before reminding him that he was in love with the young man. Gabriel then had wished him luck and had assured him of his support. Castiel did not like the idea of lying to him but he had no choice. He had to protect his brother from the men searching for Dean and he would do anything for it. He would explain the whole story when his friend would finally be safe. He would certainly cry in his arms then. But he preferred not to think about it for now.

Once the details settled and calls made, Dean had led Castiel to the meeting place for which they had opted. It was a cafe in the city center which was sufficiently exposed so that nobody dares to try anything against him, and enough away from most of the crowd so they could talk peacefully. They had agreed to get there an hour before the arrival of Henriksen to monitor the surroundings. They had defined together two points of observation to ensure that the agent would be alone. Dean had then insisted they buy a disposable phone each to be able to communicate when they would be separated. During the rest of the afternoon, they had reviewed the plan in detail a dozen times. Henriksen's plane was to land the next morning and the appointment was set for ten o'clock.

They spent the evening watching TV and eating pizza without speaking. They slept again in the same room but each in their bed. The next morning, they were up at seven and ready to go at eight. Before they go out to reach their car, Dean held his gun to Castiel and insisted that he takes it with him. It was exactly as he remembered. Shiny. Beautiful. But it was not a toy and Castiel had never used a weapon before. He had never even played these shooting video games that his brothers loved. He did not know how to aim or how to remove the safety. He had no desire to take the gun with him. Yet Dean insisted extensively. He would certainly not make run the slightest risk to Castiel. He had to give him credit for that. He had a knife in addition to his gun that he was going to keep with him to defend himself if necessary. Castiel eventually yielded when the young man affirmed that unarmed, they would not go very far. He then listened to him explaining how the firearm worked and repeated the gestures several times to be sure. They then set out, stressed but determined.

Once on the spot, Castiel took a seat at the location that Dean had chosen for him. He was out of sight without seeming suspicious if indeed he was seen by someone. He was not for all that. Dean had told him what to observe and the signs that he had to be vigilant about. The gun of the young man had gone into the waistband of his jeans, on his buttocks, and he could not stop thinking about it. He tried to calm his nerves by reminding himself in a loop all that Dean had told him. He kept his eyes on the cafe where Henriksen was to join them in a few minutes. Then he gazed at each of the present customers to ensure that no one was suspicious. He was not sure of being able identify other agents if indeed they were among the people who were settled in the cafe. But he wanted to try. He then observed the street, watching out for Henriksen. He jumped when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He immediately pulled it out and picked up without even checking who was calling. Dean was the only one to have this number.

"Nothing to report here." Said the young man. "You?"

Castiel took a few seconds to watch again the customers at the bar and the people coming and going in front of it. He saw nothing out of the ordinary.

"Same."

"Henriksen should not be long. We wait fifteen minutes. If he's not here within that period, we take off. I don't want to take any risk."

Castiel had total confidence in Dean to make the right decision. He had managed to escape the police and Alastair for a year without resources. He had lived for several months in a powerful criminal organization while playing double agents. He knew exactly what he was doing. Castiel did not for a second doubt of him on this point.

"Keep a sharp eye for the moment. I'll call back."

Castiel let Dean hang up without saying anything. He then put his phone in his pocket and turned his attention to the cafe in front of him. He was conscious of being in a situation that was entirely beyond him. He never had thought he would live anything like this. He was not made to manage the inherent stress. And Dean's gun seemed to weigh a ton in his back. But he was determined to do everything to prove worthy. He had made a promise to his companion and he well intended to keep it.

The fifteen-minute period granted by Dean to Henriksen was almost elapsed when the FBI agent finally appeared in his field of vision. Castiel suddenly felt his heart accelerate. He had the greatest difficulty in the world to find his phone in his pocket. He finally laid hands on it when Henriksen was sitting at a table a few meters from him. Castiel immediately dialed Dean's number.

"He's here." He declared as soon as the young man had picked up.

He kept his eyes on Henriksen who had just order something and was waiting patiently for their arrival. He seemed to be alone there. But Castiel still took a few seconds to observe the other persons. There were no new clients or people that seemed suspicious around.

"What do we do?" He asked, Dean staying silent on the other end of the line.

"We wait five minutes to ensure he's alone and then we join him." The young man answered.

Castiel nodded immediately, although his companion could not see him. He kept the phone pressed against his ear, observing Henriksen in front of whom the waitress had put a coffee. The officer was drinking calmly, apparently not worried about their absence. Castiel suspected that he was accustomed to such situations and knew exactly how to handle them. He had the upper hand. Dean might be necessary for his investigation, but it was not Henriksen's life that was at stake. It was the young man's. And this made them dependent on the decisions of the FBI agent. They would have to get his agreement.

"Okay, let's go." Dean eventually said.

Castiel hung up and took the direction of the café. Henriksen did not know him and they had decided to take advantage of this. He would be the one to approach the FBI agent first. He had to sit in front of him and start the conversation. Henriksen could do nothing against him and if indeed he had come accompanied, they hoped that this arrival would force him to reveal himself. If no one seemed suspect at Castiel's arrival, Dean would in turn come out of hiding. It was a risky bet and they both knew it.

Castiel was totally freaked out when Henriksen's gaze finally settled on him. The agent did not seem particularly anxious to see him approach him. Castiel forced himself to look him in the eye and look as calm as possible while his heart was pounding in his chest and in his temples. His hands were sweaty and he had the feeling that Dean's firearm was burning the skin of his back. He was pretty sure his mental distress could be read on his face. He had never faced someone as important as Henriksen. He had no idea how he would approach him. He should have thought about it before. But it was too late now. He closed the gap between him and the FBI agent. He finally looked away and sat on the chair opposite him. He clasped his hands on the table to not look too dangerous and risk ending up with a gun pointed to his head before speaking.

"Did you come alone?" He asked, thinking of Dean.

The young man had to be watching them. This brought a semblance of comfort to Castiel.

"Who the hell are you?" Henriksen replied immediately, frowning.

He absolutely could not give his real name. Dean had insisted on it. He had not a common name and Henriksen would quickly identify him if he answered to his question. He sighed deeply, turning his attention to the FBI agent. Around them, people were attending to their business without worrying about them. It was a good thing. Obviously, Henriksen had come alone.

"Who I am doesn't matter. But if you really need a name, call me Jimmy."

"Jimmy?"

Castiel nodded. He had chosen it as a tribute to Jimmy Olsen, whom he had always been a fan of when he watched Superman. Dean had slightly mocked him about it. But Castiel perfectly assumed his particular tastes. He had never managed to have compassion for Clark Kent. He was pretentious and stupid. Jimmy, however, was the one to whom people entrusted all the thankless tasks and who ended up bringing them to completion despite the lack of recognition he earned. They were alike in many ways.

"I answered your question, now answer mine." Castiel demanded when it became obvious that Henriksen had not intention to speak without being forced to.

He could understand his surprise. He probably had not expected to be faced with someone he did not know. But Castiel had no intention of letting himself being destabilized. He had a role to play. Dean had trusted him on this and he intended to show him he was up to it.

"Did you come alone?" He then asked again in a calm voice.

His heart was still pounding in his chest but he was doing his best to ignore it. He kept his eyes fixed on Henriksen. He particularly could not show that he was anxious.

"I came alone, like Dean asked. But he did not say _he_ would be accompanied." Henriksen eventually answered.

It was a reproach. Castiel could easily guess. The agent was obviously trying to put him even more uncomfortable. It was a duel. Castiel doubted he could win without the help of his friend. But for now, Dean could not yet be seen. He had to be as cautious as possible.

"I am here to ensure that everything goes well... it is not a trap that you were set in. Dean really wants to talk to you. But you know as well as I do that he's taking a risk by presenting himself in front of you. Much less well-meaning people than us could catch him. This is not what we want, is it?"

Henriksen nodded and Castiel knew he had a point. He then took a deep breath in and called out the waitress to ask for a coffee. When she left, he turned his attention back to the FBI agent facing him.

"Dean is willing to give you the information you need but he demands some guarantees in exchange. His life is in danger. It is out of question that he takes unnecessary risks. But he wants to help you. And he wants you to help him in return. Do you think you could do that?"

Castiel needed the agreement of Henriksen before letting Dean know he could join them. The young man would not come as long as they were not sure that this meeting would lead to something important.

"Wouldn't have come if I couldn't. I can guarantee him full protection for him and his brother."

"And how about myself?" Castiel immediately asked.

He had not really thought about his own safety until then, obsessed with that of Dean. But if Henriksen was as powerful as his friend had meant to suggest, he could do something for him too. Maybe not integrate him into the witness protection program, but ask the police to keep an eye on his family. That was all he needed.

"I don't even know who you really are, _Jimmy_. I'm sorry but I don't think I can do anything for you. Now, if Dean doesn't deign to appear to me quickly, I'll have to leave. And you know as well as I do that it's in his interest to get my help. Without me, he'll end up killed. I'm sure this is not what you want."

Castiel definitively did _not_ like the attitude of Henriksen. He accepted his answer because he had not really believed that the agent could do anything for him. But he felt that he deserved to be show some respect. And this man had no right to treat Dean this way. The young man certainly needed the help of Henriksen. But the FBI needed him at least as much to arrest Alastair and finish off the case on which they were working on for so long. He was their main asset and Henriksen would be wise to understand this.

"Dean is perfectly aware of what he needs but after the sacrifices he had to make, I think he has every right to be suspicious. And you should watch your tone with me if you want to get anything from him. You can say whatever you want. I know that without Dean, you will never put anyone under arrest. And it would certainly be a blot in the landscape of your brilliant career."

Henriksen winced, visibly surprised to face such resistance. Castiel was amazed that he was able to stand up to a man who impressed him so much. But he had managed to convince himself to play a character. Jimmy was different from him. He didn't let himself get scared that easily. And he knew exactly how to handle such situations.

"Good, now that we got everything clear, you must promise me once again that you will do everything in your power to put Samuel Winchester and Robert Singer under cover. Then, Dean may accept to speak to you. But he needs certainty."

"I don't like at all the way you have to give me orders, Jimmy. You have no idea of the risks you're running by meddling in this story. If I were you, I'd run for my life. I'd return to my little life without looking back. You seem like a smart guy, and I'm sure you have a family waiting for you somewhere. You have nothing to do here."

Castiel swallowed hard. Henriksen was not wavering. And it was definitely not a good point for him and Dean. But he did not thereby intend to give up.

"I know exactly what I'm doing, agent. I wanna help Dean."

"He'll get you killed. The men who are after him are not kidding. They'll have no mercy for you."

"Dean made the same hardline speech and I'm still here. You're not the one who will manage to convince me to leave."

Henriksen finally nodded before emptying his coffee cup. They stayed silent while the waitress brought Castiel's drink, then the agent let out a long sigh before crossing his arms over his chest.

"Okay Jimmy. You are tough... I admit it. I promise to put Dean and his family in safety once I get enough information."

"No," Contradicted Castiel, shaking his head. "You're going to put Sam and Bobby in security today. _Then_ , Dean will give you all the information he has. And before he speaks, you will also guarantee police surveillance for my brother so no one can attempt anything against him."

Henriksen sneered a second. Castiel really wanted to speak his mind. But he doubted that insulting him would lead to anything positive. He had to stay calm.

"I told you. I can't do anything for you. You chose to help. You must take the consequences. The FBI is not a charity. And we do not obey orders of boys like you who think themselves better than anyone and stick their nose into things that do not concern them just to get laid."

This time, Castiel had heard enough. He clenched his fists and opened his mouth, ready to tell Henriksen he did not like at all what he was implying. But he had no time to say anything. When he looked up at the agent, Dean was standing behind him, his face dark and his shoulders tense.

"Victor." He voiced with some disdain.

Henriksen immediately turned around, surprised. Castiel instinctively put a hand in his back on the firearm he had hidden under his sweater. He was not sure to be able to shoot but he liked its feeling against his palm. He watched Dean skirt around the table to sit next to him. Henriksen also stared at him.

"Dean, what a pleasant surprise." Replied the agent.

Castiel took a few seconds to observe the people around them. No one seemed to pay attention to what was happening at their table. It was a good thing. But they would have to play it shrewdly.

"You're a naughty liar Victor." Dean commented, smiling.

Castiel was surprised by his composure and his apparent calmness. He knew his friend was playing big in this story. But he seemed unimpressed by the man facing him. This was probably due to the past they shared and the many meetings that had taken place before Dean takes flight.

"But let's get down to basics. I know what you need and you know my requirements. We could discuss it calmly. I doubt making a scene here will do any good."

"It's up to you whether things go smoothly between us." Reminded Henriksen.

Dean shrugged and grabbed Castiel's arm to bring his hand before him. Obviously, Henriksen had realized that he was armed. He would probably not agree to discuss while he was threatened. Castiel looked down.

"Good, Dean. Now I'd quite like Jimmy here leaves us a bit alone. I doubt he wants to hear what we have to say."

If Dean was surprised by the first name given by Henriksen, he did not let it show through his behavior. He just crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head sharply.

"Jimmy knows all there is to know about me."

"Oh really?" Henriksen asked, leaning his head to the side.

Castiel saw Dean's shoulders tense again. He would have been willing to bet that Dean was still hiding things to him. But it was not the right time to ask questions on this. He absolutely did not to get the young man in trouble.

"Really." Dean confirmed after a few seconds.

Henriksen raised both hands in his direction as a sign of appeasement and placed them on the table before him.

"Fine. Like I told Jimmy, I'm ready to protect your family as agreed a year ago. I guarantee a change of identity for you three. You can lead a normal life away from all this. But first, I want you to prove to me that you have the information I need."

Dean did not immediately speak again. He seemed to think for long seconds of what he had just heard. Castiel could understand his hesitation. The security of the people he loved most in the world was at stake. He could not rush things.

"I want Sam and Bobby safe before I tell you anything... and I want Jimmy's family also protected until everything's over. Then you'll take me to my brother and you can forget my existence."

Henriksen sighed deeply, visibly annoyed of still not getting what he wanted. He probably did not often encounter such resistance. Castiel felt like smiling but he refrained. There was nothing funny or amusing in what they were living.

"I want proof that you have this information before doing anything. And there's nothing I can do for Jimmy's family. He's not part of the deal."

"Then you get nothing." Dean assured, standing up.

Castiel watched him, surprised. He did not want his friend to spoil his chances of having a normal life because of him. He knew the risks he was taking by coming here. He was willing to take them as he had said to Henriksen. Dean especially could not lose this unique opportunity because of him. Although he was touched that the young man was also concerned for him and his family.

"Dean, you're not in a position to negotiate and you know this as well as I do." Henriksen reminded calmly.

He did not seem worried about the young man leaving. He knew he needed him to get out. That gave him a significant advantage over them.

"I took risks for you a year ago. I was nearly killed and I lost the man I loved. I think you owe me. You didn't keep your promise back then and I got no assurance that you will this time. It is out of question that I give you anything as long as I won't be sure I can trust you. I'm not committing the same mistake twice."

Castiel could hear the sadness in Dean's voice when he spoke of Benny. It was obvious he blamed Henriksen for the death of the man he loved. He was probably right to. The FBI agent should have protected him too.

"What happened to Benny is dramatic. But he was part of the organization alongside Alastair and I couldn't erase his police record just to please you. You know it and I know it. Now sit down so we can talk like two adults." Henriksen hit, raising substantially his voice.

Dean sighed deeply, but did as asked. Castiel could feel the tension radiating from him. He wished he could do or say something to make things easier.

"Benny wasn't a murderer. He was just a courier. He could have been saved. You didn't do it simply because you still needed me. I thought I had given everything to you but you constantly asked for more."

"I needed names, addresses... some flagrante delicto. I could not act and risk jeopardizing everything simply because you felt you were in danger. You chose to join this man. You ran that risk voluntarily."

Dean sniggered a second. Castiel opened his mouth to protest and to remind Henriksen that his friend was not psychologically stable enough to take such a decision in full knowledge but the latter pulled the rug out from under his feet.

"I made a mistake and I paid it full price. My scars were not enough evidence? I gave you names... many names but it was not enough."

"Because it was never the right ones. Alastair is someone extremely powerful and you know this as well as I do. I had to connect him to other criminals before charging him. As for what he subjected you to, I'm sorry but that's not enough. I couldn't prove he was responsible for your injuries."

Castiel shook his head, annoyed by what he was hearing. He did not see how Henriksen could not confound Alastair for what he had done to Dean. But he supposed that his choice was strategic. He did not want to coop this man up for violence inflicted on a young man whom no one cared about. He needed something bigger.

"Dean, I wanna help. But for this you need to do your bit. Alastair must pay for everything he did. I need you to swear to me that you have sufficient evidence this time."

Dean nodded several times before looking away to watch people coming and going around them.

"I have a copy of his records with the names of his clients and the usual meeting places. I got dates and documents involving several big names of the country."

"Why did you not give them to me back then?"

"Cause I got them the night of the death of Benny and because I did not trust you anymore. I kept them, hoping to use them if they got hold on me again. I'm willing to give them to you. But not before Sam and Bobby are safe."

Henriksen nodded in his turn. Castiel was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. They seemed to have finally agreed on the order in which things should be done. Dean was finally going to get what he'd asked.

"How long to get it back?"

Dean licked his lips.

"Probably a week. They're in a safe somewhere in Kansas. I need time to get there and back."

"Perfect then. I'll use this time to start the witness protection program for your brother and Bobby. If I don't hear from you regularly, our deal is gone. Got it?"

Dean acquiesced. Castiel then finished his coffee in two gulps. He could feel the end of the meeting was near. They were soon to break camp and take the road for Kansas.

"Got it. I'll contact you on the way. I'll keep you posted of everything. But in return I want you to tell me where things are at with my family. And I insist that Jimmy's brother is also protected."

Castiel crossed his fingers for Henriksen to not refuse again.

"I'll send a police car to watch over him. I don't know how long it'll last. You'd be well advised to be quick."

Dean held out his hand to Henriksen for him to shake it, sealing the agreement they had just signed. Castiel then rose from his chair and threw a bill on the table to pay his coffee. Dean mimicked him a second later.

"I'll send you the address of Jimmy's brother as soon as we are gone. I'm counting on you to keep your promise."

Henriksen gave his word and Castiel felt the weight on his shoulders disappear immediately. Gabriel would be safe soon. He did not have to worry about him anymore. It was more than he had thought he'd got.

"Speak soon." Said the agent when they began to move away.

The young man did not answer and continued walking toward their car, Castiel on his heels. They walked in silence for long minutes before the young man finally turns to face his friend.

"Well done Cas… You perfectly played your role." He stated, smiling.

Castiel had to admit he was rather proud of himself. He had resisted the pressure exerted by Henriksen and he had managed to test the waters for Dean. He had fulfilled his role perfectly. He would have never believed himself capable of this.

"Thank _you_ for obtaining protection for my brother." He replied.

Dean waved his hand in a way that seemed to mean he had no reason to thank him. They then went on their way side by side. Castiel was amazed by the turn things had taken. They had succeeded and soon Dean would be safe. It was a miracle.

"Where are these papers exactly?" He asked when he saw the car.

He was already doing the calculation of the number of kilometers to perform to retrieve the documents that Dean had hidden. He hoped it would not take them too long. He did not particularly want to get Henriksen angry. They had to act fast.

"We're not going to Kansas." Dean replied, getting the car keys out of his jean's pocket.

Castiel then stopped and stared at his friend.

"What do you mean?"

"I lied Cas… I don't have these papers."

"What?"

Castiel could not believe Dean had lied to him. He was furious not to have been informed of his friend's plan. Did he not realize the risk he had just made them run? The security of their families was at stake. Dean had no right to play this kind of game without even telling him.

"I never managed to get the documents but I know where to find them." Dean then explained, unlocking the car doors.

However, Castiel did not move, completely in shock.

"Why did you lie? Why did you not tell me?"

Dean ran a hand over his face, visibly upset. But Castiel felt he had the right to get answers.

"I was not planning to, but Henriksen refused to listen to me and I needed to convince him. These papers do exist and I know exactly who has them. I also know where to find him."

"And where is he exactly?"

"San Antonio, Texas."

Castiel sighed deeply before finally getting into the car. He was still angry, but he was beginning to understand why his friend had behaved this way. He had probably been right to do so. Without this little lie, they would not have obtained what they had come for. But he could not help thinking that the young man had not trusted him enough.

"And I assume this person will not voluntarily give them to you." He observed in a cold voice.

Dean had settled behind the wheel. He started the engine and drove to the road before answering.

"We'll have to convince him." He confirmed.

"And what does that mean?"

Castiel did not think to be able to torture someone to get those documents. Nor did he wanted to have to kill a human being. He really wanted to help Dean. But he could not become a murderer.

"It means I'll do the necessary to succeed... and you'll probably not like it. But you can still give up. I won't blame you. And I'll ask Henriksen to maintain the protection until I have the documents. You'll be safe. Everything's gonna be alright."

Castiel was very upset that Dean doubts of his determination. He was angry not to have been informed of his friend's lie. But he understood why. And even if he was actually worried about what he would have to do or what he was going to be forced to attend, he did not intend to leave yet. The young man should have known. He obviously did not trust him enough. Even after everything they had said to each other.

"No, I'm staying. And you should not even ask me such questions because you should know that I will not leave. Not now we're near our goal. I don't know if I'll be able to do anything to help you with this man but I will continue to support you. And I'm tired of constantly having to repeat myself on this point. You have to trust me Dean. Because I really don't know how to make you understand otherwise."

Dean then nodded, driving into the street leading to their motel.

"I'm sorry Cas... I know I shouldn't keep doubting... but no one has ever tried to help me without expecting something in return. Nobody apart from Benny and I don't... I don't usually find myself in these situations."

Castiel looked down at his hands and then slipped one into his back to remove the weapon he still had in the waistband of his pants. He threw it in the back seat of the car before looking through the window.

"I know you're not used to it... but I want you to try... I ask nothing more. I don't want to get anything from you. I just want you to be safe and finally get a chance to be happy with your family."

"I want to try... and I promise not to hide anything from you in the future."

The future probably came down to the short week they had left to spend together. But Castiel did not want to point this out to Dean. It was painful enough when he was the only one to think about it. He did not want to discuss it. Not while they were still in the middle of this mess. Maybe they could talk about it just before separating?

"Thanks Dean." Castiel simply murmured.

He then pressed his forehead against the window and closed his eyes. He had not realized how tired he was until they got into the car. He was not used to managing such stress and he could already feel the consequences in his muscles. He probably would be stiff. It was a chance Dean had chosen to drive. He doubted he could have done the same.

"I'll go get our things at the motel and then we can get going. Everything will be over soon Cas. I promise."

Castiel nodded but said nothing. The affirmation of his friend was not meant to hurt him. But it stressed that they would soon be separated and it was hard to accept this fact. He knew he could not follow Dean once the witness protection program would be initiated. He also knew that this was the only chance for the young man to be safe and stay alive. Yet it did not make things easier for him. For he would be the one that would be left behind. He who would be abandoned. And he already knew he would have trouble to bear it.

"You should get some sleep. I'll wake you when it's your turn to drive." Dean said after a few seconds.

Castiel felt the car slow down. They were probably arrived at the motel. However, he did not open his eyes. He needed to rest and he was not able to face his friend in his state. He refused to look him in the eye and to read the determination that had to be there. That to succeed this mission and to finally escape. That of going away from him forever. He focused instead on what would happen when they would arrive in Texas. Castiel had no idea how things would go with this man who held the information Dean needed. But he could guess they would not be easy to obtain. He knew that Dean would do anything to succeed. He had had a very good teacher in this field. It was frightening to see that there was a facet of Dean that Castiel did not know. A facet he would most likely face in a few days. He got this idea of his head. Around him, he heard cars and the doors of the vehicles that opened and closed at regular intervals. He would have liked to fall asleep to forget for a few hours all that awaited them in the coming days. He needed to regain strength and to escape reality. He was tired and disturbed by what he had learned. He did not forget either what Henriksen had implied. He doubted the FBI agent had lied just to destabilize him. No. What he had said was entirely true. Dean had not told him everything about his past. He was still hiding information from him. They had to be really horrible for him to refuse to disclose them. Castiel was not entitled to demand anything. He had made the choice to stay while knowing he was taking a huge risk. He had to accept it. Even if it did not please him. And even if the situation was terribly frustrating for him. He made an effort to put his brain on standby and finally manage to rest. He finally succeeded after an intense struggle. He did not know when he actually fell asleep. He heard Dean resettle behind the wheel after long minutes. Then the car engine started again. He was still conscious when they finally got back on the road. But somewhere along the way, sleep ended up getting the better of him. He fell asleep, taking with him his doubts and questions. And the nightmares that overwhelmed him immediately all starred Dean. He assumed it would be so for a long time.


	18. A place in its own right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> Here is the 18th chapter of this story and things get complicated for our heroes.
> 
> Thank you for your comments!
> 
> Good reading,
> 
> Sydney8201
> 
> Chapter's music:
> 
> Somewhere only we know by Keane
> 
> Warnings: swearing, language, mention of casual sex, mention of jail and arrest, implied self-deprecation, implied mention of death, implied mention of torture, mention of violence

_"A treasure's value lies in its secrecy"_

Suzanne Martel

 

Dean had insisted on driving until the sun sets. Castiel had woken up along the way. They had not talked. Only the radio was breaking the silence between them. It was uncomfortable. Castiel did not like the tense atmosphere that reigned between them. It was the result of the words exchanged before he falls asleep. And he did not know how to make sure that everything works out. It was silly to remain at loggerheads when they had not argued strictly speaking. But Castiel was still offended by the attitude of his friend and the latter seemed to blame him for reproaching him with it.

They stopped around St. Louis. Seeing the ark they had visited together a few weeks earlier finally convinced Castiel to break the silence. They had shared good times together. Even if things were more complicated now, he really had no desire to forget the rest. They had only a week left to spend together. Time was running.

Castiel watched the ark until it disappears into the fog and then turned to his friend and eventually stroke up the conversation. To his surprise, Dean replied without hesitation. They evoked their last visit to the city. They exchanged their views on the architecture. They did not mention Henriksen, Texas or the man they were going to find in San Antonio. They did not mention their future separation either. There was nothing to say on this. It was inevitable.

They took a single room with two beds just after St. Louis. They took no risks and ate inside. They still remembered perfectly what had happened in this city last time they were there. It was perfectly possible that some people were still looking for Dean in the sector. Castiel did not sleep well at night. He woke up several times from nightmares from which he only kept the vaguest memories.

They hit the road again at dawn the next day. Castiel drove first before handing the wheel over to Dean somewhere in mid-day. They took quiet roads not to take risks and eventually joined Wichita, Kansas before nightfall. Castiel was surprised that Dean had chosen to cross this state when it would have been certainly more direct to go through Oklahoma and to stop in Tulsa. But he chose not to discuss the choices of the young man. He knew he was the only one with some experience in the matter. He was probably trying to protect them by avoiding too direct paths. No matter what he had in mind. Castiel trusted him.

They again took a single room with two beds for the night. They again ate inside before going to bed. Castiel had new nightmares. He woke up running with sweat. If Dean noticed, he did not point it out. It was probably better this way.

They had not really retrieved the same complicity than before the meeting with Henriksen. They talked but did not say anything important. Dean seemed preoccupied and Castiel counted the minutes, realizing how close he was to lose everything.

When the young man took the wheel the next day he did not immediately take the way to Texas. He returned to the North without giving explanations and almost immediately Castiel felt panic overwhelm him. He dared not say anything now. He did not want to upset his companion. But he did not like at all the turn of events.

They drove for more than an hour in a heavy silence. When Castiel saw the first signs estimating distances between cities, he realized where Dean was going. Lawrence, Texas. The place where he was born. The one where he had grown up. Castiel relaxed immediately and looked around, curious to know why his friend had chosen to make a detour to his hometown.

He then turned to him to look at him. He seemed determined. Obviously, he had a plan in mind. Castiel did not dare ask him. Since they had left Detroit, things were complicated between them. They should have celebrated their victory over Henriksen. But something seemed broken in their relationship. Castiel was not sure what. He wanted things to get better. They had no time to waste by arguing. He did not like at all what was going on. They still talked together. Dean did not try to ignore him. But there was now a sort of distance between them. Castiel wanted to cross it to find his friend again.

"Where are we going?" He finally asked, taking his eyes off Dean.

The young man turned on a straight road before accelerating substantially on a road that disappeared into the woods.

"I wanna show you something." Answered Dean.

Castiel acquiesced. If they had been in a horror movie, it would undoubtedly have been the moment where the viewer would have shouted at him to jump from the moving car and go in the opposite direction as quickly as possible. But Castiel knew that Dean would not hurt him. And he was eager to see what the young man had in store for him as a surprise. They probably should not have wasted time when they had something to do. Castiel knew it was unreasonable.

"I've lived in Lawrence until I was four. My mother died here on the day Sammy turned six months old. My father took us away from this town as soon as he could. But I still have some good memories of this city. When I was sixteen, Bobby gave me a car. I took my brother with me and we came here as a return journey. We discovered a place... we camped there for several days."

Castiel was surprised by the confession of Dean. He had not expected the young man to want to tell him part of his childhood even though tensions remained palpable between them. But he greeted his words with joy. It was exactly what they needed to make things work out. Perhaps Dean had understood it in his turn. Maybe he wanted to also fill the distance that existed between them for two days. He was holding a hand out to Castiel and he fully intended to seize it.

"This place, I've never forgotten it. We never managed to go back. Shortly after our return, I began spending all my time with Gordon and... much less time at home with Sammy. We talked about it at times. I promised we'd go back after Sam graduated. I guess we won't. But, although I've never had the opportunity to bring my brother back here, I consider this to be our place. A bit like a secret that we'd have shared and that will always bind us."

Castiel nodded as Dean drove a bit deeper between the trees. The car had some difficulty going on the road covered with pebbles. The young man then slowed down to avoid puncturing a tire and make them falling even more behind on their schedule.

"Why bringing me here if it's a secret between you and your brother?" He asked, curious about Dean's gift to him.

The young man slowed down again a little and then took a new path on his right.

"When I first met you Cas, I was determined not to tell you anything about me. But you managed to make me talk... you managed to push me to confide little by little. And I was surprised to find that I liked to tell you all these things. That I felt better after I did. My past is not only made of difficult times. There were moments of happiness. This place is... it's without doubt the one where I was the happiest. I think you deserve to know this other side of me. I want to tell you about the Dean before Gordon... before Alastair and Henriksen. The Dean I wish I still was."

Castiel had a lump in his throat, seeing the token of trust of the young man. He hoped to prove worthy of the gesture his friend was making in his direction. He guessed it was something he had never done before. He knew he was privileged.

"I would have liked to know you at that time. I'm sure we could have become friends." Castiel claimed, watching the landscape around him.

Dean finally parked the car beside the way. There was no road in front of them. Just trees and a hiking trail that did not appear to have been maintained for a long time. Castiel got out of the car and took a bottle of water in the passenger seat. He did not know how long it would take them.

"I don't think you would have liked me very much at the time. Maybe when I was a kid but I was a rather unbearable teenager. Bobby could tell you a lot about me. I constantly contradicted him and refused to listen to him. I was easily swayed and Gordon... he changed me radically."

"Did you love him?" Castiel asked as he set off behind the young man.

The latter seemed to ponder for long seconds before shrugging. He had buried his hands in his pockets and was walking at a good pace. Castiel was following him at a good distance.

"I don't think I loved him, but he fascinated me. He was two years older than me and he was... cool... he wasn't afraid of anything and he didn't listen to anyone. I wanted to look like him. So, when I realized he was interested in me... when I finally realized he was making a pass at me, I jumped at the chance. We never really were a couple. We only slept together. The first time I was terrified... but Gordon was tender and delicate and... maybe for a second... a very short second... I thought he loved me. But I soon realized that this wasn't the case. When he was arrested, he didn't do me any favors. He laid responsibility on me and I was the only one to be condemned. His family was very respected in the area. Bobby on the other hand... he doesn't really have a very good reputation."

Castiel felt a huge anger toward this Gordon Walker who had sealed Dean's future by letting him down like that. He was the origin of everything the young man had had to face afterwards. He wished to be able to face him and give him the old one two.

"Where is he now?"

Dean then turned to him.

"He's dead... he was killed almost a year ago... shortly before I escaped... he was found in a warehouse with his head cut off. I guess he annoyed the wrong person this time. He often did that."

Castiel should not have felt relieved to learn that. He had no right to be satisfied with the death of any one. But this man had broken Dean's life and he deserved what had happened to him.

"When I heard it... when I learned it, I was happy. I guess it says a lot about me but... I was happy to see that he had finally paid for what he had done to me." Dean revealed.

Castiel filled the distance separating them and grabbed his hand to hold it in his own. Dean seemed surprised by his gesture but did not try to shake it off. Castiel probably could have told him that he thought exactly the same thing himself and that he hoped that Gordon had been in agony before he died. But he did not want to dwell on the subject. They were in a place that mattered to the young man and it was not the place to talk about unpleasant things. He did not want to tarnish his friend's memories by evoking difficult moments of his life where he had lived the best ones.

"Tell me about what you've done here with your brother." He whispered to change the subject.

Dean nodded and then started off again without letting go of Castiel's hand. The latter did not point it out. He was pleased with the intimacy of this gesture. He liked to feel his friend at ease with him.

"We had set up our tent a little away, right by the water. We spent our days swimming and walking in the forest. In the evening, we would sit around the fire and grill marshmallows. It was awesome."

"I never went camping." Castiel confessed, ducking to avoid a low branch.

Dean then turned again and gave him a surprised look.

"Not even during your summer camps?"

Castiel shook his head. He had never really experienced the same things as children his age. He had not had the opportunity to go camping with his siblings or with his parents. His holidays were spent among children of Catholic families reading the Bible and discussing Jesus. He had never thought it was a problem. This was how he had been raised. But now that he was aware of Dean's happiness from this experience, he was beginning to regret having missed all these experiences. He swore to himself to convince Gabriel to go camping with him. This would not be easy. His brother hated nature and everything related to it. He was a convicted citizen.

"There's nothing better than sleeping under the stars when the weather permits it. Sam and I often did it when we were at Bobby's. We took our sleeping bags and we would lie down in the grass to look at the stars. It was a way of being alone and discussing quietly. And then there is nothing more soothing than the noise of nature at night... or than waking up with the sun."

Castiel could hear the nostalgia in his friend's voice. He smiled weakly as Dean got going again. They walked silently for long minutes before coming out from under the trees and standing before an immense lake that seemed to shine with a thousand lights in the sunlight. The place was magnificent. Castiel easily understood how the young man and Sam might have fallen in love with this place. There was something magical here. The lake. The trees. The incredibly green grass around them. It was a place where he could have lived without problems.

"It's beautiful." He murmured, mesmerized.

Dean was standing beside him, their hands still joined, their shoulders touching each other. Castiel took another few seconds to admire the place before turning to the young man. He was smiling, obviously pleased to be here with Castiel.

"That's what Sam said when he got here four years ago. He always loved this kind of place... walking around in nature and watching animals, insects and trees."

"I would have loved that too at his age. But I spent my time fully focused on books to be sure to pass my exams."

Dean tilted his head to the side before putting a hand on Castiel's cheek to stroke it gently with the tip of his thumb. It was a gesture of great tenderness. The young man had a shining look and Castiel could easily have fallen in love with him at that moment... if he had not already been of course.

"Sam was a bit like that too. He always has excellent grades and an ability to learn and retain a lot of surprising things. He loved reading and... he always did his homework with great care. I've often mocked him about it but... I'm so proud of him and his success... so proud to see the boy he became and the man he will be one day."

Castiel was beginning to think that he would probably have gotten along very well with Sam. They might even have become friends. They were obviously very similar on several points. He would have liked to know him. To meet him and hear him talk about the boy Dean was when they were young.

"I've never had a taste for school... for studies. I couldn't stand the authority of the teachers and... I never did my homework. I was a bad student. My record would have made anyone turn pale. When I was arrested, it was a relief for all my teachers. And I'm sure none of them was surprised to know I was in jail."

There was something that looked like self-flagellation in Dean's behavior. Castiel did not like to hear him denigrate himself in this way. He admired the young man and the sacrifices he had made for his brother and Bobby. He found him incredibly courageous and strong. He had survived trials that would have shattered more than one. Castiel would have liked him to see himself in the same way.

"Why were you arrested?" He asked then.

It was one of the things Dean had not told him so far. It probably did not matter, but he loved to learn more about the young man. He still remembered perfectly what Henriksen had said a few days earlier about the secrets his friend was still keeping. He did not want to blame him on this point. He had never asked him to be perfectly honest with him. The essential point was that he had enough information to know where he was going.

"Gordon knew a guy to whom he entrusted cars to sell on the black market. He then returned a percentage of the sum. Gordon wanted to leave Sioux Falls and he needed money for that... he often told me he wanted to take me with him and that we could party for weeks with all that money. I was stupid enough to believe him. So, when his buddy told him about his request for a Corvette, Gordon thought of that of the neighbors... the one he had admired since he was a kid. We went in the middle of the night and we forced the lock. But we both ignored that the car was had a GPS chip and we had barely made a few kilometers that the police stopped us. Gordon told the judge that this was my idea and that I had forced him to do so. He even said I had threatened him. I then understood that everyone had seen right through him... everyone except me and... he had a very good lawyer. I had to defend myself. I took four months and he was able to go home without problems."

Gordon had used the affection and admiration that Dean had for him and had used him to get by. And the young man had paid this through the nose. For this stay in prison had had catastrophic consequences on his life. He had made a mistake. But he had done nothing serious. He had not deserved to go to prison. The lies of Gordon had probably been for many in the rigor of the judge.

"I wish I had found a place like this during my childhood... a place where I could go and gather myself when I need it." Castiel admitted, turning his attention to the lake in front of them.

Dean then dragged him to the rocks where he had him sit down. He then took his place beside him without letting go of his hand. They were glued to each other, their eyes riveted on the incredible spectacle that nature offered them.

"I can lend you this one if you want." Offered the young man after a few seconds of silence.

Castiel turned his face towards him, surprised by what he had just heard. Dean still had his eyes on the lake in front of them. The sun was reflecting on the surface and seemed to also illuminate his green eyes.

"Dean, this place is yours… and Sam's. I can't." He claimed.

He could guess the importance that this place had for his friend. He had lived the happiest moments of his life here. It was not something to be taken lightly when one knew the young man's past. He would never feel worthy to share it with him and his brother. He did not want the place to lose its meaning for Dean.

"Cas, let's face it. We both know this is the last time I come here." Responded the young man, turning his face towards his friend.

There was not really sadness in his eyes but a certain nostalgia and obvious fatalism. Castiel felt his heart break, realizing that the young man had no illusions on this point. He was probably right. But it did not make things any easier.

"What do you mean?" Castiel eventually asked because he needed the young man to put words on what he was feeling.

And maybe Castiel needed to hear him to fully realize what was happening. The way things would end no matter what. He had the feeling of being realistic enough and be well-grounded. He remembered perfectly that their time was limited. But in front of this lake, alone with Dean, their hands clasped together, he wanted to forget. He wanted to believe they would not be separated.

"No matter how things end for me... I'll never come here again. If our plan works and the story ends well, I'll change my identity and I know Henriksen will not settle us here. And if things end badly then... I'll be dead and it's obvious that I won't return."

Castiel looked away, unable to keep up with Dean's eyes as he said those words. They were true. Full of common sense and reflection. But they were painful to hear. Castiel had great difficulty considering their separation. And he categorically refused to think that his friend could die. But he was probably going to have to admit it. Because they were taking risks every minute of the day. Dean had been living with this sword of Damocles over his head since his sixteenth birthday. He was undoubtedly prepared for the consequences of their actions. Castiel had no idea how he would react if things got complicated. Or what they were to feel at that precise moment.

"I can't Dean… not now that I know what it means for you." Objected Castiel.

Dean leaned toward him and laid a quick kiss on his cheek that made Castiel shiver.

"I don't like the idea of this place remaining abandoned... it bears my mark and that of my brother and... I want to take with me the certainty that it will continue to live through a person who matters to me." explained the young man.

Castiel could not refuse what his friend was asking. Not when he was expressing it this way.

"It would be an honor." He then assured.

He felt Dean press his hand a little more firmly in his own. Castiel wondered why he had not let go of it. What had happened between them was purely sexual. There was not really any tenderness in their intercourses. Dean had always seemed refractory to demonstrations of affection. But he was still holding Castiel's hand and stroking it with the top of his thumb. It was more of a boyfriend's gesture than a friend's. And it was troubling for Castiel.

"Cas, I never thanked you for everything you've done for me... and... everything you still do." Dean whispered after long seconds of silence.

Castiel did not know what to say to his friend. He had indeed never taken the time to say what Castiel did meant for him. But it was evident in his behavior. It was easy to guess that his presence was important. Dean would have never taken him to this place if it was not.

"I want you to know how important it is to me... your presence is... it is important to me. Really important. And sometimes... I wonder what I ever did to deserve it. You're so bright Cas... and I'm... everything around me is dark."

Castiel did not like what he was hearing in his friend's mouth. It was a further proof of his lack of self-esteem. Of the guilt he kept compared to what he had been able to face in the past.

"If you want my opinion, it is time someone helps you a little... You spent a year fleeing alone and hiding. I don't care what I got me in your way. I am glad that this is the case."

Dean nodded, smiling weakly.

"I know you're upset not to have been aware of the lie I told Henriksen earlier but you gotta believe me... I had no idea what I was going to do before we were facing him and I couldn't tell you anything in front of him."

Castiel believed him. He knew the young man had not deliberately lied to him. But this did not erase what Henriksen had evoked and constantly gnawed at Castiel. He knew he did not have the right to ask Dean to tell everything about himself and his past, but he did not like to remain in ignorance. He was constantly taking risks for the young man. He felt that he deserved the latter be totally honest with him. Yet he did not dare ask the question. He was too afraid of the young man's reaction. Fortunately for him, Dean pulled the rug out from under him by approaching the subject himself.

"As for what he said... about what I still hide from you... I can swear that it's only details. And... I wish I could tell you everything, but for the moment I can't give you all the details of the tortures that Alastair inflicted on me. I ask you to understand and to trust me on this point too."

Castiel nodded slowly. He felt the young man sincere and did not see what to add to what he had just told him. He had to accept that he would probably never know the extent of the horrors that Alastair had inflicted on his friend. He was not really a part of his life. He would never have this opportunity. He was only passing through. And soon he would be nothing but a memory. It did not give him any rights. Nothing more than the privilege of temporarily appreciating the presence of Dean.

"Everything's good between us, right Cas?" Dean then asked, obviously concerned.

Castiel drew his hand to his face and kissed it on the fingers. He was aware that this gesture was also too tender in view of the nature of their relationship. But he refused to restrain himself. He wanted to live these moments thoroughly and not worry about the rest for the moment. He would have plenty of time to ask questions or regret these gestures when Dean would be gone. For now, they were together. They were in front of a beautiful landscape and they were safe where no one would think to look for them. This may be the last time they could go with the flow. Castiel was aware that time was playing against them.

"We're good." He confirmed, smiling in turn.

He then took a few seconds to think about what was awaiting them and he felt the anguish make knots in his stomach again.

"But honestly, I'm not sure I'm ready to... this man we must find, I don't think I'm able to hurt him to get the necessary information. I'm not a violent person."

"Edgar," Dean started, frowning.

"Edgar was different." Castiel cut him off. "He was threatening us both and it was self-defense. This man on the other hand... he didn't do anything to me. I don't think I would be of much help to you there."

Dean did not seem disappointed to hear him. Castiel was even surprised to notice that he seemed relieved to learn it. It was almost as if he had feared seeing his friend become like him. To be in turn capable of the worst to get what he wanted.

"I'm not asking you to, Cas." Explained the young man. "I don't want to... tarnish you with all that. You can stay outside and just keep an eye on people who'll come close."

Castiel nodded, relieved that they could make this point clear without arguing. Dean then turned his face towards the lake and let out a long sigh. The atmosphere was tense between them. Not because they were resentful of each other. Simply because of what was awaiting them and what they could not ignore any longer. Getting the information of this man would lead Dean to leave.

"I don't think I told you that this is where I taught Sam how to swim." Murmured the young man.

Castiel was grateful to him for changing the subject of conversation. It was time for them to somewhat evacuate the tension that had accumulated since they had begun to discuss seriously. They would have plenty of time to talk about important issues. They still had many kilometers to go before reaching their destination. They could always devote them to finalize their plan. But here, it seemed logical to speak of Sam. He was part of this place in the same way than Dean... and Castiel now.

"You didn't." Confirmed the latter, staring at the lake insistently.

He could easily imagine the two young boys bathing in the translucent water and sharing good times together. He did not know Sam, but he guessed that he had had much admiration and love for his older brother. He had probably tried to resemble him. Until the day Dean had started making mistakes and Sam had to forget the image of the perfect boy who was his role model. Castiel knew how difficult it was to abandon the adoration one could have of their older brother. He had gone through this ordeal when he had realized that neither Michael nor Luke were examples to follow. He knew it probably had not been easy for Sam, but it was part of life. He was persuaded that the boy still loved his brother. He certainly would be glad to find him again when everything would be over.

"All of his classmates mocked him because he couldn't swim at nearly twelve. He asked me to teach him. And he didn't need much lessons. As with everything else, he succeeded very quickly. I was so proud of him... so proud to see him swim in this lake, smiling because he was feeling like everyone else. That's what he always wanted. Become a child like all those who attended his school. He hoped to be normal one day. I suppose my exploits prevented him to do that, then. Maybe that's why he was so mad at me."

Castiel chose not to say anything to comfort his friend. He could feel that the young man needed to get things off his chest, but not being told platitudes that would probably not change anything he was feeling now. Things would change quickly. When they would be together again, they could start all over again and make their bond strong again. They had an incredible opportunity of getting everything straight again. Castiel considered that it was his responsibility to bring them together. It was a goal that he expected to achieve.

"It was a good time." Dean then whispered, turning his face to Castiel.

There was something new on the young man's face. Something that Castiel could not identify. He kept his eyes riveted on him and felt his heart beat a little faster. They were extremely close to one another. It was an intimate and strong moment. A unique moment. Castiel was aware of this and he knew that his friend felt the same.

"A bit like the one we're sharing." Dean added, significantly leaning forward.

Castiel frowned. He did not really understand what might have changed in a few minutes but he could not help feeling good, so close to his friend. The warmth of his body was enveloping him and his scent was invading his nostrils. He wanted to ask him to come a little closer. To stick to him and never let him go. But he did not have the right. It was definitely not a good idea.

"I really want to kiss you." Dean confessed, leaning a bit more toward Castiel.

The latter swallowed hard. It was now or never to tell the young man not to go any further. To become aware of everything that would separate them soon and that prevented them from being more than friends. To ask him to have pity on him and to think that he would soon be alone. He had to save his heart before it is inevitably broken. But he already knew that he would be incapable of doing so. Because he also wanted to kiss Dean. More than anything else in the world.

"Dean…" He then whispered.

It could just as well be an invitation, a rejection, or a warning. Castiel was not even sure what he meant by that. He was confused by Dean's proximity and the feelings he had for him for a while. He was leaving the decision in the hands of the young man. He trusted him to do what they both needed. Even though Castiel had no idea what he needed. They remained without moving for long seconds before Dean eventually fills the distance between them to stick his lips against those of Castiel. The latter was unable to answer for a moment. But when the young man's tongue came to look for his own, he got out of his torpor and kissed him back. Almost straight away, Dean grabbed him by the neck to prevent him from getting away. But Castiel did not intend to leave. He was absolutely incapable of putting an end to this kiss. The lips of the young man were soft and warm. His tongue was dancing with his own and everything was perfect. Castiel put his hands in the back of his friend and pressed his fingers against the muscles he felt under his pullover and his shirt. The young man had the taste of tobacco and coffee. Their lips were now caressing each other at a steady pace. This kiss had awakened the whole body of Castiel. He could feel small tremors in his arms and his back. Dean's fingers sank into his hair and he moaned against his lips. They were no longer aware of what was around them. There was nothing else but them anymore. Danger and risks were forgotten. And that was probably their first mistake. For when someone cleared his throat not far from them, they jumped and parted precipitately. Castiel was ready to fight this person for interrupting this all too rare moment. But when his eyes fell on the man who was motionless at a good distance from them, he felt a shiver run through his spine. He had already seen that face. He remembered it perfectly. It was on the news one day when he was stuck in front of the television. This man was part of Alastair's organization. And he was there for Dean.

"Oh, don't stop for me. The show was really sexy." Commentated the man, smiling.

He was wearing a black suit that might have looked elegant in a reception but seemed strange in this place. His dark eyes were fixed on them. He had an English accent that seemed forced. Castiel was surprised to see Dean getting up abruptly to stand in front of him. Obviously, he hoped to be able to protect him. Castiel actually doubted that this would suffice.

"Dean, Dean, Dean, I must confess that I spent a lot of time looking for you since St Louis."

Castiel felt his breathing accelerate significantly when he realized that this man was the one who had wounded his friend after their first separation. He was dangerous. He was not joking. Castiel stood up in turn and put a hand on the back of the young man to show him that he was there with him and that he did not intend to run away. Even if he was dead scared.

"Alastair will probably not be very happy to know that you found a new boyfriend... but I suppose he will greatly appreciate to be able to punish you about it." The man explained, adjusting his black jacket.

Castiel wanted to shout to him that they were not a couple and that he would never let anyone harm his friend. But he preferred to let Dean handle the situation and use the time he had to search for a loophole. He then looked around, hoping to see something that could serve as a weapon. They should never have left the revolver in the car. They had been reckless and they were paying for it.

"You hope to bring me back to him? Crowley... you're alone against us. You have no chance. Edgar made the same mistake and he paid it at the high price." Dean stated loudly.

Fergus McLeod… Crowley. Castiel remembered his name now. He swallowed hard as his eyes were still desperately searching for something that could serve them. But there was nothing. They had no chance.

"I must confess that I enjoyed the fate you gave him. In my opinion, Alastair is wrong to trust Edgar and Dick... they will eventually try to take his place. But this is neither the place nor the moment to talk about this."

Dean chuckled for a second. Castiel knew he was trying to look confident when he was not at all. He absolutely had to help him. He spotted a bough just behind Crowley. He could try to run in that direction and catch it before Crowley responded. With a bit of luck, he could kill that man and run away with Dean. It was risky but it was the only thing to do. Castiel had to take advantage of the fact that Crowley was still talking with his friend to get started. He took a deep breath but stopped when he heard what their opponent was saying next.

"As for being alone against the two of you my dear, you should not underestimate me. I made the mistake of thinking you weak once... I won't do it twice. Say hi to Meg, Dean."

Castiel tried to turn around to see who Crowley was talking about. He vaguely heard footsteps on his back. He then realized that they could not do anything and were trapped. He blamed himself for following Dean here and for relaxing his attention. They had made a major mistake. He was aware of it now. But it was too late. And as he tried to turn around to see this Meg and to judge of the threat she represented, Castiel felt something strike the back of his skull. The pain that radiated throughout his face was so strong that he screamed as he fell forward. He had lost consciousness before touching the ground. The last thing he heard was his name screamed by Dean and then a sound of gunshot that seemed to resound in the distance. They had lost. They were going to die.


End file.
